


And Baby Makes Three

by PensToTheEnd



Series: All Of Me Loves All Of You [5]
Category: Hockey - Fandom, Hockey RPF
Genre: Ableist Language?, All Will Be Okay In The End, Alternate Universe, Aphasia, Artificial Insemination, Brain death, Domestic Fluff, Emergency Cesarean (C-section), F/M, Gen, Head Injury, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Homosexuality, Kids, M/M, Major Character Injury, Major Depression, Never sure how to tag, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Surrogacy, They Have Sex - Male/Male Sex and all that implies, adventures in babysitting, blood clot / stroke, mention of organ donation, original character death, pregnancy difficulties, premature birth (36-37 weeks)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2018-10-18 05:17:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 40
Words: 87,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10610046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PensToTheEnd/pseuds/PensToTheEnd
Summary: Continuation of the story of Sidney Crosby and Jamie (Marsh) Crosby.  Now married, and with Jamie making strides in the treatment of his PTSD and depression, Jamie wants to take the next step in their relationship and talk about having children.  Sid hesitates at first, but Jamie gets him on board.  This part of their story tells of their struggles to decide on surrogacy, the search for a surrogate, and the eventual birth of daughter Kylie.  But Kylie's birth brings tragedy on top of another serious injury for Jamie, and worry from Sid that this time, Jamie might not make it back on the ice.Helps if you've read other parts - but I feel that this could be read as stand alone.





	1. Baby Talk

December 2017

The Pittsburgh Penguins annual family Christmas party was in full swing at PPG Arena.Kids everywhere.Some skating, some playing games off the ice, some running around, some eating.They were just… everywhere.Or so it seemed to Jamie Crosby.And he loved it.

Jamie skated across the ice and hopped over the boards into the home bench area to sit down next to his husband of four months.

“Wow.I wasn’t sure I was going to get away.” He leaned over and gave Sid a quick peck on the cheek. “They are relentless.”

“You were loving it.”Sid laughed at Jamie’s comment.It had been obvious that he’d been just as engrossed in the on-ice game of tag as all of the kids had been.

“Okay.Yeah, I was.” He admits, taking the water bottle out of Sid’s hands to take a long swig.“Thanks.”

Once Jamie had caught his breath, he went back over the boards and joined in the game again.Sid sat watching him intently, deep in thought.Jamie loved kids and he was very good with them.Sid loved kids.They had talked about wanting to have a family someday.Some.Day.

They’d been together not quite two years, and only married since last August.Sid was sure that Jamie would want to wait to have kids.He’d want to have some time for them just to be them, as Jamie put it, them being a couple without any of the responsibilities that came with having kids.Without being tied down, was what Sid thought.

The problem was Sid wasn’t sure he wanted to wait very long.He was 30.Not that 30 was old, but well, to him maybe it was.His friends had already started their families.Started them while in their late twenties or early thirties, a good age he thought. Young enough to have the energy to take care of a newborn or a little toddler running around.Young enough that you’d still have energy and be active when they were a teen.

The problem was that Jamie was only 20, really still a kid himself.Jamie, Sid was sure, wasn’t ready to settle down and start a family.Jamie liked going to their island or to the cabin in Alberta.He’d told Sid that he’d like to be able to just take off and do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted.They were planning on flying Sid’s parents and Taylor down to the Island for Christmas.Fly down.Spend two days.Fly home.To Sid, that wasn’t something you could do with a kid, at least not for the first few years.

There was also the issue of Jamie’s mental health.Things had gotten better since Jamie had spent a month at Parkerson Behavioral.The PTSD wasn’t as bad, the nightmares starting to be less often.Jamie’s anxiety was better, too.There were more good days than bad.Sid felt that a lot of that had to do with Jamie finally opening up and letting Sid help him.It had started while they were on the island for part of their honeymoon, then while Jamie was doing his in-patient treatment, he had called Sid almost every night and they’d talked.That had carried through to when he came home.They still talked every night, lying in bed before they fell asleep.Jamie talked to Sid every day about how he was feeling, about how well he was or wasn’t fighting the depression and keeping his demons at bay.

Would the stress of a baby cause a setback for Jamie?Would it trigger memories or feelings causing Jamie to have the nightmares again?Sid worried about all of that.As much as he wanted to start a family now, he wasn’t sure that it would be the best thing for Jamie.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

February 2018

The Pens are in Montreal in the middle of a four-game road trip, flying in this morning from Minnesota.The team is on their own for dinner, given a day off by the coaches.Several of the boys, including Sid and Jamie, are invited to dinner at an old friend’s house.

At some point after dinner, when they are all sitting around the table sharing memories of past seasons, Sid notices that Jamie hadn’t come back after excusing himself to go use the bathroom.He keeps glancing around, a little concerned.

“He’s in with the kids.” Carole-Lyne says when she notices Sid.

“What?”

“I checked on them a few minutes ago, when I went to get coffee.He’s in on the couch watching TV with the kids.Zoe and Lola were curled up on his lap and he was reading them a book I think.”

“So when do we get a little Crosby?”Pascal inquired.

“We’ve been asking the same thing.”Kris poked at Sid’s side.

“I don’t know.We haven’t really talked about it.I’d like to, but, I don’t know.I don’t want to rush him.He’s only 20, shouldn’t he have some time to grow up before he has a kid?”

“Why do you always do this?”Pascal shakes his head.“I don’t get why you worry about him being so young.”

“I don’t want him to regret things down the road.Not getting to have fun and not be tied down.”

“Have you asked him what he wants?” Pascal raises his eyebrow.“Knowing you two, I’m guessing you haven’t talked about it.”

“We talk.”

“About everything but having a kid,” Kris chimes in.“He tells me.”

“So, he’s talked to you about it?”Sid asks.

“Yeah.I think if you just ask him, you’ll be surprised at his answer.”Kris smirks.

“I see somethings don’t change.”Pascal chirps.“We still all know more about Sid’s relationship than Sid does.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

May 2018

“This sucks.”

Jamie tossed his equipment bag in the back of the Rover next to Sid’s.

“Yep.You got spoiled.Not used to this.”Sid closed the tailgate and walked around to get in the driver’s side.

Jamie wasn’t used to this.He’d never not won a championship.Well, at least not any he’d played in since he was twelve.The only time his team had not won a championship when reaching the playoffs was the year his parents died and Jamie didn’t play a single game for the Oil Kings in the first round of the WHL playoffs.Every other year, Jamie had played, and his team had won it all in whatever league he was in that year.

Jamie climbed into the passenger seat and buckled his seatbelt.He stared out the window as Sid pulled out of the parking garage and drove them through traffic to head home to Sewickley.It was going to be a long summer.

“We can spend a few weeks up at the cabin.” Sid offered a few minutes into their drive.“Is it nice enough up there in April, or May, to want to go?”

“It could still be cold.Maybe even some snow.”Jamie responded, sounding less than enthusiastic.

“Well, I can check and see if the island’s rented.We can fly down there early.”They’d planned to go down in August again, for their anniversary.

“Whatever.”Jamie sighed, still staring out the window.“I don’t care.Maybe.”

“Is something wrong?”

“Nothing.Just, this sucks.”

Jamie was taking the Pens second round elimination hard, Sid thought.Harder than even he was taking it.Jamie had a couple of good series, too, on top of another great season.He’d finished third in the points race, behind Sid and Connor McDavid this year.He’d led the Pens in assists again.In the playoffs, he’d had points in every game.It wasn’t like he hadn’t played hard, but they’d lost.And Jamie was right, it sucked.

Jamie sulks for a couple of days, not wanting to do anything except eat and sleep.Sid lets him.He’ll snap out of the funk soon, he thinks.Besides, they don’t have any commitments scheduled until July, so Jamie can mope for a while if he wants.

A week later, Sid finds Jamie in the living room, several scrap books piled up on the coffee table.Jamie is flipping through one, intently looking at the pictures.Sid settles down on the couch next to him so that he can see the books’ content as well.Jamie is looking at pictures that Sid has from various team functions, pictures of teammates and their families.

“Wow, I’d forgotten about some of these.” Sid leans against Jamie as he looks at the photos.“These are from my rookie year.”

“I’m noticing something,” Jamie says.“In all these pictures, you’re surrounded by kids.”

Sid shrugs his shoulder against Jamie’s, “Yeah, so?”

Jamie closes the photo album and rests his hands on top of it.He turns and looks squarely at Sid.

“When are we going to have a kid?”

“I don’t know.I thought we’d wait a few years.”

“You thought?I see.”Jamie moves the scrapbook to the coffee table and stands up.He looks down, towering over Sid.“That’s what you’ve said before.That you want to wait.Is that really what you want.”

“Isn’t it what you want?”Sid thinks about standing up.He knows this look.Jamie is pretty intimidating this way, it’s his I’m getting what I want look, usually reserved for when he wants to do something that goes against Sid’s routines.

“I want to discuss it.We never talk about it.You always find some way to dodge the subject.So.Here we are.All summer ahead of us.And nothing to distract you.So we are going to talk about it.”

“Okay.Then he’s my thought.We wait a few years.”Sid stands up finally.Damn, he wishes he was just a little taller.Jamie’s intimidating even now because of his height.He walks away.

“So, you won’t even talk about it?” Jamie calls after him.


	2. The Russian Secret Weapon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tanger:  Okay.  We need to try plan B.  
> Jamie: ?????  
> Geno:  Yes.  Time pull out secret Russian weapon.  ))  
> Jamie:  Still confused.  What weapon?  
> Tanger:  Nikita  
> Geno:  Da!  Nikita.

Jamie decides it’s text a friend time, and he knows just the friends he needs.

Jamie:  _He won’t even talk about it._

Tanger:  _You tried the scrapbooks?_

Jamie:  _Yep.  Seemed interested.  Thought he was getting it.  But he won’t even talk about it._

Geno:  _He stubborn.  I hear him say often he want kid.  Why he not talk about it with you?_

Tanger:  _Okay.  We need to try plan B._

Jamie: _?????_

Geno:  _Yes.  Time pull out secret Russian weapon.  ))_

Jamie:  _Still confused.  What weapon?_

Tanger:  _Nikita_

Geno:  _Da!  Nikita._

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two days later the doorbell rings while Sid and Jamie are having breakfast.  Jamie jumps up excitedly.

“They’re here!”

“You’re sure about this?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely!”  Jamie leads Sid to the front door.  “It’s gonna be so much fun.”

“Right.”

They open the door for a waiting Geno, Anna, and Nikita.  The nearly two-year-old squirms to get down out of his papa’s arms.  Geno sets him down and watches as he runs straight for his uncle Jamie’s arms.  Jamie swopes him up into a big hug then swings him through the air making plane zooming noises as he turns to take him to the living room.

“Hey guys,” Sid welcomes them.  “He’s very excited.”

“Yes, so is Nikki.” Geno laughs.

“Are you sure about this?  I mean, letting him stay with us?”

Anna stops to give Sid a hug and kiss on the cheek as she walks in to the foyer.  “Of course.  Nikki loves his uncles.  Thank you for taking him for couple days.”

“I would think your parents would babysit, G.”  Sid said, getting a big Russian bear hug from Geno.

“They come with us.  First time we get vacation alone with them since Nikki.  They want to take Anna and I someplace special.  No kid.  So we say okay if find babysitters.”

“Glad we could help.”

“You not go on vacation yet.  That what Marshmallow say.  He say you think of go island?”

“We’re going to spend a few weeks here before we go up to Canada, to Edmonton.  Let the weather get a little warmer up there.  Think we’ll hit the island in August.  You guys should come down with us.”

“We think about it.  For now, this is good.  You take Nikki for week for us.  Will be good time.”

They visit for a while, Anna and Geno filling them in on all of Nikita’s routines. Anna gives them a list of some basic Russian words Nikki might use so they can try and figure it out.  Jamie says he found a translation app that is pretty good.  If he can get Nikki to say the word into his phone, it will translate.  Anna just chuckles and tell him good luck with that.

Finally, they walk out to the car and carry in all of Nikki’s supplies for the week.  Geno carries in a potty chair and sits it down.

“Nikki learning,” he says, “but may not tell you when need go.  Or may say in Russian, you not understand.”

“We’ll figure it out, G.”  Sid says, giving Jamie the ‘you’re cleaning this’ look.

They have his favorite blanket, books, toys, and stuffed animal.  Sid is a bit miffed that it is a stuffed eagle in a Capital’s jersey, an Ovechkin jersey to be exact, and not the stuffed Iceburgh he’d gotten Nikki.  They decide it might be better if Anna and Geno just slip out and not make a big deal about leaving.  It works.  Until Nikki realizes they aren’t there anymore.

The little guy has been crying for an hour.  They’ve tried everything.  The blanket.  The eagle.  Books.  Food.  Juice.  He stops for a few minutes, but then will say something in Russian and start screaming again.  He has to be exhausted, because Sid is.  Jamie seems to be taking it all in stride.

“He’ll settle down.  It’ll be okay.”

“We need to call them and tell them this isn’t going to work.”  Sid bounces Nikki on his hip, trying to keep smiling at him through his frustration.

“No.  We don’t.  Here, let me have him.”

Sid hands Nikki to Jamie.  Nikki buries his head against Jamie’s neck, wrapping his arms tightly around his neck.  He sniffles and wipes his nose on Jamie’s shirt.  Sid makes an ‘ew’ face.  Jamie just shrugs.

“I know, I know, any port in a storm.  We could call Tanger?  Or Flower?  They’d be able to help.”

“Let me try something first, okay.”  Jamie takes Nikki into the living room.

Jamie starts singing as he paces around the room, patting Nikki’s back in time with the song.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,” he sings.  “You make me happy when skies are grey.”

As he sings, swaying gently to the song, Jamie feels Nikki start to quiet.  His tiny sobs becoming less and less.  Pretty soon he’s sound asleep.

“Miracle worker.”  Sid whispers.  “Why didn’t we try this sooner?”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

It takes a good day and a half for Nikki to stop crying most of the time.  He clings to Jamie when he’s awake the first couple of days.  Sid is the one who has a better grasp of Russian, however, which creates a strange set-up.  Nikki will make Jamie take him to Sid, then Nikki will say something to Sid in Russian.  Sid, if he understands, will get whatever it is that Nikki wants.  He has to hand it to Jamie, though, because Nikki won’t take anything directly from Sid.

By the third day, Nikki decides that Uncle Sid is okay again.  From that point on, things go well.  Jamie takes care of things like going potty, changing pull-up diapers, bath time, and getting dressed.  Sid handles food duty, Nikki sitting in his lap to eat because he’d thrown a tantrum every time they tried to sit him in the highchair. 

There are toys strewn from one end of the living room to the other.  He likes his building blocks the best and is happiest when all three of them are on the floor building towers.  His favorite thing is to wait until Sid and Jamie have stacked eight or nine blocks up and then he knocks them over, squealing with delight as the blocks scatter everywhere.

He also likes to dance and sing songs with Jamie.  When he’s tired, he wants Jamie to hold him and pat his back so he can fall asleep with his head on Jamie’s shoulder.  Sid’s found them a few times, Jamie stretched out on the couch with Nikki sprawled across his chest, both of them sleeping soundly. 

They take Nikki with them grocery shopping, getting stopped by people they know who ooh and aah over him.  They go to the zoo for a day, visiting the penguins.  Nikki has fun feeding the one named after his papa the most.  They go to the parks to play. 

Before they know it, the week is over.  Geno and Anna come home, picking Nikki and all his belongings up.  Once they leave, Sid goes in and flops down on the couch next to Jamie, who is texting someone.

Tanger:  _Geno texted that he is home.  How did week go?_

Jamie:  _Good.  A lot of work.  But a lot of fun._

Tanger:  _Think he got the idea?_

Jamie:  _Don’t know.  He just sat down with me.  Will call later and let you know._

Tanger:  _Good luck._

Sid looks over at Jamie’s phone.  “Tell Tanger I said hi?”

“Of course.”  Jamie puts his phone down on the table.  “He heard G was home, wanted to know if we were having Nikita withdrawal yet.”

“It is really quiet in here,” Sid laughs, “and I didn’t trip over any toys walking from the kitchen.”

“That’s good.  I think we did pretty well this week.  We didn’t lose him or let him die.”

“Better than you do with plants.”

“Funny.”  Jamie smacks his leg.

“So.  I’m guessing he was in on your plan?”

“What plan?”

“Come on.  Geno letting us keep Nikki for a week.  While they went on vacation?”  Sid actually holds up his hands and makes quotation marks in the air as he says the word vacation.  “They never left Pittsburgh.”

Jamie dips his head sheepishly.  “You knew that?”

Sid laughs.  “I saw Geno getting out of his car the day we went to the zoo.”

“Oh.  But you didn’t say anything?”

“I figured something was going on, it took me a little time to figure out what.”  Sid smirked.  “You put a lot of effort into this.”

“You wouldn’t talk about it.  Thought maybe if I showed you that we could do it…”

“Having a kid is more than just babysitting for a week in the off-season, Jame.  It’s a huge commitment.  Time.  Energy.  We aren’t like our friends.  They have wives who are home when they’re on the road…”

“Or nannies.  We can get a nanny, Sid.  Or any of them have said they’d babysit for us.  Nathalie would love to have a little one running around to take care of.  She said she’d babysit when we had to travel.”

“You’ve talked about this with her?”

“I’ve talked about it with a bunch of people.  Everyone but you.”

“Okay.”  Sid sighs.  “I get it.  So.  Let’s talk about it then, seriously talk about it.”

“Really?”

“If you think you’re ready to take that step, then okay.  I’ll listen.”


	3. Cabin Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I tried to tell you.”  Sid says.  “And I’m still not sure that we’re ready to do this.  We haven’t talked about what this really means.  How this changes our lives.”  
> “We did.”  
> “No.  You glossed over the whole we can get a nanny, our friends will babysit, it won’t disrupt our lives thing.”  Sid admonishes him.  “And you avoided my questions when I asked if you were really ready to be tied down.”  
> “Jesus, don’t bring up the age thing again, Sid.

Brochures and pages upon pages of material printed off the internet are spread across the table at the cabin near Smoky Lake.Jamie looks over one of the brochures as Sid fixes dinner.They’d gotten to the cabin the night before, intending to spend a couple of weeks just hanging out.And talking.

“That’s a lot of information,” Sid remarks, looking over his shoulder at everything Jamie dumped on the table.

“There’s a lot we need to talk about.This isn’t something to take lightly.”

Sid snickers to himself at Jamie, he has been taking this so seriously ever since Sid agreed to at least talk about it.He’d done research, a lot of research, telling Sid he wanted to be able to answer any questions, or at least know who to ask if he couldn’t answer something.

“So.Tell me what I need to know.”

“Well, I guess the first thing we need to decide is whether we want to go the surrogacy route or adoption.I’m okay with either.”

“Okay.I agree that adoption would be okay, and I’m sure there are a lot of kids that need good homes.But, I guess, I’d like to look into surrogacy first.Wouldn’t you like it if one of us could be the father?”

“Yeah.That would be great, of course.There’s a lot more consideration that needs to go into that option.A lot of legal stuff, do we go through an agency or do it privately, do we do it in Pittsburgh or up in Canada, blah blah blah.”

“If you’re using blah blah blah already this isn’t going to work.”

“I don’t mean it the way it sounds.I mean that there’s just a lot to think about with surrogacy.”

“Okay.Walk me through some of it then.”

Jamie tells him about what he’s found on agencies that deal with surrogates.They aren’t limited to having to stay in Pittsburgh, they can easily use any agency in the country.They agree that they think it’s better to do this in the States than in Canada.Especially since most of the pregnancy will happen during the next season if their time frame pans out.Jamie mentions the cost.It’s going to be a lot whether they go through an agency or not.Sid gives Jamie a look.Yeah, Jamie understands.Money is not a problem.

Jamie touches on one of the issues that may come up with finding an agency and a surrogate.They are in a same-sex marriage and there are those who still don’t think those couples should have children.Jamie says that a couple of the agencies say they have successfully had gay clients.It’s just something to keep in mind.

The other thing is that they are pretty famous.There is always a chance of running in to an unscrupulous person who would want more and more money from them if they did a private contract.An agency would lend them some protection.

“What if the woman wants to keep the baby?” Sid asks at one point.

“Says that very rarely happens if it’s through an agency.”Jamie replies.“But, I don’t know.”

“Okay.What’s your concern?”

“I’m not sure that I want a stranger as the mother.And while the guys like to joke about it, I’m not a girl.So, that means an egg donor.”

“I don’t know how to get around that, baby boy.”

Jamie huffs.Sid sighs.He puts down the knife and carrots he was cleaning and walks over to stand next to Jamie, who looks up at him.Sid bends down and kisses Jamie softly.

“We don’t need to decide everything right this minute,”he says as he straightens and goes back to cleaning the vegetables, “so relax and tell me more about some of the agencies you found.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------

The lake is still too cold to swim, but Sid would rather fish anyway.He’s already caught a couple of nice fish for dinner, so he’s gone to catch and release mode.Jamie’s stretched out on a blanket soaking up some sun and reading more of the information to Sid.After hearing nothing about nothing but surrogacy agencies for the entire week they’ve been there, Sid has heard enough.He’s tuned Jamie out at this point, happily concentrating on casting his line out into the lake and slowly reeling it back in.

“Hey.”Jamie says.“I said that maybe we could find someone we know to be the egg donor.”

Sid doesn’t respond.

“Sid!”

“What?” Sid jerks around to look at Jamie.“Sorry, baby boy, what were you saying?”

“You aren’t listening to me at all are you?”

“I am.” He tries to sound convincing.It isn’t working by the look on Jamie’s face.“Okay, no.I wasn’t listening.”

Sid reels in his line and sets the pole down on the bank.He walks over and sits down on the blanket with Jamie.

“I said, we could find someone we know to be an egg donor.Then the surrogate would just carry the baby.”

“That’s an option.”

“Yep.I think that might work.”

“So, who do we ask?”

“I have no idea.”Jamie flips through some more pages of notes.“How do you even approach somebody about it?I mean, would Cath, or Vero, or whoever say yes?Would any of the guys be okay with a girlfriend or wife donating an egg?I’m not so sure I’d be okay.”

“They might.They all want us to have a kid.”

“Yeah, but there’s wanting that and then there’s this.”Jamie sighs.“I thought this would be easier.”

“I tried to tell you.”Sid says.“And I’m still not sure that we’re ready to do this.We haven’t talked about what this really means.How this changes our lives.”

“We did.”

“No.You glossed over the whole we can get a nanny, our friends will babysit, it won’t disrupt our lives thing.”Sid admonishes him.“And you avoided my questions when I asked if you were really ready to be tied down.”

“Jesus, don’t bring up the age thing again, Sid.How many fucking times do I have to tell you, I’m happy being married.I don’t need to experience the world.My life is what I want it to be.”Jamie says, monotone and drone like.They have had this conversation, he thinks, numerous times.

“You’re 20 years old.”

“Stop.A lot of people my age are married and have kids.A lot of guys who I know manage to play hockey and have kids at my age.You know, just because hockey was your whole life when you were my age, doesn’t mean it’s mine.Maybe I’ll retire and be a stay at home dad.”

Sid looks horrified at that thought.“You wouldn’t do that.Would you?”

“Maybe.Why not?”

“Because I want, because we, because…”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later that night, Jamie’s out on the porch wrapped up in several blankets.Sid is in the cabin in bed.The comment about retiring to stay at home and raise their child had led to a rather heated argument.Jamie was so mad at the moment that he didn’t even want to sleep in the other bed in the cabin, instead taking several blankets to the porch.

How could Sid keep thinking that Jamie would regret getting married.That he’d regret having gotten in to a relationship with Sidney at 18, when he was just a rookie.Even after they got married, Sid tells him he should go have fun if the opportunity presents itself.Fuck, Jamie thinks, he’s told him to fuck half the league it seems.That’s not Jamie.And it’s definitely not what he wants to be doing.

The comment about retiring had led to that same argument.And well, fuck Sidney Crosby. Jamie doesn’t care how cold it is overnight, he’s not sleeping in the cabin with him tonight.

Jamie hears the door open.

“Come in to bed, it’s too cold out here.”

Jamie grunts at him.

“Jame, I’m sorry, baby boy.Come on,” Sid pleads.

“No.I’m fine out here.It’s not that cold.”

“Fine.”Sid says, going back inside.

About two in the morning, Jamie’s awake.His whole body is shaking under the blankets.He can’t get warm.He can’t get comfortable.

Well, crap.

He gets up and goes inside.He takes a couple of minutes to throw another log on the fireplace, debates about going to the other bed, then finally climbs in next to Sid.He snuggles up as tight as he can.

“Fuck you’re cold,” Sid exclaims.

“Thought you were sleeping.”

“Couldn’t get to sleep.Not without you.”Sid rolls over and wraps his arms around Jamie, rubbing his hands up and down Jamie’s back.“I’m sorry.”

“When will you get it?”Jamie says through chattering teeth.

“Get what exactly.”

“That I don’t want anyone but you.Do you know that I haven’t even screwed around with Dumes since we got married?Not once.”

Sid pulls back a little so he can look at Jamie’s face.Even with just the dim light from the fireplace he can see the look in Jamie’s eyes.

“Not once?But I thought, you…”

“Not once.”Jamie repeats.“I want you, Sid.I’m happy being with just you.And I want to start a family.I want you to have that.I see how you are around the guys’ families.You want that, what they have.We can have that Sid.I know we can.We’ll figure it out, both of us playing, having a kid, too.A lot of people do it, two income families.If you really don’t want to do this now, that’s fine.But please, stop thinking that I’m not happy or that I need more excitement or to experience more things.I don’t.I’m happy.Really and truly happy, Sid.With you.”

Sid hesitated for a minute then leaned in and kissed Jamie.Soft.Warm.Tender.

“Do you want to wait?”Sid asks between short kisses to his lips.“Truth.Are you really ready to settle down and have a family?”

“With you?Yes.”Jamie answers firmly.

“Okay.Then how bout we just put the information away, enjoy the rest of our time here, and when we get back to Pittsburgh we seriously start this process.We’ll have a few weeks before we have to be in Cole Harbour for hockey school, so we should be able to get a lot done.Sound like a plan?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Jamie replies.“Sid?”

“What?”

“I’m so fucking cold.”

“Well, you were stupid and tried to sleep outside.”

“Know what would warm me up?”Jamie nuzzles against Sid’s neck.

“Really?It’s what, two something in the morning?”

“Mmmmmhhhhmmmmm,” Jamie kisses his neck.“Please?”

Sid pushes away from Jamie and makes him roll over on his back, sliding his hands up under Jamie’s sweatshirt.Jamie lets him push the material up and over his head.

“So, I hear the best way to warm someone up is by sharing body heat,” Sid bends down and places a row of kisses along Jamie’s collarbone.

“Yep.That would work.”Jamie reaches and tugs at the hem of Sid’s t-shirt.“A little skin on skin?”

“Oh yeah,” Sid pulls his t-shirt up over his head, then shifts his body so he is laying over Jamie.

Sid runs his hand over Jamie’s chest, down his arms, then back up to gently cup his face.He leans down and kisses his cheeks, his forehead, down the bridge of his nose, and finally his lips.Jamie arches his hips up against Sid.His hands slip in the waistband of Sid’s sweats and push them down. That gets Sid moving, and soon they’ve both shed their sweatpants and Sid is kneeling between Jamie’s raised knees, one finger slipping in and out of his ass, slowly opening him up.

“Come on, already,” Jamie moans.

“So impatient.”Sid chides him, smiling as Jamie pushes his hips down on Sid’s finger.Sid pulls it out and hooks his arms under Jamie’s thighs, rocking his body forward against them, pushing Jamie’s knees up to his chest and rolling his ass up off the bed.Sid shifts until he feels the tip of his cock against Jamie’s opening.His hips push down.He’s met with slight resistance by the rim of muscle, so he pushes harder and the head of his cock slides into the warmth of Jamie’s body.

“Oh fuck, fuck,” Jamie pants.

He feels Sid, inch by inch, gliding into him.Once Sid’s all the way in, balls against Jamie’s ass, he leans down over Jamie to capture his mouth in another kiss.Jamie loves this.Loves how Sid, and Brian too, can use their body strength and weight to bend him in half.How they can force his knees to his chest, hold him down against the mattress, or any surface, and fuck him.He loved it when Brian would get him like this and pound his ass, fucking hard and fast.With Sid, well, not that he isn’t just as good at fucking Jamie hard, but with Sid, Jamie has learned that he enjoys the slow, steady, easy fucking that comes with making love to someone.He and Brian would fuck, ‘cause that’s what fuck buddies do.He lets Sid make love to him.

Sid’s mouth is hot on Jamie’s, hot and wet and possessive.Jamie feels Sid roll his hips, slowly grinding his cock as deep as he can into Jamie.Sid’s arms keep Jamie’s body folded under him.Jamie wants to push up against him, wants to take more, but Sid keeps him pushed down.Jamie can’t breath, can’t think, doesn’t know anything but the feel of Sid’s body over him, in him.

“Warming up?” Sid whispers into Jamie’s ear after he breaks away from the kiss.

“Jesus,” Jamie moans.

Sid keeps his head down beside Jamie’s, his breath hot on Jamie’s skin.Jamie’s breath is hitching, small gasps of air hitting Sid’s ear.Sid rolls his hips a few more times then starts to rock them up and down, pulling out part way before stroking back down and into Jamie.Short strokes, slowly letting the pressure between them build.

“This is how I like you,” Sid whispers.“So fucking tight.So hot around me.Could fuck you all night, just like this.”

“God, yes.”Jamie manages to get out.“Fuck me.”

Jamie gets his arms around Sid’s shoulders, his fingers digging in to Sid’s back, pulling him closer if that’s possible.All he wants is for Sid to keep him like this, the closeness, the emotion of them fucking like this is always too much for him.Sid feels it, feels the minute Jamie goes over the edge.It’s not that he comes, so much as his whole body goes lax under Sid.This is so different from the Jamie who is all motion, all energy, when they are fucking in other positions.Sid loves Jamie like this.

Sid picks up his pace, rocking faster, his thrusts increasing.Jamie is breathing heavy, Sid is starting to breath hard himself.He feels Jamie tense, his ass clenches down around Sid’s cock and that’s it.Sid feels Jamie’s come spurt between them, coating both their chests.He thrusts in a couple of times and feels himself come, deep in Jamie’s ass the warm liquid spreading around his cock making it slide easier than it had.He pushes in and out a few times, then slowly pulls out of Jamie once he’s spent.

It takes some effort for Sid to push himself back up and off Jamie.Jamie straightens his legs and gets himself onto his side so Sid can lie down behind him, spooned up against Jamie’s back.

“That was nice.”Sid kisses the back of Jamie’s neck.“Warmed up?”

“Yeah, thank you.”He takes Sid’s hand and pulls his arm around his waist, twining their fingers together.“Nice.”

“Blankets.”Sid says, extracting his hand just long enough to reach down and pull the blankets up over them before wrapping it around Jamie’s waist again.“You okay being sticky?”

“Mmmhhhmmm…”

Jamie’s on his way out, Sid figures.The combination of sex and the warmth of the cabin after being out in the cold have him blissed out.

“Make up sex is the best,” Sid whispers into Jamie’s hair.

“You know it.”Jamie responds.

\-----------------------------------------------------

The next morning, they sit at the table eating breakfast.Jamie can’t help but notice that Sid keeps staring at him with a strange look on his face.

“What?”

“Huh?”Sid startles.“What, what?”

“You’re looking at me like I have two heads.What did I do now?”

“Nothing, I was just, nothing.”

“Un uh, come on, what is it?”Jamie demands.

“Well, I was just thinking about something you said last night.Have you really not hooked up with Dumo at all since we got married?”

Jamie stops for a minute, his fork full of food half-way between the plate and his mouth.He puts it back down on the plate.

“No.We haven’t.We talked and decided that we were both in relationships, him with Kayla, me and you.And we wanted to see if we really didn’t need to have a fuck buddy thing.”

“And, you didn’t, you don’t I mean.”

“Why would you be hung up on that?Have you hooked up with Tanger since we got married?”

“Um, no.We haven’t gotten together since you and I got together actually.”

“Well there you have it.”Jamie snapped.“So tell me, why haven’t you fucked your fuck buddy?”

“You know why,” Sid retorted.“Look, I don’t want to have this argument again, okay.I was just surprised to hear that you two hadn’t hooked up.It got me thinking about something.”

Jamie debates letting Sid get out of having this argument, but Sid’s comment has him curious enough to let the conversation go in a different direction.

“Okay, why are you surprised?What are you thinking about?”

“Well, not that I’m ever one to point out something like this, but, well,” Sid hems and haws for a few minutes, “neither one of you got hurt this past season.”

Jamie had been leaning forward, resting his elbows on the table.He sits back in the chair, thinking.

“No shit.”

Sid’s right.Jamie and Brian both played all 82 games this year without any injuries.Jamie sees Sid’s face light up and it dawns on Jamie why Sid fixated on that particular little fact.

“Crap.I’m never getting sex on a game day again, am I?” he laments as Sid starts to laugh.


	4. Finding a Surrogate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Maybe.”  Jamie looks up.  “That would be okay with you?”  
> “Yeah.  I think it would be.”  
> “Okay.  Let’s decide and ask one of them.”  Jamie agrees.  “I’d like to have that part done before we go to Cole Harbour next week.  Want to be able to focus on hockey school.”  
> “Okay.  You make a choice.  I’m good with either.”

Flower:  _How did the meeting go with this agency?_

Jamie:  _About the same as the others.  They all seem the same._

Flower:  _So when do you pick one?  If all same, use one in Pittsburgh?_

Jamie:  _I don’t know.  It all seems so…  impersonal.  Clinical._

Flower:  _Offer stands._

Jamie:  _I know.  We appreciate it.  Let Vero know._

Flower:  _Girls miss you.  You should come visit.  Sorel-Tracy is nice this time of year._

Jamie: _Should.  Miss them.  Trying to get endorsement shit done before hockey school.  Maybe July?_

Flower:  _How are you?_

Jamie:  _Okay.  Most days now.  Doing okay._

Flower:  _Hang in there Grasshopper.  Love you.  Gotta go take Scarlet to park._

Jamie:  _Love you.  Tell girls we send love._

_\--------------------------------------------------------_

Sid:  _I’m not the problem._

Tanger:  _Why don’t I believe that.  You’ve been dragging your feet from start._

Sid:  _He keeps finding something wrong with the agencies.  This one didn’t seem to like gay couples.  That one had one bad review out of a thousand comments.  He’s looking for things to find to be able to rule them out.  He was upset because a woman didn’t call us at 2 pm like she said she would.  She called at 2:15 because she was tied up in a meeting._

Tanger:  _What is his problem then.  He is one who wanted to do this I thought._

Sid:  _I’m not sure.  Scared?  Afraid that when it came right to it he wasn’t ready?  Has he said anything to you?_

Tanger:   _Nothing.  You know Cath will help.  Can donate if you find person to carry.  We would just worry about her carrying, you know.  So better if not.  But we will do anything we can._

Sid:  _I know.  He knows.  Means a lot to us.  Problem is we need to pick an agency and he won’t._

_\--------------------------------------------------------------_

T:  _I’ll do it._

Jamie:  _Thanks.  But no._

T:  _Why not?  It makes perfect sense._

Jamie:  _Cause then there’s no chance Sid could be the father._

T:  _He can be dad next time._

Jamie:  _No.  Just too… No._

T:  _Then what are you going to do?  You know mom is already picking out baby clothes.  And a crib.  And planning on moving to Pittsburgh to babysit.  And…and… and…_

Jamie:  _I know.  God help us._

T:  _So if I did this I could have her waiting on me hand and foot for nine months.  It would be great!_

Jamie:  _No T._

_\--------------------------------------------------------­_

Sid:  _We picked an agency!  Hallelujah! We met with our counselor on Tuesday to start filling out application and profile!_

Flower:  _Awesome!  What made him finally pick one?_

Tanger:  _Big step forward!  Cath and I are excited!_

Geno:  _Is best news.  Nikki can’t wait for little playmate!_

Sid:  _He still wasn’t sure.  Made him make a decision.  Will see how Tuesday goes.  At least I feel like we are really going to do this finally.  I’m excited.­_

Kuni:  _Great news!  Are they in Pitts?_

Sid:  _Yes.  Attorney actually recommended them.  Said he had other clients that used them.  So we did an initial meeting.  The woman had a framed autographed sweater in her office.  Mario’s.  She’s Pens fan.  So that may have been deciding factor for him._

Flower:  _Sounds like fate.  Let us know how it goes!_

_\-----------------------------------------------------------­_

Jamie:  _I’m not saying it didn’t go well._

Mom:  _But you aren’t saying it went well.  What was the problem?_

Jamie:  _We were filling out the papers.  There was lot to think about.  They said it could take a couple of weeks to start matching us with prospective surrogates.  The surrogates look over our information and decide if we fit what they want.  It’s just so impersonal.  Not what I thought it would be like._

Mom:  _Not what you want?_

Jamie:  _I want to be a part of the whole pregnancy thing.  Get to go to Dr. appointments.  Be around to do stupid things like feel it kick or hear heartbeat or whatever.  They said that not all surrogates are open to that much involvement by parents.  So might make finding match harder.  And then there’s the whole thing with it being a stranger.  Just seems…  I don’t know._

Mom:  _T has offered._

Jamie:  _Too weird.  And want Sid to be able to maybe be dad too.  Couldn’t do that with Taylor._

Mom:  _Use an egg donor.  Taylor could just carry baby._

Jamie:  _Maybe  That might be an okay option.  Will talk to Sidney.  Love you.  We’ll be home soon._

Mom:  _Love you._

_\----------------------------------------------------------------------_

Sid:  _We backed out.  Or should I say HE backed out._

Flower:  _Mon dieu!  Why?_

Sid:  _He just said he wasn’t ready.  I told you he wasn’t._

Tanger:  _It’s something else.  He is ready._

Flower:  _I think so too.  Something is going on in his head.  Cause I know he wants this._

Sid:  _He just keeps saying it feels impersonal to him.  Clinical.  He started really getting anxious when we were answering some of the questions.  Then they talked about medical tests.  Nothing bad.  Just standard screening stuff.  We came home and next thing I know he’s in a full on panic attack.  Haven’t seen this in months.  Scared the shit out of me at how fast it came on.  So all I can think is that he’s really not ready to do this._

Flower:  _Bad.  Fuck.  Yeah maybe better you wait.  Don’t need him going backwards when he’s doing so well._

Tanger:  _Did he say what brought it on?  Or you just assume he’s not ready._

Sid:  _I assumed.  Okay.  I’ll sit him down and talk._

Tanger:  _Good boy.  You are learning._

_\----------------------------------------------------------_

“Okay, what’s really going on?”

They are out for dinner.  Sid offered to take him to Primanti’s, so Jamie knows something is going on.  They don’t come here together often, usually it’s Jamie and the other guys.

“With what?” 

Jamie knows what Sid is asking, Sid’s sure.  So why is he avoiding the subject?  Sid’s tried several times to bring it up at home, thinking that is better in case it triggers another panic attack.  But Jamie won’t talk.  Maybe a little enticement in the form of his favorite food will help.

“Tell me what last week was about.  What happened?”

“I told you.  I’m just not ready I guess.”  Jamie looks at the table, playing with the straw in his drink and avoiding looking at Sid.

“That’s not true, though, is it?”  Sid prods.  “You had me convinced that you were ready.  We pick an agency.  Everything is going fine.  Then, wham.  You suddenly decide you aren’t ready?  That’s not you, Jame.”

Jamie just shrugs.

“You keep saying that it all seems so impersonal.  Is that the problem?”  Sid sees Jamie glance up quickly, then look back down.  Yep.  That’s part of it.  “They said that there are a lot of surrogate’s who want the parents to be really involved with the whole pregnancy.  And Joan said she could already think of three of four women who might be a good match for us, she was going to give them our profile first even.  It’ll be different once it all happens, it just seems that way right now.  I’ve even thought that.  We just have to get through all the legal stuff, the formalities of all this.  Once we have someone…”

“It’ll be a stranger, Sid.  No matter what.  It’ll be some stranger and half some stranger’s baby and it’ll just be not what I ever expected or, I don’t know.  I can’t explain why I feel this way about it.  I thought I’d be all okay, when I looked into it, it was all good.  But now.”

Sid reaches across the table, holding his hand out, palm up.  Jamie takes the invitation and puts his hand in Sid’s.

“But now you aren’t sure that it’s the right thing for us.  Okay.  Then what about adoption?  Or what about letting Taylor be the surrogate.  You and she would make a beautiful baby.  And it would sort of be like mine, as close as we could get to having our own.”

Jamie scrunched his brow.

“Too weird?  Okay.  I get it.”  Sid chuckled.  “What can we do then.  Vero and Cath have offered to donate eggs.  We can take them up on the offer.  Then it wouldn’t be a stranger.”

“Maybe.”  Jamie looks up.  “That would be okay with you?”

“Yeah.  I think it would be.”

“Okay.  Let’s decide and ask one of them.”  Jamie agrees.  “I’d like to have that part done before we go to Cole Harbour next week.  Want to be able to focus on hockey school.”

“Okay.  You make a choice.  I’m good with either.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Jamie types out the text as he’s walking to the passenger pick-up area. 

_Ready._

He stands and waits for just a few minutes before the red sports car pulls up to the curb.  He opens the door and gets in, leaning over to give the driver a quick kiss before buckling his seatbelt.

“No luggage?” she asks.

“Not staying.  Catching the flight back out in three hours.”

She looks at him, puzzled.

“Sid doesn’t know I’m here.  Thinks I’m spending the day with Brian Dumoulin.  Thank you Dumes for covering for me.”

“Everything okay, Jay?  You guys are doing okay?”

“Yeah, no, yeah.  We’re great.  I’m doing good.  Things are great.  I just, I needed to ask you something and I didn’t want to do it over the phone.”

“Okay.  Must be something important.  You want to come back to my place?  Or, just go get something to eat? Or what?”

“Your place would be good.  Not too far is it?”

“Bout twenty minutes.”

They spend the ride catching up, talking about hockey, about the Olympics.  She’s got a silver medal.  Not the gold she wanted, but she got to play in the Olympics and that was her goal.  She fills him in on her life.  Good job.  New car.  Big apartment.  No boyfriend.  That last piece is important.  It means she may be more receptive to his request.  The job thing might be a problem, though.

A short time later, they’re in her kitchen.  Jamie looking around, taking in the open layout of the whole place.

“This is nice.” He says.

“Thanks.”  She puts their sandwiches on a couple of plates with some chips and carries them over to the table.  “So.  What’s so important that you had to fly in just to ask me in person.”

“Sid and I want to start a family.”

She pauses for a moment before she takes a bite of her sandwich, letting his words sink in.

“That’s great, Jay.” She says after a moment.  “You could have told me that over the phone.”

“We were going to go with a surrogate and that’d been fine, I mean, it’s a good thing that there are women who will do that to help out couples and all, but well, we met with the agency and it was all fine, but then it just didn’t feel right for me, for what I want, and well, we’ve talked about other options, about asking for one of the guys’ wives to be an egg donor, but that all feels weird and well, I thought that maybe, I mean, I thought I could ask you if you’d maybe…”

“Jay, slow down.  Take a breath, baby.”  She reaches over and puts her hand on his as it rests on the table. 

“Sid and I looked into surrogacy, but it just doesn’t feel like it’s what I want.  I want.  I don’t know.  Whenever I think about having a baby, I can’t picture the mother being some stranger, or never being a part of his or her life, or even if it was one of our friends, that still wouldn’t be like what I’ve imagined and well,” he sits back and takes a deep breath, letting it out in a huff, “would you consider being our baby’s mom?”

“Wow.  That is a big thing.  Yep, definitely an ask in person kind of question.”  She pulls her hand back.

“I couldn’t, I can’t think of anyone else that I really want to ask, Cat.  It’s okay, though, if you don’t want to do it, or you think it would be too weird, or if it would mess up your life, cause you’re doing pretty well and it would mean a big change.  We can ask the Fleurys or Tanger and Cath.  It’ll be okay.  I shouldn’t have come.  I mean.  We aren’t and I… I’m sorry, forget I said anything.”  He babbles on nervously.

“Yes.”

Jamie stops talking.  He looks up at her, uncertainty written on his face.

“Yes, Jay.  I’d be willing to consider it.”

Okay, that’s not a flat-out no.  He’ll take it.

“It’s not something that I think I’m ready to rush right into and say yes this minute.  I need to think about it a little.  And you need to give me some more information.”

Jamie nods, “Okay.  What do you want to know?”

They spend the next hour talking about what Jamie is thinking and why he asked her.  They talk about a timeframe and some other details.  By the end of Jamie’s visit, he’s encouraged.  This might work out.  Cat drives him back to the airport and he catches his flight.


	5. Because It's Jamie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What’s in the past should stay in the past.  But, then again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter...

What’s in the past should stay in the past.  But, then again.  She knows she can’t let her emotions make this decision.  She needs to do what she’s always done when it related to him, step back and use her head, take her emotions out of the equation altogether.  It’s been hard to do in the past.  She may regret some of her decisions regarding him.  One decision in particular still haunts her, one he doesn’t know about.  No.  He’s her past, what they could have had anyway.  It should stay there.

But, then again.

Her life is what she wants it to be.  A great job as a physical therapist for a sports medicine rehab center.  Playing some rec league hockey.  The boys always need a good goalie, even if it’s a girl.  She has had her Olympic experience and it was almost all she thought it would be.  Curse the U.S. National Team for being so fucking good. 

She was divorced.  There’d been another man in her life for a short time, but that didn’t work out either.   She was by herself at the moment, and she was content with that.  The marriage had been a huge mistake right from the beginning, so maybe it was good not to rush into anything.  She’d been trying to escape her father’s control then, and that led to a bad decision.  Her heart made that move, that’s why she didn’t trust it when it came to making decisions about Jamie. 

Jamie.

She thought she’d said her good-byes to him two years ago.  Funny how that didn’t happen.  Her mom and dad, of all people, had reconnected with Jamie following the near tragic incident in their barn that following August.  She’d reached out to him.  Texts.  Occasional phone calls.  Just to let him know she was there if he needed her.  She’d always been there for him.  She would always be there for him.

She’d gone to the wedding.  Watched him marry Sidney Fucking Crosby.  Jamie had earned his spot among the hockey elite.  Two Stanley Cups.  A Hart Trophy.  An Art Ross.  A Conn Smythe.  And he’d been in the hunt for at least another Art Ross this past year.  He’d come a long way since their days of playing hockey on the pond at her family’s home.

He’d come a long way since she’d taken his virginity at 15, since she knew he’d fallen in love with her because of it, since she walked away from him without a second thought.  Since…

She’d watched from a distance, disinterested as he turned to her brother.  Kyle had always loved Jamie.  And after Cat had tossed him aside, Jamie figured out that he loved Kyle.  Okay, so if she was honest with herself, maybe the marriage wasn’t as much an escape from her father as it was a cover for that mistake.  The mistake she made when she didn’t go after him, when she didn’t tell him.

She’d gotten a second chance after Kyle’s death and after Jamie’s parents deaths.  She’d been so close to going with him to California when he got drafted by the Ducks.  So close.  But she let her head, not her heart win out.  Jamie needed to find his strength.  He needed to do it alone.  She couldn’t be his crutch, his fall back link to home.  If he didn’t do it, if he knew he’d have her to be there, well, she doesn’t think he’d have done as well.  He’d have ended up back in Edmonton where he was safe, where he didn’t have to face his losses.

Then she’d seen the rumors of his relationship with Crosby.  She knew it was likely true.  When she met up with him again in Washington during their first Stanley Cup run, she’d known the minute she saw them together in the hotel lobby.  Jamie confirmed it all when he took her up to their room to meet Sidney.  That was the day she thought she was done, that he was out of her life for good.

She wasn’t sure she wanted that.  It hurt.  But having him there, a constant reminder of the past, of Kyle, of happier times, of that loss and what could have been.  What’s in the past, should stay in the past.

His question had caught her completely off-guard.  The why of it all, that she understood.  To a point.  What could he be thinking? 

She wandered around her apartment, cleaning and thinking.  It’s been two days since he called and asked her to pick him up at the airport, a surprise visit that turned into a real surprise when he asked her to be the mother of his and Sidney’s baby.  Her mind still started spinning when she thought about it.

She ran everything he’d said through her head, again, for the hundredth time.  Finally, she went and found a notebook and sat down at her kitchen table.  She divided the paper into two columns with a line down the center.  At the top of one column she wrote PROS and at the top of the other she wrote CONS. 

She started listing all of the reasons not to do it, soon filling up the front and back of the paper.  She looked at the list, then wrote down one item in the PROS column.

_Because it’s Jamie._

She got up and left the paper on the table. 

It stayed there while she changed and went out to dinner with some friend.  It was still there when she got home.  She read over the lists again, then took out her cellphone.  She found his number and typed out the one word text.

_Yes._


	6. A Piece Of His Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You know what? I’m fucking tired of fighting, Sid.  And that’s all we’ve done since you said we’d talk about doing this.  So, I’m done.  I’m done talking.  I’m done fighting.  We can just go back to the way it was and it’ll be fine.  We can maybe try talking about it next year, or, whenever.”  Jamie stands up.  “I’m going to bed.”  
> Sid watches Jamie walk out and hears him go upstairs.  He finishes his juice, gets up and follows Jamie several minutes later.  Jamie isn’t in their room, though, and the door to the guest room is closed.  Sid doesn’t even try to talk to him, he just goes into their room and closes that door

****

Hockey school came and went.  The kids were disappointed that the cup wasn’t there this year.  They were starting to just expect it.  Oh well.  Jamie was disappointed, too.  The highlight of camp week, and the week after camp, was having Jared Strahn around.  Jared had been able to come help coach again, even though Jessica wasn’t at camp this year.  Jamie didn’t particularly care for some of Sid’s friends.  Nate.  But, hey, that was Jamie’s hang-up, so he’d hang with Jared and let Sid hang with Nate.

He got the run down on North Dakota, who had decided not to cut their men’s hockey program, much to Jared’s relief so he could keep playing.  He’d made the team as a freshman and had done really well.   Jared had called Jamie when UND first brought up having to cut some athletics and it looked like hockey would be on the list.  He’d told Jamie that if they did, he was going to stay at UND anyway.  He wanted to know if it was okay with Jamie if he didn’t play hockey.

“Why not transfer to another school so you can play?”  Jamie questioned.

“Scott doesn’t want to transfer.”  Jared told him.

Scott, well okay.  There you had it.  Scott was Jared’s boyfriend, his first real boyfriend.  Jamie understood, so he told Jared that he would pay for Jared’s education whether he played hockey or not.  He admired Jared, for knowing what he wanted and knowing that he could be okay without hockey.  Jamie wondered if he had that same conviction, that there was more to life than hockey.  He wondered if his threat to Sid that he would just retire was an idle one.

Jared had stayed an extra week just to hang out with Jamie while Sid did stuff with Nate.  They finally took him to the airport the following Sunday.

“It was nice having Jared around.  Glad he could make it.”  Sid tells Jamie as they walk in the door. 

“Yep.”  Jamie walks around Sid and goes to the kitchen.

“So,” Sid says as he follows him, “now that we have the house to ourselves again, we need to talk.”

“About?”

“You know what about.  You’ve been avoiding the subject for weeks now.”

“I haven’t.  We’ve just been really busy.”

“Okay.  But we aren’t busy now.  In fact, we aren’t busy until the end of August, so we have a whole month and a half of not busy.”

“Your point?”  Jamie huffs.

“Don’t huff at me.  You said okay.  You said you’d make a choice.  Then nothing.  If we’re going to do this on our time schedule, we need to let whoever you want to ask know.”

“Yeah, um, okay, about that.”  Jamie retrieves a bottle of water from the fridge and leans up against the counter facing Sid.  “You may want to sit down for this.”

“Jesus, Fuck, Jame.  Did you fucking change your mind again?  I’m ready to just say fuck it for now and we wait.”  Sid goes and sits down at the kitchen table, leaning back in the chair and crossing his arms over his chest.  “Okay.  Tell me.”

“Well, okay, um, you, uh, you remember when I said I was spending the day with Dumes a while ago?  Right after I said okay to asking one of the wives.”  Jamie bites his lower lip and avoids looking at Sid.  He keeps his distance, too, standing against the counter still.

“Yes.”  It comes out more as a question.

“Well, I, uh, I wasn’t with Dumes.  I flew to D.C.”  Jamie looks down at the floor.

“D.C., what for?”  Sid questions.  His first thought is Alex, but why would Jamie not tell him he was going to see Alex.

“I went there to, well, I went to see Cat.”

“Jamie?”

“Look.  You keep asking me why I don’t want just anyone and I’ve tried to explain and well, I, uh, I asked Cat if she’d be willing…”

“What the fuck, Jamie?  You just decided to go ask your ex-girlfriend without even talking to me first?”

“She’s not…”

“Not your ex?”

“No, I mean.  She’s just, she’s Cat, okay.” 

“Whatever.”  Sid huffs. 

“Do you need to be like that?”

“Do I?  You just spent two weeks being an asshole to Nate.  So, don’t tell me how I should be around your ex.”

Jamie knows that Sid feels about Cat the way Jamie feels about Nate.  When Sid first met her two years ago in D.C. during the conference championships, it had been good.  Sid was okay with Cat and Jamie, or that’s what he told Jamie at the time.  Since then, Sid has seemed more uncomfortable when Cat is around, very much how Jamie is around Nate.

“I wasn’t an asshole.”  Well, not completely, Jamie thinks.

“Right.  And it isn’t even the same.  I have no idea why you need to be jealous of Nate being my friend.”

“Really?”

“I never slept with Nate.  Or was in love with Nate.  He’s a friend Jamie.  It’s not the same.”

“That part of my relationship with Cat is in the past, Sid.  She’s a friend.”

“Whatever.  So, why did you go see her?  I think I know, but you say it.  Finish what you were telling me.”

“I asked her to be our surrogate.”

“Without talking to me about it.”

“Yes.  Cause I knew how you’d feel, and if she said no, well, then I wouldn’t have to get you pissed at me.”

“So what did she say?”

“She’d do it.  Yes.  She said yes.”

“Well, you can call her back and tell her no.  Cause it’s not happening, Jamie.”  Sid stands and walks out of the kitchen.  Jamie watches as Sid walks outside across the yard and down to the dock. 

The house is quiet when Sid finally comes back inside.  There is a note on the fridge.

_Gone for a drive._

To be expected.  That’s what Jamie does.  They argue.  He leaves.  Sid grabs his keys and leaves the house himself.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Jamie’s Ford Escape is parked in the driveway when Sid gets back.  It’s late, the sun setting in the distance.  The house is dark.

Sid lets himself in and walks to the kitchen.  He flicks on the overhead light and is startled to find that Jamie had been sitting at the table in the dark.  He goes and gets a bottle of juice and comes back to sit down across the table from Jamie.

“How long have you been home?”  Sid unscrews the bottle top and takes a sip, making himself wait for Jamie to answer.

“A while.  Where’d you go?”

“For a drive.  Like you.”  Sid answered.  He’d actually ended up over at his parents.

“I called Cat.”

“Oh?  Okay.  And?”

“I told her that we decided to wait.”

“We didn’t...”

“Yeah.  We did.  I guess you’ve been right all along.  I’m not ready to do this evidently.  So, we can just wait.”  Jamie starts to get up.

“Stop.  Jamie, this is stupid.  We should be able to work this out.”  Sid begs.  “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

Jamie sits back in the chair.  He takes a long moment to collect his thoughts.

“I don’t know.  There are a lot of things that made me ask her.  I know we could have T carry a baby, but, well, that would just seem weird to me.  She’s like my sister, too, that’s how I think of her and it would be weird.  And there’s the thing about us both having a chance to be the dad, so T is out as a donor, too.  With Cat, well, we could have that.  And, we could be a part of everything during the pregnancy.  And, well, it will be as close as I can get to the future I thought I’d have someday.”

“With her.  That’s what you want?  A future with Cat?”

“No, it’s not like that and that’s not what I said.  I want a future with you.  Us.  With our kids, just like I wanted a future with...”  Jamie’s voice falters.  “Forget it.  It was just a stupid idea.”

“No.  What?  Tell me.  How did you see your future then if not with Cat?”

“With Kicks.  I wanted to get married and have kids and have this future with Kicks, okay.  But I can’t have that, and truth, that doesn’t upset me the way it used to.  Why?  Because I have you and that’s what I want, I want this with you.  But, part of me, part of me wants that little part of him.  Cat is as all I have of him and she can give me that, can give me back a chance to have some piece of him in my life.  Do you get that?”

“So this is all about Kyle?  Not Cat?  Kyle’s gone Jamie, you can’t bring him back through his sister.  I thought you had that all behind you.”

“It’ll never be behind me.”  Jamie brings his hands up to cover his face.  “You don’t understand.  You didn’t lose half of yourself, Sid.”

“You didn’t lose...”

“Don’t!  Just don’t!”  Jamie cuts him off, anger in his voice.  “You don’t know.  You fucking have G in your life.  You didn’t lose him like I lost Kicks, so you don’t know.  What if you had?  Huh, think about it.  What if Geno had died, Sid.  And now, you had a chance to have this.  To have something close to having a piece of him back.  Wouldn’t you want that?”

Sid stares at him, taken back by his words.  Taken back by the bite in Jamie’s voice.

“You know what? I’m fucking tired of fighting, Sid.  And that’s all we’ve done since you said we’d talk about doing this.  So, I’m done.  I’m done talking.  I’m done fighting.  We can just go back to the way it was and it’ll be fine.  We can maybe try talking about it next year, or, whenever.”  Jamie stands up.  “I’m going to bed.”

Sid watches Jamie walk out and hears him go upstairs.  He finishes his juice, gets up and follows Jamie several minutes later.  Jamie isn’t in their room, though, and the door to the guest room is closed.  Sid doesn’t even try to talk to him, he just goes into their room and closes that door.

The next morning, Jamie is gone again.  The note this time says he’s gone to Sid’s parents’ for the day.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

“What did you do now?”  Kris berates him.  “He called me all upset.  Said you won’t talk about things, you only want to fight.  Won’t listen to his ideas, what he wants to do with this whole baby thing.  Is this true?  Are you being an asshole about it?  Cause I will kick your ass, Crosby if you fuck this up.”

“I’m not fucking anything up.  Did he tell you what he did?  Who he wants to be the surrogate?”

Kris had called him the day after their fight about Cat.  Jamie, evidently, had called Kris to bitch about Sid being the one who wasn’t ready to do this. 

“Yes.  He told me.  It makes perfect sense.  I think it is the best thing.”

“Are you kidding?”  Sid retorts.  “Right.  He has a baby with his ex, figures out he still loves her and wham, they end up back together.”

“You don’t believe that, do you?  What the fuck, Sid.  Flower and I need to come out there and knock some sense into your head.  How can you think he’d do that?”

“He went behind my back to ask her.  He was going to keep it secret until he absolutely had to tell me.  Why would he do that?  Huh?”

“Because he knew you’d react like this.  You won’t even let him explain or tell you why he wants her.”

“I don’t understand why we can’t just use someone else.  The point is getting the baby, isn’t it?  Not worrying about who carries the baby for nine months?”

Kris sighs into the phone.  Sid realizes what he’s said the second after it escapes his lips.

“I’m sorry, Tanger.  I didn’t think.”

There’s a moment of uncomfortable silence before Kris responds.

“It’s okay.”  He and Cath have been through their own struggles with having children.  Worries all through her pregnancy with Alexander.  A couple of miscarriages as they tried for a second child.  They had even discussed surrogacy, but had decided not to go that route.

“Why wouldn’t he want to let T carry the baby.  Vero has offered to be an egg donor, so either of us can be the dad.  It would be the same as using Cat.”

“No, it wouldn’t.  Not to him.  You need to talk to him, Sid.  Really sit down and listen to him.  He has reasons for why he doesn’t want Taylor to do that.  Reasons why he wants Cat.  And, look, you are really way off base if you think he wants to get back with her.”

“Whatever.  He told me it has to do with losing Kyle St. Croix.  I can’t compete with a ghost, Tanger.”

“Don’t whatever me.  You aren’t in competition with anyone for him, for his affection.  He’s in love with you.  You know he and Dumo don’t fuck around anymore, cause he got married to you.”

“He told me that.”  Sid says softly.  “But...”

“No but.  Do you listen to yourself sometimes?  The things you say to him?”  Kris says calmly.  “You tell him to go out and hook-up with other people.  You tell him he’s free to do what he wants.  All the time you are pushing him to go out with other guys his age around the league, for dinner, or for whatever.  You told him to take that female bartender in New York back to the hotel.  Do you remember that?  YOU.  You tell him to do this.  Does he?  NO.  Why?  Because he loves you and he is happy.”

Sid is quiet on the other end of the call. 

“Are you still there?” Kris asks.

“I do that, don’t I?” Sid finally says.  “I’m just.  I don’t know, Tanger.  I guess I’m just worried he’s not happy being stuck with me.  He should be able to be young and have fun.”

“He is having fun.  He’s been so much happier this last year, really happy since the wedding.  If you just look, you see it.  He has come a long way towards being okay again.  And I think a lot has to do with being married to you, having that stability.  Despite you keep telling him to go fuck other people.  He didn’t do it.  He stopped fucking with Dumo.  He’s not going to start fucking this woman again, Sid.  It’s not who he is.  You need to see that.  Believe it.”

Kris can practically hear Sid thinking.

“Sidney?”

“I’ll talk to him.  Or try.” Sid answers.  “I’ll try to let him explain again.  If you really think.”

“Yes.  I do.  Trust him.  Listen to him.  I’m telling you, this is important to him.  Don’t just brush it off, his feelings for the St. Croix boy.  Or, his feelings for you.”

“What did he tell you?”

“You need to ask him that.  But, I tell you wanting it isn’t unreasonable.  He loves you, and if you really are against it after you let him completely explain his reasons, well, he will probably give in and do what you want.  Because he really wants this, wants to have a child with you.”

“With me or with Kyle?”

“You need to stop being so insecure, Sid.  Him having this, a connection to his past doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with you.  He’s lost so much, Sid.  Remember that.  That mindset of his.  Everyone he’s loved has left him.  Except you.  He’s not asking for much.  Just to be able to have something back from what he’s lost.  I don’t think that’s too much of him to want.”


	7. If I Lost You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m sorry,” Jamie says after a few minutes.  Sid had heard him snuffle a couple times, so he guessed Jamie had been trying to get himself collected before he talked again.  
> “For what?”  
> “For going behind your back to talk to Cat.  I guess, I knew you wouldn’t go for it.  I shouldn’t expect you to,” he pauses, “I just shouldn’t have put you in that spot.  I’m sorry.”  
> “Nothing to be sorry about.”  Sid replies.  “You were right about something you said before.  I don’t understand, or I didn’t understand how you feel about Kyle.  You said, what if I’d have lost Geno.  Remember?  And I thought about it, but I don’t know if it’s a fair comparison.”

Well, so much for not being busy until the end of August.Jamie gets a phone call from Brisson on Monday telling him about a new endorsement deal from Canadian Tire.They want him to do some promotional clips right away if he can.The people at Bell Let’s Talk have approached him, also, about a series of educational videos and materials they’d like him to be the face of.He agrees to both offers if they can meet with him in Edmonton, as soon as possible.So on Tuesday, Jamie boards a plane and flies west.Without Sid.

Sid knows that it’s Jamie avoiding him.The meetings could have been easily scheduled for September after they got back from the island.But no.If Jamie isn’t there then they don’t have to talk and in Jamie’s mind, fight.He tells Sid that he’ll meet him in Pittsburgh a couple days before they’re to fly to the island.

For the first time since Jamie got out of Parkerson Behavioral, they don’t talk every night.Jamie doesn’t call Sid every day.All Sid gets are the occasional texts telling him very little about Jamie’s days.His friends are on his case to get on a plane and get his ass to Edmonton, just as they had the first time Jamie had run for home two years ago.Sid refuses.First, it doesn’t feel the same.Jamie is avoiding him, not running away.Second, maybe they both do just need some time to sort things out in their own minds.A couple of weeks really isn’t a lot of time in the whole scheme of things.So Sid gives Jamie some time and space.

Jamie’s commitments only take a few days it turns out.They are going to work out some other times for meetings with the Pens PR staff and space things out throughout the season.The new campaign for Bell Let’s Talk will launch on the BLT day in 2019.

Instead of flying home, though, Jamie retreats to the cabin for a week.

He spends his time running, swimming, and thinking.Thinking about what he wants and why.Thinking about his life.Thinking about what could have been.Thinking about what is.Thinking about what will never be.

By the time he flies back to Pittsburgh, he knows that most of his life will fall into the what will never be column.Sid’s right.He needs to get over it.

The problem... he can’t.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

They fly down on Jamie’s birthday.The plane is loaded with a lot more supplies than they’ve brought any other time, as they plan on staying a month.There are also several boxes of home décor items that they picked out for the house, to give it a more personal feel for when they are there.Nothing that will give away that they own it when someone else rents it, but things that they’ll know are theirs.

They celebrate Jamie’s birthday with steaks on the grill and sex on the bed swing.It’s the first sex since the fight and while Sid wouldn’t classify it as make-up sex, it is birthday sex, and Jamie is very enthusiastic about it.Birthday sex is the best, after all, he kids Sid.

For their anniversary, it is fresh fish caught during a day spent down at the beach.Sid had been distracted from his fishing several times by Jamie sunbathing in the nude.Turns out anniversary sex ranks right up there with the other sexes.

Two days later, it’s Sid’s birthday.Yep, being on the receiving end of birthday sex is pretty awesome too, Sid decides.For dinner it’s lobsters, one of Sid’s favorite things.

They’ve been there a week, and while the sex has been spectacular, the communication has not.Jamie won’t talk about the fight, or starting a family, or Cat.Jamie using sex to avoid talking isn’t Sid’s problem.Jamie not talking is.

However, not talking about having a family wasn’t the worst thing.At least they weren’t fighting.He got a daily text from Kris asking if he and Jamie had worked things out.Well, if avoiding things worked for Jamie, it could work for Sid.Kris’ texts went unanswered.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Over the last year, Jamie’s nightmares had become fewer and far less frequent than they had been since Kyle’s death.Treatment, medication, whatever he was doing, it was working.He was doing great.Except, he wasn’t.

Several times over the last two months, Sid had stirred in the middle of the night, rolling over to find the bed empty next to him.He was a little concerned at first, but after just a minute of two, he’d hear Jamie in the bathroom or Jamie would just wander back to bed with an excuse of having to pee or having to get a drink of water.So, Sid ignored it.Jamie would tell him if things weren’t good, he’d become much more open with Sid since the wedding, and since his stay at Parkerson.

Sid first noticed something was off with Jamie half-way through their second week at the island.The thing Sid noticed was that not only was Jamie getting up at some point in the middle of the night, almost every night now, but he wasn’t taking his customary nap during the day, a habit that started because of hockey, and eventually had just carried over to nearly every day all year.Jamie would go for a run in the afternoon – out of norm; take a shower in the middle of the day – out of norm; read a book – out of norm; play games on his phone all afternoon – out of norm.He was doing a lot of things that went against his norm, as if he was avoiding sleep.

“Is everything okay?” Sid decided to bring it up one morning over breakfast.They could talk about anxiety or nightmares, or whatever was wrong, without talking about having a baby.Even if whatever was wrong was caused by the fighting over having a baby.

“Huh?”

“You having trouble sleeping?”

“No.Everything’s fine”

Everything’s fine.Sid hated those two words.Especially when they came from Jamie.Everything’s fine meant nothing is fine.

For the next couple days, Jamie makes a point of taking a nap, or at least pretending to take a nap.He stays in bed all night, pretending to be asleep when Sid rolls over to check on him.The thing is, he needed to actually sleep at some point.Lying next to Sid, pretending to be asleep so that he doesn’t wake Sid when the nightmares hit isn’t going to work for long.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

Sid rolls over.The bed is empty beside him, the sheets cool to the touch.He listens.Silence.

He calls out and gets no response, so he drags himself out of bed and goes looking for Jamie.He finds him on the bed swing, laying on his side facing out away from the house.Sid slides in behind him, slipping an arm under his head and laying the other over Jamie’s chest.He crosses his arms over Jamie’s and pulls himself snug against Jamie’s back.

“When did it get so bad again?” He asks quietly against the back of Jamie’s neck before he places a soft kiss against his warm skin.

“When I started thinking about asking Cat.”Jamie sighs, reaching to entwine his fingers with Sid’s.

They lay there for a few minutes, Sid unsure if he should keep questioning.Jamie unsure how much to say.Neither wanting to upset the other.Neither wanting to fight.

“Tell me,” Sid eventually says.

Jamie takes a stuttering breath, his body shuddering in Sid’s arms.Sid patiently rubs his thumb over the back of Jamie’s hand and kisses the top of his shoulder.

“I think about him every day.”

“Kyle.”

“Yeah,” Jamie nods his head slightly.“I miss him.Every day.It’s not, I haven’t been having just bad dreams, I mean, some of them are about that day, but I’ve also had dreams about playing hockey on the pond, being at the cabin, being... being with him.”

“Okay.”Sid says coldly, without any emotion.He’s trying not to sound upset, but that’s not how it comes across to Jamie.

“You’re mad.”

“I’m not.I’m listening.Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“It’s what I said.I know Cat’s not him, and I can’t bring him back, but I could have, it would be like having a part of him in my life.But, if it’s gonna be a problem for you, then it’s not worth it.We can use a surrogate from an agency.”

“You’ve said you want to be a part of it all, everything with the pregnancy.What do you mean?Why is that so important to you?”Sid asks, keeping his voice low and calm.

Jamie shrugs against him.“I just do.”

“Why, Jame?Tell me what you’re thinking, baby boy.What’s going on in your head?”

“I want to be there for things.To hear the heartbeat the first time.Feel it kick.I want to do all the stupid stuff they say, like read to it, sing to it.Ya know, all the stuff they say that they react to even in the womb.I want to go to doctor appointments.Be there to get crazy foods for midnight cravings.I want to be a part of our baby’s life even before it’s born.”

When Sid doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, Jamie sighs.“I guess that’s all just stupid stuff, huh.”

“No.I guess I’d like to do all that stuff, too.”

“And, I want our baby to have a mom.And, if it was Cat, she’d be around to take care of the baby while we traveled for games.It wouldn’t be a stranger or someone, I mean, Nathalie and any of the guys’ wives would be good, but the baby could be with his or her own mother.Wouldn’t that be good?”

“Yeah, I can understand that.”

“I just, I don’t want to be... him.” Jamie whispers.“I’m not just dreaming about Kicks, I’m having the dreams about him again, too.”

“James.” Sid says, calling Jamie’s birth father by his name.They don’t refer to him as Jamie’s dad any longer, that title reserved for Bill Marsh, his adopted father.James Russell had evidently never really wanted Jamie, so why did he deserve to be called Dad.

Jamie just nods his head a little against Sid’s arm.

“You’re not him, Jame.You could never be like that.You’re gonna be such a great dad, the way you are with the guys’ kids, with other kids.”Sid squeezes Jamie tighter.

“I’m sorry,” Jamie says after a few minutes.Sid had heard him snuffle a couple times, so he guessed Jamie had been trying to get himself collected before he talked again.

“For what?”

“For going behind your back to talk to Cat.I guess, I knew you wouldn’t go for it.I shouldn’t expect you to,” he pauses, “I just shouldn’t have put you in that spot.I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry about.”Sid replies.“You were right about something you said before.I don’t understand, or I didn’t understand how you feel about Kyle.You said, what if I’d have lost Geno.Remember?And I thought about it, but I don’t know if it’s a fair comparison.”

Jamie starts to protest, but Sid stops him.

“Just listen.It’s not a fair comparison because I don’t think, no, I know that I never felt about Geno the way you felt about Kyle.The way you still feel about Kyle.I loved G, yeah, I still love him.And was I in love, yeah, maybe, now that I look back it was maybe that.But it wasn’t the way you loved Kyle.G hadn’t been a part of my whole life.And well, that got me thinking about you, and us.And, that’s when I got it.I thought about what I’d do if I lost you.Cause that’s the better comparison.”

He feels the wet on his arm as the tear rolls off Jamie’s cheek, feels Jamie shake as he takes a breath.

“If I lost you, I don’t know what I’d do.Except, that I would try to find a way, any way, to be able to keep a part of you in my life.I’d want to do what you’re trying to do.”Sid continues.“So don’t, don’t ever be sorry for wanting that, for having loved Kyle.And if anyone needs to apologize, I should be saying I’m sorry to you.”

“For what?”

“For being an insecure idiot.For not paying attention to what you and the guys tell me.For trying to push you with this whole thing about being okay with an open relationship, telling you to go fuck around if you want.Then getting jealous at the thought of you, well, of you and Cat.”

“You can be jealous, I kind of like that,” Jamie ribs him, “but you don’t need to be.Cat and I, I don’t think we could be like that again.I told you, it hurts too much.Besides, I keep telling you I don’t want anyone else.”

Jamie pushes against Sid’s hold just enough to get him to relax it so Jamie can roll over so he’s facing Sid.He tucks his arms up against Sid’s chest and nuzzles his face into Sid’s neck.His cheek is wet as it rubs against Sid.

“Okay, how ‘bout we call Cat and see if she’s still willing to do this.”

“Are you sure?We don’t have to.I mean it, I don’t want this to be a problem or to pull us apart.”

“I won’t let it.We can at least talk about it with her and give it a try.Okay?”

“Uh huh,” Jamie tips his head back so Sid can kiss him.

“So, is this where we get to have make-up sex?”

“Nope.”

“No?Really?”

Jamie snuggles up as tight as he can, tucking his head in against Sid’s neck and shoulder again.

“Nope.Just this, you holding me tight.This is better than make-up sex.”


	8. It's Not Always That Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Negative.  Started my period today.”  Cat says.  “So, we try again.”  
> Jamie looks dejected.   
> “You didn’t think we’d get lucky the first time, did you?”  Cat asks, going to sit down next to him on the bed.  
> “I guess not, but I was hoping.”  
> “It’ll happen when it’s supposed to, Jay.  If it’s supposed to.  Let’s go tell, Sid.”

September 3rd...

Jamie paced around the living room nervously, trying to distract himself by straightening the magazines on the coffee table, fluffing the couch pillows, even straightening the picture over the fireplace.  Sid, equally as nervous but able to hide it better, sat on the couch thumbing through a magazine.  The doorbell rang and Jamie jumped.

“Okay.  Be nice.” He said as he started for the door.

“Jamie, I don’t hate her.”  Sid sighed as he got up to follow him.  “I can’t believe you’d think I wouldn’t be nice at this point.”

Jamie looked back and glared at Sid over his shoulder.  “Uh huh.  If Nate were here, what would you say to me?”

“Fair enough.” Sid laughs guiltily.

Jamie opened the door, a wide smile on his lips, “You’re finally here!”

“Wow, what a long drive.” Cat said as she stepped in to his open arms, wrapping her own around him in a big bear hug.  Jamie actually picked her up of her feet.  “Jesus, Jay.”

Jamie released her and she stepped around him to greet Sidney.  The hug was far less exuberant, but still warm enough.  Sid even gave her a kiss on the cheek.

“He’s a bit excited,” he told her.

“I’ll get your luggage,” Jamie offered.

“It can wait, Jay.  I’d really just like to take a few to get out of road rage mode.”

“Hungry?”  Sid offered.  “We got stuff to make sandwiches.  Or did you eat lunch already?”

“No, that sounds good.” She answered.  “Then we can unpack the car.”

After they ate, Jamie took Cat’s keys and went to get her stuff from the car, leaving her alone with Sidney.  They needed to talk and he needed to let them.

“You’re sure you want to do this?” Sid asks her as he clears the plates from the table.  “I mean, it’s a big change to your life.”

“Only for a little while.  Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

“Yes.”  Sid sits back down across from her.  “What do you mean for just a little while?”

“Well, just until the baby’s born, then it will be back to normal.”

“Didn’t he?  He said you guys talked about this, about what he wants after the baby’s born.”

“We did.  Look, I’m doing this for Jay, because he wants this.  I can do this for him.  But as for the long-term stuff, I don’t know.  He doesn’t need to worry about that, though, does he?  We’ll just deal with it when we get to that point.”

Sid was a little taken back by her words, and a little worried by her attitude.  The thought of letting Jamie believe one thing and then pulling his dreams out from under him at some point didn’t sit well. 

“So, why are you doing this?” Sid continued.

“Because of him.  Isn’t that why you agreed to this?”

“Yeah, it is.”  Sid didn’t have to think about that answer.

“When we first met, you told me you could see how much I loved him, and I told you the same thing.  So, we have that in common.  But, I’m not who Jay loves or needs, I can’t be that.  I never could be.  Jay loves you, the way he loved Kyle, probably even more.  You don’t need to worry, I couldn’t take Jay away from you even if I wanted to.”

Sid didn’t say anything, taking in her words, surprised at her frank assessment of his feelings.  Surprised at her comments about Jamie’s feelings.

Cat looked around, Jamie should have been back by now.  “I think he’s waiting on us to finish our chat.  Trying to not interrupt, cause it couldn’t take this long to get my stuff.”

“Uh, yeah.  You’re probably right.”  Sid leans forward.  “Just one more thing.  If you aren’t in this for the long-haul, tell him now.  I’d rather he not end up with a broken heart when you walk away... again.”

“What?”

“When you didn’t go to California with him.  And don’t give me that look, you were in love with him.  And you hurt him.  That’s part of why I’m a little leery of this.  Things I’ve found out since I first met you.”

Cat’s expression changed, just for a second, but Sid saw it.  He was about to say something else when Jamie came back in.  Cat gave him a clear glare that meant their conversation wasn’t over.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

“Back when Jamie first asked me I went and saw my OB GYN,” Cat explained as they sat on the back patio later, enjoying the warm evening air.  “And I started monitoring my cycle then.”

“You kept doing it after Jamie said we’d changed our minds?”  Sid questioned, giving Jamie a stern look.  “Or didn’t you ever tell her that.”

“No, he told me,” Cat smirked.  “I just kept doing it in case you changed your minds again.  Jay can be pretty persuasive when he wants something.”

Jamie smiled at Sid.  “See.”

“Right.”  Sid said.  “Okay.  So what does that mean?  Jamie’s the one who’s done all the research on this.”

“It means, that if you want, we can start trying to get pregnant this month.  I should be ovulating sometime around the start of training camp.”

“That soon?”  Sid sounded hesitant.

“Well, they say it could take a few tries, so if you’re looking to have the baby next summer, we should get started.  My doctor ran some tests.  Based on my health, past medical history and age, I shouldn’t have any issues getting pregnant.  But you know, sometimes it just doesn’t happen.”  She tells them.  “You guys should have some tests done.  Not that I think either of you have anything, but you know.  And, we need to make sure you can get the job done, if you know what I mean.”

“She wants to make sure your little guys aren’t too old,” Jamie snorts at Sid. 

“I get it,” Sid sounds annoyed at the attempted joke.  “So, if we are good, what happens?  How do we do this?”

“We get a kit.  You guys jack into a cup.  I use a syringe to inseminate.  And, hopefully... we have a baby.”

“Just that easy?”  Sid ponders.

“Just that easy.”  Jamie exclaims excitedly.

He’s so happy, so full of hope.  Sid still isn’t sure about the whole situation, isn’t sure this is going to turn out well.  Cat’s words about not being in this for more than to have the baby echo in Sid’s head.  He thought she and Jamie had talked about this, had agreed on things.  Jamie certainly acted like Cat would be around after the birth, be the baby’s mother and help with the child-rearing.  It’s what Jamie wants.  It’s why he wants Cat and not a stranger.  But if she really isn’t on board with all that.

He debates about saying something right then and there.  About making Cat put her cards on the table.  Then he looks at Jamie.  Smiling.  Laughing.  Happy.

Maybe Cat is right.  Maybe it would be better to wait and see what happens, deal with it if it happens.  He decides to wait.  Having to pick up the pieces after the baby is born is a better option than having Jamie worry about it for the next nine or ten months.  He’s already having enough problems. 

The nightmares haven’t gone away even though they worked this out with Cat.  Memories of James Russell intruding into their lives again.  Sid can only deal with one problem at a time, so he lets the other go. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

September 19th...

Jamie reads the instructions, “A lot of stuff on the net says it’s easier to do this if you have help.”

“You think Sidney would go for that?” Cat chuckled. 

“Maybe.  I mean, it’s not like I’d be seeing anything I haven’t seen before.” He waggled an eyebrow at her.

“Right, that’s just what he wants to hear.” 

“So we can start trying?  Twice a day for a how many days?”

“Four or five.  I know you can handle that, can the old man.” 

“He’s good to go.  Trust me.  Not a problem.”

“I don’t think I needed to hear that,” she laughs, covering her ears.  “La...la...la...la...la...la...”

“Sorry.  But seriously.  It’d be easier if you had help with the insemination part.”

“If I can’t manage, we’ll see about next time.  Now, you need to go find lover boy and you two need to do your part.  Here.”  She hands him a cup from the kit.  “Let’s get this show on the road.”

Jamie leaves and walks down the hall to the master bedroom where Sid’s waiting.  He sits down on the edge of the bed next to Sid and hands him the cup.

“You wanna go first?”

\-------------------------------------------------------

October 1st...

“Negative.  Started my period today.”  Cat says.  “So, we try again.”

Jamie looks dejected. 

“You didn’t think we’d get lucky the first time, did you?”  Cat asks, going to sit down next to him on the bed.

“I guess not, but I was hoping.”

“It’ll happen when it’s supposed to, Jay.  If it’s supposed to.  Let’s go tell, Sid.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

October 23rd...

“So, is it true?  I heard you have a new girlfriend.”  Conor says casually one day after practice as a group of them are still out running some drills.

“What’s that?  Jim-Bob’s two-timing Sid?  With some girl?”  Bryan looks at Jamie.  “Say it ain’t so.”

“It’s not,” Jamie glares at Conor.  “Cat’s a friend.  She’s helping us out, that’s all.”

“No.  I don’t mean her.”  Conor skates around Jamie, poking at him with his stick.  “I mean Dixie.”

Bryan and Tommy both start to laugh.  Jamie is puzzled, evidently he’s missing something.

“I heard that.  But I don’t think he’s two-timing Sid, I think he and Sid are double-teaming Dixie.”  Tommy laughs.

“What are you...”  Then it hits him.  “Fuckers.”

“Yep, Jamie and Sid and their girl Dixie.  Dixie Cup.”

“Bet Dixie’s getting more action than I am.” Bryan kids. 

“You assholes.”  Jamie says. 

“Okay.  Sorry, really, how is it going?”  Conor asks, stopping next to Jamie.

“We tried again this past week.  Just a wait and see thing.  This is only the second month we’ve tried, so, not counting on anything.”  Jamie tells them.

“So, you guys are really just jerking in a cup?  Then she does her thing?”  Bryan questions him.  “I’m thinking you’re missing out on some serious fun.  I’d be going at this the old-fashioned way.”

“Yeah, that’s not happening.”  Jamie smirks.  “It’s not that type of relationship, how many times do I have to tell you that.”

“This is the woman that’s been at the games, right?  The tall blonde?”  Tommy asks. 

None of them have been officially introduced to Cat, yet.  She’s been at a game or two, but drove herself and left right after the end.  She’s not been to any practices or team functions, either.  Her idea.  Jamie doesn’t understand why, and Sid doesn’t seem to care.  So far, this relationship isn’t going the way he thought it would. 

“She’s hot, man.  Can’t believe you aren’t both tapping that if you have the chance.” Tommy continues.

“She is hot, Jim-Bob.  No doubt about that.”

“Married boys.  Happily married.”  Jamie smiles.

“Happily married doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun on the side,” Tommy jokes. 

“You are such the hound.”  Bryan pokes at him.  “A German hound.  What would that be?”

“A dachshund.” Conor says. 

“Small dog, small dick.  Yeah, that fits” Jamie chirps, skating away.

“Hey!”  Tommy complains.  “That’s so far off-base.”

Jamie ignores them and heads off the ice.  In the locker room, he plunks down in his stall next to Brian who came in just before him. 

“Dumes, any chance you’re free to go grab some food?”

“Sure.  What’s up?”

“Nothing, just looking for lunch company.”

“Uh huh.  Fluff?”  Brian stops unlacing his skates and sits up.  “What’s wrong?”

“Not here.” He nods in Sid’s direction.

“Okay.”

A little over an hour later they are sitting in a booth at Jamie and Sid’s favorite place in Sewickley, Frank and Grace’s diner.  Jamie took Brian there knowing that they would be able to talk in private without being bothered by a lot of people looking for autographs.  Grace took their order, brought them their food and then left the two hockey players alone.

“Okay, what’s wrong.”  Brian questioned as he poured some ketchup on his plate for his fries.

“Do you think, well, what do you think, I mean...”

“Spit it out.”

“Do you think it was wrong for me to ask Cat to have the baby?”

Brian stopped what he was doing and stared across the table.  Jamie looked nervous.  Or, upset.  Or maybe a little scared.  When Brian held his gaze for a few seconds, Jamie looked away, dropping his attention to his own plate. 

“Is something wrong?  You and Sid fighting?”

 “No.”  Jamie shoved a fry in his mouth.

“Fluff?”

“I just, I thought things would go differently.  The first time he met Cat, things were okay.  I mean, Sid was okay with Cat and I, well with us being friends.  But then, something changed.  And now, we’re all in the same house.  It’s just, pretty strained between them, and I’m caught in the middle.  I don’t think I should have asked her.  I shouldn’t have put Sid in this position.”

“You guys talked, though, and he was okay, right?”

“Yeah, but.  I feel like I’m being selfish.  He’s only doing this because of me.”

“You think he’d really do something he didn’t want to do?”  Brian says, then stops, grasping what he just said.  “Scratch that.  Yes.  He’d do it.  Because it’s what you want.  Have you talked to anybody else?  Tanger?  Flower?  Have they talked to Sid?”

“Tanger talked to him.  I just, I don’t know.  I don’t understand it.  Do you think I’m an asshole to Nate?”

“I think you can be. What’s he have to do with this, though?  Wait.  Never mind, I know.  Okay.  Truthfully, I think the two of you can be pretty jealous assholes at times. I was worried about Sid sometimes when you and I, ya know.  But then he’d try to get you to go out with some other guy and I’d wonder what was up with that.  Like, he’d tell you to do whatever then brood about it if he thought you really were doing something.  And you, jesus, anybody even mentions McKinnon and I can see your face get tense.”

“I’m that obvious?  Fuck.”

“So, things are tense at the house?”

“Yeah.  A bit.  Maybe I should just tell Cat this isn’t going to work.”

“You want a kid, though.” 

“Maybe we should just adopt.”  Jamie shrugs.  “I feel that I asked too much of Sid.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“You said it.  He gives me whatever I want.  I’ve told you, I don’t pay for anything.  Well, nothing except for the charter when we fly.  But nothing else.  Do you know how little of my salary and endorsement money I’ve spent?  He won’t let me pay for insurance on either vehicle.  Won’t let me pay for any utilities.  No groceries.  Nothing, Dumes.  I’m a fucking kept man.  So, I feel like I asked for this knowing Sid would give in and I’d get my way.  And now, I look at him and I know he’s not happy.”

“But you still want this.”

“Yeah.  I do.”

“Talk to him, Fluff.  That’s all I can tell you to do.”

“Whatever.  I guess.”  Jamie sighed.  “Anyway, how goes it with Kayla?”

“Knock on wood.  Another couple of weeks and we can tell everyone.  She’s worried, ya know, about jinxing things before she gets into the second trimester.”

“I’m excited.  You guys are going to be great parents.”

“So are you and Sid.  It’ll happen, Fluff.  Give it a little more time and see if things change.  Or just, have a talk with both of them.  See if you can get them to get along better.”

“It’s not that they don’t get along.  They just both seem unhappy with the situation.  Maybe I’ll talk to Sid next week while we’re out west.   We’ll have some time alone, just the two of us.”


	9. Why Are We Having This Conversation... Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neither says another word as they change out of their suits.  Sid puts on some shorts and a t-shirt and gets comfortable before ordering room service for them.  Jamie changes into sweats because Sid likes the room colder than he does.  He’s sitting on the bed surfing the net when the food arrives.   
> “We need to talk.”  Jamie finally says after the delivery person leaves.  He sets his computer aside.  
> “Okay.  So, let’s talk.”  Sid wheels the cart of food between the two beds.  He sits down on the other bed, the cart between him and Jamie.  
> “You aren’t happy with things, with this arrangement with Cat.”

It was an ugly game, but they won.  Jamie was exhausted as he walked into the visitor’s locker room of the Staples Center.  The Kings had taken them to OT and a shoot-out.  Jamie had come up short on his shot against Quick, but Sid and Tanger had both scored.  Muzz had managed to hold off Kopitar on the Kings’ last shot to give them the win. 

It had gotten physical, really physical, in the third period after the Kings tied it up at 3 with over 15 minutes left.  Jamie had taken a few hard checks and his body was telling him that he needed some medical attention.  His shoulder was killing him.

Before he stripped out of his gear, he walked into the changing room to check his phone.  Not that he was expecting any news in a text, but maybe.  Cat said she’d let them know as soon as she knew.  He swiped his finger across the screen and then froze.  There was a text notice from Cat.  He wanted to open it, but it said it was a group text, sent to both him and Sid.  Much as he was dying to know, he’d wait until Sid could be there to see the news – good or bad – with him.

Media seemed to go on forever.  Then he found Stew and had him check out his shoulder.  It was starting to stiffen up.  That meant time with some ice, then a rub down.  Then there was the need to grab something quick to eat and some fluids before heading to the showers, and finally, getting changed into his suit.  Sid came up to him as Jamie was slipping his suit jacket on.

“Did you read your text?”

“No.  Did you?”

“No.  I just saw that I had one.  Wait til we get to the room?”

Jamie nodded.  It was a short ride to the hotel where they were staying while in Southern California.  They still had a game with San Jose on the schedule before they flew home.  That would be the day after tomorrow.  Tomorrow they had an off day scheduled which would include some fun on the beach if the weather cooperated.  It had rained all day today.

At the hotel, Jamie leaned back against the wall of the elevator and closed his eyes.  He hadn’t talked to Sid yet, about Cat and the tension it was causing.  Cat’s email would set the course of their discussion.  He wasn’t sure what he wanted her text to say, which discussion he wanted to have.  Yay, we’re having a baby.  Or, I don’t think this is going to work and the pile of horseshit that would be.

The doors opened at their floor and he followed Sid down the hall to their room.  Conor, Bryan, Ian and Justin trailed behind them, laughing and joking.  Jamie heard them ask if he and Sid wanted to come to Justin’s room for a movie and room service.  Sid politely declined for them.

As soon as the door closed, Jamie pulled out his phone and sat down on the edge of the bed.  Sid sat down next to him.  Jamie held his phone so they could both read the message.

Cat:  _Call me after the game._

“That doesn’t tell us much.”  Sid commented, undoing his tie.

Jamie put his phone on speaker and called the house.

“Hey.”  Cat’s voice came across the speaker.  “Nice win.”

“Did we wake you?  You said call.”

“Nah, I was waiting up for you.  So.  Are you both there?”

“Yeah.”  Jamie said.  “Say hi, Sid.”

“Hi, Cat.  We’re here.”

“I think we did it.  It showed positive.”

“What?”  Jamie looked at Sid, uncertain.  “You took a test?”

“Yep.  I’m three days late.  And it was positive.  Called my doctor and set up a test for next week when you’re home.  Figured you’d want to be there.”

“Hell, yes!  Wow!  You think you are?  You think we did this?”  Jamie asks.  He’s excited, truly happy, so maybe that tells him which conversation he wanted to have with Sid.  “Holy shit, Sid!  Cat, this is great news!”

“Thanks for letting us know,” Sid added, much calmer than Jamie about the news.

“I thought you’d want to know right away.  I mean, I’m only three days late, but I’m pretty regular, like clockwork, so I had to think I was.  Test says yes.”

“I can’t believe it!  I’m so stoked now!  Can’t wait to get home.”

“Hey.  It’s late there.  You should get some sleep.  We’ll call tomorrow, okay?”  Sid said, getting up and walking across the room. 

“Yeah, Sid’s right.  It’s late.  We can talk tomorrow.”  Jamie says, frowning at Sid.  “Thanks for letting us know, Cat.  Love you.”

“Okay?”  Cat says, a bit confused.  “I’ll just be hanging out here, so call whenever you get up and moving.  Love you, Jay.  Sid.  Night.”

“Night, Cat.”  Sid says.

“Night, Cat.”  Jamie ends the call.  He sits and stares at Sid, who has stripped out of his suit jacket and is hanging it up. 

Jamie stands and walks over to Sid, slipping his arms around his waist and resting his head on his shoulder.

“We’re gonna be dads.  Great news, right?”

“Great news.”  Sid pulls out of Jamie’s embrace.

“But?  You aren’t happy.”

“I’m happy, Jame.  I just think I’ll wait until it’s confirmed before I pop a cork and celebrate.”

Neither says another word as they change out of their suits.  Sid puts on some shorts and a t-shirt and gets comfortable before ordering room service for them.  Jamie changes into sweats because Sid likes the room colder than he does.  He’s sitting on the bed surfing the net when the food arrives. 

“We need to talk.”  Jamie finally says after the delivery person leaves.  He sets his computer aside.

“Okay.  So, let’s talk.”  Sid wheels the cart of food between the two beds.  He sits down on the other bed, the cart between him and Jamie.

“You aren’t happy with things, with this arrangement with Cat.”

“You’re happy.  That’s all that matters.”  Sid takes a bite of his hamburger.

“Don’t do that.”

“Hhhmmm?” He tips his head, chewing slowly.

“What you always do.  Acquiesce to me.”

“Big word, baby boy, wow.  And I don’t do that.”  Sid chuckles, trying to lighten things up.

“You do, Sid.  Our whole relationship, practically, has been like this.  We’ve had this discussion, about me just being your boy.”  Sid gives him a stern look.  “I know, I know.  But I can’t help it sometimes.  We’re supposed to be in this together, remember?  That was the whole gist of our marriage vows.  But we aren’t, not by a long shot.”

“What does this have to do with having a baby?  I’m confused.”

“It has to do with you giving in to having Cat be the mother,” Jamie grumbles, “just to make me happy when you’re against it.”

“I said yes, because like you, I was tired of fighting about it.”

“But I’d said we didn’t have to.”

“Yeah, but you were having nightmares again and you were unhappy and...”

“Aha!  See, you did it because I was unhappy!”  Jamie points an accusatory finger at Sid.  “That’s what I’m talking about.”

“I like making you happy.  Sue me.  I don’t see why that’s a problem.”

“It is when it makes you unhappy.” Jamie counters.  “And when you do it all the time. I feel like, I feel like I take advantage of that, of you.  I feel like I used it against you to get you to say yes to Cat.”

Sid tipped his head to the side, smiling wryly, “So, you weren’t having nightmares?”

“No.  Yes.  I was, I am.  That’s not the point.  You know what I mean.”

“I don’t, but okay.”  Sid goes back to eating his hamburger.

“Why don’t you like her?  It’s more than just being jealous.”

“I like Cat.  I do.”

“Bullshit.”

“What?”

“You don’t like her, I see it.  So don’t lie to me.  Why don’t you like her.”

Sid looks down and pushes his fries around on his plate, thinking about how much he should tell Jamie about what Cat has said.

“Because I don’t trust her, okay.”  Sid says after a couple of minutes.

“Why don’t you trust her?”  Jamie asks cautiously.  “Sid?”

“She’s hurt you in the past, Jame.  More than once.”  Sid answers, not looking up from his plate.  “I just don’t want you to get hurt.  I know you want this, this tie to Kyle.  I get it.  But you’ve said it, she’s not Kyle.  And wanting her to be the mother of our baby just because she’s his sister doesn’t make sense to me.  I mean, why do you want her to be in your life at all?”

When Jamie doesn’t say anything, Sid looks up.  Jamie is just staring at him.  Looking... hurt.  Fuck.

“She’s just going to end up breaking your heart again, Jame, when she walks away after the baby’s born.”  Sid says softly, calmly.  Trying

Sid sees the confusion wash over Jamie’s face.  A moment of regret hits him for having said it.

“What are you talking about?  She told me she... did she say something to you?  Why would you say that?”

“She hasn’t said anything about not staying,” Sid lies.  “Look.  I’m sorry.  It’s like I said, she’s walked away from you before, hurt you.  I’m just worried she’ll do it again.  But if you’re sure about this, about her, well, I guess I should trust your judgement.  Trust you.”

“You talked to her, when she first came.  You’re sure she didn’t say something to make you think she wasn’t on board with everything?”

“No.  I just don’t,” Sid hesitates for a second, “I guess it’s just because of her past with you that I don’t trust her.  I may be reading things wrong.  But, maybe, maybe you should have another talk with her about things, now that she might be pregnant.  Just to make sure, okay baby boy.  Just to make sure that things are what you want.”

“Okay.  I guess I can do that.  Are you sure about this, though?  About Cat living at the house until the baby is born?  Cause, Mario and Nathalie offered the guest house.  Or, I can rent an apartment for her.”

“No.  It’s fine.  I want this to work, okay.  For you.”  Jamie raises an eyebrow at him.  “For us.  I want this to work for us.  So, I’ll try harder to be nice.  Like I said, even if I don’t trust her, I have to trust you.”

Jamie smiles at him, “Okay.”               

“So, question.  What if she tells you she doesn’t want to stay after the baby is born?  What if she doesn’t want to be a mother, to not help raise the baby, be a part of its life?  Would you be okay with that?”

Jamie scrunches his brow.  “She’s not going to do that.  She said so.”

He takes a bite of his own burger, then adds, “But whatever, it’ll be okay.  So, there, you don’t have to worry about me getting hurt.  I’ll be okay no matter what, cause I’ll have you and we’ll have our family.  Okay?”

Sid wasn’t sure he believed Jamie.  Everything he’d learned about Cat since their first meeting gave him cause for concern.  All he saw coming was hurt for Jamie.  He understood Jamie’s tie to her, she was Kyle’s sister, Jamie had an attachment because of that and because of his own physical relationship with Cat.  He couldn’t help thinking that those two factors were clouding Jamie’s judgement.

But, he did want nothing but for Jamie to be happy.  So, he’d try.  Try to keep his feelings hidden better.  Try his hardest to not think the worst.

\--------------------------------------------------------

Later, they’re in bed, getting ready to fall asleep.  After their talk, they’d finished eating, then watched some TV to unwind.  Nothing more was said about Cat or the possibility of there being a baby Crosby on the way.  Sid is on his back, his arm around Jamie so he can rub his hand up and down Jamie’s back, lightly drawing pattern with his fingertips.  Jamie is snugged up tight to him, his head on Sid’s chest, one arm tucked between them, the other arm draped lazily over Sid’s waist.

Something Jamie said earlier is weighing on Sid’s mind, however.

“Hey,” Sid whispers, “still awake?”

“Yeah.  Just thinking.”

“Me too.”

“Okay.  You first.”

“Earlier.  You said you still feel like my boy.  Is that so bad?”  Sid brings his hand up to card his fingers into Jamie’s hair.

“No.  I guess not.  It’s just that we’re supposed to be equal partners in this marriage, and I don’t feel like you let me be that.”  Jamie sighs.  “I told Dumes I was a kept man.”

Sid giggles, “You did?  What’d he say?”

“That I was one lucky bastard.”

Sid tips his head so he can kiss the top of Jamie’s head.  “See.”

“Whatever.”

“I just want to make you happy.  Take care of you.”  Sid says.  “With all you deal with, I guess that I don’t want you worrying about things.”

“I get that, but we’re supposed to be sharing the load, remember.  Wedding vows.  Everything. But, you don’t let me.”  Jamie lifts his head up so he’s looking at Sid.  “Do you know how much I have in my bank account?  Do you?  I asked my account a while ago.  It was a lot more than should have been there by my calculations.”

“Um...”

“Yeah, um.  We agreed that I’d pay for the charter flights and for stuff I wanted.  So, I asked him for a statement.”

“You should have your money for you.  Do something you want to do with it at some point.”  Sid tries to give a reasonable excuse for putting money back in Jamie’s account.

“Right.  That’s why you put all the money I’ve spent on stuff for us back into my account.  I want a husband, Sid, not a sugar daddy.”

“I don’t...”

“You do.  And that’s another thing, why do we have separate accounts.  Or, well, why don’t we at least have one joint account for our expenses.  Or for stuff we do together.  We’ve had this discussion and things change for a while, then you go right back.  I can’t help feeling like...” Jamie doesn’t finish his thought, but lays his head back down on Sid’s chest.  “Never mind.”

“No.  Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“Alright.  You know how I like to read stories.”

“Fanfiction.”  Sid sighs, “Yes.  God help me, I still don’t get why.”  He feels Jamie huff.  “Okay, not important.  So what about the stories.”

“Well, us, our relationship.  If it were one of those stories, well, you’d be the alpha and I’d be your omega.  You’d be the dom and I’d be your sub, which, okay, wait, that might be okay to a point, and okay, we may need to talk about that sometime, but anyway, back to the point...”

“What?  Slow down.  Alpha?  Omega?  Like Twilight shit?  Dom and sub?  50 shades?  What?  You feel that way?  Think I treat you that way?”

“Well, yeah.  Cause you do.  Which in some ways, I guess, I like, like when you take care of me when I’m having a depressive episode, or when I’m hurt.  It’s the other part of it, though.”  Jamie lifts his head again.  “The money?  Not letting me pay for anything?  Won’t let me help with the household expenses.  Won’t let me pay if we go out.  You just, well, you just do everything.  I mean, financially.”

Jamie waits for a moment before he continues.  “It’s not to the point like in some stories where you tell me what to eat, and wear, and just, control everything.  But it’s the money thing Sid.  I’ve said it before.  What’s yours is ours, but what’s mine is mine.  What’s mine should be ours, too.”

“Wow.”

“Wow?”

“I just like, I don’t know.  I like taking care of you.  And I make a shit load of money and I can do that.  So, I guess I just...”

“I make a shit load of money, too, Sid.  Okay, not quite what you make, but enough that I can share in _our_ expenses.”  Jamie emphasizes that one word.  “ _Ours._ ”

“And that would make you,” Sid pauses, “happy?”

“Jesus.  Really.  We’re back to that?”  Jamie said, sounding frustrated.  “Yes then.  If you want to make me happy we need to change things.  I need to help with _our_ expenses.  Especially with Cat’s medical expenses and the baby stuff, okay.”

“If that would make you happy, you know I’m all for it.”  Sid mocks.  He lets his hand grab onto a handful of hair and tugs, making Jamie tip his head more.  Sid lifts his head to bring his lips to Jamie’s for a rather forceful kiss.

“Mmmm...” Jamie moans softly. 

“So, now that we’ve settled that.” Sid kisses along Jamie’s cheek, working his way back to whisper in his ear.  “Tell me some more about this dom sub thing you’ve been thinking about.”


	10. Beat of My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sound repeats rapidly.   
> “Holy shit.”  Jamie squeezes Cat’s hand as she lays on the exam table.   
> Sid has his hands resting on Jamie’s shoulders.  He can’t help but smile at Jamie’s excitement.  Hell, he’s excited.  They’re going to have a family.

“I think Sidney’s concerns are valid,” she says, “if you look at things from his perspective.”

Jamie sits across from Janet Cartwright, his counselor for the majority of the last three plus years.  He’d first started seeing her after his parents’ death.  There was a short time, during his first year in the league when he’d seen someone else, but after the suicide attempt in 2016, the Pens hired Janet to work specifically with Jamie. 

“Maybe.”  Jamie fidgets in his chair.

“You don’t think so.”

“I just.  I don’t know.  I guess maybe.  But, I talked to Cat.  I know what she said.”

“What would you think if I said I agreed with Sidney about this.  That I might be worried about you and how things could turn out with this arrangement.”

“Why?”

“I know what happened when she left you before, after your parents died.”

“That was a long time ago.  That was before, before everything.”  Jamie says.  “Things aren’t the same now.  I’m not the same.”

“You tried to convince yourself of that back then as well.  That you didn’t have feelings for her.  This time, well, having a baby with someone usually involves a very strong emotional bond.  You say that this situation with Caitlyn is different, but I question that it will be even more of a risk for you.  You won’t be able to keep from getting attached again.”

“I wasn’t with someone else then.  I have Sid now.” Jamie states emphatically.  “It’s not the same.”

“Will you be okay if she leaves again?  If what you want, how you imagine things will be, never happens?”

“I don’t get why you think, why Sid thinks she’s going to leave.”  Jamie stiffens in his chair, his posture almost defensive.  “Or why you think if she does I won’t be alright.”

“I was there the last time, remember.  Unlike Sidney, I saw it, I didn’t just hear about it.’’  Jamie drops his gaze to the floor as she talks.  “I’m just concerned, Jamie.  Because I think you’ll get attached and then what if it doesn’t work out.  Also, because you tell me that you aren’t ready for this and then you go ahead and do it.  That stress, on top of an emotional blow if she leaves.  I don’t want you to backslide, Jamie.  You’ve come so far this last year.”

Jamie fidgets in the chair, rubbing his hands up and down his thighs nervously.  Experience tells her she won’t get anything else from him about this topic, so she changes direction.  “So, how are you dealing with the nightmares.  Are you still having them fairly frequently again?”

“Yeah.  I thought maybe after I told Sid about them being back they’d get better, but I’m still having them pretty regular.”  Jamie looks down again, tugging at the hem of his shirt.  “He keeps telling me that I’m not him.  That I won’t be like him.”

“You worry about it, though.”

“Yes.”  Jamie takes a few slow breaths, like he’s trying to settle himself. 

“Why don’t you tell Sid you really aren’t ready for this?”

“Little late for that, if Cat is pregnant.”  Jamie shakes his head slowly, “Besides, I want to do this now, for him.  He shouldn’t have to wait to start a family, to get what he wants for a change.  And it’s not like I don’t want kids, or don’t like kids.  I do.  I love playing with the other guys’ kids or working with the kids at hockey school.  But...”

“But you aren’t sure you are ready for your own.  That’s putting you under a lot of pressure.”  Janet says.  “So is that maybe the real reason behind the nightmares?”

“I can’t change my mind now.  I just wish I could convince myself.  Anyway, I convinced Sid I was ready.  And this is happening, so it’s pretty much a moot point.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Well, you are indeed expecting, Caitlyn.  Congratulations, everyone.”  Dr. Wexler smiles across her desk at the three of them.  “It is still very early based on what you told me about your ovulation cycle and the last date you inseminated, about five weeks.  Are you feeling any changes yet?”

“A little, I’ve felt bloated but not like period bloat.  And I’ve been a little more tired.”

“All normal.  You’ve been taking the supplements I prescribed, so you’re ahead of the game.  There’s not much else to do, I have some reading materials for all of you to read, to help you understand what to expect over the next few weeks.  Are you going to tell your family and friends, yet?”

“No.”  Cat says firmly.  “Not yet.”

“Okay.  Let’s set up an appointment for five or six weeks, depending on when we can fit your schedule Sid, Jamie. We’ll do an initial ultrasound at that time to see how things are progressing.”

“Sounds good.  Thank you Dr. Wexler.”  Cat stands to leave.

Jamie instinctively slips his arm around her waist to help her up.  He’s focused on her and doesn’t see the look on Sid’s face.  Cat sees it, just the brief look before Sidney’s media face shows up.  She’s seen that face a lot since the guys got back from their road trip.

Sid hasn’t been rude, or mean, or uncaring, but he hasn’t been much warmer than he was before they left.  More just, neutral.  As unemotional as he can be when facing the media.  She worries about it.  Worries about Jamie caught in the middle, between them. 

Jamie asked her again if she was sure about being a mother, if this was something she wanted.  That it wasn’t just something she was doing for him.  Cat had tried to reassure him.  She knew though that Sidney had laid that doubt in Jamie’s mind because of what she said. 

She thought about telling him why she had said it in the first place.  She hadn’t meant to say it, it just came out.  Probably because she had been thinking about what had happened before, which made her think about how all this could turn out.  About everything that could go wrong.

Maybe this time would be different.  They told her it was a risk, but nothing was a certainty.  So she needed to not worry about what might happen, just concentrate on what was happening.  And, not worry Jamie, or Sid, if she didn’t have to.

\-------------------------------------------------------

_Whomp.  Whomp.  Whomp.  Whomp.  Whomp._

The sound repeats rapidly. 

“Holy shit.”  Jamie squeezes Cat’s hand as she lays on the exam table. 

Sid has his hands resting on Jamie’s shoulders.  He can’t help but smile at Jamie’s excitement.  Hell, he’s excited.  They’re going to have a family.

“So how have the last few weeks been?”  Dr. Wexler asks.  “No problems?”

“Morning sickness sucks.”  She smiles up at Jamie and Sid.  “Huh, guys.”

“Pretty much.”  Sid chuckles.  “Especially when you’re a sympathetic puker.”

“You have no idea.  Having to put up with both of you tossing your cookies all the time.  I’ll be so happy when we get past this stage.”  Jamie laughs.

“Did he tell you that he’s been eating for the three of us?  Cat, me and the baby.”  Sid snorts.  “He’s put on 15 pounds in three weeks.”

“I have not gained that much.”  Jamie retorts. 

“Okay.  Maybe not quite that much.”  Cat backs up Sidney.  “But at least 10”

“Well, the morning sickness should pass soon.  You’re about 11 weeks.  So, maybe another couple of weeks or so, most women say it lasts for the first trimester only.  But I’m gonna tell you it could last longer.”  Dr. Wexler puts the ultra-sound equipment down and pulls off her latex gloves.  She sits up straight.

“Okay.  Serious time.  We talked about the genetic testing options.  You want to run them, right?”

“Yes.”  Sid says calmly.  “We talked it over and all agreed that it wouldn’t make a difference, we’d have the baby regardless of what any tests show.  But if there are problems, we can plan ahead for them.”

Jamie and Cat give their agreement. 

“Okay, then.  I can tell you that everything looks okay on this ultrasound.  And based on your information, we’re looking at a tentative due date of around July 8.”

“Just over seven months,” Jamie whispers.  It seems like an eternity to wait, but he knows the time will go too fast.


	11. Telling The Parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s Christmas morning, however, and Trina isn’t going to worry about any of that.  They’re about done opening presents.  It had been a good morning, everyone liking the things they’d gotten so far.  Clothes.  Books.  Video games.  Gift cards.  There’s one small box still under the tree.  Sid looked at Taylor, who’d played Santa and handed out the presents, and told her to hand it to their mother.  
> “This is from the three of us,” Sid said.  “To the three of you.  But, Mom, you can open it.”

The following Friday afternoon, Cat drove to the airport to pick up Sid’s parents and sister who were flying in for Christmas.Sid and Jamie were on a road trip and wouldn’t be back until Sunday night.Even though she’d met them a few times, she didn’t know Sid’s parents very well.The time alone with them would give her the opportunity to get to know them better.

She knew Taylor, so that would help.They’d played against each other, or on a national team together, several times in the past.They were both goalies and goalies, well, there was just an unspoken bond there.But under these circumstances, she couldn’t be sure how Taylor would feel or if things would be okay with her.

She was nervous and it showed as she fidgeted with the radio and checked her phone every five seconds for the text telling her they’d landed and were waiting to be picked up.She wished they had waited until the boys were home before coming, but this flight was available and they really wanted to come now and spend some time with her.Trina had been insistent that she get to know the mother of her future grandchild better.

Her phone chirped with the expected text and she pulled out of the parking lot and drove to the passenger pick-up area.The three Crosbys were waiting with their luggage about half-way down the line.Taylor waved when she saw Jamie’s Jeep pulling up.Cat got out and walked around the vehicle.

“Hey, Merry Christmas!” Taylor pulled her into a big hug.“So glad you could come pick us up.”

“No problem.Glad you guys could come.”She broke from Taylor’s embrace only to be wrapped up in a hug from first Trina and then Troy.Both smiling warmly and wishing her a Merry Christmas.

“So, how are you?Any news yet?” Trina asked excitedly.

“I’m good, and no news yet.”Cat told her.

They piled in to the vehicle and drove home.The conversation was light and pleasant, a lot about Christmas last year at the island and how much they hoped Sid and Jamie took Cat down there for a vacation.So far, everything seemed to be going okay.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

Sid is sitting at one end of the couch, Cat at the other, and Jamie in between them.It’s very symbolic Trina thinks as she looks at the three of them.It’s a clear reflection of what she’s witnessed over the last couple of days, since the boys got home from their road trip.She’s noticed more than once when Jamie’s been caught between Cat and Sid over something, walking into a room and seeing the looks, overhearing an occasional conversation.

She’s a bit taken back at Sidney’s behavior, to be honest.She knows her son, very well, and this is not the type of behavior she would expect.She’s seen him jealous, but nothing like this.What bothers her is she’s seen nothing in Jamie’s behavior, or his interactions with Cat that should make Sidney think there is anything going on.She’s thinks she should say something, but doesn’t want to rock this particular boat, for fear of the fallout.She wants a grandchild, after all, and this is her best chance.

Cat, for her part, doesn’t give any indication that she is doing this for any other reason than that Jamie had asked.She didn’t act like she was interested in Jamie still, or that she wanted a relationship with him.

Cat and Taylor had spent a lot of time talking over the weekend.All three women going Christmas shopping at one point.Cat was warm, friendly, outgoing.She just kept saying she was happy she could do this for Sid and Jamie, so they could have a family.The more time Trina spent with her, the more she liked her. She didn’t understand Sidney’s concerns.

It’s Christmas morning, however, and Trina isn’t going to worry about any of that.They’re about done opening presents.It had been a good morning, everyone liking the things they’d gotten so far.Clothes.Books.Video games.Gift cards.There’s one small box still under the tree.Sid looked at Taylor, who’d played Santa and handed out the presents, and told her to hand it to their mother.

“This is from the three of us,” Sid said.“To the three of you.But, Mom, you can open it.”

Trina’s eyes lit up, hopeful that this was the one present she’d been looking for all morning.She quickly ripped open the paper.She sat the box that was inside it on her lap and opened the top.Inside was a tiny Penguins sweater with smaller numbers so that it reads 20/87 and the words BABY CROSBY written on the back.Trina squealed when she saw it, grabbing it out of the box and jumping up.

“Oh my god!”She was hugging Sid before he even had a chance to stand up, the sweater clutched tight in her hand.“Is this for sure?”

“Yep.”Cat said as Taylor jumped up to hug her.“July.”

“I can’t believe you kept it a secret all weekend.”Troy exclaimed.Sid stood up and walked over to his dad after his mom moved on to hug Jamie and Cat.

“We wanted to wait.Figured this was a fun way to tell you.”His father pulled him into a bear hug.

“I’m so happy!”Trina was crying.“I’m gonna be a grandmother!”

“Congrats, baby bro.”Taylor said as she hugged Jamie.Then she whispered in his ear, “And thanks for taking the pressure off me.Maybe she’ll ease up on the whole ‘T why don’t you have a boyfriend thing’ now.”

“I don’t see that happening,” Jamie laughed back.

Once Trina had managed to get herself composed again, they played the recording of the baby’s heartbeat for her, which brought fresh tears.All her concerns about this situation and Sidney’s actions left as she watched him sit with his arm around Jamie, beaming as they talked about their plans for turning the extra guest room into a nursery eventually.Jamie looked happy, really happy.Sidney looked happy.And Caitlyn, she smiled as Jamie held her hand.She looked happy, too.Maybe Trina’s concerns about Sidney and the situation had been unfounded.  Maybe it was just nerves because they were planning to tell them about the baby.  Maybe.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Oh Caitlyn, are you sure about this?” Hher mother questioned.

Cat sat in her parents’ home in Edmonton, the first time she’d been there in nearly three years. She flew out two days after Christmas.She needed to tell her parents about this, and, she needed to give the boys some time along with their family.She’d fly back after New Year’s Day, when the Crosbys would fly back to Canada.

She’s nervous.Very nervous.Although she’s talked to her mother and met with her away from the house, she hasn’t had anything to do with her father since her brother’s death.In fact, the only time she’d even been in the same room with him was at Jamie’s wedding of all things.Now, he sat next to her mother on the couch, staring at her intently.This was going to go much differently than when they’d told the other grandparents.

“Yes.And I’m already almost 13 weeks along.”

Her father huffed his disapproval.Cat didn’t doubt that it was because Jamie was involved.

“I know what you’re thinking,” she looked straight at her father, “but they will make great parents.”

“I don’t doubt that.” Luc said, which took her off-guard.“I’m worried about you.Your mother told me what happened before.How can you take this kind of risk?”

Cat glared at her mother, feeling betrayed.

“Caitlyn, I had to tell him.He’s your father.And we worry about you.”

“There’s no reason that what happened before is going to happen again.I’ve talked with my doctor.”

“You lost a baby.What if that happens again?Have you told them?”

“No.It’s not something they need to know.”Cat looks at her father, trying to gauge his feelings.

“What if it happens this time.If you gave them the heads-up that it could happen, at least they wouldn’t be surprised, it would help with any disappoint or grief if they could be prepared for the possibility.” He says.

“It’s not going to happen.It just feels different this time.”

Her parents exchange concerned looks, before either can say anything else, Cat continues.

“I didn’t come to argue about it.I’m doing this.What I came for is to make it clear that you know that this baby is Sidney’s and Jamie’s child.Not mine.”

“But, you’ll be the mother.”

“Yes.But what I’m saying is that if they don’t want you to be a part of his or her life, then you have to accept that.I brought papers, from my attorney.”She glares at her father.“I want you to sign away any right to custody as the grandparents.”

“Cat, what?You think we’d fight them for custody or visitation?”Her mother’s shocked and upset at the implication.

“I think Luc would.”Cat says bluntly.“Because he wouldn’t want two fags raising his grandchild.”

“I’m not the same person, Caitlyn.”

“No?Leopards don’t change their spots.”

“Your brother’s death changed me.”

“My brother?It’s been three years and you can’t say his name?”

“Kyle.Kyle’s death.”Luc says, the features of his face softening.“And you know Jamie and your mother talk often.He makes a point of seeing her when he’s in town.And he and I, well, it’s at least civil.I know he thinks I hate him.I just keep my distance because I don’t want to cause him more pain.”

Caitlyn looks at her father confused, uncertain of his sincerity.It’s a Luc St. Croix she doesn’t recognize.

“I think Jamie would be okay with your mother being around her grandchild, but we’ll sign the papers.I’d like you to believe me when I say I’m not the same.I understand why you can’t.I just hope that you let Jamie make this decision and don’t force the issue.I think you’ll be surprised by how he feels.He’s a very forgiving young man.Maybe you could take a lesson from his book.”

Luc stands and walks out of the room, leaving Cat to ponder his words and question her actions.


	12. Taking It To The Edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I see you’re wearing your I want fucked jock.”  Sid says, slipping his hands inside the waistband to grab Jamie’s ass instead of just gripping the exposed flesh from outside the material.  
> “Mmmm... that might not be the only thing.”  Jamie murmured against Sid’s neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I originally thought I'd bang out (pun intended) a quick 1,500 or so word chapter of "we have the house to ourselves sex"... but this happened instead and it took me a little longer than I planned to post this chapter...
> 
> I hope it was worth the wait.

The house was quiet.Which seemed strange to Sid.And nice. It seemed like forever since he and Jamie had had the house all to themselves for more than a couple of hours at a time.They’d enjoyed having Sid’s folks and Taylor there for Christmas and New Year, the Pens being on a four-game home stand meaning they got to spend all week with them.The Pens went 4-0 over the week, finishing up with a shut-out against the Rangers on New Year’s Eve.

Early the next morning Troy, Trina and Taylor left to go back to Cole Harbour.Cat had gone to see her parents and wouldn’t be home until the following day.They didn’t make plans to do anything, opting instead to just hang out at the house.

The house was quiet.That should have been Sidney’s first clue.

After they got back from taking the family to the airport, he’d gone to the kitchen to put the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher.Jamie had disappeared.Sid thought he’d just headed to the couch to go back to sleep.

Jamie wasn’t on the couch.That should have been Sidney’s second clue.

He didn’t think about it though, just figuring that maybe Jamie decided to go back to bed instead of crashing on the couch.He climbed the stairs and walked into the bedroom.Jamie was kneeling in the center of the bed, wearing only the same black and gold jockstrap he’d worn on their wedding night.

That clue Sid got.

Sid took in the sight of Jamie on the bed, waiting patiently for Sid to find him.Submissive.It stirred something deep inside Sid.They’d talked about it after Jamie mentioned it that night in Los Angeles.Sid had to admit that what Jamie said had a bit of truth to it, their relationship did have a lot of those elements to it.Even though they both initiated things equally, and both were comfortable either on top or bottom, there was a definite feeling that Sidney was more dominant and Jamie more submissive overall.Maybe it had to do with the age thing.Maybe it had been a captain and rookie thing.Maybe it was a lot of things.Whatever it was, Sid had been intrigued enough to want to explore it.At least as far as the sexual part of their relationship was concerned.

Sid stripped out of his shirt and jeans, leaving his boxer briefs on, he came over to stand next to the bed.Next to Jamie was a shoebox with a bow on it.

“For me?”Sid touched the shiny materials of the bow.

“I’ve been thinking, about all the things we talked about with this, and the videos and pictures you’ve been interested in, and well,” Jamie kept his gaze fixed on the bed.“We used to, I mean, we both liked...”

“What?”Sid cupped Jamie’s chin in his hand and lifted so Jamie had to look up at him.“What do you want to do?”

“We haven’t done it since, well, since Edmonton, since I...”

Sid let go of Jamie’s chin and opened the box.Inside was Jamie’s favorite toy, Sid’s black and gold vibrator, the one he’d found out had a rather storied history about which Sid’s friends took great pleasure in chirping them both.In addition, there were several long strips of cloth.Sid’s breath hitched when he saw them.

“Jame?”

“Could we try?”Jamie asked cautiously.“They aren’t ties, just some fabric strips, so I thought it might not be the same to me, so it might be okay.”

Sid picked up one of the pieces of fabric and stretched it out in his hands.It was black, soft and silky, at least three feet long.He rubbed the material between his fingers as he looked over at Jamie.

“Are you sure?”

Jamie nodded slowly.One of their favorite things to do was some light restraints.Nothing to wild, and always tied so that a strong tug would free the person.After Jamie’s suicide attempt in Edmonton, where he’d hung himself with his dad’s ties, they hadn’t done any type of fabric restraints again.It was almost two and a half years later and Jamie still didn’t wear a tie.

Sid put the cloth down and climbed up on the bed to kneel in front of Jamie.He cupped Jamie’s face in his hands and leaned in to kiss him softly.Jamie let his hands rest on Sid’s hips as he kissed him back.

“We can give it a try.But if you feel uncomfortable at all, you tell me and we stop.Okay?” Sid said when he leaned back.

“Okay.”

Sid leaned in to kiss Jamie again, letting his hands start to roam over Jamie’s body.He moves from kissing Jamie’s mouth to kissing his cheeks, his neck, along his shoulder.He runs his hands down Jamie’s back and stops at the waistband of the jockstrap.

“I see you’re wearing your I want fucked jock.”Sid says, slipping his hands inside the waistband to grab Jamie’s ass instead of just gripping the exposed flesh from outside the material.

“Mmmm... that might not be the only thing.”Jamie murmured against Sid’s neck.

Sid let the fingertips of one hand dip into the crease between Jamie’s ass cheeks.He smiled when his fingers hit the solid object.

“You do want fucked, huh, baby boy.”Sid bit against Jamie’s shoulder lightly, not enough to leave marks.Yet.“Roll over and show me.”

Jamie turned around and dropped his shoulders down to the bed, spreading his knees apart so that Sidney could settle between them.Jamie wiggled his ass back and forth in front of Sid, giving him a better view of the rounded piece of solid glass protruding from his hole.The crease of Jamie’s ass around it and down the sensitive underside of his balls looked slick, meaning Jamie’s used enough lube to seriously open himself up.Sid licked his lips and reached out to grab Jamie’s hips, making him stop moving.Jamie balanced on his shoulders and reached back with both hands to hold his cheeks, spreading them open for Sid.

Sid slid a hand down and ran his fingertips up and down between Jamie’s ass cheeks, teasing the skin above the plug.When his hand got close to the plug, he tapped the end.Hard.He watched Jamie flinch and then clench around the plug.Sid took the end and twisted it back and forth, grinding the other end slowly into Jamie.He laid his other hand on the small of Jamie’s back, giving just a little pressure so that Jamie arched his back.

“You like that?”

“Mmmm.”Jamie hummed into the bed cover.

Sid kept twisting the glass plug, pushing it in slightly, pulling it out slightly, enjoying the show as Jamie’s ass puckered and clenched around it.He dropped his other hand down, reached between Jamie’s legs and slipped his hand inside the material of the jock, wrapping his fingers around Jamie’s cock.Slowly he stroked up and down, tugging gently as he started working the plug in and out.The low sound that escaped Jamie’s lips sent a warmth through Sid.

“Um.Uh.Uh.” Jamie stuttered.“Uh.If you’re gonna tie me up, you probably need to stop doing that for a minute or I’m gonna...”

“You can hold off,” Sid said firmly.“No coming until I say.”

Jamie hissed between his teeth as Sid pulled down on his cock to emphasis the words.Fuck.This was the part Sid had figured out he wanted to try.Bringing Jamie to the edge over and over, not letting him come until Sid said he could.They hadn’t really tried it too much, just a couple of times on the road trip before Christmas.

“Sid, please.Can’t.”

“Try.All I’m asking is that you try.”He bent over and kissed Jamie’s lower back, then trailed kisses down until he could bite at the firm flesh of Jamie’s ass.“But, okay.You want to be like this?Or on your back?”

“What do you want?”

“Back.Flip over.”Sid smacked his ass.“Spread?Or above your head?”

“Spread.”Jamie said as he shifted onto his back, holding his arms straight out towards the edges of the bed.

Sid took a couple of the strips of fabric and lightly tied one end around Jamie’s wrists then secured the other end of the fabric to the handles of the nightstands.The fabric strips were longer than he’d thought and he realized Jamie had made sure the strips were long enough to reach.

“Blindfold?”Sid asked after he had Jamie’s arms secure.

“Up to you.”Jamie whispered.His breathing was off.Short, choppy breaths.Different from his aroused breathing of a few minutes ago.His eyes were clenched shut.

“Hey.Baby boy, is this okay?”Sid kneeled next to Jamie’s side, let his hand rest on Jamie’s chest, feeling the rapid rise and fall.

He brushed the hair back off Jamie’s forehead with his other hand, then let it rest against Jamie’s cheek, rubbing his thumb tenderly along his cheekbone.

“Hey.Look at me.”

Jamie slowly opened his eyes, blinking a few times as he looked up at Sid.

“Is this okay?”

Jamie nodded slowly, pushing his cheek against Sid’s palm.“Yeah... yes.I’m okay.”

Sid leaned down and brushed their lips together, waiting until Jamie lifted his head to chase after the kiss before he let it deepen.He kept his hand on Jamie’s chest, running it slowly up and down until he felt Jamie’s body relax under his touch.Once it did, he moved so he could trail kisses down Jamie’s neck to his chest.

He let his mouth cover a nipple.Licking.Sucking.Tugging at it with his teeth.All while one hand teased the other nipple and one hand brushed at the faint trial of hair just above the waistband of the jock. Jamie moaned, low and faint, as he arched his chest up, seeking more from Sid.

“Legs?”Sid asked against Jamie’s chest, licking down towards his naval.

“Mmmm... up to you.”Jamie spread his legs out, though.

“I think I want them free.Want to be able to roll you up when I finally fuck you.”

“Fuck.” Jamie sucked in a breath.“Yeah... yeah... please.”

Sid sat back on his heels and reached for the box.He took out another strip of fabric and loosely blindfolded Jamie.Then he reached for the black and gold vibrator and shifted so that he was back between Jamie’s spread legs.He rubbed his hands over Jamie’s stomach then down his thighs, enjoying the way the smooth, warm skin twitched under his touch, the way Jamie’s breath hitched whenever he ghosted over his cock.When Jamie arched his hips up slightly, Sid let a hand land on his cock, rubbing the hard shaft through the material.

“Please.”Jamie groaned.

Sid leaned over so he could mouth at Jamie’s cock.Sucking and blowing at it until the jock was wet from his saliva, and Jamie’s precome.A low humming sound filtered up when he flipped the switch for the vibrator. Jamie squirmed under him in anticipation, not knowing where Sid would touch him with it first.

Sid let the tip touch the end of the glass plug, causing it to quiver in Jamie’s ass.The loud mewl it elicited went straight to his own cock, which had been straining at the material of his boxer briefs almost from the beginning.He held it there, vibrating against the glass as he kept sucking at Jamie’s hard shaft through the jock.

“Sid.Fuck.Sid.Please.Gonna..”

Sid pulled his mouth and the vibrator away and waited without saying anything, watching Jamie tense.But he didn’t come.He took several deep breaths and held himself completely still.When Sid thought Jamie had fought down the need, he sat the vibrator down on the bed and reached up with both hands to tug at the waistband of the jockstrap.

“Lift.” He commanded.

Jamie picked up his hips then lifted his legs up so Sid could pull the jock off.He let his legs fall back down on either side of Sid, again.

“Keep your knees up with your feet on the bed.”Sid tapped under Jamie’s thighs until he had him how he wanted him.“That’s good.”

Sid kissed Jamie’s right knee, then slowly kissed his way down Jamie’s thigh.He picked up the vibrator and turned it back on.Jamie started bouncing his other leg at the soft humming noise.

“You need to be still.Isn’t that part of this?”

Jamie stilled.Waiting.

The tip of the vibrator touched the glass plug again, sending vibrations up Jamie’s spine as well as his ass.Sid wrapped his other hand around Jamie’s cock again and held it as he brought his mouth down.Instead of taking Jamie in his mouth, though, Sid flicked his tongue back and forth over the slit and along the underside of the head.He let the vibrator slip off the end of the plug so that it was against the underside of Jamie’s balls.

“Oh, fuck.Fuck.” Jamie gritted his teeth, trying to hold still.

Sid let his mouth open and sank down around Jamie, letting all of him fill his mouth.He pressed his lips around the based and sucked.Jamie moaned lowly.Sid pressed his tongue only the underside.The whole time he kept the vibrator against Jamie’s balls.It didn’t take long for Jamie’s hips to jerk under him as Jamie struggled not to thrust up into Sid’s mouth.

Sid let his mouth slowly drag up and off Jamie’s cock.He sat back on his heels again, putting the vibrator down.Jamie felt the mattress dip and rise as Sid climbed off.

“Where are you going?”He lifted his head, trying to shake off the blindfold.

“Just need to grab something.Lie back and relax a minute.”Sid ordered.

Jamie heard him rooting around for something, it sounded as if he was in the bathroom.A couple of minutes later the bed dipped again as Sid climbed back between Jamie’s legs.Jamie heard the snap of the bottle cap just before he felt the cold gel hit the tip of his cock.Some of the lube ran down the underside, cold against the flushed skin.Jamie’s cock quivered at the sensation.

Sid took Jamie’s cock in his hand again, slowly stroking the entire length, spreading the lube.He picked up the vibrator with his other hand and put it against the glass plug again as he kept working Jamie’s cock.

“Jesus.”Jamie swore.“Fuck.”

Sid kept changing up how he stimulated Jamie, working him with one hand, stroking with alternating hands grasping him at the base and tugging up, changing the speed of his strokes, focusing just on the head and the tip, placing the vibrator in different positions against the shaft or along the underside of the head.He watched Jamie’s cock swell, flushed dark.

Sid twisted the glass plug, tapped at it, pulled it in and out as he manipulated Jamie’s cock.At times, he’d focus just on that and not even touch Jamie’s cock, watching as it jumped every time he hit the right spot inside Jamie.He took in every twitch, every strain, every breath.When he’d get Jamie panting, pleading, he’d back off or stop touching him altogether.

Over and over, Sid pushed Jamie to the edge, watching as he’d bite his lip, or clench his hands to keep himself from coming until Sid told him he could.Soft sounds escaped Jamie’s lips, alternating from mewls to pleading to swearing at Sid.His face and chest were flushed red and a sheen of sweat made his body glisten.Sid reached down to give his own cock a stroke now and again, to ease his own building pressure.

He lost track of how many times he’d brought Jamie close to release, how many times he’d denied him that release.He was lost in his enjoyment of Jamie’s body.When Jamie said it under his breath the first time, his body tensing, Sid didn’t hear it because it was said so softly and he was so focused on his own actions.Then Jamie said it again.

“Stop.”

Jamie tried to pull his hips away from Sid.Up to that point, he’d been trying to arch up, to fuck into Sid’s hand.Sid froze when he felt the distinct change in Jamie’s body movements.He looked up.

Tear tracks that hadn’t been there before stained Jamie’s cheeks, running out from beneath the blindfold.Jamie’s breath was hitching.The pleading changed from begging for release to begging Sid to stop.

“Please.Sid, stop.Stop.”Jamie whimpered.

Sid stopped and shifted up so he was over Jamie, propped up on one arm.His free hand tugged the blindfold up and off, instinctively not letting it go down around Jamie’s neck.Jamie’s eyes were clenched shut, his long lashes matted from the tears.Sid laid his hand on Jamie’s cheek, letting his thumb rub over the cheekbone again, soothingly.

“Hey.Look at me.Baby boy.Come on.”

Jamie’s eyelids fluttered until he could force them open.He looked up into Sid’s face, his eyes not focusing on anything, the pupils blown wide, only a sliver of green visible around the edge.Wherever he was, he wasn’t with Sid at the moment.

“Jame, I’m right here.I gotcha.” Sid repeated a few times, until Jamie’s breathing steadied and his eyes finally focused on Sid’s face.“Hey there.What happened?”

“I, uh, I...”Jamie stuttered.“It was... I...”

“Pull your arms in, tug yourself free.”Sid said and Jamie was aware enough to follow his directions.

Sid let himself drop to the bed next to Jamie, his chest up against Jamie’s side, his head on the pillow next to Jamie’s head.He kept his hand on Jamie’s cheek, his thumb still gently rubbing little circles along Jamie’s cheek bone.

“I’m sorry.” Sid whispered, kissing Jamie’s other cheek.“That was too much.I wasn’t paying attention.”

“’S okay.” Jamie said softly, sounding more apologetic in that brief answer than Sid did.

It was a few minutes before Sid felt Jamie was ready to talk about it.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know.”Jamie answered.“I just.I was enjoying it.I was.Then it was like, I don’t know.All of the sudden it was like I was falling into this dark hole, just nothing.I could see you and hear you, but you kept getting farther and farther away.And it was like.I don’t know.I can’t explain it.”

Sid waited.

“It was like it all just became too much.”

“I’m sorry.We should have taken this slower.I got,” Sid paused.“I got too wrapped up in watching you, I didn’t think.”

“That’s okay.”

Jamie turned his face towards Sid.What Sid saw in his eyes now made his heart ache.Fear.Not fear of him, Sid thought, but fear that he’d somehow disappointed Sid.

They’d talked about the whole Dom/sub thing.Both had read about it.Talked about how they wanted to do things, what they wanted to try.Sid understood that his role as the dominant one was to take care of Jamie.And he’d failed.

“Did you like it?” Jamie asked cautiously.“Was it what you wanted?”

“Well, obviously.I could spend every minute just having my way with you.”That made Jamie smile.“You know that.But, that’s not what matters.What matters is, did you like it?I mean, before it got to be too much.”

Jamie turns his head again, staring straight up at the ceiling.He closed his eyes, thinking.

“It was intense.” He finally says.

“Okay.”

He opened his eyes and looked at Sid again.

“The other couple of times, we never went very long before you let me come.Only three, maybe four times of nearly getting there.This was, well, it was just a lot.I guess we should have talked about a limit or something, huh.And, well, it was, I don’t know, I keep coming back to intense.”

“Yeah.We should have talked it out a little more, huh.I mean.We talked about the things we wanted to try, I guess, but not the details of anything.That’s on me, not you.”Sid watched Jamie’s eyes soften at that.

“I think it’s just, well, I like it when you get me to come multiple times.And you’ve, we’ve taken that pretty far.”Sid smirks at him.“Yeah.I like that, I know.But it’s a whole different type of over stimulation.I mean, I get that release, then everything gets intense again and then a release and then...”

“I get it.”

“Okay, well this.Fuck, it’s just like this continuous intensity.Even when you’d let up when I got close, or even stop for a minute, it was like the stimulation, the pressure.The intensity.It never got any less.Does that make sense?”

“I guess so.”

“I’m sorry.” Jamie sighed.

“Don’t be.It was good.You were so good.All I asked was that you try and you did.We don’t have to do this again.”

“No.We can keep trying.I just think maybe work up to this, uh, this many times, slowly.Instead of just jumping in all the way.”Jamie leaned over and kissed Sid.“I liked it okay.”

“Okay.”Sid gave him a kiss back.“What about being tied?Was that a problem?”

“Not after that first little bit.”Jamie said.“I think I was too focused on trying not to come to think about them.”

Sid chuckled.

“So, you really liked it?”Jamie questioned again.

Sid wasn’t sure how to read Jamie’s doubt, it wasn’t like him.From their very first time together, Jamie had exuded a sexual confidence.He had never had any problems saying what he liked or didn’t like, and as far as Sid had ever seen, there was very little Jamie didn’t like or wouldn’t try at least once.

“Yes.I liked it.” Sid tried to think back to what he’d read.Jamie was the one who’d first mentioned the dominant and submissive elements of their relationship and Jamie was basing that on things he’d read, well, mostly those stories he read.Sid thought.Then it hit him.

“You were so good for me.”He said, leaning over to kiss Jamie’s cheek.

Jamie’s eyes lit up and a blush spread across his cheeks.Sid smiled at him and Jamie dropped his eyes down, avoiding Sid’s gaze.Bingo.

“So.What do you want to do now?You want to just stop, or,” he leaned in close, so he could whisper in Jamie’s ear.“you still want to get fucked?”

Sid pulled back and Jamie brought his eyes up to look at him.

“You have to ask?” Jamie said, waggling his eyebrows.“But no more edging, not right now anyway.Okay?”

“Not right now.”Sid repeated.

Sid pushed himself up and shifted so he was kneeling between Jamie’s legs again.He bent down and licked at the head of Jamie’s now flaccid cock.It didn’t take long for him to have Jamie hard again.Once he did, he sat back up.He reached down and slowly pulled the glass plug out, dropping it down on the bed next to Jamie.

Sid slipped his arms under Jamie’s thighs, pushing Jamie’s legs towards his chest and rolling his ass up off the bed slightly.He shifted forward so he could line the head of his cock up with Jamie’s opening.He rolled his hips forward and pushed into Jamie.

“Ah.Ah. Fuck.” Jamie moaned.

“Okay?”

“Yeah.Just.Yeah.”Jamie reached down and ran his hands over Sid’s arms.

Sid started a steady rhythm of thrusts into Jamie, who reached down between their bodies to stroke his cock.There was no delaying of orgasms this time as they both came within just a few strokes.Once they were both spent, Sid pulled out slowly, watching as Jamie winced a little.

“Jame?”

“I’m okay.”

“You want me to go get something to clean you up?”Sid started to climb off the bed.

“No.Don’t.We can just wash the bedding later.”Jamie protested.“Come lie down with me.Take a nap.”

Jamie managed to push himself up enough to get under the sheets and comforter.He collapsed down on his stomach, one leg hitched up.Sid laid down so he was partially on top of Jamie, his chest to Jamie’s back and mimicking Jamie’s position so that his thigh was across the top of Jamie’s ass.Jamie sighed contentedly as the feeling of Sid’s weight pressing him down.

Sid kissed the back of Jamie’s neck and nuzzled against it.He was sure that Jamie was tired after the edging session and also, they’d been up early to take his parents and Taylor to the airport.

“Okay?”

“Mmmmm.” Jamie hummed.“Stop asking me that.”

“I love you, baby boy.”

“I love you.”Jamie answered.“When we wake up, after we get some food, we can do that again if you’d like.”

“You sure you’d be up to it?”

Jamie tried to turn to look at Sid.“Duh?You have to ask?Sex, Sid.Sex is good.”

Sid grinned.That was more like his boy.


	13. At Odds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As near as Jamie could pin-point it, something had happened on the ride home from the airport after Sid had picked up Cat.  Jamie had stayed home to finish packing, because he had procrastinated until the last minute, of course.  And Sid had offered to go.  Things between the two had been better since Cat got pregnant, especially after everything went well with telling their family the news.  Jamie thought maybe Trina had had a chat with her son about his attitude, but he couldn’t be sure.  Sid wasn’t talking about it if they did, and he wasn’t talking about whatever had happened yesterday either.  Not on the flight, or in the hotel room last night.

****

The game hadn’t been going well; they were down 4-1 with just over ten minutes to go in the third.Ottawa was pushing them, though, using their 1-3-1 to clog up the center of the ice.In the last four minutes, the Pens forwards had turned the puck over at least a half-dozen times without being able to bring it into the Sens zone once.It was getting pretty frustrating.

Jamie sat down next to Sid as they came off the ice.He could tell Sid wasn’t happy.

“You need to just carry the fucking puck into the offensive zone.”Sid yelled around him at Kris and Brian.“We need to stop trying to force a pass through the center.”

“We not the only ones missing passes.”Kris retorted.“And I don’t need you to tell me how to play.Captain.”

“I’m just saying.”Sid started, but stopped when Kris glared back at him.

“You need to start chipping it deep if you can.”Sid turned his attention to Jamie.“You should be chipping and chasing.You’ve got more speed than they do.”

Jamie hung his head, simply nodding in agreement.He’d learned long ago not to argue or question when Sid was in captain mode.

“Did you hear me?Jamie?Fucking need to get your ass in gear.”

“I fucking heard you.I nodded yes.”

About then, he felt Sullivan’s hand on his shoulder.He didn’t even need to turn to look to know it was his head coach.Sully leaned down then and talked in his ear.

“Let him talk.He’s frustrated.You’re doing fine.But, still, let’s try picking the puck up from the D earlier.You carry it in or if you do chip, get some elevation on it.”

Jamie smiled and nodded, “Got it.”

Jamie tried not to think about Sid’s mood to much, but he knew something was bothering him besides the way they were playing at the moment.It wasn’t like Sid to let his off-ice life to affect his play.Jamie noticed it when Sid had been moody on the flight, to the point that Jamie moved to one of the empty seats near the coaches.

As near as Jamie could pin-point it, something had happened on the ride home from the airport after Sid had picked up Cat.Jamie had stayed home to finish packing, because he had procrastinated until the last minute, of course.And Sid had offered to go.Things between the two had been better since Cat got pregnant, especially after everything went well with telling their family the news.Jamie thought maybe Trina had had a chat with her son about his attitude, but he couldn’t be sure.Sid wasn’t talking about it if they did, and he wasn’t talking about whatever had happened yesterday either.Not on the flight, or in the hotel room last night.

Jamie shook the thoughts away a few seconds later, as he, Sid and Horny went over the boards for their next shift. Ten seconds later, Sid was giving Jamie an earful for having turned the puck over at the Pens’ blue line which led to a Senators’ goal.

“What the fuck was that?Jesus, what did I say to you?”

Jamie shrugged and skated to take his spot at center ice for the ensuing face-off.Horny pulled Sid aside and said something, and Sid seemed to recoil for a second.At the end of that shift, Horny put himself between Sid and Jamie on the bench.He yelled encouragement to everyone, while Sid sat there brooding.They were getting ready to hit the ice again when Sully clamped down on Jamie’s shoulder.

“Shearsy.You’re up with Sid and Horny.”

Sullivan leaned down.“You go out with Geno.Let’s try switching things up.”

Jamie heaved a sigh.Fuck it.

He watched the Senators’ cut off another pass, but this time they dropped back to their own zone to set up a rush.They moved the puck into the Pens’ zone with ease, passing back and forth and cycling in front of the net looking for an opening.After over 30 seconds of puck control in the Pens’ zone, Erik Karlsson finally teed up for a one-timer.Jamie watched Sid drop down to block it.His right knee on the ice, his left leg extended.

The puck hit Sid right at the top of his skate boot, right where he had no padding on the inside of his left ankle.Sid’s leg buckled under him and he went down completely.He tried to get up, but his left leg wouldn’t support him, pain shooting through his foot and up his leg.He struggled up, keeping his leg up as best he could.Play continued for another minute until Olli managed to clear the puck.Sid dropped to the ice, again and shook off his gloves, signaling that he needed help.The officials blew the whistle.

Jamie went over the boards and let Chris Stewart grab him so Jamie could help him across the ice to where Sidney was on the far side of the goal.Olli and Justin were bent over him.They backed up as Jamie got there with Stewart.

“How bad?”

“Fucking bad.I can’t put any weight on it.”Sid grimaced in pain.

“Okay, let’s get him up.”Stewart said.

Jamie took one side and Olli the other as they got Sid to his feet.They all made their way to the bench, where the two players handed Sid off to the trainers.Sid hobbled his way down the runway to the locker room. Jamie looked up at the clock, 3:37.He looked down the bench at Sullivan.

“Up to you.”Sully mouthed.

Jamie turned and skated down in front of the bench.

“Okay.Jim-bob, Horny and Geno on the ice.”Sullivan shouted.Jamie skated out to take his spot at the face-off circle.

\-----------------------------------------------

That night, Jamie and the rest of the Pens flew out for Detroit.Sid stayed in Ottawa.The next day, he’d fly back to Pittsburgh.The prognosis, six to eight weeks with a fracture.

He and Jamie had sat and talked in one of the training rooms before Jamie had to catch the bus.Something still seemed to be bothering Sid, but he told Jamie not to worry about it.Sid and Cat would get along fine until Jamie got home.The Pens still had three games left on this road trip, going to Detroit, then Chicago and Dallas, before returning to Pittsburgh.Sid was more concerned about Jamie being alone on the road.

“I’ll be fine, Sid.”Jamie said again.“I’m not the way I was two years ago, or even last year.I think I can handle a few nights on the road without you.”

“Get them to room you with Dumo, or Tanger.”Sid told him.

“I don’t need to do that.I’ll be fine.”Jamie retorted, then added for emphasis.“Stop mother-henning me already.”

“Okay.”Sid smiled, letting his hand come out and touch Jamie’s cheek, his voice softening.“Can’t help it, baby boy.”

“I’ll call when we get to the hotel.If you think you’ll be up.”Jamie leaned into Sid’s touch.

“Nah, I don’t think I will.Pain meds are really starting to kick in.Think I’ll be out as soon as my head hits the pillow.”

“I’ll text Cat and let her know what’s going on.She can pick you up out at Cranberry after you see the docs.”Jamie said, watching for Sid’s reaction.

“That’s fine.Tell her I’ll call when I’m ready.”

Jamie leaned in and kissed Sid.They stayed that way, kissing softly, neither wanting to let the other break away, until Kris knocked on the door and told Jamie it was time to go.

“You’re worried, no?”Kris said as they walked to the bus.“He’ll be okay.”

“I know.It’s just.”Jamie kept turning to look back.

“What?”

“He and Cat alone in the house for a week.”

“Oh.”Kris says, then he looks at Jamie’s face, reading the worry.“Not good?I thought things were better there.”

“No.Not good.”Jamie stopped just before the bus, standing and looking back.“Something happened yesterday.I think it’s why he was being a shithead tonight, but he won’t say what happened.I don’t want to ask Cat.”He ran his hand through his hair.“I don’t know, Tanger.”

“Okay.Come on.” Kris put his arm around Jamie’s shoulders and guided him to the door of the bus.“I know you said you were okay by yourself, but you sit with me on the plane and stay with me.We talk about Captain Shithead, eh.”

Jamie chuckled.“I’m telling him you called him that.”

“Yeah. Yeah.I’ve called him worse.”Kris laughed, too.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

“So, do we finish our conversation from the other day?”Cat brought Sid a bottle of Gatorade and some of his pain medication.“Or do we just forget about it and move on?”

Sid was fixing a couple of pillows under his leg so he could prop it up while he sat on the couch.He didn’t respond to her questions until she handed him the pills and the open bottle.Once he’d taken the pill, she handed him the lid for the Gatorade bottle, which he capped and sat on the coffee table.Cat sat down in a chair.

She stared at him when he still didn’t say anything.

“Sidney?”

“I don’t understand.” He finally huffed.“I don’t understand how you can hurt him.”

“I did this so he wouldn’t get hurt.So Luc can’t be an asshole and make trouble for you two.”She leans forward.“You know he’ll do it.He hasn’t changed, no matter what he says.”

“Look, I’m the last person that would want to defend Luc St. Croix, but he’s been okay since Jamie’s incident.And your mom has been great for Jamie.I don’t see him, them, causing any problems.And I think Jamie wants them to be a part of the baby’s life.It’s another reason he wanted to have this baby with you.”

“I’m sorry, Sid, but I watched what he did to Kyle, what he ended up doing to those boys.”

“So, you aren’t going to stick around after the baby’s born, that’s what this ultimately means.So you’re going to hurt him instead of your father?Yeah, that’s so much fucking better.”

“I haven’t said I’m not going to stay.”

“Well, the only way your parents would ever need to sue for custody or visitation would be if you weren’t in the picture, right?If you gave up your parental rights.”Sid said accusingly, a bitterness to his voice.“Which means to me that you have no intention of staying, of being a part of this baby’s future despite what you told Jamie.”

Cat sat back in the chair and took a deep breath.She let her hands rest on her stomach, over the slight bulge that had started to show.

Sid’s tone changed instantaneously.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, concerned now.

“Nothing.I just...”

“I’m sorry.I shouldn’t upset you, I should just keep my opinions to myself.”Sid leaned back against the couch, tipping his head back into the cushion and closing his eyes.He took a deep breath then lifted his head and looked over at Cat again.“I’ll just have to be here to keep him from falling apart again when you break his heart.”

“Okay.I’m going to tell you something, but you absolutely can’t tell Jay.Not unless something happens.”

“Unless something happens?Like what?Like you leave?”

“Promise me.You won’t say anything to him.”

Cat's expression was grim, here mouth drawn into a tight line, her eyes fixed on him.  It bothered Sid, filled him with apprehension.

“Okay.I promise."  He said, calmly.  "Now what are you talking about?”


	14. I'm Steppin' Into the Twilight Zone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie looked back and forth between the two of them several times.  They laughed about something Sid said in response to Cat’s comment, but Jamie didn’t catch it.  He was still trying to wrap his mind around what he’d seen, not sure that he hadn’t entered the twilight zone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all mistakes are mine, so if you see something - please let me know...
> 
> come chat on Tumblr - PensToTheEnd there too...
> 
> thanks for the kudos and comments - love to hear what you are thinking or if you want to know what I'm thinking about something in the story...

Jamie:  _How goes everything?_

Cat:  _Great!_

Jamie:  _Is he being okay?  Cause when he’s hurt he can be a bit hard to be around._

Cat:  _Nope.  All good.  Misses you I think._

Jamie:  _Be home late tomorrow night.  Don’t need to wait up for me._

Cat:  _Go get ‘em!  Three in a row would be nice!_

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

Sid:  _All good.  I swear.  How are you doing?_

Jamie:  _Okay.  Miss you.  Bed too big without you there._

Sid:  _Go room with Dumo.  Or Tanger.  You have my persmission._

Jamie:  _A)  I don’t need your permission to go room with them.  B)  I’m okay by myself._

Sid:  _Whatever._

Jamie:  _Having dinner with Bennie and Segs.  Can call before bed._

Sid:  _Okay.  Have fun.  Behave._

Jamie:  _Always._

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

January in Texas was warmer then January in Pittsburgh, but not by much.  Dallas got cold, and snow, and ice in winter.  That didn’t seem to bother Jamie Benn as he stood outside grilling steaks, fish, and shrimp for dinner.  He waved through the French doors at Tyler and Jamie who were working on the other dinner fixings.  Well, Tyler was cooking, Jamie was sitting watching.  He waved back at the other Jamie, laughing.

“I can’t believe you can make risotto.” Jamie said, turning his attention back to Tyler.

“I am a man of many talents.”  Tyler winked at him.

“I have no doubt about that.”  Jamie absent-mindedly scrunched the hair around Cash’s neck.  Tyler’s dogs had decided he was okay, Marshall passed out at his feet, Cash sitting as close as he could get, his head on Jamie’s lap.  “The boys are great.  I wasn’t sure they’d remember me.”

“They’re pretty smart that way.  Like their dad.  Isn’t that right boys.  Yes it is.  You are such smart boys.”  Tyler replied, talking to the dogs in a sing-song voice.  Jamie just rolled his eyes at him.

“So how go things with you and Sid?  Truth.  Everything okay?”

“All good.  Married life is great, Segs.  You should try it.”

Tyler looked out at his Jamie, his expression one of longing. 

“Someday.” He said forlornly.

“Doesn’t sound good.  Things okay between you two?”  Jamie asked.  Tyler was deep in his own thoughts.  “Segs?”

“Huh?”  Tyler said, shaking his head as if clearing away his thoughts.  “No, yeah.  Everything’s fine.  So,” he changes the subject, “hear you and Sid are trying for a family?”

“Yep.”  Jamie dipped his head, “so, you’ll be among the first to know.  We’re expecting in July.”

“No shit?  Fuck, that’s great!  Congrats, man.”  Tyler exclaimed.  “That’s awesome news.”

There was a thunk against the glass door.  They both startled, turning to see Bennie’s face pushed up against the glass.  He pulled back and blew hard on the glass, causing it to fog in a small patch, where he then drew a question mark.

“Five minutes.”  Tyler said loudly, holding up a hand with his fingers spread.  Bennie nodded, gave a thumb’s up, and went back to the grill to start pulling the meat off.

Tyler turned back to the rice dish, and Jamie couldn’t help but thinking that he looked sad, despite what he said about everything being okay.

“Segs?  You want to talk about it?”  Jamie offered.  “Whatever the ‘nothing’ is?”

Tyler sighed heavily.  “It’s been almost three years since you and Sid came out.”

“Yeah.”

“How are things?  I mean, with the league, fans, you know.”

“Okay.  There are still the occasional assholes, but for the most part it’s not bad.  It took a while, but the constant scrutiny has let up, well, as much as it ever does where Sid’s concerned.  We can go out around Pittsburgh without getting too much attention.  Why?”

“I want to go public.  Jame, he’s not sure.  Texas isn’t Pittsburgh, ya know.  He’s worried about how it’ll go over.”

“Your families know, right?  And they’re okay with it.  What about the team?”

“Some of the guys know, and yeah, both are families are really okay with it.  But, it’s just, the fans and stuff.”

“You think you’d have the Stars’ support?”

“I think so.  There’s been talk this year, though.  Trade talk.”  Tyler gives Jamie the familiar, oh fuck, look that players get when the trade rumors start.  Tyler’s also been through a trade from a team he thought he’d play with forever, so the rumors might be bothering him more. 

“You or him?”

“Him.”  Tyler says, softly.

Bennie comes in with the food then, and Tyler gives Jamie a look that Jamie knows means to just drop the subject. 

“So who’s hungry?” Bennie says enthusiastically.

They sit and eat.  The talk during dinner centers on the pending arrival of Baby Crosby and Tyler’s dogs, and not about trades or coming out.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

The Pens beat the Stars the next night, 5 to 3.  Jamie gets his third career hat trick.  They fly back to Pittsburgh after the game, with the promise of a day off and some much needed rest.  After losing to Ottawa, they’d finished out the road trip with three straight wins.  The hat trick had moved Jamie into third place in the scoring race behind McDavid and Sid.  With Sid being injured, that would change quickly. 

Jamie tried to relax on the flight, but his mind wouldn’t quiet down.  Despite what he’d been told by both of them, Jamie fully expected to walk into a world of shit when he got home.  He had convinced himself that there was no way the Cat and Sid would be able to be in the house together, without him there to keep the peace.  Kris tried talking to him, telling him that Sid said that everything was going well.  Brian tried talking to him.  It didn’t help ease his concerns.

He worried and fretted the whole drive home from the airport, working himself up to the point of feeling sick to his stomach.  The house was dark, but when he walked in he could hear voices from the living room. 

“Oh my god, your hands.  That feels so good.”  That was Cat.  “Where’d you learn to do this so well?”

“Nowhere.  It’s just a Sidney Fucking Crosby thing.”  Sid replied with a giggle.  “I’m just naturally great at everything.”

“Yes.  Yes, you are!”  Cat moaned.  Jamie froze at that.  She moaned. 

He cautiously stepped into the living room, afraid of what he’d be interrupting.

Sid was sitting on one end of the couch.  His broken leg in a cast, propped up on a pillow on the coffee table.  Cat was sitting at the other end, both legs stretched out across the center cushions, her feet in Sid’s lap.  And, he was giving her a foot massage.

Sid looked up, “Hey, you’re home!”

“Hey, Jay!”  Cat added.

Jamie couldn’t take his eyes off them, a dumb-struck look on his face, eyes fixed, mouth gaped open.

“You gonna come give me a kiss?  Cause I’m not getting up.”  Sid kidded him.

It took a few seconds before Jamie could make his body move.  He strode over to the couch slowly and bent down to give Sid a kiss.

“Mmmmmm,” Sid hummed.  “Missed you.”

“Missed you, too.”  Jamie echoed.  He was still in shock over what he’d walked in on.  This may have been more of a shock than if he’d walked in on them fucking.  They were getting along.  Laughing.  Smiling.  And, he was rubbing her feet.

Jamie straightened and walked over to lean down and give Cat a peck on the cheek.  She sat up and pulled her legs back.

“Sit.  Want to hear all about the hat trick.  Way to go, Jay!” 

“Um.  Okay.”

“First, though, you hungry?  There’s some left overs in the fridge.”  Sid interjected.

“No.  I’m okay.”  Jamie sat down.  He waved his hand back and forth between them.  “Um.  What?”

“Oh,” Cat grinned.  “Pregnant woman with swollen ankles and feet.”

“Uh huh.”  He gave Sid a quizzical look.

“Foot massages help.  And, she’s been waiting on me hand and foot, so I thought she deserved a little pampering.”

“Uh huh.”  Jamie said, again.  “How’s the leg?”

“Good.  Cat’s been working with me to keep up my strength.  Working on exercises with me.  Helping me with my balance so I can take some shots in the basement.”

Jamie stared at Sid, his mouth gaped open again.  “Uh huh.  Okay.  Is that something you should be doing?”

“I’m a licensed PT, Jay.  I think I know what I’m doing.”  Cat smacked his leg.  “I’m not going to do something to hurt him.”

Jamie looked back and forth between the two of them several times.  They laughed about something Sid said in response to Cat’s comment, but Jamie didn’t catch it.  He was still trying to wrap his mind around what he’d seen, not sure that he hadn’t entered the twilight zone.

“So anyway, tell us about the trip.  Hat trick, pretty impressive.  How many is that now?”  Cat turns again and lays her legs across Jamie’s lap.  Sid starts rubbing her feet again.  Jamie stares at him, his brow furrowed, his bottom lip between his teeth, a look of complete confusion.

“Uh huh.” Jamie says, yet again.  “It was, uh, number three.  Um.  I, uh.  I’m pretty tired.  I, uh, I think I’m just gonna go to bed.”

“Okay.  You can tell us tomorrow.”  Sid says.  “We’re going to take you to Primanti’s to celebrate.  After Cat’s doctor appointment.”

“You have an appointment?  Is something wrong?  You didn’t have to go back for another couple of weeks.” 

“Nothing’s wrong.  You’re gonna be out of town when I should be going.  You’ve got another long road trip and then the All-Star game.  We’re gonna try and schedule appointments around your schedule, which means they may be closer together than normal.  It’s that or farther apart.  So, Dr. Wexler said she’d see me more often if needed.”  Cat sounded like it was all routine.

“Okay.”  Jamie turned to Sid.  “Where are you sleeping?”

“I can manage to get up the stairs to our room.  I’ll be up in a bit, okay, you go on up.”

Jamie pushed Cat’s legs so she moved them.  He stood up and gave them both a quick kiss again.  He paused for a few seconds to watch as Cat put her feet back up and Sid started rubbing them again.  He shook his head in amazement as he walked away.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

“What’s going on?”  Jamie asked Sid a short time later. 

They were in bed, Sid on his back, Jamie pressed up against his side.  Jamie’s head rested on Sid’s shoulder while Sid rubbed his hand up and down Jamie’s back.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I expected.  I mean.  You and Cat.”

“I told you things were okay.”

“What happened?  I mean.  You.  You’re being nice.”  He lifted his head and looked up at Sid.  “A foot rub?”

“Let’s just say that we talked, okay, and let it go at that.  I think Caitlyn and I have a better, understanding of each other, shall we say.” 

“I’m fucking confused.”  Jamie laid his head back down. 

“I’d think you’d be happy about it, that we got along okay without you.”

“I am, don’t get me wrong.  I’m just. Confused.”  Jamie traced a finger up and down Sid’s chest.  “Want to tell me what you talked about?  What brought about this transformation in you?”

“Jesus, Jame.  You act like I was an asshole to her.”

“You were.”

“I wasn’t.  And no, what Caitlyn and I talked about is between us.  Let’s just say we came to an agreement about things.  About what we want for you, actually.  And it turns out we think alike.  Imagine that.”

“You’re not going to tell me anything, are you.”

“Nope.  Cause it’s not important.”  Sid kissed the top of Jamie’s head.  “We need to get some sleep.  Cat’s appointment is at 9 so we have to get up early.”

Jamie pushed away from Sid, propping himself up.  “Why does she really have an appointment?  Is something wrong?  They said she didn’t need to come back for a month?”

“Nothing’s wrong.  It was when they could get us in while you were home.  It’s what she said, gonna try and schedule appointments around our schedule, well, your schedule since I’m stuck here for a while.  That means that they might be closer together than planned.  Everything’s fine with Cat and the baby.  Relax.” 

Jamie purses his lips, pondering Sid’s explanation.  “Okay.” He finally says and nestles back down against Sid. 

Well, that lie was easy enough.


	15. Past and Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie snuffled and burrowed his head deeper into the pillow on Sid’s lap, but didn't wake up.  He laid the back of his hand on Jamie’s forehead.  Warm.  Probably running a slight fever.  He pulled the soft, plush blanket up over Jamie’s shoulder, smiling down at him, content in this moment of quiet closeness. 

Sid reached down and brushed a stray curl back off Jamie’s forehead, it was getting long, playoff long.  He knew Jamie would probably get it cut soon; it was longer than he liked it.  But Sid hoped not.  He liked being able to run his fingers through it, twirl the loose curls around a finger, tug on a handful of hair during sex.  All good things, he thought.  He gave it a light tug now.

Jamie snuffled and burrowed his head deeper into the pillow on Sid’s lap, but didn't wake up.  He laid the back of his hand on Jamie’s forehead.  Warm.  Probably running a slight fever.He pulled the soft, plush blanket up over Jamie’s shoulder, smiling down at him, content in this moment of quiet closeness.

Sid knew Jamie didn’t feel well when he didn’t go for a run that morning.He’d thought maybe Jamie was just tired the day before, but now it was more likely the start of whatever bug he’d picked up.They’d gotten very little sleep, then had an early doctor appointment for Cat.Jamie had been more talkative at lunch as he’d happily described his hat trick for Sid, Cat and everyone there, getting more animated with each goal.

They’d come home and taken a nap.Jamie woke up to eat a little bit of dinner, but was in bed early.

Then he skipped his run.

Jamie called Sully.It was an easy decision for the coach to give him a maintenance day.He’d stretched out on the couch with Sid and slept the morning away.That’s where Cat found them when she got back from the grocery store.

“Hey, I’m fixing lunch,” she said, walking into the living room.

Sid held a finger up to his lips, making a shushing noise.

“Sorry,” Cat whispered.She walked over and checked Jamie’s forehead, just as Sid had done.“He’s warm.”

“Yeah.My guess is he picked up some bug.Maybe you shouldn’t be around him.”

“I’ll be fine.”Cat went and sat down in one of the chairs.“Think we should wake him to eat?”

“Probably.”Sid laid his hand on Jamie’s shoulder possessively.“He seems so small when he’s sleeping, doesn’t he.”

“Is he snoring?”Cat leaned forward, listening to the soft snoring noises coming from Jamie.“Oh my god, he snores.”She chuckled.

“You didn’t know that?”

“Well, sleeping with someone does not mean you’ve actually slept with them.” She smirks.

“True,” Sid smiled.After a minute, he asked, “what was he like when he was younger?  Tell me something I might not know.”

Cat sat back in the chair, letting her arms relax on the armrests.A wry smile curled her lips as she thought about a younger Jamie.Fond memories of time spent playing pond hockey, or video games, or just horsing around.Tormenting either Kyle or Jamie by letting the other score a goal.Swimming in the pond during the summer.She closed her eyes, thinking about Sid’s question, knowing he’s looking for more than just those memories.

“They were quite the pair, he and Kyle.It was funny to watch Kyle around him when they were little.It was like it was the most important thing for him to look out for Jamie.I can remember Kyle talking about Jamie, about his mom being sick and the stuff around that.My mom caught Kyle taking things for Jamie for breakfast, I think it was right after his mom died.Kyle told her that Jamie didn’t get breakfast a lot, or lunch.Instead of being mad, she started fixing things for him to take, baking muffins and breakfast rolls.If she packed a lunch she always sent an extra sandwich and cookie or chips, and extra money to buy him something.”

“I didn’t know that.Your mom’s been really good to him for a long time, huh.”

“Her boys.” Cat smiled.“He was this shy, quiet little kid.At least the first few times he ever came to the house.But pretty soon, he was just a part of the family.The two of them were pretty much joined at the hip and well, the three of us had a lot of fun.He was always good at hockey.Kyle had been skating a year longer than him, but Jamie was soon out-skating all the older kids.He was very determined, focused.When he was little that was.”

“I think he wanted to please Bill.He’s said he was worried they’d send him away, so I’m guessing it was to try and make them want to keep him.”

“Could be.As they got older, their relationship changed.And I don’t mean the physical part.I mean Jay became Kyle’s protector.He decked a kid one time when he called Kyle a fag.Openly dared anyone to call him that.Then, with what he did to my dad.”

“That was where things went bad for them.”

“Luc’s a bastard.” Her expression changed, her features tensing.

“I think losing Kyle changed him.”

Cat shook her head.“Too little, too late.”She waved her hand in the air, dismissively.“Enough about that.Anyway.He’s a lot like he was as he got older.You’ve seen it since you met him. The public Jamie, or the hockey player, is different from the private Jamie.He can walk the walk and has the swagger, but inside he’s always been, I don’t know, humble sounds good, but more than that, quiet, unassuming away from the public, he’s never thought he’s as good as he is.I think that goes back to not wanting to leave Edmonton.If he was too good, he’d have to go away to play.He never wanted that.Pretty much a homebody.A lot like you.”

Sid blushed, letting his hand brush Jamie’s cheek. Yeah, they were alike in that way.

“Seriously, Sid.You get asked a question and you talk about how great your teammates are, especially Malkin, and Jay.You score a goal and it’s never about you, it’s all about your line.That’s him, too.He’s sure he’s only had the success he’s had because he’s here, and because he plays with you.”

“I’ve been worried.This’ll be the longest that he’ll be playing without me.And they’ve got another road trip.”

“And the All-Star Game.Are you going with him?”

“No, don’t think so.Maybe this is a good thing, that blessing in disguise.Maybe it’ll show him that he belongs up here.Finally.Show him he can do this on his own.”

“I hope so.Or else he’s gone crash and burn.”

“I don’t see that happening.Maybe a couple of years ago, like he said, but not now.”

“Okay.So, what do you want for lunch.”Cat stretched and started to stand up.“That’s why I came in here in the first place.”

Sid gently shook Jamie’s shoulder.“Hey, Jame, want to wake up and eat?”

“Mmmm...”Jamie turned and buried his face in the pillow.

“Come on, wake up.”Sid shook his shoulder a little harder.

“Go away.”Came the muffled response.

“What do you want for lunch?”

“Soup.”Jamie rolled so he was facing the back of the couch.He opened his eyes and looked up at Sid.“And a sandwich.”

“What kind of soup?”

“Chicken noodle.And do we have turkey?”

“I think we do.”Cat offered, getting up and walking over to the couch.“I think I can manage that order.”

“How do you feel?”She said, feeling his cheek.

“Blah.”He pulled the blanket up under his chin and snuggled his head into the pillow again.

“I’ll bring you something that’ll help with the fever, too.”She smiled.“Sid?”

“Soup and a sandwich sounds good.Need help?”

Cat laughed and gave him an ‘are you kidding me’ look.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jamie played the next night, despite not feeling well.He probably shouldn’t have.He was sluggish on the ice, his reaction time a half-step behind.By the third period, Sully kept him on the bench.Chris Stewart pumped him full of IV fluids after the game, just to be sure he didn’t get dehydrated.He felt a little better after that and managed to drive himself home, even though Brian and Kris had both tried to make him ride with one of them.

He walked through the door to be met by Cat, she then ushered him up to bed where Sid was waiting.By the next morning he was running a fever and throwing-up.Sid told Cat to stay away, fearing she’d get sick, too.She scoffed and informed him that he wasn’t going to be able to take care of Jamie by himself.She made a phone call, and reinforcements arrived in the form on Nathalie Lemieux.

Jamie missed the game on Sunday, but so did Conor, and Rusty wasn’t feeling well either.Whatever Jamie had was making its way through the line-up, a common problem for teams.Close proximity and shared water bottles usually meant that what one got, they all got.

Cat, Sid discovered, was into holistic medicines.She made Jamie a special tea, and fed Sid an assortment of teas and foods that she told him would help prevent him from getting what Jamie had.Sid was skeptical, wanting to call and have Vyas send something stronger.Cat stood her ground.

By Monday, Jamie was feeling better.Well, alive anyway, he said.The fever had broken Sunday evening.His body still ached and Cat relented and gave him some Tylenol.He missed a second game on Tuesday which the Pens, their line-up decimated by illness, lost.Conor, Rusty, Brian, and Hags, as well as Muzz, all scratched.The call-ups played well, but the Capitals had no trouble with them, winning 5 to 1.

Cat’s preventative measures worked, much to Sid’s amazement, and Jamie was the only one in their household, including Nathalie, who got sick.Tuesday night, the three of them watched the game on TV, then Sid sat on the edge of the bed while Jamie packed for the road trip.

“Are you sure you don’t want to just room with Dumo?” Sid pressed him.Again.

“I’m a big boy now, Crosby, I can stay in a hotel room all by myself.”Jamie answered, throwing a couple of pairs of sweats into his bag.

Sid pulled them out and folded them neatly, placing them carefully back into Jamie’s bag.“Three years and you still can’t pack a suitcase.Why should I think you can take care of yourself if you can’t even do something this simple?”

“I’ll be fine.Besides, Dumes won’t be in St. Louis with me, so what would I do then?”

“You’ve said that before.”Sid pointed out.Again.“And you can room with G at the ASG.”

“G’s taking Anna.”Jamie chuckled.“And don’t give me that look.I’m not gonna be the center part of a Russian sandwich.”

“Damn.You sure?I could talk to G.”

Jamie stepped over to stand between Sid’s legs, resting his hands on Sid’s shoulders.He waited until Sid looked up at him before he bent and kissed Sid’s forehead.

“You’re funny.But seriously, I’m not that same kid anymore.You don’t need to worry.” He stated.

“Doesn’t mean I’m not going to.”Sid wrapped his arms around Jamie’s waist and pulled him in, pressing his cheek to Jamie’s mid-section.Jamie was shirtless, wearing just a pair of shorts which rode low on his hips.Sid turned his head and put his lips against Jamie’s skin.

Jamie ran his fingers through Sid’s hair, gabbing a handful and pulling Sid’s head back.“My stomach isn’t up to what I know you’re thinking of doing.No raspberries.”

“I wasn’t...”

“Liar.”Jamie stepped out of his grasp and pushed his shoulders, causing Sid to fall back to the bed.

“Sure you don’t feel well enough?”Sid propped himself up on his elbows.“You’re gonna be gone for two weeks.”

“You have a broken leg.I’m still woozy.Really?”

“Fine.If you really don’t feel well.”Sid started to sit up, but before he could, Jamie climbed up and straddled his hips, pushing Sid down and pinning his shoulders to the bed.

“You have a point.Two weeks.And you suck at phone sex.Maybe I could find the energy for a quickie.”

“Oh, there’s gonna be nothing quick about it, baby boy.”Sid leered up at Jamie.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday was the third anniversary of the trade that brought Jamie and Hags to Pittsburgh.Jamie dragged himself to practice that morning, and then flew out with the team for a four-game, eight-day road trip through western Canada.

Just as he had two years ago, when Jamie went on his first road trip without an injured Sid, Sid was worried.The trip was to Canada.Calgary.Winnipeg.Vancouver.And... Edmonton.With the dreams of James Russell coming back, Sid couldn’t help being afraid of all the things that could go wrong.  But then again, Jamie was right.  He wasn't that same kid.

 


	16. A Sign Of My Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I thought you’d like to unwrap your surprise.”  Jamie said sheepishly, dropping his chin down to his chest.  
> Now Sid was really confused.  He’d thought his surprise might be that Jamie had a plug with him and had put it in when he went to the bathroom.  That obviously wasn’t the case.  
> “Unwrap my surprise?”  Sid’s brow furrowed.  “I don’t...”  
> Jamie took Sid’s hands and put them at the hem of his shirt.  Sid got the idea, grabbed the material and lifted.  Jamie raised his arms as the material rolled up and off over his head.  He expected to see a bruise, not the white, 4x4 gauze bandage taped to Jamie’s chest.

The first stop on the road trip was Vancouver.All the sick Penguins managed to get back in the line-up, but weren’t playing at their peak performance level.Somehow, Muzz managed to keep them in the game, however.The Canucks were only up by a goal going into the third period, the score 2-1.

Jamie was gassed, and there was still eight minutes on the clock.He glanced down the bench knowing he wasn’t the only one who’s ass was dragging.Brian met his gaze and rolled his eyes.Yeah.He wasn’t feeling a hundred percent yet either.Conor and Rusty were out on the ice.Sully was trying to spread the ice time out, give them all shorter shifts if he could.But they were still down by one and they desperately needed to pick up points on this road trip.

After a swig of Gatorade and a few deep breaths, Jamie went over the boards for another shift.He was out with Horny and Rowney in Sid’s absence.Schultz and Maatta the defensive pairing on the ice at the moment.

Olli held the puck behind the net, waiting for the forwards to set up.Jamie, Carter, and Patric wheeled in unison turned towards center ice as Olli brought the puck around.He passed to Carter who flipped the puck deep from just inside the center line, sending it along the boards on Jamie’s side.Jamie hustled in after it.One of the Canuck d-men slammed him just as he got to the puck, Harnek, the rookie.Jamie took the hit and managed to keep his focus on the puck.He had a couple of inches and some pounds on the rookie, as well as experience.

He stuck his ass back, boxing out against the rookie and pushed until he had him off the puck.Luckily, none of the other Canucks had come to his aid yet.Jamie got his stick on the puck and kicked it out towards center ice.Rowney was there, he sent a quick one-timer towards the net.Horny’s stick was down and they got a lucky deflection.Game tied at 2.

With three minutes left, Jamie took a pass from Kris on a power play and wristed one top-shelf over the goalie’s blocker to give the Pens the lead.His shot turned out to be the game-winner, as well.After the game, it was a short flight to Edmonton, where they’d get a day off.

“You showing the rookies around the city tomorrow, Jim-Bob?” Rusty asked as he settled in to his seat on the plane.

“Maybe.In the afternoon.I have something I need to do in the morning.”Jamie shoved his carry-on into the overhead compartment.

“You didn’t say anything about having plans.”Brian questioned when Jamie sat down.“Everything okay?”

“Yep.Just have something I want to do.No biggie.After lunch we can do the tour thing.Then I’m meeting some friends for dinner.”

“I knew about dinner.I just thought you’d want to, ya know, not be alone tomorrow.”

“Look, you and Tanger don’t need to watch me every minute of this trip.I told Sid that.”Jamie complained.

“Okay.Okay.”Brian put his hands up in surrender.“I’m sorry.So are we gonna run in the morning at least?”

“I am.It’s gonna be minus something.So if you don’t wanna go, I understand.”

“No.I’ll go.I brought that cold weather shit you got me for Christmas.”

“Make sure you wear the face-guard.It really works well.”Jamie added before turning towards the window.

The next morning it was a short run for Jamie and Brian with the temperature hovering in single digits and the wind chill well below zero.When they got back to the hotel, Jamie headed for his room instead of back to Brian’s as was his normal routine.He still hadn’t told Brian, or anyone, where he was going for the morning.As promised, however, he was back around 1 pm to take whoever wanted to go on a tour of the city.

That night, he had dinner at the St. Croix residence.They talked about the baby, but neither Luc nor Diane mentioned the custody waiver or Caitlyn’s worries.It wasn’t their place, they figured.It was up to Caitlyn to tell Jamie, and from his end of the conversation, it was obvious she hadn’t said anything to him about it yet.

On Friday, the Pens practiced.On Saturday, they beat the Oilers 2-1 in overtime.They spent the night in Edmonton and traveled to Calgary the next day.Jamie was all smiles and jokes on the plane ride.It had been a good trip to Edmonton.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the game against Calgary, everyone who had been infected with the flu was back to full-strength.The game was a blow-out for the Pens, 5 – 0.They fared as well in Winnipeg two nights later, winning 4 – 1.The team, minus Jamie and Geno, flew home to Pittsburgh riding a four-game win streak into the all-star break.

Jamie and Geno hoped a smaller charter to St. Louis, where Geno met up with Anna and Nikita at the hotel.Jamie checked into a room by himself.

Friday morning he got up and went for a run by himself, then joined Geno, Anna and Nikki for breakfast.He called home and talked to Cat for a while.She told him Sid was running a few errands.Jamie texted, but got no response, which was unusual.He figured maybe Sid was just at a doctor’s appointment and couldn’t respond.

Around one o’clock he ordered some room service.Texted with some of the under 23 club to see who was flying in when, then settled down for a nap.He was sound asleep an hour later and didn’t hear the door to his room open and close.

The bed dipping slightly made him stir, but he didn’t wake up.It wasn’t until there were lips pressing against his cheek that he started to become aware that someone was in the room.The person nuzzled his cheek, then the lips moved to his mouth, slowly coaxing Jamie awake until he parted his own lips, kissing back.

“Mmmmm....” Jamie hummed softly.“Nice.”

“You in the habit of just letting strange people come in your room and kiss you?”

“I’d know those lips any where.”Jamie said, then added between soft kisses, “Soft.Full.Perfect.”

Jamie opened his eyes and looked up at Sid’s face hovering over him.“This is a pleasant surprise.”

Sid sat up.“Jim was coming and he asked if I felt like tagging along.”

“Uh huh.And you were?”Jamie sat up and wrapped his arms around Sid, pulling him back into another kiss.

“Yep.”Sid mouthed against Jamie’s lips.“No more crutches.”

Jamie pulled away and leaned over to look at Sid’s leg which was hanging over the edge of the bed.He was still wearing the bulky, grey air cast but there were no crutches to be seen.

“You walking on it?That’s a week ahead of schedule.”

“Yep.They said it was healing well and I could start putting weight on it.So, I figured I could come hobble around here as well as at home.”

“Really nice.”Jamie pushed Sid away and clambered off the bed.“We can celebrate after I pee. I, um, may have a little surprise of my own for you.”

“I’ll get comfy then,” Sid called after him.

Sid stood and stripped out of his dress slacks and button-down shirt, debated about leaving his boxer briefs on, then slipped them off too before climbing back on the bed.He was sitting with his back against the head board, legs stretched out, slowly stroking himself when Jamie reappeared.

“Well, comfy is right.”

“You’re over-dressed.” Sid remarked.

“I see that.”Jamie pulled his sweats down and off, but left his t-shirt on.He kneeled up on the bed and made his way over to straddle Sid’s legs.

Sid gave him a puzzled look, wondering why Jamie hadn’t taken his shirt off, too.

“I thought you’d like to unwrap your surprise.”Jamie said sheepishly, dropping his chin down to his chest.

Now Sid was really confused.He’d thought his surprise might be that Jamie had a plug with him and had put it in when he went to the bathroom.That obviously wasn’t the case.

“Unwrap my surprise?”Sid’s brow furrowed.“I don’t...”

Jamie took Sid’s hands and put them at the hem of his shirt.Sid got the idea, grabbed the material and lifted.Jamie raised his arms as the material rolled up and off over his head.He expected to see a bruise, not the white, 4x4 gauze bandage taped to Jamie’s chest.

“You’re hurt?What happened?When?”Sid cupped Jamie’s cheek.“How bad?Not a good surprise, baby boy.”

“Not hurt.That’s just to keep anybody from seeing it before you.Go ahead, pull it off.”

Sid picked at the corner until he got a piece of tape up, then pealed the bandage back slowly, revealing not an injury, but something more permanent on Jamie’s chest.

“Surprise.”Jamie said.“I got it done in Edmonton.”

Sid brought his hand to Jamie’s chest, letting his fingertips brush over the skin briefly.The black made a stark contrast against Jamie’s pale skin, still a little red from the irritation of the needle.He stared at it, tracing his fingers over the thing lines that curved around to form two hearts interlocked.

“Well?”Jamie asked.Sid didn’t say anything right away, he just kept his attention fixed on it.“You don’t like it?I knew it.I shouldn’t have...”

“I love it.”Sid whispered, then repeated louder.“I love it.”

“You sure?”

“It’s, yeah.It’s perfect.I love it.”Sid leaned forward and lightly kissed the mark on Jamie’s chest.“I love you.”

“I know you have a thing about getting one, so it’s okay if you don’t.But I wanted it.”

“I love it.”Sid said again, then he raised his head and kissed Jamie.“And I love you.”

His fingers pressed against the mark as he kept kissing Jamie.He kept touching it, kissing it, looking at it lovingly.

“How long did it take?I mean, how’d you get away to get it done?”

“Just told everybody I had something personal to do.Only took a couple of hours the morning of our off day.”

It was bigger than Jamie’s tattoo for Kyle, which was just a tiny heart and the word Kicks in the center of Jamie’s chest.You had to look hard to be sure that it was a tattoo.No, this was larger and very clearly a tattoo.But like the Kicks tattoo, it was a very plain design.A simple declaration of love.

Black ink only, the outline of the interlocked hearts, on Jamie’s left pec, a few inches above the nipple.Inside the right heart was the number 87 and inside the left was the number 20.


	17. February is for Lovers - Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey, lover boy.” Kris calls as he pounds again.  “Come on.  Open the door.”  
> “Fuck.  Hold on.”  Jamie scowls as he climbs off the bed and goes to the door.  He opens it just a few inches.  “What?”  
> “We’re going to dinner.  Get dressed.”  Kris tries to push past him.  
> “No.  I said I was eating in.  Go away.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short... but wanted to post what I had while I had a working computer.

Sid’s head rested on Jamie’s chest.His fingers traced over the tattoo lightly.He’d touched it every chance he got over the weekend.While they showered together, Sid had kissed at it as the water ran down Jamie’s chest.While Jamie brushed his teeth, Sid had crowded up behind him, reaching around to trace over the hearts, staring at their reflection in the mirror.While they sat in the jacuzzi in Anna and Geno’s suite, his arm slung around Jamie’s shoulder, his fingers resting against the tattoo.While Jamie slept, like now.

Jamie had taken some ribbing in the locker room during the All-Star weekend and he was surely going to endure a lot of chirping in the Pens’ locker room when they got home.Jamie had just taken it all in stride, puffing his chest and walking around bare-chested as much as he could.Sid was positive he was showing it off just to rile a few of the assholes at the ASG.

Sid was also sure that he was going to take as much harassment over it as Jamie was going to get.His friends especially would be chirping him about having to have his number on everything he owned.Not that he owned Jamie, but Jamie was his.And he was Jamie’s.Now there was no doubt.

Jamie had a good weekend.In a way, it was even better than the last two All-Star games that they’d played together.Jamie got to shine on his own.Not as Sid’s boy.But as a two-time Stanley Cup, Hart trophy, Art Ross trophy, and Conn Smythe winner.And as one of the leading scorers in the league again this year.He’d excelled at the skills competition, taking the shooting accuracy for the third year in a row.Then he’d scored a hat trick in the conference game.

Off the ice and around the other players, their families, and even the media, Jamie had been relaxed and confident.It was like something had changed in him.He was happy.Maybe that was it.He acted like he was truly happy.

They flew home on Monday with the other Pens’ people.Nikki spent most of the flight on Jamie’s lap looking out the window.Geno patiently translated every one of Nikki’s hundred questions for Jamie.Sid noticed the smile that stayed on Jamie’s face the whole time.

The Pens would start the second half of the season with a four-game home stand.That meant a doctor’s appointment for Cat was scheduled for Wednesday.Just routine she said, taking advantage of Jamie being home for a week.

“Everything looks good.” Dr. Wexler said.“No problems?”

“Nothing except some weird cravings.” Cat assured her.

When the boys left so Cat could get dressed again, Dr. Wexler came back into the room.

“So.Your blood pressure is okay.Borderline, though.Any symptoms?” She asked.

“No.Sid keeps a close watch on me when I’m doing anything.He’s been helping me with the yoga and light exercises as much as he can.Jamie’s home for a week, so he’ll help me.”

“Have you and Sid told him yet?”

“No.He’s doing so well, I really don’t want to worry him if I don’t have to, ya know.And as of now, everything’s okay.Right?”Cat said cautiously.

“Everything’s okay.We’ll just keep a close watch on things.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey.Can you see okay?”

Jamie adjusted his laptop which was sitting on the dresser in the hotel room.Once Sid assured him that he had the whole bed in view, Jamie turned and jumped onto the middle of the bed.

“Happy Valentine’s Day!”

“Happy Valentine’s Day, baby boy.”Sid laughed.“How goes the trip?”

“Good.How’re things there?”

“All good.Cat said to tell you hi.”

“Hi, Cat!”

“You had a good game last night.Except for the fight.”Sid chastised him.“You shouldn’t have gone after Matthews.You had to know somebody would retaliate.”

“It was a legal hit.”

“Not the point.You practically launched him into the bench.”Which, Sid had to admit had been impressive to watch.Jamie had gotten a good angle on his check and took Matthews off his feet.He’d gone down hard on the ice right in front of the bench and been slow to get up.It had taken all of two seconds for Rielly to drop his gloves and come after Jamie.

“Whatever.He’s a big boy.He should be able to take a hit.”Jamie is kneeling on the bed, bouncing on his heels nervously.“Anyway.Do you want to yell at me about it or ya know, um, have some fun.”

“Fun.Definitely taking the fun.”Sid grins.“So.What kind of mood are you in?You just want to...”

“Tell me what to do.”Jamie says.

“Okay.Hmmm... let’s see.How about you take your shirt off first.”

Jamie pulls his t-shirt up over his head and tosses it to the side.

“Very nice.”Sid says.“Run your hands over your chest.Slowly.”

As Jamie starts to run his hand down over his chest someone pounds on the hotel room door.

“Hey, lover boy.” Kris calls as he pounds again.“Come on.Open the door.”

“Fuck.Hold on.”Jamie scowls as he climbs off the bed and goes to the door.He opens it just a few inches.“What?”

“We’re going to dinner.Get dressed.”Kris tries to push past him.

“No.I said I was eating in.Go away.”

Kris pushes harder on the door and Jamie gives in out of fear that he’ll bust it or something.Kris steps past him and into the room, followed by Brian, Olli, Carl and Phil.

Kris spots the computer and sticks his head in front of the screen.

“Hello, Sidney.” He smiles.“We’ve come to kidnap your boy.”

“No, you’re not kidnapping me.”Jamie pushes past the others to push Kris away from the computer, but it’s too late.The others all pile on the bed waving and laughing at Sid.

“I’m sorry.Are we interrupting something?”Kris spies the t-shirt on the floor.

“Um, yes.Now go away.”Jamie pushes at him.

“No.You’re not.” Sid chimes in.“What are you going to do with him.”

“The hotel is having some sort of Valentine’s Day special meal for two thing.Dumo needs a date.”Hags informs Sid.“Olli going with Tanger, I’m taking Phil.We came to drag Jim-Bob along.”

“Sounds like fun.”Sid smiles.“Go have a good time with the boys, Jame.”

“No.I was going to have a good time here.”Jamie crosses his arms over his chest.“Without the boys.”

“Ah, don’t you want to be my Valentine?”Brian stands up and wraps his arm around Jamie’s shoulder, giving him a peck on the cheek.

“Fuck off.”Jamie shrugs out from under him and glares.“You know I said I had plans.”

“Uh huh.Skype sex with Sidney sounds so exciting.”Kris laughs.“Go get dressed.You can call him back later.”

“Yep.You can call me back later.”Sid just goes along with it.“Have fun.Dumo, bring him back in one piece, okay.”

“Will do, Cap.”Brian smirks.

“Sid?”

“Go.Have fun.Call me when you get back.”He says.“Later boys.”

The screen goes blank.

“So.You’re coming to dinner with us.”Kris snickers.

Jamie sighs.He digs out a pair of dress slacks and shirt and goes to change.


	18. February is for Lovers - Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie was furiously typing away on his phone.  
> “Segs?”  
> “Uh huh.”  
> Jamie: WTF?????? You have a wedding without me??? What’s to deal???? Oh… and congrats!  
> It takes a few minutes before Tyler answers him.  
> Segs: Just happened. We were in Vegas. Day off. And well, he said ‘you wanna’ and I said ‘why the fuck not’ and that was that. Planning a party for summer.  
> Jamie: Welcome to the club! Trade rumors still?  
> Segs: Nope. Not now. Watching Hockey Tonight? There are more of us!  
> “Well fuck me.” Sid exclaimed. “What the hell’s going on? Is it like national coming out day or something?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have found a computer on which I can write (and post) again! To celebrate, here's just over 3500 words, some romance and some shower sex!
> 
> As always, love to hear thoughts on the story. Thanks for sticking with me through the longer than usual delay in posting updates, hopefully we have the computer issues fixed and I will be able to post more often again.

February’s a strange month on the schedule for the Pens. A couple of games on the road. A game at home. A couple of games at home. A game on the road. Jamie wasn’t sure half the time whether he was coming or going. It didn’t help his mood that he didn’t have Sid on the road with him. He was starting to feel run down and it was just the start of the push to the play-offs. The toughest part of the season was still ahead of him.

With Cat living with them, he and Sidney didn’t get much alone time at home. He’d gotten used to being able to get that time on the road. With Sid stuck at home, Jamie had tried to get that time via Skype chats. Valentine’s Day, however, hadn’t been the only time his teammates had interrupted his plans. Somehow, they knew every time he had plans for a quiet evening with Sid. Either Kris, or Brian, or someone, found a way to disrupt his evening.

February was a special month for Jamie. It was three years on the 22nd that he and Sidney had first gotten together on a road trip to Boston. This anniversary date meant as much to him as their wedding anniversary. On their first anniversary, Sid had filled the house with carnations, Jamie’s favorite, and they’d spent the day at home together. The second year, they’d been on the road together. They’d flown in to Toronto for a game as part of a three-game trip. When he’d walked into their hotel room, there had been several vases of carnations waiting for him. He’d turned and looked at Sidney, astonished that he’d arranged that. Sid had just smiled and repeated Jamie’s oft used refrain, “It’s good to be Sidney Fucking Crosby.”

This year, Jamie would be on the road by himself. The Pens were flying out the day before their anniversary for Buffalo for a one-game trip. They’d play on the 22nd and fly back to Pittsburgh after the game.

Sidney sat on the edge of the bed while Jamie packed his bag. It’s was a skate and go day, meaning the Pens would practice out at Cranberry, then fly out to Buffalo in the afternoon.

“So, it has to be after midnight, or it doesn’t count.” Jamie told Sid, for the third time.

“Um. But that’s not gonna happen. No sex on a game day and after midnight makes it a game day.”

“Fuck that rule. It was only bad juju for Dumes and me. Besides. It’s not going to be a game day for you, so it shouldn’t count for that reason either.”

“Nope. Not doing it.”

“You have to be kidding me.” Jamie huffed at him. “It’s our anniversary.”

“Doesn’t matter. No sex on game days.”

“Fine.” Jamie stomped into the bathroom. After a minute, he stuck his head out. “Today’s not a game day.”

“You have practice.”

“So? I have lots of energy. Won’t affect me at all. Would be a good cardio warm-up, in fact.”

“No.” Sid said firmly. “You’ll survive.”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

\---------------------------------------------------------

Jamie parked and grabbed his bag, standing by his Jeep to wait for Brian who had pulled in behind him. Together they walked to the charter flight check-in area for their security check, then made their way to the plane. He was laughing at something Brian was saying, half turned around in the aisle and not paying attention to anything.

“Hey, Sid!”

Brian’s greeting made Jamie turn around with a jerk. He fell as he tripped over his own feet.

“What the fuck?” Phil griped as Jamie crashed down on his lap. He pushed Jamie off.

“Sorry, Phil.” Jamie said sheepishly as he stood up, then he looked at Sid. “But, yeah. What the fuck?”

“Well, it’s a short trip so I thought I’d see if I could… um… come along.” He winked at Jamie who instantly turned bright red.

“And you didn’t say anything all morning? Asshole.” Jamie bent down and gave him a kiss.

“The look on your face was priceless. And getting to watch you crash into Phil.” Sid smirked. “Bonus.”

“Hey. Lover boy. You hold up the line. Kiss him later.” Kris called from the cabin door.

“Yeah. Get a move on.” Brian crowded up behind Jamie, shoving him along to their seats.

When they landed in Buffalo, Jamie patiently waited until the plane taxied to a stop. Before anyone could stand up to disembark, he stood up.

“Okay. Can I have your attention for a brief minute.” There were several groans. “I am letting it be known that I will be staying in this evening. And, there will be no knocks, no phone calls, no texts. No interruptions to my plans for the evening at all. Is that clear?”

He glared at Kris. “Tanger?”

Then glared at Brian. “Dume-ass?”

Both just shook their heads and tried to look innocent.

“Okay. Now that we have that taken care of, you are free to go.”

“So, we all know what Jamie’s doing this evening.” Rusty chirped. “Sid, you got plans for dinner?”

“Um, no. No, I don’t. We all going out?”

“Sid’s buying boys!” Geno chimed in. “We all go eat together. Good to have Captain back.”

“No. Fucking assholes.” Jamie objected loudly. “Not happening.”

“Ah, lover boy. You have him all night. Let us have him for dinner, eh?” Kris added.

“No. We’re staying in. That’s final.” Jamie glared at his teammates as they walked across the tarmac.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sid bent down and kissed Jamie, then shifted to sit down next to him on the bed. He let his hand rest on Jamie’s thigh.

“Okay. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. Why would anything be wrong?”

“You’re pouting.”

“I am not.” Jamie huffed, crossing his arms to his chest.

“I rest my case.”

“Okay. It’s just. Ugh.” Jamie laid back on the bed and rubbed his hands over his face.

“Ugh? That bad?” Sid laid back beside him, their shoulders touching.

“They’ve been messing up our time together for weeks. And at home, well, Cat’s around and well, it’s been hard to get time for just us. Us alone. And when I saw you on the plane I thought, fuck yeah, some time together again, finally. And then you say we’re going out and well. Just. Fuck.” Jamie said into his hands.

“We get plenty of time together at home.” Sid rolled onto his side, facing Jamie. He ran his hand down Jamie’s chest, letting it stop at his belt. He leaned over and whispered into Jamie’s ear. “Or are you telling me you’re, uh, frustrated? Not getting enough of me, eh?”

“Never get enough of you.” Jamie turned his head towards Sid, bringing their mouths together. He reached up and slipped his hand onto the back of Sid’s head, pulling him deeper into the kiss.

Just then, both of their cellphones started blowing up with text notifications.

“Oh my fucking god! How the hell do they know!” Jamie growled as Sid pulled away and got up to go get their phones.

Jamie didn’t even look at his phone when Sid handed it to him, just tossing it down on the bed. Sid, however, read several of his messages.

“Holy fuck.” He said after a minute, just standing next to the bed staring at his phone. Without looking up he added, “turn the TV on. Find ESPN or some other sports news.”

Jamie found the remote and turned on the TV, flipping through channels until he found ESPN. Scrolling across the bottom after the label Breaking News he caught the last few words of whatever the breaking news story was – announce their marriage. Benn and Seguin become just the second open same-sex couple in a major professional sports league.

“Holy shit!” Jamie exclaimed. “Is this for real? They fucking got married?”

“That’s what the texts say.” Sid finally looks up from his phone. “Segs and Bennie both texted. They eloped. Got married in Vegas on an off-day yesterday.”

“Oh, holy shit.” Jamie repeated, reaching for his phone to look at his texts. “Do you think they are trying to keep Chubbs from getting traded? I mean, Segs said that marriage, coming out, wasn’t even close to happening. And now this?”

“Could be. Or maybe trade’s happening anyway? I sent them a congrats text.”

Jamie was furiously typing away on his phone.

“Segs?”

“Uh huh.”

Jamie: _WTF?????? You have a wedding without me??? What’s to deal???? Oh… and congrats!_

It takes a few minutes before Tyler answers him.

Segs: _Just happened. We were in Vegas. Day off. And well, he said ‘you wanna’ and I said ‘why the fuck not’ and that was that. Planning a party for summer._

Jamie: _Welcome to the club! Trade rumors still?_

Segs: _Nope. Not now. Watching Hockey Tonight? There are more of us!_

“Well fuck me.” Sid exclaimed. “What the hell’s going on? Is it like national coming out day or something?”

“Huh? Segs says to get the NHL channel up. Does this hotel have that?”

Sid flipped around the channels and found Hockey Tonight. They were talking about Sid and Jamie, as well as a couple of other pairs of hockey players.

“It’s been not quite three years since Sidney and Jamie Crosby came out and let the world know they were in fact a couple and now, two other couples have come out. Tyler Seguin and Jamie Benn announced that they were married yesterday in a quiet ceremony in Las Vegas, surrounded by their teammates. Today, James Neal and Paul Martin announced that they have been in a long-term relationship, dating back to their time together with Pittsburgh. In their statement, the Vegas Golden Knight forward and San Jose Sharks defensemen said that they are planning a wedding for this summer.”

“Wow. Just… wow.” Sid shook his head in amazement. “I didn’t think it would ever happen.”

“I know. I thought we’d be the only ones forever. Wonder why now?”

“I don’t know. And really, I don’t care.” Sid tossed his phone aside and walked over to where Jamie was sitting on the bed, still texting away. He reached down and took Jamie’s phone, tossing it aside.

“Hey!” Jamie protested.

Sid pushed him back onto the bed and climbed up to straddle his hips.

“I don’t care whether anyone else ever comes out. All I care about is us. It was the right thing for us to do, much as I hate that term and all it implies about how the world sees us as a couple.”

“I’m pretty happy we did it when we did, too.” Jamie let his hands run over Sid’s shirt. Sid bent forward and started nuzzling Jamie’s neck. Jamie tipped his head back, baring his throat to Sid’s playful nips and sucking, letting himself start to slip into that wonderful headspace where nothing but Sid mattered.

The pounding on the hotel door brought him back to reality.

“Fuckers! I’m telling you they know. Somehow they know.” He groaned. “Don’t answer it. They’ll go away.”

Sid scrambled off Jamie and went to open the door. Several of their teammates filtered in, talking about the news. Jamie found one of the bed pillows and covered his face with it.

“Come on, Jim-Bob. Scoot over.” Rusty said, smacking Jamie on the thigh.

“I hate you all, you know that, right?”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

They rode the elevator down with Justin and Olli. Jamie leaned against the back wall of the elevator, arms crossed over his chest, staring down at the floor. Pouting. Sid just looked at the two defensemen and rolled his eyes. Olli winked at him knowingly. When they got to the lobby, some of the others were waiting.

It was a good fifteen minutes before Kris and Brian finally showed up, the last two to arrive. Jamie had been whining about having to wait for them. He just wanted to go to dinner and get back to the hotel for some time with Sid. As they started out of the hotel, Sid stopped and felt in his pockets.

“Shit. I left my phone up in the room.”

“You don’t need it.” Jamie sounded irritated.

“Yes I do. Come on, come with me to get it.”

“No. You go. I’m going with the guys. You can catch up.” They were walking the four blocks to the restaurant.

“Awe, does our big, brave captain need someone to hold his hand? Think you’ll get lost or something?” Kris poked at Sid. “Go with him, Jim-Bob. You’re the one complaining you aren’t getting enough alone time with him.”

“Whatever.” Jamie threw up his hands and turned around to follow Sid. “Why not waste another 20 minutes.”

The ride back up in the elevator went about as well as the ride down. Only this time they were along and Jamie made no effort to hide his frustration, giving Sid an earful about forgetting his phone. When they got to the room, Jamie stood there looking at Sid waiting for him to open the door.

“You forgot your keycard, too? Really?”

“Sorry. Just open the door okay.”

Jamie opened the door and stormed into the room. “So, where the hell is your phone…”

Jamie froze, his mouth hanging open in surprise. Sid stepped up behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling Jamie back against his chest. He rolled up on his toes and hooked his chin over Jamie’s shoulder.

“You owe those assholes an apology.”

Jamie couldn’t speak. In front of him was a dining cart set with dinner for two. Also on the cart were a flameless luminary candle and a large vase of carnations. He realized there was music softly playing from the radio.

“Why do you think Tanger and Dumo were so late getting down to go for dinner?”

“They?” He waved his arms at the scene before him.

“Yep. All of them were in on it from the beginning. Happy anniversary.”

Jamie turned around in Sid’s arms, draping his own over Sid’s shoulders.

“You know, I get asked all the time, what’s the one thing about Sidney that none of us know. I always just make up some shit about something, but you know what that one thing is.” He bent down for a quick kiss before continuing. “That one thing that only I know about Sidney Fucking Crosby.”

“What’s that, baby boy.”

“You are a hopeless romantic. Thank you, I love it.”

“I know it’s not the day. Yet. But you’re gonna be kind of busy tomorrow.”

“It’s fine. I’ll just have to make do, huh. Unless…” Jamie waggled an eyebrow at Sid.

“No. No sex on a game day. All fooling around ends before midnight.” Sid laughed.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Jamie got up and went for his normal run with Brian. When he came back to the room he just went straight to the shower even though he had a couple of hours before team breakfast and then their pre-game skate. He was pouring shampoo on his hair when he heard Sid come in the bathroom. He heard him monkeying around, then the toilet flushed and the shower curtain was pulled back. Sid stepped in behind him.

“What’s this?”

“Thought you’d like a hand.” Sid said, picking up the bar of soap and rubbing it over Jamie’s back.

“How thoughtful of you.” Jamie finished lathering up his hair and stepped under the shower head to rinse.

Sid lathered up his hands, set the soap down and reached around Jamie, closing his hand around Jamie’s flaccid cock. “So, did you already take care of things?”

Jamie brought his hand down to cover Sid’s, slowly guiding Sid’s hand up and down his quickly hardening cock. “Um. No. No, I haven’t. But, I’m a bit confused.”

Sid began peppering soft kisses along Jamie’s shoulder and the back of his neck. “It’s a special occasion, so I thought, what the fuck. Maybe just this one time. But so help me, if you get hurt tonight...”

“Not gonna get hurt.” Jamie braced himself against the shower wall with both hands, his hips rocking into only Sid’s hand now. “Damn that feels good.”

Sid kissed down Jamie’s back as he squatted behind him. He let go of Jamie’s cock to bring his hand around, using both hands to spread Jamie’s ass cheeks. Sid let his tongue trail down the crack of Jamie’s ass, following a rivulet of water, until he could draw circles with his tongue around Jamie’s tight, pink hole.

“Mmmm…. mine.” Sid hummed.

“God.” Jamie moaned, leaning forward so his forehead rested against the wall between his hands. He arched his back, pushing his ass back towards Sid.

Sid’s mouthed at the small opening. Humming against the rim, the vibration of his lips something he’d learned caused tingles to spread up Jamie’s spine. He alternated that with his tongue lapping at the rim of muscle, pushing in every so often. It didn’t take long for him to have Jamie whining, his whole body trembling.

Sid finally let one hand slide around to fondle Jamie’s cock again. He worked his hand up and down the hard shaft, rolling his palm over the head occasionally. Jamie mewled, low and deep from his chest, almost a low purr sounding noise. He was shaking, trying to keep from fucking into Sid’s hand or back to Sid’s mouth. When Sid slide a finger into Jamie’s ass, pushing past the time rim, Jamie couldn’t control himself any longer and he pushed his hips back. Sid twisted his hand and curled his finger, sliding the tip over Jamie’s prostrate. He felt Jamie’s body tense and several quick “uh uh” come out in short, rapid breathes.

“Tell me.” Sid said, stroking Jamie a little faster, a little harder.

“Please. Oh god, please, Sid.”

Sid worked his finger in and out, pushing in slowly and gliding the tip of his finger expertly over Jamie’s sensitive spot again and again. Jamie moaned loudly.

“Fuck. Oh… fuck…” Jamie rocked his hips back and forth now, fucking himself on Sid’s finger and fucking into the tunnel Sid made with his hand.

“Don’t come, yet.” Sid commanded. Jamie reacted instantly, stopping his movements. Sid felt him tense, his leg muscles quivering with the effort to hold his orgasm back.

“Please.”

Sid pulled his finger out and stood up, pressing their bodies together he wrapped his arms around Jamie’s waist and just held him tight, kissing at the nape of his neck.

“You want?” Sid’s asked, his cock hard against Jamie ass.

“Yes.” Jamie whimpered.

Sid stepped back, pulling Jamie with him a couple of steps. He pushed on Jamie’s shoulder and pulled his hips back.

“Bend over.”

Jamie let Sid push him into the position he wanted, knees slightly bent, hands resting on the shower wall, back arched and ass in the air. He watched the water run down Jamie’s back and over his ass. Sid gave it a good hard smack before he spread Jamie’s cheeks with his hands and lined the head of his cock up with Jamie’s opening. He rocked his hips forward, pushing past the tight rim all in one motion and sliding deep into Jamie’s ass.

“Uh… fuck… uh… fuck…” Jamie stuttered out between sharp breathes.

“Okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah. Just… fuck…”

Sid slowly pulled out and pushed back in, taking his time and letting Jamie’s opening stretch around his cock. His hands held Jamie’s hips steady as he fucked in and out.

Jamie drifted into nothingness as Sid increased the pace of his thrusts. Everything flooded away except for the sounds of the water running, of skin slapping against skin, of the steady flow of small grunts that came out of him every time Sid slammed his cock deep into his ass. Jamie arched his back more, trying to push back into Sid’s thrusts. Trying to get him deeper.

“Come on, baby boy. Let go.”

Jamie reached down with one hand and wrapped his fingers around his own cock. He jerked hard and fast. Two. Three. Four strokes and his whole body tensed as he came. His ass clenched around Sid’s cock. Sid managed to keep fucking Jamie, hard and fast as Jamie’s body shuddered through his orgasm. When Sid felt Jamie start to go slack, he bent over his back and wrapped his arms tightly around Jamie’s waist and chest. He thrust in hard several times, finally pushing in as far as he could and grinding his hips against Jamie as he came himself.

“Fuck, baby boy.” He whispered against Jamie’s back.

Jamie had braced his arms against the wall again, managing to hold himself up as Sid slowly stroked his cock in and out as the last of his come filled Jamie’s ass. Sid straightened up and pulled out carefully. He watched as his come dripped out of Jamie’s opening.

“Mmmm…. what a beautiful view.” He said, lightly smacking Jamie’s ass.

Sid realized Jamie’s legs, his whole body actually, was shaking. He helped him stand up, then used his body to push Jamie forward until Sid had him pinned between his body and the shower wall. He held Jamie there until his breathing settled and his body stopped shaking.

That night, Jamie didn’t get hurt during the game. He did score a goal and have two assists as the Pens beat Buffalo 4-2.


	19. Hello, Baby Crosby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat hissed a little when the cold gel hit her stomach. Dr. Wexler slid the wand over her lower abdomen.
> 
> “Well, there you are.” She said as the baby came into focus on the screen. “Hello, baby Crosby.”

February 28th

Sid skated lazily around the ice at the training center. It was just his second day on skates since being cleared by the doctors. They didn’t want him over-doing it the first few times out. He’d made about three laps when Jamie stepped out on the ice with him in just a sweat suit. 

“Thought I’d keep you company.” Jamie said, skating up next to Sid.

“Nervous energy today, huh.”

“Maybe a little.”

“Yeah, I’m right there with you.” Sid told him. “Might spend some time on a bike while you’re at practice.”

“I wish we could just skip out.” 

“Wouldn’t matter if we did, the appointment’s not until four.”

“I know, I’m just really excited. You wanna know still, right?” Jamie did a smooth spin and skated backwards in front of Sid.

“You do, so, yeah. I guess I want to know.”

“Would it matter? Isn’t the answer supposed to be that you just want a healthy baby?”

“True. So maybe we don’t need to know. Cat said she didn’t care one way or another.”

The Pens’ skating coach and one of the trainers stepped out onto the ice. Jamie saw Sid nod at them.

“Ready to get to work, Sid?” One of them yelled across the rink.

“You know it!” Sid hollered back.

“Guess I’d better go get ready for practice.” Jamie stopped and waited for Sid to skate up to him. “Have fun.”

“Going to.” Sid grinned, happy just to be skating.

Practice ran from eleven to one, then Jamie waited around while Sid met with the orthopedic doctors to let them know how he felt after skating two days in a row. His leg was fully healed and he was hoping his rehab would go quickly. The Pens were fighting it out with the Rangers for the second and third seed playoff spots in the Metropolitan and March would be some tough hockey for them. Twelve out of their fifteen games would be against division rivals. Including home and home series with Washington and the Rangers.

Sid wanted to get back to playing. When he wandered back into the locker room, Jamie could read his expression. Good news.

“They think I may be able to play next week.” He reported to Jamie happily.  
“Excellent!” Jamie stood and wrapped his arms around Sid. “I’ll be glad to have you back. I hate taking face-offs.”

“Well, if you didn’t get Rowns kicked out so much…”

“That’s Shears, not me.” Jamie laughed.

“So. You ready to go?”

“Yep. Stop and pick up some food on the way home?”

“Didn’t you eat?”

“Yeah, but, ya know. Eating for three still.”

Sid laughed. “Okay. We’ll pick something up.”

Jamie grinned the whole way to the vehicle as they walked hand-in-hand. It was good to have Sid back.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“This should give us a much more accurate picture of how far along you are,” Dr. Wexler informed Cat as she got the sonogram equipment ready. 

As had become their usual set-up, Jamie was sitting on a stool on the opposite side of the bed from Dr. Wexler, holding Cat’s hand. Sid was standing behind Jamie with his hands resting on Jamie’s shoulders. 

“How has everything been going?” She asked Cat.

“Good. I feel like all I want to do is eat.” Cat laughed. “Guess I’m making up for those first three months.”

“Jamie, I see you are still eating for three.” Dr. Wexler glanced over at him and grinned. “Maybe Cat should be eating for herself now, huh?”

“Normally by this point of the season, we can’t keep weight on him.” Sid joked as Jamie blushed. “I think being pregnant agrees with him, Doc.”

“You’re funny. Ha ha.” Jamie grumbled. He tried to shrug out from beneath Sid’s hands, but Sid just clamped down tighter on his shoulders. 

Cat hissed a little when the cold gel hit her stomach. Dr. Wexler slid the probe over her lower abdomen.

“Well, there you are.” She said as the baby came into focus on the screen. “Hello, baby Crosby.”

She typed in some information on the computer as she positioned the sonogram over different places, taking measurements of the baby. 

“Everything looks good. Toes. Fingers. All the things you want to see.” She pointed them out to the boys and Cat. “It looks like we were pretty close with the timeframe. I might move your due date a little earlier, though. Maybe more like the fifth than the eighth.”

“Yay!” Cat said. “Sooner is good.”

“So. Did you decide? Do you want to know the sex?”

Jamie tipped his head and looked up at Sid. “Well?”

“It’s up to you.” Sid smiled down at him.

Jamie looked at Cat who nodded. “Up to you, Jay. You said it, all I want is healthy.”

“Yes, then. I want to know.” Jamie nodded.

Dr. Wexler moved the sonogram around on the swell of Cat’s belly. “Well, if it was a boy, we’d be seeing his little package right here. So, I’m going to say congratulations, it’s a girl.”

“A girl.” Jamie repeated. 

“Yep. I mean, there is always the chance that things are hidden, but… wait…” She pushed a little on Cat’s belly, making the baby kick and shift a little. “Nope. It’s a girl.”

“I’m happy with that.” Sid patted Jamie’s shoulders. “I think we’ll do just fine with a little girl.”

“Stelly’s going to have some competition.” Cat chuckled. “She won’t be your only girl anymore.”

“She’s not now. I love Scarlet just as much.” Jamie said. “I tell them that all the time.”

“Stelly doesn’t believe you for a minute.”

“I think Mom’s going to be ecstatic. She’s been hoping for a little girl.” Sid added. “I don’t think we’re going to have room for all the baby clothes I can see coming.”

“Well, it looks like everything is progressing just fine. The nurse will come in and help you get cleaned up, Caitlyn. Sid. Jamie. If you want to come to my office, we’ll get you a copy of the sonogram video and a few stills. If you want.”

“Yeah. I was told Mom wants to see it.” Jamie told her as he stood up. He bent to give Cat a kiss on the forehead. “Love you.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cat had forgotten just how big, and quiet, the house was. She’d gotten used to having Sid around over the last two months. Since he’d gone back to practicing, she found that she really missed him. She spent the morning while they were at their pre-game skate just puttering around the house. She’d done a couple of loads of laundry, run the dishwasher and put the clean dishes away, and was now vacuuming the living room. Nothing too strenuous per doctor’s orders. 

The wave of nausea hit her unexpectedly, along with a lightheaded, dizzy feeling. She staggered a little as her vision got blurry. She tried to brace herself with the vacuum. She didn’t want to fall, so before she did, she just let herself sit down on the floor in the middle of the room. She rested her head in her hands and closed her eyes, hoping the feeling would go away. When it didn’t she just laid back on the floor. That’s where the boys found her when they came home from practice.


	20. Symptoms of Something Serious?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s not fucking nothing, is it?”
> 
> “It’s just high blood pressure, Jay. Dr. Wexler’s been monitoring it. She hasn’t wanted to put me on any medication, but I think that’ll change.”

“I’m fine. Really, Jay.” Cat insisted as Jamie helped her up off the floor and onto the couch. “I just got a little dizzy so I sat down.”

“A little dizzy? You were passed out on the floor.” He admonished.

“I was not passed out. I sat down. When it didn’t get better, I laid down.”

“Whatever.” Jamie huffed. “What made you dizzy?”

“I’m preggers, bud. It happens.”

“No it doesn’t. Something’s wrong. I’m gonna call Wexler’s office.” Jamie pulled out his phone.

“You don’t need to call them,” Sid said as he walked in the room with a bottle of Gatorade for Cat. “Here, drink.”

Jamie noticed Sid had something else in his other hand. Sid sat down on the couch next to Cat and slipped something on her arm. Jamie realized it was a blood pressure monitor,

“You have a BP kit?” He asked. “Since when?”

“Since I need to monitor my blood pressure.” Cat stated calmly. “No big deal.”

Once he had the cuff situated, Sid hit the button on the machine to take Cat’s pressure. They all waited as the cuff inflated then the air slowly hissed back out.

“130 over 90. Still a little high for you. Guessing that’s what caused you to be dizzy.” Sid read the numbers off.

“I’d say so. Guess I just over did.” Cat sipped at the Gatorade. “I’m feeling better.”

Jamie looked confused. “Why do you have to monitor your pressure? Sid? Cat?”

“It’s just a normal pregnancy thing, Jay. Nothing to worry about. Dr. Wexler said it would be a good thing to keep an eye on it, that’s all. So I can either go in to the office once a week or Sid or you can check it. Sid got into the habit of checking it for me while he was home all those weeks.”

“High blood pressure isn’t a normal pregnancy thing. Is it?” Jamie was skeptical of Cat’s nonchalant answer.

“Sometimes. Yes. Nothing to worry about, though. I just need to not overdo”

Jamie didn’t think doing a few household chores was overdoing it, not for an athlete like Cat. “Do we need to have someone here with you? When Sid and I are on the road?”

“No. You don’t.” Cat assured him. “You’re over-reacting, Jay. It’s nothing. Really.”

Jamie looked to Sid, who nodded in agreement with Cat.

Jamie wasn’t convinced. Cat’s blood pressure was still above normal, even after she’d been lying on the floor for who knows how long. He let it go for now. If they were both telling him it was okay, he’d get nowhere arguing. He wondered just how much he didn’t really know about how things were.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

March in Pittsburgh was cold and wet. Snow alternated with rain and sleet most days, making it dreary and miserable. Jamie was thankful that they were at home for most of their 15 games scheduled for the month, meaning he would be around to keep a watchful eye on Cat. He’d have preferred if she’d let him just wait on her hand and foot, but she insisted on doing things for herself.

She didn’t like being trapped in the house, she said. So, one day a week she would go out and run errands or go to lunch, spending some time alone. Jamie offered several times to drive her, but Cat refused. 

After a couple of weeks, Jamie noticed that when Cat would get home on her ‘me days’ she and Sidney would disappear for a short time. He guessed it was just so Sid could check her BP, but why would they need to go off and do that in private. Something was up and he was going to find out what.

The 25th was the first day that seemed like spring has at hand, warm and sunny. Cat went for a walk while the boys were at practice. She came home and started fixing some lunch for all of them, knowing they’d wait and eat with her when they got home. 

It was just a light practice day, she thought maybe it was even optional. Sid, still working on getting back to full strength even though he’d been playing for almost three weeks, wouldn’t take the option. That meant Jamie probably wouldn’t either. Which meant they’d be hungry, really hungry.

She took out some chicken, pepper, onions and a head of lettuce to clean. Fajitas sounded good to her. She puttered around the kitchen getting everything ready. The last thing she prepped was the chicken, cutting it into bite size pieces and dropping it in the skillet. She picked out the seasonings she wanted and added them. While that was cooking, she decided to get out the other items she needed.

She went to the fridge and pulled out a package of spinach and herb tortilla shells and set them on the table. Then she went back to get some cheese, sour cream and salsa. She had to bend over to get the cheese out of one of the drawers. When she stood back up, the room started spinning. Before she could get to a chair, everything went black.

The smell of burnt food hit them as they walked in the front door.

“Wow, Cat really burnt something.” Jamie remarked as he kicked off his shoes. 

He was about to chirp Cat about her cooking as they walked into the kitchen, but his words stuck in his throat. Jamie rushed over and dropped down to his knees by an unconscious Cat. 

“Cat! Cat!” He repeated, gently shaking her shoulders. When he got no response, he checked her pulse and breathing. “She’s breathing.” He stated, looking up at Sid, who was already dialing 911.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She woke up in the hospital emergency room surrounded by nurses. She rolled her head back and forth, looking around the room. Jamie hovered nearby. She couldn’t see Sid.

“Well, hello.” Said one of the nurses.   
“What happened?” Cat asked, her throat a little dry. She brought her hand up to her face, touching the nasal cannula that was putting out a steady flow of oxygen. She glanced from the nurse to the monitor she heard beeping just over her shoulder. There was a second monitor on the other side that she knew was monitoring the baby’s vital signs. 

“We’re trying to figure that out. Jamie tells us you’ve been having problems with your blood pressure, so that may be the issue. We’ve paged Dr. Wexler, she should be here soon. You’re vitals all look good, and the baby is doing fine. So, we’re just waiting on her to see what she wants done.”

The nurses all filtered out and Jamie made his way over to stand next to the bed.

“Don’t say it.”

“It’s not fucking nothing, is it?”

“It’s just high blood pressure, Jay. Dr. Wexler’s been monitoring it. She hasn’t wanted to put me on any medication, but I think that’ll change.”

“What happened? What were you doing?”

“Nothing. Fixing lunch. I bent over and when I stood back up, I passed out.”

“You fell. You could have gotten hurt, or the baby could have gotten hurt.”

“I’m fine. The baby’s fine.” Cat raised her head to look around again. “Where’s Sid?”

“Talking to his mom. He’s making flight arrangements. She’s flying down to stay with you.”

“She doesn’t need to do that. I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. And I’m not arguing about this. Sid and I leave tomorrow for a three-game road trip. And unless you want to stay in here for the whole time, Trina is going to stay with you.”

Cat started to protest, but Jamie cut her off.

“I’ve looked up what can go wrong Cat. There’s no way I’m letting you be alone. Look, not only could you have gotten hurt, but you’re lucky you didn’t burn the house down. Whatever was in the pan was burnt to a crisp.”

“Sid feels the same way?”

“Yes. That’s why we called his mom. She’ll come stay until we can make arrangements for a live-in nurse.”

“I don’t need a fucking nurse, Jay. I’m fine.” Cat argued, trying to sit up in bed. When she changed position, she got dizzy again. “Whoa. Okay.”

She laid back down and Jamie called for one of the nurses. 

“Yeah, we saw it. When you sat up you’re BP went up. How do you feel now, lying down?” The nurse asked.  
“Okay. I’m guessing that’s not a good thing.”

“No. It happens sometimes with pregnancies. Blood pressure either runs high, or more commonly, runs low. You might just need some bed rest until the baby is born.”

“See,” Jamie said, “bed rest means you need to have someone there to take care of you.”

“Fuck.” Cat lamented.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Wexler ordered bed rest, at least for a week. And, she prescribed something to help lower Cat’s blood pressure. Jamie felt better, knowing what was wrong and that Dr. Wexler was on top of it. Trina arrived the next morning and Sid skipped practice to pick her up at the airport.

Jamie skipped practice to bring Cat home from the hospital. Dr. Wexler had kept her overnight just for observation. Cat gave him the cold shoulder the whole way home, not saying a word. When they got to the house, she went straight upstairs and closed her bedroom door.

Sidney apologized to his mom, who just smiled and said something about hormones and that it would be fine. She told the boys not to worry and ushered them out the door so they didn’t miss their flight.


	21. Caring for Cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Your parents want to come.”
> 
> “No fucking way! Un uh… absolutely not happening!”
> 
> “Why? Your mom wants to come and stay with you. If you’re so against us hiring a nurse, then why not let her be here instead? Then it’s not some stranger. If you’re okay, you don’t need a nurse. That’s what you keep saying anyway.”

“I’m allowed to get out of bed, Jay.” Cat informed him as he followed her down the stairs. “BP’s been fine for a week. You heard what Dr. Wexler said yesterday. Just take it easy.”

Jamie and Sid had gotten back from the road trip two days ago. All three had gone to see Dr. Wexler the next day for a follow-up appointment from Cat’s visit to the ER. It had included another sonogram, just to make sure baby Crosby was still doing okay. Dr. Wexler had said everything was fine. She had said Cat wasn’t confined to bed any more. But Jamie wasn’t having it.

“Why don’t you just stay in bed? I’ll fix breakfast and bring it up.”

“Because I’ve been trapped up there for a week. Trina having to wait on me. I just want to fix my own breakfast, okay?”

“No. It’s not okay.”

Cat made her way to the kitchen. Sid and his mom sat at the table, eating some waffles that looked and smelled wonderful to Cat.

“Are those your pecan waffles, Trina?” Cat asked, ignoring Jamie. “They smell great.”

“The batter and waffle iron are all ready to go.” Trina said, not offering to fix Cat’s waffles. She’d heard more than enough complaints from Cat all week about having to have someone take care of her. She remembered what it was like to be pregnant and moody, and she hadn’t even had difficult pregnancies.

“Awesome.” Cat went about fixing her waffles. “Jay, want me to make some for you?”

“No. I want you to sit down and let me do it.” Jamie tried to reach for the bowl of batter, but Cat held it away from him.

“Jamie. Give up already.” Sid cautioned him. “You aren’t winning this battle.”

Jamie glared at Sid, huffed, and walked out of the kitchen.

“He worried himself sick all week.” Sid sipped at his coffee. “Had a hard time keeping his mind on his game. Just so you know.”

“He doesn’t need to mother hen me.”

“Then we need to tell him everything. Cause I’m telling you that his mind’s working overtime worrying about you.”

“He doesn’t know?” Trina says, surprised that Sid would withhold anything from Jamie after the problems they’d had early in their relationship because of miscommunications. "I don't know if that's a good thing. You should tell him, Sidney. If something happens and he finds out..."

“No. He doesn’t know everything. And he’s not going to know unless something happens.” Cat stated rather emphatically.

Sid looked at his mom and shrugged his shoulders. “I have to agree with Cat on this one. It would only make it worse.”

"You know, I can see why Jamie loves you both. You are just alike. Stubborn. And so sure you think you know what's best for him." Sid started to say something, but she waved her hand at him. "Don't even, Sidney Patrick. You know I'm right, but I'll stay out of the middle of this. You just remember that I warned you."

Cat sat down with her plate of waffles and a glass of juice.

"Ouch. Middle name." She poked at him.

“Whatever. I might agree with you about not saying anything, but I agree with Jamie that we need to have someone here to stay with you while we travel. It’ll make him feel better if someone’s here with you. And that'll make me feel better.” Sid informed Cat.

“Alright. I’ll talk to him.” She looked at Trina hopefully. “Any chance you can stay for a couple of months?”

“I can stay for another week, but then I have to go home for a few weeks. I have commitments for women’s hockey that I can’t get out of.” Trina shook her head sadly. “I’d love to be able to stay here longer, though.”

“I’d like that, too.” Cat said wistfully. “Okay. So, we hire someone. I’ll tell Jay after I eat.”  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“Your parents want to come.”

“No fucking way! Un uh… absolutely not happening!”

“Why? Your mom wants to come and stay with you. If you’re so against us hiring a nurse, then why not let her be here instead? Then it’s not some stranger. If you’re okay, you don’t need a nurse. That’s what you keep saying anyway.”

Cat sat on the couch, kneading the pillow in her lap, clearly agitated with Jamie. He was twisting her words around against her.

“I am fine. But if I have to choose, I’m taking a nurse over my parents.”

“Why? Not even your mom? You don’t want her coming?”

Cat leaned back and brought the pillow up to cover her face. She screamed into it.

They’d been having this conversation for a half-hour, going around and round. The bottom line was that Cat didn’t want a full-time babysitter, didn’t think she needed one. Jamie and Sid did.

“Look,” Jamie sat down next to her, “I don’t want you to be so upset. But we need to have somebody here with you. I need it. I don’t want something to happen to you while Sid and I are gone. Can’t you understand that.”

Cat picked up on his words. He didn’t want something to happen to her. Not the baby. She let it sink in, the meaning behind it, the look of fear on Jamie’s face. The same look of loss in his eyes she’d seen after Kyle’s death, after his parent’s death. It was all right there… the ‘I can’t lose another person I love’ look.

But that didn’t stop her from continuing to object. Maybe if she changed directions.

“You’d be okay with my parents coming? With them living here? After what he did?”

“Yes.” Jamie said firmly. “I forgave him. I had to.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“He saved my life, Cat. What happened, what Kicks did. I’ve thought about it so much. Kicks did it because of Kicks, because he thought it was his only option. I have to believe that or it was going to kill me. The whole guilt that I couldn’t stop him. Your dad felt the same way. We talked about it, after I went through my treatment at Parkerson. And I told him to forgive himself for it, too.”

“You had to forgive him?”

“I had to. It was going to kill me.”

Cat looked confused. “I don’t get that.”

“My past. Holding on to it. The pain. The hate. My fears. It was going to kill me. At some point, I was going to hurt myself. So, I had to make peace with parts of my life. With myself. With him. With Kicks. With my… with James. Some of it I did a while ago. Some of it more recently.”

“I don’t think I could do that.” Cat admitted.

“Why?” Jamie slipped an arm behind her shoulders and she leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder. “It’s not that hard. Look. I understand why you feel the way you do. But I decided when we started all this that I really want our baby to know his or her grandparents, both sets of them. I want your mom and dad to be a part of the baby’s life. And I want you to be okay with that.”

Something her father said came back to Cat. He’s a very forgiving young man.

“I know you asked them to sign away their rights. I’ve been wanting to talk to you about that.” Jamie goes on. “I want you to tear up that agreement. We don’t need it. They aren’t going to challenge us, or you, for custody.”

Jamie kissed the top of her head and ran his hand up and down her arm. “I know you’ve talked to Sid, about not staying after the baby is born.”

She lifted her head, looking at him. “I don’t…”

“It’s okay. I get it. This whole thing has been all about what I want. You and Sid, you’ve given in to me on everything. And that’s not right. So, if you don’t want to be a part of this after the baby’s born. That’s fine. But I still want your mom and dad to know their grandchild. So, I’m gonna ask you for this one last thing. Then you can do whatever after the baby is born. Let them come. Let your mom take care of you for a while. A few weeks. Then Trina can come back and stay until the baby is born. Or, maybe Taylor will come. She’ll be done with school soon.”

Cat dropped her head back to his shoulder. She took the hand Jamie had been running over her arm into hers and held it against her belly. She took a deep breath.

“Okay. I’ll call and ask them to come.” She sighed. “And for the record. I want to stay, Jay. I do. We’ll make this all work. Okay. I’ll try with my dad. If it’s that important to you. I’ll try.”  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------  
“Hello, honey.” Diane St. Croix gave Jamie a hug and kiss on the cheek.

“Jamie.” Luc shook his hand. “Thank you for picking us up.”

“No problem. This time of year, it gets easier to ask to opt out of practice.” Jamie smiled at them. “Let’s throw your luggage in the back and get home. You probably just want to relax after your flight, huh. It always seems like such a long flight from Edmonton.”

“Yes, it does.” Diane agreed.

Jamie and Luc loaded their luggage in the back of the Rover. Jamie drove it because it had more room in the backseat than his Jeep. Diane was already sitting back there when Jamie and Luc climbed into the front seats. Jamie pulled away from the passenger pick-up area and headed for Sewickley.

“We’ll be home in about twenty minutes. Traffic’s pretty light today actually.”

“How did you manage this?” Luc asked.

“I’m not sure. We talked. I explained some things to her and well, she agreed.” Jamie said, being vague on purpose.

“She’s always had trouble saying no to you.” Diane said softly. “You know how hard it was for her not to go to Anaheim with you.”

“I guess. But really, I know it wouldn’t have worked. Too much pain there then.”

He glanced over at Luc who had a grim look on his face.

“No more about that though. Past is the past, remember. I’m glad you could come.” Jamie said, sounding truly happy about having them there. That seemed to lighten the mood and he saw Luc turn around and smile at his wife.

“We’re glad, too.” Diane said.

“Yes.” Luc added. “I don’t know how you did it, but thank you. Thank you for a chance to have Cat back in my life.”

“I wouldn’t thank me just yet. She’s not been a pleasant camper these last few days as we got closer to you getting here. I’m not sure this won’t all blow up in my face.” Jamie admitted to him.

Luc was silent for a moment. “Knowing my daughter, yes, there is always that chance.”


	22. Living with Luc

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You have barely said one word to him. You could try to at least be civil.” He ripped some lettuce off the cleaned head, a little angrily.
> 
> “I’m civil.”
> 
> “Civil? You can barely be in the same room with him.”
> 
> She walked over and put the milk carton back in the fridge, then she came to lean against the counter next to Jamie. Her back to the counter. Her arms folded over her chest. A determined look in her eye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw... just some talk about past suicide (Kicks) and attempts (Jamie)

“It’s only been one day.”  Jamie spread mayonnaise on a piece of bread as he talked to her.  

“One day too long.”  Cat poured them each a glass of milk, then poured some ice tea for the others.  “The things I have to endure because of you.”

He set the bread knife down and piled the pieces of grilled chicken on the bread next. Luc and Diane were in the living room with Sid.  Jamie and Cat were fixing sandwiches for lunch for everyone. 

“Endure?  That’s a rather strong word.”  Jamie rolled his eyes at her. 

“You have no idea, Jay.”

“You have barely said one word to him.  You could try to at least be civil.”  He ripped some lettuce off the cleaned head, a little angrily.

“I’m civil.”

“Civil?  You can barely be in the same room with him.”

She walked over and put the milk carton back in the fridge, then she came to lean against the counter next to Jamie.  Her back to the counter.  Her arms folded over her chest.  A determined look in her eye.

“How can you stand it?  How can you be so nice to him?”

“I told you how.”  Jamie practically slammed the top slice of bread down on each sandwich.  “Fuck it.  You said you’d try.  They think they should just leave.”

“They should.”

“They just fucking got here yesterday. You know what. No.  You just need to accept it, Cat.  He’s here.  Your mom’s here.  They’re staying until Trina or Taylor can come.”  Jamie stormed over to a cabinet by the sink and grabbed some plates.  He came back and set them down on the counter, loudly.

“Everything okay?”  Sid called from the living room.

“Fine.”  Jamie yelled back.  Then he turned to Cat again.  “I’m sorry.”

“No.  I should be.  I told you I’d try.  I guess I should, huh.” 

Jamie picked up the tray of sandwiches and plates, while Cat carried the drinks into the living room.  Sid raised his eyebrow at Jamie, questioning him without words.  Jamie just shook his head slightly and mouthed, ‘don’t worry’ at Sid.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Where’s Jay?”  Cat asked her mother a few days later.

“Upstairs, I think.  He and Sid asked your father to help them with something.”

The boys had gotten in late last night from a short two-day road trip.  It was April and the regular season was winding down quickly.  They only had four games left, all at home.  Then it would be on to the playoffs.  Right now, they were sitting in second in their division, just four points behind the Rangers and two points ahead of the Capitals.  It would be a tight race to the end of the season to determine final seating for the play-offs.

Jamie had said at breakfast, well, when he’d finally wandered back downstairs after he got home from his run, that he and Sid wanted to try and get some things done while they were home.  Baby things.  It would be a distraction from the stress of hockey he said.

Cat wandered upstairs to find them.  She heard laughing coming from the master bedroom, she stopped outside the door and listened.

“Are there supposed to be this many parts?”  Jamie asked.  “It seems like a lot.”

“We’re good as long as there aren’t any left over when we get done.”  Sid replied.  “Are you sure you know how to read the instructions?”

“I think I got this handled.”  That was her father.  “Okay, you take the headboard first…”

“Is that this one?” Jamie again.

“No.  I think it’s this one.”  Sid.

“And you’ll need the wood dowel and the cam bolts.”  Her dad.

“The what?”

“Cam bolts.” 

“What’s that?”

“Those things there.  Didn’t you ever put anything together with Bill?”

“Nope.  This is my first try at construction.”

“Sidney?”

“No.  You’re working with a couple of rookies.”

“Lord help me.”

Cat smiled.  They were putting the baby crib together she guessed.  She knew that Jamie had been worried about it, they were going to get Kris or someone with kids to come help, but that hadn’t happened yet. 

She stuck her head in the room.  “Do you men need a woman to show you how to do it?”

“Hey, come help.”  Jamie smiled up at her cheerfully. 

Cat went in and sat down on the edge of the bed next to her father.  Jamie saw Luc tense up right away.

“Here, you can help the boys.”  He said, handing Cat the instructions.  “I’ll go see what your mother is doing.”

Luc stood up.  Jamie glared at Cat.

“Um.  Stay.  I think we can use all the help we can get with this.”  Cat offered before her father could leave.

“Are you sure?” Luc sounded nervous.

“Yeah.  Stay.  I talk a good game, but I’m probably as inept as these two when it comes to assembling furniture.”  She smiled at her father.  “Please.”

Luc sat back down and took one side of the instruction sheet in hand while Cat held the other side so they could both read it. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

“Did Dad go with the boys this morning?”  Cat sat down at the kitchen table to watch her mom do the dishes from breakfast.  “Jamie said something about asking him to go to practice with them.”

“Yes.  Jamie asked him.  Your father wasn’t sure how it would go over, but Jamie told him he’d like him to come.”

“I don’t know how he does it.”  Cat said under her breath.

“What’s that dear?”

“Nothing.”  She said, then changed her mind.  “No.  Okay.  I said, I don’t know how Jay does it.  How he can stand to be around him.”

Her mom started the dishwasher and came to sit down across the table from Cat.

“Jamie and your father made their peace.  It was after Jamie was in treatment, the Pens’ next trip to Edmonton.  He came to see us and they sat and talked for quite some time.  We’ve told you, your father’s not the same person.”

“But.  Everything he did to them.  To Kyle.  I always wondered how you could stay with him.”

“It’s how we were raised, honey.  His parents.  Mine.  It was a different time and they were very bigoted people.  He didn’t know any different.  He didn’t know how to treat Kyle.  ”  She folded her arms on the table.  “I almost left him.  After Kyle died.  I blamed him.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“We went to counseling.  Both of us together and each alone.  We talked about everything.  He was so, sorry, so hurt by what had happened.  After the anger left him that is.  You were gone then and didn’t see it.”

“I guess.”  Cat sighed. 

“When he found Jamie that morning, he almost had a heart attack himself he got so worried and upset.  He felt like what Jamie did was his fault, just like Kyle.  He had a hard time after that.  I think, had Jamie died, too, I’d have lost him.”

“You mean he’d have left you?”

“No.  I mean, I think your father would have killed himself, too.  Over the guilt.”  She reached out and laid her hand on Cat’s arm.  “That’s what Jamie talked to him about that day.  The guilt Jamie felt over Kyle’s death.”

“Jay wasn’t responsible.  Dad was.” 

“No.  Honey, no.  Jamie needed to learn and so did your father, that Kyle did what he did, because of himself.  You didn’t see it.  He was so unhappy, even before he went away to play.  It didn’t have to do with your father.  Kyle was never happy with who he was, and not just being gay.”

“Because of Dad.”

“Because of Kyle.” 

Cat just shook her head.

“I wish we’d have done something to help him.  Before, when he first knew he was gay.  Or even before then.  Kyle was always such a sad boy.  Except for when he was with Jamie.  I wish we’d recognized the signs, but hindsight is twenty-twenty and you can’t change the past.”

“I think Jay’s tried to tell me all this.  Has told me this.  But I wouldn’t listen.”

“He’s become a fine young man.  Bill and Jean would be so proud of him.”

“Yes.  They would.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Mom!”  Cat shouts from the stairs.  “Mom!  I need you.”

Luc comes rushing to her.  “She’s gone to the grocery store.  What’s wrong.”

“Are Jamie or Sid home yet?”  Cat’s sitting on the stairs, half-way down.  She had her head between her knees as best she could.

“No.  What’s wrong?”  Luc rested a hand on her back.

“I wanted some tea.  I got up and when I started down the stairs I got dizzy.”

“Let me go get the BP kit.  You just sit here.”  Luc hurried down the steps and disappeared for a few minutes.  He reappeared with the kit. 

“175 over 100.  Caitlyn, that’s way too high.”

“No kidding.”

“Did you take your medicine?  Maybe we should call an ambulance, or your doctor at least.”

“No.  It’ll be fine.  Can you just help me down to the couch?”  Cat stood and leaned against her father as they walked to the living room.  He got her down on the couch, putting some pillows under her feet and helping her prop them up.  Cat let herself lean against the back of the couch and the armrest, her eyes closed.

“What can I do?  Do you need something?”

“Some ice water, I guess.  Thank you.”

Luc brought her a glass and just set it on the coffee table.  He sat down at the end of the couch by her feet.  He picked them up and put them across his lap, slowly he began rubbing her feet.

“Your mother used to love this when she was pregnant with you,” he paused, “and Kyle.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.  Is this okay?”

“Yeah.  Thank you.” 

“Feel better?  Still dizzy?”

“No.  It’s going away.”

“Okay.  You just lay there and relax then.”

Cat opened her eyes and looked at her father.  His head was down and he had a serious look on his face as he concentrated on massaging her feet. 

“I’m worried.”  She said softly.  “I’m afraid it’s going to happen again.”

Luc turned his face to her, concern in his eyes, also.  “I know, honey.  Your mother and I are, too.  All you can do is to try and rest as much as possible, and take your meds.  And, pray, I guess.”

“Pray?  I’ve never known you to be a religious man.”

“I did a lot of soul searching after your brother, after Kyle died.  I don’t know that I’m any more religious, but, maybe a little more, I don’t know, spiritual, I guess you could say.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Has the baby still been kicking?  Cause that’s a good sign that she’s okay.”  Luc said, changing the subject.

“Yep.”  Cat smiled at him.  “You should have seen Jamie and Sid the first time they were here when it happened.  They were all giggles.  They sat for over an hour with their hands on my belly and every time she’d kick the two of them would laugh and laugh.  She really likes it when Jamie plays his guitar and sings for her.  She gets really active then.”

“They’re good boys.  They’ll be good fathers.”  Luc looked away.  “Better than I was, I’m sure.”

Cat closes her eyes, not sure what to say to him.  Just then, the baby kicks.

“Hey, give me your hand.”  She says to Luc, taking it and placing it on the side of her belly.  “Wait for it.”

“Oh my, wow.  That’s some power there!”  Luc grinned at her when the baby kicked again.  “She’s gonna be quite an athlete I bet, just like her mother.”

“Maybe she’ll be a goalie?”  Cat laughed.  “Nah, more likely a forward like her daddies.”

“Well, she’s inheriting good hockey genes from both sides of her family either way.”  Luc smiles.

“Maybe,” Cat’s voice softens.  “Maybe we’ll bring her up to Edmonton.  You can give her skating lessons on the pond.”

Luc looks away for a moment, then turns to look at his daughter, a soft, warm smile on his lips.  “I’d like that.  I’d like that very much.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Is your family going to be here for the first round, Sidney?”  Diane asks.  They’re all sitting around the dinner table at the Lemieux house.

“I think so.  I’m not sure.”  Sid replies.  “Mom had some things scheduled, but she was going to try and change them.”

“Oh, I see.”  Diane sounded disappointed.

“Would you and Dad want to stay, even though Trina will be back?”  Cat offered.  “For the playoffs, I mean.  Or, until the baby’s born, even?”

Sid, Jamie, Mario and Nathalie all turned their heads towards her in shock at her question.

“Um, I don’t know if we can.  Luc?”  Diane looked at her husband hopefully.

“I don’t know.”  Luc hesitated.  “Are you sure it wouldn’t be a problem?”

“No problem.”  Mario said.  “Troy and Trina can stay in the guest house.  They won’t care, right, Sid?”

“Uh, no,” Sid stammered, glancing at Jamie who still looked utterly confused.  “I mean, right.  They’ll stay over here.”

“Jay?”  Cat bumped his leg under the table.  “You care if they stay?”

“Uh, no.” Jamie said weakly, then he gained his composure.  “No.  I think that would be great.  I think we could find them tickets to the games.”

“My box is always open to family.”  Mario stated.

“Well then, I guess that settles it.”  Cat smiled at her father.  “You’re staying for the playoffs.”

Diane’s face lit up, “And we’ll get to be here when the baby’s born!  Oh, thank you, honey.”


	23. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We aren’t saying until she’s born.” Sid finished.
> 
> “No. You can’t do that to us.” Trina scoffed. “It’s a grandparent’s right to know beforehand.”
> 
> “I’ve never heard that.” Cat laughed. “But nice try.”
> 
> “Not fair. Not fair at all, Sidney.” Trina huffed, exaggeratedly acting hurt. “Do you think it’s fair, Diane?”
> 
> “Not at all.” Cat’s mother agreed. “I think we should be allowed to know.”
> 
> Trina saw Sid trying to suppress a smile. “Sidney Patrick, all you playing us?”
> 
> Jamie giggled. “You in trouble now, boy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW... talk about a past miscarriage...

“I don’t give a fuck.”  Jamie exclaimed as he and Sid walked through the emergency room doors.  He looked around the waiting area and spied Luc St. Croix.  Jamie hurried over to him, clearly agitated. 

 

“Where is she?  What happened?”

 

“You need to calm down.  She’s fine.  They’re running a couple of tests.  The contractions have stopped and the baby appears to be okay.”

 

All they knew was that Luc had left a message on their phones while they’d been at practice telling them that they needed to get to the hospital right away, that Cat was having contractions.

 

“It’s way too early.  What the fuck.”  Jamie ran his hands through his hair as he rocked nervously back and forth. 

 

“Hey, watch your language.  Too many eyes.”  Sid whispered.

 

“Like I care.”

 

“She’s okay, son.”  Luc tried to reassure him, but Jamie wasn’t going to be appeased until he saw Cat for himself.

 

Sid left Jamie with Luc and walked over to the registration desk.  After speaking with the clerk for a few minutes, he motioned for Luc and Jamie to come over.  One of the security guards escorted the three of them to a private office in the back, away from the public.

 

“They’re letting the ER doc know we’re hear.  They said she’d be in to speak with us as soon as she could.  They’ve been busy this morning.”  Sid explained.

 

Jamie paced back and forth.  Luc and Sid sat, waiting patiently.  The uneasy silence hung heavy in the room.  Finally, the doctor came in.

 

“Mr. Crosby.  I’m Dr. Wheland.”  She shook Sid’s hand when he stood up.  “A pleasure to meet you. I wish it was under different circumstances.”  She turned to Jamie.  “A pleasure to meet you, too.”

 

“What’s going on?”  Jamie inquired, getting straight to the point.  He wasn’t in the mood for pleasantries. 

 

“Why don’t we all sit down.”  She walked around and sat behind the large desk.  Luc, Sid and Jamie took seats opposite her.  “Caitlyn and the baby are both doing fine.  We got the contractions to stop.  We’ve got a call in to Dr. Wexler’s office and I think we’re going to just admit her for observation.”

 

“What happened?  What caused this?”

 

“From what I gather, with what I’ve been told by Caitlyn and Mrs. St. Croix, she’s been having trouble with her blood pressure running high, or spiking at times.  We believe that happened, which stressed the baby and caused the premature contractions.  But as I said, we got them stopped so the baby is in no danger right now.  All of the tests indicate that she is fine.”

 

Jamie took a let out a sigh of relief and bent forward, putting his face in his hands.  Sid reached over and rubbed his back lightly.  They were going to have to tell him.  Things could get rough from this point on.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Complete bed rest.”  Dr. Wexler said.

 

“For three months?  I’ll go nuts.”  Cat protested.  “You have got to be kidding.”

 

“I’m not.  That’s what you may need to do, though.”  Dr. Wexler wasn’t smiling.  “Caitlyn, given what happened last time, it’s imperative that we take extra precautions this time.  You’re having the same issues.  We certainly don’t want the same outcome.”

 

Cat looked down at her hands as she tugged anxiously at the bed sheets. 

 

“You’re right.”  She said, barely audible. 

 

“Okay then.  I think we’ll keep you another day while we adjust the medication, just as a precaution.  Then we’ll go with extremely limited activity.  No stairs.  Nothing at all strenuous.  You can get up and down, but I’d prefer you be in bed or on a couch with your feet up for the most part.  You have someone with you at the house all the time now, right?”

 

Cat nodded her head.  “My parents are here.  Sid’s will be here tomorrow, I think.”

 

“Okay.  I’ll tell the boys and your parents they can come back in now.”

 

It was only a few minutes after Dr. Wexler left that Jamie appeared in Cat’s room.  Alone.  He guardedly approached the bed, waiting until Cat motioned that it was okay before he sat down on the edge of the bed.

 

“Did she tell you?”

 

“Yeah.  Sid was calling his folks.  Luc and Diane went to get some coffee for all of us.”  He nudged her leg with his.  “Well, no coffee for you.”

 

That got her to smile.  She bumped his leg back. 

 

“So.  Are you going to tell me what everyone else seems to already know?”  His tone changed, all hints of kidding put aside.   “Your parents don’t seem surprised by all this.  I heard your mom say not again.  Want to explain that?”

 

“No.”  She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.  Thinking of what to say, of how much to say.  “But, I guess it’s time to come clean.  I was pregnant before.  And… I lost the baby.”

 

“When?  How?”

“Before.  Same kind of issues with my blood pressure.  I lost the baby when I was nearly seven months along, I went into labor and the stress of my blood pressure being high caused complications.  He was still born.”

“He?  A little boy.”  Jamie laid his hand on hers, squeezing lightly.  “I’m sorry.  I’m really sorry, Cat.  If I’d have known I wouldn’t have asked you to do this.”

“It’s okay.  I should have told you before.  That it would be higher risk.”  She took his hand and twined their fingers together.  “I wanted to do this.  I wanted to try.  I thought if I was extra diligent about my health and what I ate, what I did, that it would be okay.  I guess I was wrong.”

“The baby’s okay.  Wexler said she was okay.”  Jamie fretted.

“Yeah, the baby’s okay.  We just need to be extra-cautious from this point on, to reduce the risk.  That may mean that I’m on complete bed rest.”

“Okay.  And, we’ll hire a nurse to come and stay and…”

“We don’t need a nurse.  Not yet.”  She tugged his hand.  “No need to hit the panic button just yet, Jay.  My mom and dad, Sid’s parents, it’ll be okay with just them helping out.  For now, okay?”

“Okay.  But whatever you need.  Whenever you need it.  All you do is ask.”  He tried to smile, but the worry wouldn’t be erased from his features.  “So, um.  Was that why your marriage ended?  Because of the miscarriage.”

She nodded.  There was no need for him to know the whole truth.  If that’s what he thought, that it had been when she was married and not before, then she’d let him believe that.  It’s what Sid believed, so that wouldn’t be a problem.  Only her parents would know the truth, and they were sworn to secrecy.

“It created problems.  I wasn’t in a good place and it pushed us apart.  Then, I came home because you needed me.”  She saw him start to say something.  “Hey, no, my marriage ended before that.  It was pretty much over already when I was home for Kyle’s funeral.  We just hadn’t admitted it to each other.  It wasn’t your fault, didn’t have anything to do with you.  So, don’t even think that.”

“Okay.”  Jamie stood up.  “Scoot over.”

He slipped onto the bed next to her when she moved over to make room.  His arm draped behind her and she nestled her head onto his shoulder, pressing tight against him.  Jamie stroked her hair.

“It’ll be okay, right?  You’ll rest.  We’ll take care of you.  Three months will fly by and then our girl will be here and it’ll be great.”

“Yep, it’ll fly by.  And we’ll be a family.”  She tipped her head to look at him.  “Strangest family I’ve ever known, but still a family.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was a warm night in Pittsburgh for it only being mid-April.  They all sat on the deck at Sid and Jamie’s, enjoying the warn evening with dessert and coffee outside.  Sid’s family had flown in that morning and Cat had gotten home from the hospital.  Everyone was there finally.

The playoffs started the next day, with the Pens facing the Caps in the opening round.  Pittsburgh had ended up the number two seed, to Washington’s number three seed, which would give them home ice advantage at least for the first round.  Jamie and Sid were eager to get the games started, both hungry for another Cup.

Jamie lazily strummed a few chords on his guitar, not really playing anything specific.  Luc was talking with Troy about putting together some more baby furniture.  Trina, Taylor and Diane were talking about shopping for baby clothes, as if Trina had not already bought enough to clothe the baby in a new outfit twenty times a day for the first year.  Cat was taking it all in, sitting on a chaise lounge with her feet propped up. 

Sid came out with another pot of coffee and a pot of decaf tea for Cat.  He was carrying the tray in one hand, talking on the phone with his other.

“No, I’ll ask, wait a minute.”  He looked at Cat.  “I’m supposed to ask you if you are okay with waiting and having the baby shower after the playoffs.”

“Of course.  Like you’re going to have time for it before then.  It’ll just be a distraction for you and Jay.”

“I’m not going to a baby shower.”  Jamie chimed in.  “I did my duty.  I let them have a bridal shower for me.”

“You are going.”  Diane scolded him.  “You and Sidney.  So maybe we should wait.”

“Nat?”  Sid said into the phone.  “Your thoughts?  Uh huh.  Yeah.  No.  No, that would be good, too.  Yeah, I think that’s a plan.  Okay.  Thanks.  Yeah, I’ll tell them.  Okay.  Thanks again.  Je t’aime.”

“Well, what’s the word?”  Trina asked.

“She and the others think that it might be good to do it during the playoffs anyway, said it would be a good distraction from the stress.  She’ll have it over there.”

“Okay.  I’ll call her tomorrow and see if we can help with anything.”  Trina said, motioning to Taylor and Diane.  “I think Nathalie is right.  You get a bit up tight this time of year.  A nice afternoon at a baby shower will be just the thing.”  She winked at Sid, who groaned and rolled his eyes.

Sid poured coffee and tea for everyone and then went to sit on the love seat next to Jamie.

“Okay.  So, I’m dying to know.  If you’ll tell us what names you’ve picked out.”  Trina asked hopefully.

“Yes.  I’d like to know that, too.”  Diane added.

“Well…”  Jamie started.

“We aren’t saying until she’s born.”  Sid finished.

“No.  You can’t do that to us.”  Trina scoffed.  “It’s a grandparent’s right to know beforehand.”

“I’ve never heard that.”  Cat laughed.  “But nice try.”

“Not fair.  Not fair at all, Sidney.”  Trina huffed, exaggeratedly acting hurt.  “Do you think it’s fair, Diane?”

“Not at all.”  Cat’s mother agreed.  “I think we should be allowed to know.”

Trina saw Sid trying to suppress a smile.  “Sidney Patrick, all you playing us?”

Jamie giggled.  “You in trouble now, boy.”

“Well.  We’ve talked about a lot of names before we found out the baby’s gender.”  Sid began.

“A fucking lot.”  Jamie added.  Sid smacked him playfully on the back of the head.  “Hey!”

“Anyway.  We could never agree, yeah, I know, imagine that. Finally, we decided to flip a coin, to see who got to pick the names.  But somebody,” He smacked Jamie again, “didn’t think that was fair.  So, we ended up drawing slips of paper.  One said boy.  One said girl.”

“I got the girl slip.”  Jamie grinned, puffing himself up like he'd won the lottery. 

“So, you got to pick the name?”  Trina asked.

“Yep.”

“I’d have gotten to pick if we were having a boy.”  Sid said.

“So?  Please?”  Trina begged.  “Tell us?”

“Okay.  I picked out several names.  I thought about Patrick, or Troy.”  His dad smiled at that, looking pleased.  “But.  You all know by now that I can’t say no to a certain pair of green, puppy dog eyes.”

There was a lot of chuckling at that.

“So, if it had been a boy, his name would have been Kyle Patrick Crosby.”  Sid leaned over and kissed Jamie’s cheek.  Jamie was beaming.

“He has you so whipped.”  Taylor chuckled, rolling her eyes at Sid. 

“Stop that, Taylor.”  Trina scolded her youngest.  “I think that would have been a lovely name.  And a lovely thing to do for Jamie.  So, Jamie, what name did you pick?”

“For me, there wasn’t ever really much of a decision to be made.  Kyle for a boy.  Kylie for a girl.  So, Kylie Marie Crosby.”

He saw the tears forming as Diane’s eyes glistened. 

“I’m gonna cry,” she said.  She wiped her eyes a few times, trying to hold back the tears.

“Marie?”  Taylor questioned.

“It’s Caitlyn’s middle name.”  Luc injected, coming over to sit next to his wife.  He wrapped his arm around her.  “That’s a beautiful name.”

“Yeah,” Cat smiled over at her parents.  “I think it’s a good name, don’t you Mom?”

“Yes.  Yes.”  Diana mumbled.  “Oh Jamie.  Thank you.”


	24. Freckles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex: Yes. I calling you new nickname. Vesnushki.
> 
> Jamie: Yeah. Asshole.
> 
> Alex: No. Freckles.
> 
> Jamie: What?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another happy, light, fun chapter... where in Jamie gets set up by a couple of Russians and his husband...

“What is word on baby Crosby?”  Alex cornered Jamie outside the Pens locker room as Jamie made his way back in after their morning skate.

“Nice to see you, too, Alex.”  Jamie stopped and let Alex lead him a little way from the locker room doors.  “Geno said you had a nice dinner last night at his place.”

“Yes.  Yes.  Mama Malkin made us good Russian dinner.”  Alex’ eyes lit up at the mention of his dinner at Geno’s.  “All good.  Too bad you could not come.  But no more chit chat.  How is baby.  Last text say things not so good.”

“Cat’s been having problems still with her blood pressure and stuff.  But she’s been trying to rest more.”  Jamie told him.  “All’s okay right now.”

“Is good then?  No worry?”

“For now.”

“Good.  Good.  Can’t wait for baby to arrive.  Uncle Sasha spoil her.  Make sure she have lots of red.  Good Caps stuff.”

“I told you, no Capitals stuff.  None.  Not happening.”

“She will know what good team is, just like Nikki.”  He slapped Jamie on the back.  “Time to go skate.  I see you tonight, baby Penguin.  You better bring best game.  You will need it.”

“Whatever.  Tell Nicke I said hi.”  Jamie laughed as he walked to the locker room.

“Cavorting with the enemy?”  Brian eyed Jamie suspiciously when he sat down next to him.

“Alex isn’t the enemy.  You’re just jealous.”

“Right.”  Brian smirked. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Pens took game one 2-1 in overtime.  This series was lining up to be as epic a battle as any series between the two teams had been.  Fights.  Penalties.  And, brutal physicality had marked game one.  For the stars on each team, that was all left on the ice.

The next night, Alex and Nicke, joined Geno and his family for dinner at the Crosby residence.  They grilled chicken, fish and steaks on the back patio, then sat around talking into the evening. 

Geno and Alex spoke a lot in Russian, talking with Geno’s parents and Anna in their native language.  Jamie could pick up a word here or there, but nothing that let him know what they were discussing for sure.  He kept hearing the word vesnuski.  Whenever Alex said it, he’d look at Jamie and laugh.  Geno laughed when he said it.  And, at one point, Alex was talking to Sid and he used that word.  Sid had also laughed about it.

“What were you and Alex laughing about?”  Jamie asked Sid later, as they laid in bed.

“Nothing important.  Alex was just chirpin’ about something Kuznetsov said last night during the game.  He called you an asshole.”  Sid poked Jamie in the side.  “I have no idea why he’d think that.”

“He’s the one who started it.  Cross-checked you.  I was just standing up for your honor.”

“You almost put him in the third row, baby boy.  It was a bit of an over-kill.”

“Whatever.”  Jamie grumbled.  “He’s an asshole.  Dumes calls him cutyournutsoff.”

Sid giggled.  “I haven’t heard him say that.  Really?”

“Yep.  I think it fits.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

Jamie spent part of the next day trying to figure out what vesnushki meant, saying it several times into a translation app on his phone.  He figured he must not have been pronouncing it correctly when the app kept giving him gibberish back.  That afternoon as they were getting ready for the game, he asked Geno about it.

“Did Kuznetsov swear at me in Russian the other night?”

Geno grinned.  “Yes.  Evgeny call you asshole.  That what Alex said.”

“Was that what you and Alex were laughing about last night?”  Jamie inquired further.  “Was that the word he kept repeating when he’d look at me?”

“Word is new nickname, Alex say.  Just for you.” 

“Fuckin’ Russian.  That’s not gonna fly as a nickname.”  Jamie swore, but it came out more as an affectionate term than anything else. 

Jamie had not said the word to Geno, who looked puzzled.  “Is not bad nickname.  Is good nickname for you.”

“Eff you, too, G.”  Jamie laughed.

All during warm-ups, Jamie glared across the ice at Alex and Kuznetsov.    
  
It wasn’t until mid-way through the first period that Jamie got the opportunity to return the chirp to Kuznetsov.  He had him pinned against the boards as they fought for the puck.  Once it finally squirted out, Jamie turned to skate away, but before he did, he shouted at Kuznetsov.

“Vesnushki!”  Jamie called over his shoulder.

Instead of a pissed off look, the Russian had a look of confusion on his face.

Jamie called him that word several more times throughout the game.  Each time brought more confused looks.  Jamie saw him talking to Alex during a TV time out in the third period.  He nodded a few times and pointed at Jamie.  Alex was chuckling.

It was another hard-fought affair, going right down to the last minute before the Capitals were able to score the go-ahead goal.  The series would head to Washington tied at one game each.

Jamie was upset about the loss, but he was feeling pretty good about having chirped at Kuznetsov, in Russian.

They split the games in D.C. and came back to Pittsburgh for game five.  Jamie had kept up his chirping of the Russian forward every time they were on the ice together.  Whereas he’d looked confused the first few times Jamie called him a vesnushki, by game five he was starting to be annoyed.  At least he looked annoyed to Jamie.  He slammed Jamie into the boards a few times, so that lent credence to the idea it was bothering him.  At the end of the game, though, the Pens were up three games to two with a chance to put the series away in Washington.

The next day, on the flight to D.C., Jamie got a text from Alex.

Alex: _Why you trying to chirp young Zhenya in Russian?  You not good at it.  Need to just stick to hockey.  But you not very good at that either._

Jamie:  _Ha Ha… getting to him am I?  Your boy needs a thicker skin._

Alex:  _He tell me what you saying to him.  It not even fit him._

Jamie:  _He called me one first.  So it fits him._

Alex: _He called you asshole.  Not what you are saying to him._

Jamie:  _You’re just covering for him.  You were calling me it, too.  At dinner last week.  That’s what G said._

Alex:  _What Zhenya tell you?_

Jamie:  _That you decided it was my new nickname._

Alex:  _Yes.  I calling you new nickname.  Vesnushki._

Jamie:  _Yeah.   Asshole._

Alex:  _No.  Freckles._

Jamie:  _What?_

Alex:  _Freckles.  I think and think of new nickname so not call you baby Penguin all time.  Think of cute dots on face you have.  Call you Vesnushki._

Jamie:  _Oh…_

When he gets no other responses from Jamie for a little bit, Alex worries.

Alex:  _Is okay I call you this?  You not mad at me, baby Penguin?  I’m still favorite Russian?  Da?_

Jamie:  _Sorry.  Da. You are now.  I was on the phone with my least favorite Russian.  He seemed to be having great fun with me saying that to Kuznetsov._

Alex:  _I not know why you mad at Zhenya.  Sidney know about nickname, too.  He think it funny._

Jamie:  _Sidney knows what vesnushki means?_

Alex:  _Da.  Sidney know Russian words for many things.  Just not speak good._

Jamie:  _That fucking liar!_

Alex:  _Uh oh.  I’m think I start WWIII in Crosby house. ((((((((((_

Jamie:  _He’s a dead man!_

_\------------------------------------------------------------------_

Jamie strode out of the bathroom of their hotel room clad only in a pair of boxer shorts.  Sid was sitting on the bed in his usual position, back against the headboard, legs stretched out.  He had his arms raised, hands laced behind his head.  He was naked, his erection jutting up against his lower abs.  He had a wicked grin on his face.  That changed to a look of disappointment when Jamie picked up the TV remote and jumped onto the other bed, sprawling out on his stomach with his feet towards the headboard.’

“Um… hello?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Why not?  Jesus, you were all about hotel sex last night.”

“That was last night.  This is today.”

Sid tipped his head at him, totally confused.  He brought his arms down to his sides.  He took his cock in his hand, gently tugging at it, rubbing his palm over the head. 

“Are you sure, baby boy?” 

“Yep.  I’m sure.”  Jamie turned to look over his shoulder at Sid.  “Asshole.”

“What did I do?”  Sid asked.  When Jamie rolled his eyes at him and turned his attention back to the TV, Sid knew exactly what he’d done.  “Damn.  You talked to Sasha.”

“Yep.”  Jamie quipped.  “Fucking asshole.  You said you didn’t know what it meant.”

Sid tried not to laugh at Jamie’s indignation.  He scooted off his bed and kneeled up on Jamie’s bed, straddling his thighs.  He put his hands on Jamie’s back and bent over to kiss the back of Jamie’s neck, nuzzling into his hair.

“I’m sorry.  But it was so funny watching you chirp Kuznetsov.  He just kept looking at you funny.”  Sid rubbed Jamie’s shoulders.  “G told me about it.  It was all his idea to set you up.”

“Don’t try to blame G.” Jamie jerked his shoulders.  “And don’t try to make up to me.  Asshole.”

“Come on, baby boy.  You’ve got to admit it’s funny.”

“No.  It’s not.” 

Sid leaned down more, pressing his chest to Jamie’s back.  He nuzzled against his neck.  His hard cock rubbed over Jamie’s ass.  Jamie tried to bring his shoulder to his ear, forcing Sid to stop what he was doing.  But Sid persisted, kissing and sucking at Jamie’s neck.  Licking and nibbling at his earlobe.  He rolled his hips, sliding his cock over the material of Jamie’s boxers.

“Stop it.  I’m mad at you.”  Jamie whined.  He didn’t sound very mad to Sid, though.

“I said I was sorry.  Come on, let me make it up to you.”

“How is…” Jamie had to pause when Sid went back to sucking a bruise on his neck, obviously Sid was getting to him.  He tried to push his hips up against Sid.  “uh… how is you getting off… uh… how’s that making it up to me… hhhhmmmm?”

“I’ll make sure you get a happy ending first.  What say, big boy.  You want?”

“Mmmmmmmm… maybe...”  Jamie moaned as Sid kissed down the back of his neck and then licked a long swipe down his spine.

Sid scooted down Jamie’s legs so he could bite at his ass through his boxers.  He slipped his fingers in the material and pulled them down, giving him access to the round, firm cheeks.  He playfully bit down on one.

“Ow.”  Jamie squirmed.  “Fucker.”

Jamie twisted his body, making Sid give him room to rollover onto his back.  Sid pulled Jamie’s boxers down and helped Jamie kick out of them, then Sid stretched out over top of Jamie again.  He slipped his arms under Jamie’s so he was resting on his elbows.  Jamie wrapped his arms around Sid’s shoulders.  He laid there, looking up at Sid.

“It’s a good thing I love you.”

Sid kissed Jamie’s forehead.  “Vesnushki.”

“Asshole.”

Sid kissed Jamie’s right cheek.  “Vesnushki.”

“Fuckin’ asshole.”  Jamie said, softly.

Sid kissed the tip of Jamie’s nose.  “Vesnushki.”

“I take it back.  I hate you.”

Sid brought his lips to Jamie’s.  “But I love you.”

“Vesnuski.” He breathed into Jamie’s mouth.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next night, Jamie didn’t chirp Kuznetsov once.  The Penguins won the game 4-3, giving them the series.

Next up.  The Rangers.


	25. Bed Rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Look. Complete bed rest means complete bed rest. Wexler said if you were very, very good, maybe you could go out to the couch once in a while. But for now, nothing. So it’s this, or back to the hospital. Your choice.”
> 
> “You are such a fucking mother hen.” Cat grumbled.
> 
> “I know.” Jamie sat down on the bed next to her, letting their shoulders bump together. “It’s such a problem, huh, having somebody worry about you?”
> 
> “I guess not.” 
> 
> Jamie shifted, scooting down so he was stretched out next to Cat, propping his head up on a pillow next to her belly.
> 
> “Hey in there.” He rubbed his hand over her belly. “Mommy’s a stubborn cuss. But, I’ll teach you how to get around that.”

“Wish I could go to the games.”

“Too much stress.  Hell, it’s too much stress for me.”  Jamie sat on the end of the couch, Cat’s feet in his lap as she stretched out, back propped on some pillows at the other end.  Jamie massaged her feet as they watched NHL Central.

The Pens had lost the night, at PPG.  It hadn’t been pretty either.  They’d pulled Muzz in the second when the Rangers scored four unanswered goals.  Jars hadn’t fared much better, giving up another two in the 8 -2 blow-out.  Jamie’d had a shitty night, nothing going right.  Two turnovers led to two of the goals, and an extended stay on the bench in the third.

He should have gone to the optional practice that morning, but he opted out to stay home and spend some time with Cat.  Sully wasn’t happy, but he understood.  Sid would pick him up on the way to the airport in a little while and they’d fly out for game five in New York.  Game five, and possible elimination.

The win had put the Rangers up three games to one.  The Pens needed to win out.  Twice at the Garden.  A daunting task, as the analysts on the NHL network were informing them.  They were also critiquing Jamie’s game.  Well, his whole season.

_“The younger Crosby has been struggling this year.  It showed again in his game last night.”_

_“Maybe married life doesn’t agree with him.  His production has dropped off this season actually.  And the Pens haven’t made him a qualifying offer, yet.  It certainly makes you wonder if he and husband Sidney will be playing on the same team next year.”_

“Ouch.”  Jamie said.

“Harsh.”  Cat added.

_“Well if you consider 25 goals and 87 points dropping off, I guess the Pens should be worried.  That’s top six on most any team in the league.”_

_“I’m just saying that after two outstanding years, he’s not playing as strong a game.”_

Jamie grabbed the remote and turned the volume down.  “Fuck this.”

“Have they really not made an offer?  You haven’t said anything about it.”

“They made an offer, just haven’t released that fact yet.  After the playoffs, but before the draft they’ll announce it.  That’s what Jim said.”

“And?”

“Brisson says I should take it.  Six years, forty-eight million.”

“Holy shit, Jay.  That’s great.”  Cat tapped his chest with her foot.  “And to think, I knew you when.”

Jamie just shrugged.  “Yeah.”

“What’s wrong?  Why wouldn’t you be thrilled with that?  I mean, I think you’re worth more.  Certainly at least what McJesus got a couple of years ago.  You’re better than him.  But that’s a huge amount given the Pens’ cap issues.”

“It’s too much.”  Jamie says quietly.

“Did you just say it’s too much?  What the fuck, Jay?”

“You heard what they were saying.  I’m not playing that well.”

“You are.  You’re playing fine, so just stop it.  Oh my god.”  Cat pulled her feet down and sat up so she was close to him.  She had a look on her face that scared Jamie a little.  Fierce and fired up.  “Listen to me.  I’ve seen this your whole life.  Doubting just how good you are.  I thought, with the season you had two years ago that you’d gotten past it.  That being here, being with Sid, the Penguins, that you’d found yourself.  What’s brought this on?”

“I don’t know.  Just having a bad series.  Contract talks.  Everything.”

“Well, get over it.  You deserve every cent of that contract, and then some.”  Cat said sternly.  Then her expression suddenly changed.  “Ow.  Ow. Ow.”

“What?”  Jamie was instantly worried.  “Jesus, you shouldn’t get worked up like that.  Do I need to get your mom?  What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.  Relax.  She’s just kicking.  Hard, too.  Must be she agrees with me.  Her daddy’s an idiot sometimes.”

Jamie reached over and laid his hand on Cat’s belly.  “Wow.  Yeah.  That’s some kick.”

“Maybe she’ll be a soccer player instead of hockey.”

“Shut up.  Such blasphemy.”  Jamie laughed.

“So.  Relax.  You guys will come back.  I have confidence and so does Kylie.”  Cat joked as the baby kicked against Jamie’s hand again, as if to emphasize her agreement.

“Can’t let my girls down, now can I?”  Jamie leaned over and kissed Cat on the cheek.  “I love you.  Thanks.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The game was tied at two with just under a minute left.  Game seven.  Win or go home.

The Pens had done the improbable, beating the Rangers in games five and six to force the series to a game seven.  The crowd at the Garden was roaring.  Trying to yell the Rangers into a win in regulation and a trip to the Eastern Conference Finals. 

Sid, Jamie and Horny were the forwards on the ice.  Kris and Brian on defense.  It would be a long shift.  They’d all come out with just over a minute left.  Sully asking them for everything they had.  No changes til the end.

The Rangers were setting up a rush, moving into the center.  Jamie read the pass and picked the puck off.  He drove for the Rangers net.  In the split seconds he had, his brain processed the set-up.  He was one on two.  He could try to go around or he could try to split them.  Split his brain said.  He ducked his shoulder and muscled into the rookie, Vorteck, instead of the veteran McDonagh. The young Russian didn’t give easily.  The puck slipped off Jamie’s stick, just for a second, almost sliding under his feet. 

He kept one hand on the stick, held his other up to fend off Vorteck.  He tapped the puck, pushing it between the defenseman’s skates.  He heard McDonagh swear.  He had them.

He cleared them by inches, choked up on his stick and wristed the puck at the net.  The Penguins bench erupted. 

They managed to hang on for the final seconds.  Jamie was bouncing as he walked to the locker room.  The Pens’ momentum and Jamie’s play had done a 180 over the last three games and he was feeling like he owned the world as his teammates slapped him on the back and high-fived him.  The whole room was buzzing with excitement at the thought of heading to another Eastern Conference Finals against the Leafs.

Jamie and Sid did their media obligations, showered, and got dressed.  They walked out of the locker room to board the bus and were surprised to see Troy, Trina and Taylor waiting for them.  The look on Trina’s face said it all.

“Mom?”

“What’s happened?”  Jamie fretted when Taylor slipped her arms around him.  “Cat?”

“She’s okay.  The baby’s okay.  She had another episode and her parents called 911.  She’s at Magee’s overnight for observation.”

“Fuck.”  Jamie swore.  “When?”

“Earlier.  Diane called during warm-ups.  They didn’t want to worry you if things were okay so they waited until they knew something.”

Taylor leaned into Jamie’s side, hugging him tightly.  “She’s okay, baby bro.  I talked to her on the phone just a bit ago.  She said to make sure you knew that and to give you a hug for her.”

Sid turned to Jamie, he knew instantly what Jamie was thinking and what he needed to say.  “We can go over when we get back, but it’ll be really late.  They may not let us in to see her.”

“They’ll let us in.”  He had his phone out and was hitting the speed dial.

“Are you calling Cat?”  Sid asked him.

Jamie nodded and stepped away from the group.  After a couple of minutes, Jamie came back over.  “I talked to Diane.  Cat’s sleeping.  She’s doing okay.  Wexler was in.  They’re putting her on complete bed rest.  No more stairs.  No more light activity.  She can get up to use the bathroom and that’s it.”

“That’s not going to sit well.”  Trina chuckled.  “But at least she’s okay.”

“Yep.”  Jamie said without any emotion, his lips drawn tight in a frown.

“Okay.  We’ll see you guys tomorrow.  We’ll let you know how things are when we get back to Pittsburgh.”  Sid hugged and kissed his parents and Taylor, who hugged Jamie, too.  They weren’t flying back to Pittsburgh until the next day.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Shut up.”  Jamie scolded her as he sat the bedside commode down in the room.

“I’m not using that.”

“Yep.  You are.” 

Cat sat in bed, propped up on pillows, arms crossed over her chest.  She looked daggers at Jamie.

“Complain all you want.  The bathroom is too far.”  Jamie smirked, which didn’t help the situation.

They’d moved her to the downstairs guest room, which, of course, had to be the only guest room without its own attached bathroom.  That meant Cat would have to walk down the hallway.  Jamie would have none of that.  So, they’d gotten the bedside commode.  It meant extra work, but everyone was on board with his decision.  Everyone but Cat, that was.

“Look.  Complete bed rest means complete bed rest.  Wexler said if you were very, very good, maybe you could go out to the couch once in a while.  But for now, nothing.  So it’s this, or back to the hospital.  Your choice.”

“You are such a fucking mother hen.”  Cat grumbled.

“I know.”  Jamie sat down on the bed next to her, letting their shoulders bump together.  “It’s such a problem, huh, having somebody worry about you?”

“I guess not.” 

Jamie shifted, scooting down so he was stretched out next to Cat, propping his head up on a pillow next to her belly.

“Hey in there.”  He rubbed his hand over her belly.  “Mommy’s a stubborn cuss.  But, I’ll teach you how to get around that.”

He looked up at Cat, who just rolled her eyes and huffed. 

“You’re gonna be just like your daddy.  You’ll have Mommy and Papa wrapped right around your little finger.”

Cat smacked him on the back of the head playfully.  “Shithead.”

“So, Kylie girl.  Want Daddy to sing for you?”  He leaned in and whispered against Cat’s belly, then put his ear to her.  “What’s that?  Yes?  Of course, baby.”

Jamie sang softly, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…”

Cat let her head loll back and closed her eyes, gently running her fingers through Jamie’s hair.

“Good thing I love you, Jay.  Get me into this situation.”

“See, he whispered.  Mommy loves Daddy.”

Cat smacked him on the back of the head again.  “Shithead.”


	26. A Sign Of His Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie went to nuzzle his face into the crook of Sid’s neck and shoulder when he noticed the bandage on Sid’s chest. He pulled back.
> 
> “What’s that? Are you okay? When’d you get hurt? Is that why you didn’t practice.” The questions poured out in one long breath.
> 
> “I’m fine. It’s not an injury.” Sid grinned. “I, um, I got you a present.”
> 
> A puzzled look came over Jamie’s face, then his eyes lit up and he started laughing.
> 
> “You didn’t!”
> 
> “Yep.” Sid giggled. “Go ahead and unwrap it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... I thought I'd do one more happy chapter before I plunge the rollercoaster down the emotional freefall again (just a warning of what's coming)...
> 
> inspired by Geno's joke (?) about Sid having an "Evgeni" tattoo...

Toronto had been edging their way towards this moment the last three years.  They’d just missed out on the playoffs in 2017.  The next year, they’d been one of the two wild card teams, making it through the first round against Montreal only to lose to Ottawa.  This year, they’d been on fire.  They finished third in the Atlantic Division.  In the first round, they blew through Ottawa like it was nothing.  Then they took the Division Champion Red Wings in five.  It was going to be a tough series, given how hard the Pens had struggled for the better part of the first two rounds.

The Young Guns, as the under-23 club had been renamed by Johnny Gaudreau – damn Calgary and their cowboy shit, Jamie thought – was burning up the group chat with how well they were all doing this year in the playoffs.  Jamie joined, somewhat.  He’d never really felt like he was a part of the main group.  He really preferred to just chat with the smaller group of Ekblad, McDavid, Saad and just a few others.  He watched most of the current chirping with mild interest.  They weren’t talking about him and that was fine.

He had other things on his mind.

Jamie was concerned that Cat’s blood pressure was still running high most of the time when they checked it.  Since the episode on the night they flew home, she hadn’t had any more pre-mature contractions at least.  Even with being in bed, her ankles and feet were swelling.  Wexler said it was from lack of movement.  It was a vicious cycle.  Move, pressure goes sky high.  Don’t move, retain fluid more.

Cat hadn’t even been home twenty-four hours yet and Jamie needed a break.  Cat was tired, and moody, and irritable, and Jamie was sort of wishing that they’d start the conference finals on the road.  There were lots of hands to make light work, but Cat wanted Jamie to do most of her care.  He was sure it was her way of making him suffer for her current condition.

Sunday morning, he took the opportunity to get away by going to morning skate.  The series with the Rangers had ended Friday and they were turning around and starting the finals on Sunday.  No rest for the weary.   Sid had gone to practice on Saturday and opted out of the game-day skate.  He told Jamie he had an errand to run, but he’d be home for their pre-game nap.

When Jamie got home, Sid wasn’t back yet.  He went in, made a sandwich, and went to sit with Cat until Sid got home.  When it got close to nap time and Sid still wasn’t there, Jamie just went up to their room and went to sleep without him.  When he woke up later, Sid was curled up to his back, his arms and one leg draped over Jamie.  Jamie closed his eyes and snuggled in against Sid, content to fall back asleep for just a little longer.

“Don’t do that.”  Sid said behind him.

“Mmmmm… come on.  Ten minutes.” 

“Nope.  We need to get up.  It’s already later than you think.”  Sid kissed the back of Jamie’s neck.  “We only have an hour to get in to PPG.”

“Crap,” Jamie groaned.  “Why’d you let me sleep so long.”

“Thought you needed it.”

Jamie yawned and stretched his arms, rolling around to face Sid. 

“How long have you been home?”  He gave Sid a light peck on the lips.

“I got a couple hours sleep.  I’ve been laying here waiting for you to get up.”

Jamie went to nuzzle his face into the crook of Sid’s neck and shoulder when he noticed the bandage on Sid’s chest.  He pulled back.

“What’s that?  Are you okay?  When’d you get hurt?  Is that why you didn’t practice.”  The questions poured out in one long breath.

“I’m fine.  It’s not an injury.”  Sid grinned.  “I, um, I got you a present.”

A puzzled look came over Jamie’s face, then his eyes lit up and he started laughing.

“You didn’t!”

“Yep.”  Sid giggled.  “Go ahead and unwrap it.”

Jamie pulled the tape and gauze back slowly.  Sid’s skin was red behind it, but there on his chest, in the same spot as Jamie’s, was a matching tattoo, the two hearts with their numbers.  He ran his fingers over it.

“I can’t believe you got it.  Damn.  This is love.” 

Sid pressed his lips to Jamie’s.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Fuck me.”  Kris exclaimed as Sid peeled out of his t-shirt in the changing room.  “It’s finally happened.”

His comment drew everyone’s attention.

“What ever are you talking about?”  Sid teased.

“You’ve turned him into a you.”  Kris chuckled.  “Another possessive bastard marking his territory.”

Sid giggled.  Jamie beamed.  His whole face was radiating happiness and that’s what mattered to Sid. 

“I never thought I’d see the day Sid got a tat.”  Conor offered.

“I know, for sure.”  Horny added.

“What makes you think this is my first?”  Sid sits down in his stall to untie his shoes. 

“You’re kidding, right?”  Rusty snorted.

“You think I’m lie when I say Sid have Evgeni tattoo.”  Geno chuckled.  “I tell truth.  You see.”

“Bullshit.”  Muzz said.

“Yeah.  Bullshit.”  Conor echoed.  “Sid does not have any other tats.”

“I’m not sure this one is even real.”  Horny cackles, then reaches over and tweaks Sid’s nipple just under the tattoo.

Sid jerks away, “You asshole.”

Jamie is snickering as he strips out of his dress pants, enjoying the good-natured chirping Sid’s taking.

“What’s so funny, Jim-Bob?”

“Sid has a tattoo that says Evgeni.”  Jamie says straight-faced.

“He does not.”  Conor snaps back.

“Um… I think I’d know.”  Jamie says, still trying to look serious.  He winks at Sid, who sees the mischievous look in those green eyes.  This should be good, Sid thinks.

“You are so full of it.”  Rusty chirps, eyeing up Jamie.

“Damn straight, Bryan.  Come on, Jim-Bob, we’ve all played poker with you enough.  You couldn’t bluff your way out of a paper bag.”  Muzz stared at Jamie’s eyes for a few seconds.  “You are lying your ass off.”

“Dinner in Toronto if I am.”  Jamie says, staring back at Muzz.

Rusty is watching Jamie’s eyes, too.  “I’ll take that bet.”

“I’m in.”  Muzz says determinedly.  “We’ve all seen Sid naked enough to know you’re fucking lying.  He doesn’t have any other tats.”

“Anybody else want in?  We’ll make it dinner for the whole team.”  Jamie offered. Conor and Jake went in, telling Rusty and Muzz they’d split it four ways if they lost.  Of course, none of them thought they’d lose, Jamie had to be lying through his teeth.

Muzz looked around at the older guys.  Kris was desperately trying to suppress a laugh.  Geno was grinning suspiciously.

“Wait a minute.”  He says.  “Tanger?  Does Sid have a tattoo?”

“I’m not getting in the middle of this.”  Tanger puts his hands up.  “I shall just enjoy my dinner no matter who buys.”

“If none of us have seen it, and we’ve all seen Sid naked,” Rusty muses, “where is this other tat?”

“Oh my god!”  Conor yells.  “His dick!  He’s got a fucking tattoo on his dick!”

Sid chokes at that, and the rest of the room breaks out in a chorus of hoots and hollers. 

“I do not have a tattoo on my dick.” He declares, red from his ears to his chest.

“It’s not on his dick.”  Jamie asserts as well, remaining straight-faced.  “But he definitelt has another tattoo. So.  It’s a bet?”

“Let’s see this mystery tattoo.”  Muzz demands, looking a little smug at the thought of calling Jamie’s bluff.

Jamie nods at Sid.  “Show ‘em.”

Sid stands up.  He puts his right foot up on his seat and pulls down his sock.  On the inside of his ankle, in small letters, barely as big as Jamie’s “Kicks” tattoo, is the word Evgeni.

“Holy shit.  How did none of us ever notice that before?”  Conor comes over to look at the tattoo.  He runs his fingers over it.

“See, I’m tell true.”  Geno laughs.  He sticks his foot out in the air.  On his ankle is a matching Sidney.

“Oh my god!  They have each other’s names on them.  Tanger you knew about this?”  Rusty gawks.

“A drunken excursion following our first cup win.”  Kris says, nodding at Sid.  “We were young and stupid.  Sidney wasn’t brave enough to get them somewhere people might see, so we got small tattoos, where not too noticeable.”

Kris holds up his own ankle.  Olli looks it over.

“Flower?  That means?” 

“Yes.  Means Flower have Tanger tattoo.”  Geno says.

Brian nudges Jamie.  “So why don’t you have my name anywhere?”

“Who says I don’t.”  Jamie gives him a wink.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Games one and two go to the Pens.  Games three and four go to the Leafs.  Game five in Pittsburgh is another shitshow for the Pens.  Toronto wins 5-0 to put the Pens on the verge of elimination once again. 

It’s a solemn group that fly out after the game.  Tomorrow’s optional practice in Toronto is now mandatory.  Sully will be hard on them, they know it.  They didn’t play their game.  They let the Leafs get in their heads.  They have to win. 


	27. Déjà Vu All Over Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian watched it unfold, breathing a sigh of relief as Jamie caught Marner. Then he watched him trip. Brian’s view of Jamie was obstructed by Marner and Muzz, which put Jamie on the bottom of the pile as they plowed through the net. 
> 
> Brian watched. Marner got up. Muzz got up. Then Muzz was yelling and waving frantically towards the Pens’ bench, calling for the trainers. Brian looked. Jamie wasn’t moving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and now we head into the heartache... this is the injury mentioned in the last chapter of Jamie's Story... it is based on the 2015 injury to Mats Zuccarello, from which he recovered completely... just a warning... this will be an emotional ride from this point forward...
> 
> TW - head trauma, aphasia, traumatic brain injury
> 
> remember - all is well in the end!!!

Neither team was having a particularly good night, except for the goalies.  Both Muzz and Freddie Andersen were on the top of their game.  It was late into the first period before the Pens got a lucky bounce and scored against the Leafs. 

That lead held up until eight minutes into the second period when Nylander got a break away coming out of the penalty box.  He deked left.  It was a beautiful move, Jamie thought.  Muzz didn’t have a chance.  The game was tied at one.

With just under five minutes left, Sid beat Andersen with a backhand off a feed from Jamie.  The Pens celebrated and then lined up for the face-off.  The Leafs won the face-off and set up for a rush.  They brought the puck across the line.  A quick shot from Marner went wide and the Leafs managed to race down the puck and keep the pressure on the Pens. 

Muzz blocked another shot and the rebound went wide again.  Jamie chased it down and sauced the puck across the ice to where Sid and Kris were already headed towards the Leafs’ end.  Horny joined them in the rush, which left Brian and Jamie trailing. 

The two of them were almost to the Leafs’ blue line when Jamie saw the puck come off Sid’s stick as he tried to muscle past Morgan Rielly.  A quick pass and Mitch Marner was off to the races.  Brian was caught flat-footed.  Jamie, however, was giving chase on the speedy Leafs’ center.

Jamie got close just before they got to Muzz.  He reached out with his stick and lifted Marner’s stick just enough to save the shot on goal.  The puck slid straight to Muzz who snagged it.

In order to reach Marner, though, Jamie had over-extended himself.  He felt his edge go and his body twist.  In the blink of an eye, he was in front of Marner, off balance and falling.  Marner’s momentum carried him into Jamie and carried them both into Muzz and the net.  All of them crashing in a heap with the net between them and the boards.

Brian watched it unfold, breathing a sigh of relief as Jamie caught Marner.  Then he watched him trip.  Brian’s view of Jamie was obstructed by Marner and Muzz, which put Jamie on the bottom of the pile as they plowed through the net. 

Brian watched.  Marner got up.  Muzz got up.  Then Muzz was yelling and waving frantically towards the Pens’ bench, calling for the trainers.  Brian looked.  Jamie wasn’t moving.

Brian skated hard across the ice, dropping to his knees next to Jamie.

“Fluff!  Jesus, no!”

Jamie’s eyes were closed, he was on his back, arms and legs askew, the goalpost between the side of his head and the boards.  What Brian couldn’t see was the large crack in the left side of Jamie’s helmet as he leaned over him.

“Jamie!”  Brian heard Sid behind him, and then the trainers were there.  Brian got up and stood quietly next to Sid, his arm over Sid’s shoulders.

\-------------------------------------------------------

“Fuck” Jamie swore under his breath as he pivoted and gave chase on Marner.  He put his head down and pushed off hard through four strides, picking up speed and closing quickly on the center. 

They were almost to Muzz, Marner was about to take a shot.  Jamie stretched.  Almost.  Almost…

His stick slipped under Marner’s and he jerked it up ever so slightly.  He saw the puck headed right for Muzz’ glove.  Then he felt his skate stutter and the blade tip.  And, he swore again.

One of the most basic things he learned when he started skating was how to fall.  Bill Marsh and his other coaches drilled it into him that you needed to not tense and stiffen up when you fell, that’s how you got hurt.  But the unnerving sensation of floating through the air, out-of-control, free falling, countermands all that training.  There was a flash of white, a flash of blue, then a flash of black.  Then… nothing.

“Jamie?”

Jamie laid completely still, taking stock of the situation.  Toes.  Hands.  Head.  Everything seems to be attached and working.

“Jim-Bob?  You with me?”

Stewie.  That’s Stewie talking to him, which isn’t a good sign. 

“Yeah.”  Jamie says.  “Yeah.  I’m good.”

He opens his eyes.  Chris Stewart, the Pens’ head trainer is bent over him, his face hovering over Jamie’s.  Jamie blinks a few times, lets him come into focus, then looks past him.  He’s on his back looking up at the ceiling of PPG. No... not at home. He's where? Toronto. That's right, Toronto.  Their lights are fucking bright.  He closes his eyes and just breathes for a few seconds.

“Wow.  Fuck.”  Jamie whispers.  He opens his eyes again and looks around.  Sid and Brian are standing a few feet away, faces drawn tight with worry.  He winks at Sid.  “I’m okay.”

“You hit your head pretty good.”  Stewart says.  “Were you out?”

“I don’t know.  Maybe.”  Jamie answers.  “I’m okay.  Everything’s working.  See.”  Jamie moves his feet and hands.  “All okay.  Can I get up?”

“I don’t know.  Maybe we should take you off…”

“No fucking stretcher.”  Jamie hisses.  “Just get me up, okay.”

Stewart helps Jamie sit up.

“Still okay?”

“Yeah.  I’m good.”  Jamie looks around, stretches his neck back and forth.  “Yeah.  I just want to get up, okay.”

Brian and Sid skate over and help Jamie to his feet.  Stewart makes him stand for a few minutes, making sure Jamie’s not going to just fall over again.  Everything appears to be okay.

“Hey, did you see his bucket?”  Brian asks.  “Looks like you cracked it on the post.”

“Jamie, let me get a stretcher.”  Stewart says.

“No.  I’m fine, okay.”  Jamie gives Sid a pleading look.  “Just skate me off.  Please.”

“Come on, baby boy.”  Sid’s arm goes around his waist as he guides Jamie towards the bench.  “Make him lay down when you get him in the dark room, eh, Stewie.”

“I’ll try.  He’s pretty stubborn.”

“He’ll behave.”  Sid pats Jamie on the ass as he steps off the ice, and add sternly.  “Right?”

“Yeah.  I’ll behave.”  Jamie smirks.  “I’m fine.  Okay.  Don’t worry.”

Sid watches Jamie follow the trainers down the runway to the locker room.  There are still two minutes left in the period.  He turns his attention back to the game.

\------------------------------------------------

Doc V is waiting for them.  Jamie gets directed to the quiet room for his concussion evaluation.  He’s goes through all the questions.  He passed the neurological exam, so he thinks.  Physically, he feels okay, except for the headache coming on.  That’s to be expected.  He runs his hand over the crack on the side of his helmet.  Well, thankfully, the helmet did what it’s supposed to do, it protected his head.

They ask him what he remembers and he tells them everything.  Falling.  Sliding.  Hitting the post.  If he did black out, it had to be for just a brief second.

He’s surprised when he hears Vyas tell Sid that he has a concussion. 

“I feel okay.”  Jamie rubs the side of his head.  “Just a little headache.”

“Right.”  Sid grins.  “Of course, you feel okay.  But you’re done for the night.”

“Fuck.”

“We’ll hold on.  I feel it.”  He kissed Jamie’s forehead as he stands to go.  “You just take it easy and be ready for game seven, eh.”

“Okay.”  Jamie moans.  “Guess I’ll shower and change then.”

“In a bit.  Doc wants you to just hang out in here for a while longer.  See if the headache gets worse.”

Jamie lays in the dimly lit room. Staring at the ceiling.  Staring at the walls.  Staring at the door.  His headache isn’t getting better.  It is, however, getting worse.  Doc V has come in a couple of times to check on him.  One of the assistant trainers has been in to check on him a couple of times, too.  Jamie hasn’t told them that it is worse.

“Can I go take a shower?”  He asks finally.  He’s not sure how long he’s been in there.

“Yeah.  I think you’re doing okay.”  Vyas says. 

Jamie checks the clock when he walks out into the locker room.  It’s been over thirty minutes since they brought him in.  Actually, it has been closer to an hour.  He checks the game on the closed-circuit TV.  The Pens’ are up 2-1, and the game is almost over.  He moves a little faster, wanting to get in and out of the showers before the rush. 

The warm water running over his head and down his back wasn’t having the relaxing effect that Jamie had hoped it would.  He stood with his head against the wall, hands and arms holding him up.  He had his eyes closed, trying to shut out the light.

He heard them start to filter in, one-by-one, the guys who didn’t have media obligations.  A few of them said things to him, but he wasn’t paying attention.

Something was wrong.  And, he was scared.  The pain in his head was bad.  The worst he’d had since… well since after the injury in Washington three years ago.  He straightened up and rubbed his temple again.

“You all right, Marshie?”  That was Jarry, who still called him by his nickname from the Oil Kings.

“M’kay.”  Jamie slurred. 

His eyes didn’t want to focus as he turned around.  He started to walk out of the showers.  His right arm felt funny, tingly.  He looked down at his hand, trying to make it work.  He looked back up.  Shears and Rusty were walking in to the shower.

“Jim-Bob, you okay?”  Rusty looked concerned.

“Mmmyyy… I… c..c…can…t….”  Jamie knew what he wanted to say, but he couldn’t make himself say it.  Panic flooded his features, his eyes going wide with real fear.  He tried to talk, but nothing.  He couldn’t.

A sharp pain in his head made him wince and bring his hand to his left temple.  He couldn’t lift his right arm, and his legs felt rubbery.  They gave out and he dropped to the floor.  He felt hands on him, easing him down.  Voices.  People yelling for the doc.  Yelling for Sid.

\-------------------------------------------

It was déjà vu all over again, to quote Yogi Berra.  And not a good kind of déjà vu, Brian thought, as he sat in the hospital waiting room.  Just a few hours ago, he’d been on the ice, helping his team win game six of the conference championship, forcing a game seven against Toronto, keeping their playoff hopes alive.  Now he was sitting in the hospital waiting room in Toronto, an ICU waiting room, waiting for Sid to return with news on Jamie.

The team was supposed to fly back to Pittsburgh after the game.  They took a vote, however, and it was unanimous that they stay over and fly home tomorrow.  Management had scrambled, but they’d managed to get hotel rooms for the night and changed the flight arrangements.  Some of the guys had gone to the hotel.  Some sat in the large waiting room outside the ICU with Brian.

Jamie had been conscious again by the time they got him to the Emergency Room.  But he still couldn’t talk.  He seemed to be able to understand what the doctors were saying to him, though, answering with nods and hand gestures.  He tried writing, but he couldn’t make the words come.

He’d undergone a battery of tests.  MRI.  Cat scan.  Blood work.  X-rays.  All this reminiscent of what happened after his injury in Washington.  Reminiscent of every time one of them got hurt, to be honest.

Now they waited.  Jamie had been brought up to an ICU room.  That in itself did not bode well for his condition.  Hags had sat and talked to Brian for a long time when they first got there and started getting details of what was happening with Jamie.  He told him about Mats Zuccarello’s injury during the 2015 playoffs.  The fact that Zuccs was okay and came back to play didn’t really alleviate Brian’s fears.

Sid walked into the waiting room, talking to Sully who walked next to him.  He didn’t look at distressed as he had when Brian last saw him, when he was getting into the front passenger seat of the ambulance to ride to the hospital with Jamie. 

Brian stood up and stepped to him, along with Kris and Geno. 

“He’s sleeping.”  Sid told them.  “They are keeping him in the ICU as a precaution.”

“What happened?”  Kris put his arm around Sid.

“He has a hairline fracture on the left side of his head.  There was bleeding.  A lot like the last time, but it’s in a different location.”  Sid found Hags in the room.  “Like Mats.”

“I thought so,” Hags replied, looking solemn.  “How bad?”

“He can’t talk.  They think he’s understanding them when they talk to him.  I do, too.  He’s responded to me, I guess you’d say, correctly, when I ask him things.  His right arm and leg are showing signs of having been affected.”

“Criss.”  Kris swore.  “Like having a fucking stroke, eh?”

“Kind of.  The injury caused the bleed, the bleed and concussion caused swelling and pressure, and I guess that's caused the aphasia.”  Sully explained when Sid choked up at Kris’ comment.  “It’s basically a waiting game right now.  They wait and see if the bleeding gets worse.  If it does, they may have to surgically relieve the pressure.  But, they don’t want to have to do that if they don’t have to.  Given Jamie’s health and history, they’re inclined to wait right now.”

“This sucks.”  Sid says quietly.

“Yeah.”  Brian echoes.  “This sucks.”

“The hospital said that if you want to go in and see him, they’ll let you sneak in one or two at a time.  Then they said we are welcome to stay, but there’s really nothing anybody can do at this point.”

“We can be here with Sid, for sure.”  Horny says from across the room.  “That’s important.”

Sid let Kris pull him into a tight embrace.  “He’s going to be okay, eh.  He has to be.”

\------------------------------------------------------

Jamie opened his eyes and took in his surroundings.  What little light there was wasn’t enough to bother his eyes.  There were wires everywhere.  Several attached to his chest, which he guessed were making the monitor over his head beep in a steady rhythm.  The BP cuff wrapped around his arm had kicked on automatically several times now.  He thought every 15 minutes, but he wasn’t sure.

What was disconcerting, were the numerous wires attached to his head.  The nurses had come in more than once to reattach them after he’d reached up to scratch his head and unhooked them. 

Sid was sitting in a chair next to the bed. 

“Hey, baby boy.”  He said when Jamie turned his face towards him. 

Jamie smiled at him weakly.  He tapped on his right wrist with his left hand.  Sid took that as a good sign, Jamie was communicating with him.

“About four in the morning.”

Jamie pointed at Sid and closed his eyes, then slowly opened them.  He drew a question mark in the air, hoping Sid understood.

“I’ve slept some.  How do you feel?  Headache?”

Jamie shook his head just enough so Sid knew that his headache was gone.  He brought his left hand to his head, pointing at his temple.  Then he held up two fingers to Sid.

“Yeah.  I know.  Second one.”

Jamie looked away, staring up at the ceiling.  Sid took his hand, lacing their fingers together.  He kissed the back of Jamie’s hand and held it to his lips.

“What did I tell you last time?  What have I always told you?”

Jamie closed his eyes and squeezed Sid’s hand.

“Together, baby boy.  Always.”


	28. Silence... Isn't Golden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The doctors are encouraged that he has at least some level of language skills. His prognosis for recovery depends a lot on how much and how fast his language ability returns. It looks like the initial cerebral bleed has stopped. It wasn’t major, but it was significant they said. They’ve ruled out surgery, saying it isn’t always effective with Jamie’s type of injury. Right now, it’s all a waiting game.
> 
> Sidney flew back to Pittsburgh with his teammates. His parents and Taylor flew back as well. All against Sid’s better judgement and with a lot of protesting. All with a lot of angry looks from Jamie.
> 
> He’d made it very clear, as best he could with limited communication abilities, that Sid needed to go home. That Sid needed to play in game seven. That Jamie expected the Pens to win. And, that Jamie did not want, nor did he need, anyone to stay behind and babysit him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like other texts.... Jamie's communications via an IPad are in italics......

By morning, Jamie’s sitting up.  They get him to try texting on his cellphone.  He can, but it’s not easy.  Phrases are jumbled.   He can’t find the words he wants.  And it’s bothering his eyes trying to see the screen.  He does try to answer some texts from friends and family, but Sid ends up having to send explanations for the gibberish that they get a couple of times. 

The doctors are encouraged that he has at least some level of language skills.  His prognosis for recovery depends a lot on how much and how fast his language ability returns.  It looks like the initial cerebral bleed has stopped.  It wasn’t major, but it was significant they said.  They’ve ruled out surgery, saying it isn’t always effective with Jamie’s type of injury.  Right now, it’s all a waiting game.

Sidney flew back to Pittsburgh with his teammates.  His parents and Taylor flew back as well.  All against Sid’s better judgement and with a lot of protesting.  All with a lot of angry looks from Jamie.

He’d made it very clear, as best he could with limited communication abilities, that Sid needed to go home.  That Sid needed to play in game seven.  That Jamie expected the Pens to win. And, that Jamie did not want, nor did he need, anyone to stay behind and babysit him.

The Pens played a hard game, but Toronto wins in OT on a Nylander wrister.  The next day, Sid flies back to Toronto.  Kris, Geno and Brian will take care of cleaning out his and Jamie’s lockers for them. 

Saturday afternoon, when Sid arrived at the Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre he stopped at the visitor services desk, where two elderly volunteers fussed over him.  A hospital administrator came down to meet him.  He escorted Sid up to Jamie’s new room.  He’d been moved out of the ICU the day before and was now in the C5 Trauma Ward, the man explained.

Sid new this was a positive thing, an upgrade in Jamie’s condition.  He questioned why he hadn’t been notified before this, however.

“Mr. Crosby, the other Mr. Crosby, made it very clear that we were not to release any information, not even to you.  He said you didn’t need the distraction, so all we were to tell you was that he was stable and improving.”  The man explained, then he chuckled.  “I’m thinking from your game last night, that you may have been a bit distracted anyway.  I was told this morning that your husband may have thrown a few items as he listened to the game.”

“That sounds like him.”  Sid smiled.  “I suppose you’re a Leafs fan.”

“Me? No.  I’m from Calgary.  Flames fan born and breed.”

“My condolences.”  Sid joked.

The man laughed at that.  They talked hockey as they made their way to the fifth-floor ward.  The man dropped Sid off at the doors to the trauma ward, shook his hand and told Sid if they needed anything to just let him know.

Jamie was sitting up eating some crackers, cheese and apple slices when Sid got to his bed.  The wires attached to his head were gone, but he was still hooked up to a heart monitor.  Jamie’s face lit up when he saw Sid, then his expression changed, taking on a stern tone.  Sid knew that look.

“Yeah, I know.  We lost.  I’m sorry.”  He said as he walked over and planted a kiss on Jamie’s lips.  “I heard you didn’t take it so well.”

“No, he didn’t.  We let him listen to the game and what’s he do, throws things.”  A small, dark haired woman in scrubs said behind Sid.  “You’re Sidney, nice to meet you.  I’m Michelle.”

Sid shook her hand, “Nice to meet you.”

“How’s the snack?”  She asked Jamie as she pushed a few buttons on the monitor.

Jamie gave her a warm smile and a thumb up, then he made a motion like he was raising a glass to his mouth.

“You have water.”  Michelle said to him, straight-faced.  Jamie gave her a pouty face and she laughed. “But I suppose if you wanted something else, that could be arranged.  What would you like?”

Jamie picked up an IPad and typed out a message, then turned it so Michelle could read the screen.

“Orange juice it is.  I’ll be right back. Sidney, would you like something.?”

“A bottle of water would be nice, thank you.”

As she walked away, Sid turned his attention back to Jamie.  “You told them not to tell me anything?  Like what weren’t they telling me?”

Jamie typed out a few words.  _fine.  not worry you.  not problems._

“You sure?”

Jamie nodded.  _sorry lose glad here_

“Don’t tell anybody, but me, too. I’m maybe not as upset about losing as I should be.”  Sid admitted.  “Wanted to get back up here.  Where’d you get the IPad?”

_started work hand_

Jamie typed with his left hand. 

_simple text good_

“You started PT?  That’s good.  You can hold the IPad, that’s an improvement.”

_today walk two_

“They had you up walking twice today?”  Sid asked.

Jamie shook his head and turned to look at what he wrote on the IPad.  He huffed and erased it, then tried typing the word again.

_to_

“To?  Oh, too.  T… o… o?  They had you up walking as well as working your hand.  Is that what you mean?”

Jamie nodded.  He looked frustrated, biting his lower lip and glaring at the IPad.  Sid put his hand on Jamie’s arm.  “It’ll come.  Don’t worry.”

\----------------------------------------------------

Late Sunday afternoon, Jamie’s resting with his eyes closed, worn out from PT.  Sid sits in a chair next to his bed reading a book he brought. 

“Hey.”

Sid looks up to see several of the Maple Leafs players standing near the foot of Jamie’s bed.  Matthews, Martin, Reilly, Nylander, Andersen, Hainsey, van Riemsdyk, and Marner.

“Hey.”  Sid greets them.

“We don’t want to disturb him if he’s sleeping.  We had media and then thought we’d come see how he was doing.  See if you needed anything.”  Reilly said.

“Thanks, we’re doing okay.  He’s not sleeping, I don’t think.”  Sid replied.  Jamie yawned and opened his eyes, looking at Sid sleepily.  “Hey, we have company.”

Jamie gave them a little wave and a nod as they spread out around his bed.  Sid answered their questions and chatted with them.  Jamie nodded and made some hand gestures at them a few times, which brought smiles and laughs. 

The whole time, Jamie kept glancing at Marner who was hanging back a little.  Marner kept his head down, hands in his short’s pockets.  He scuffed his foot on the floor, rocked back and forth, and didn’t say a word the entire time.  It was not the Marner he knew, who was always laughing and grinning.  Jamie guessed at what he thought was going on with him.

“We’ll leave you guys alone,” Martin said when they were getting ready to leave.  “We promised to visit with some of the other patients since they let us all come in at once.”

“Thanks for coming.”  Sid said, standing to shake hands with everyone.  They all shook Jamie’s hand, too.  When Marner stepped up, Jamie reached for the IPad.

 _alone ?_   He showed Sid.

“Huh?”  Sid was puzzled until Jamie nodded at Marner.  “Oh, okay.  He wants to talk to you alone, Mitch.  Is that okay?”

Mitch looked at Martin who nodded.  “We’ll be out in the ward, Marns.  Catch up when you’re done.”

Sid stepped out of the area, too.  Leaving Jamie alone with a what was a very guilty looking Mitch Marner.

_not your fall_

“It was.  I feel like it was anyway.  I’m really sorry, man.  I tripped you up and well…”

Jamie shook his head. 

 _no_   

Jamie paused, biting his lip and tapping his fingers on the bed.  He looked at Marner, his frustration evident.  He pointed to his foot. 

“I don’t understand.”

 _no me  I fell_  

He pointed to his foot again and then tipped his hand back and forth.

“Oh!  Fuck.”  Marner said.  “You lost an edge!”

Jamie nodded and tapped his hand to his chest. 

 _I did_  

He pointed to his head. 

_accident not your fault_

Marner’s demeanor changed and he smiled at Jamie.  “I’m still sorry.”

Jamie gave him an okay with his hand. 

_go win cup_

“Thanks, man.  I… thanks.”  Marner smiled.  He was his normal, smiley self when he left to find his teammates.

“You set him straight?”  Sid asked when he came back.  Jamie nodded and smiled. 

_all good_

\-------------------------------------------------

Sid opened his eyes Monday morning.  He stretched his back, the recliner wasn’t the best thing for sleeping, but they were letting him stay with Jamie so he wasn’t going to bitch.  He looked over at Jamie, who was staring back at him, wide awake.

“Good morning.”  Sid said.

“G..g…good mor…morning.”  Jamie answered him.

Sid didn’t move at first, shocked, not sure he heard what he heard.  Maybe he was dreaming.  Jamie was all wide eyes and smiling at him.  He jumped up out of the chair and stood beside the bed, cupping Jamie’s face in his hands.

“Say it again.”

“Morn…morning, S..S…Sidney.”  Jamie stuttered out, a huge grin on his face.

Sidney leaned down and kissed him, then let their foreheads touch, keeping his face close to Jamie’s.

“That’s the most beautiful sound in the world, baby boy.”  He whispered.


	29. Pushing Too Hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sit down.” Sid said firmly. Jamie stood his ground. “Sit your ass down.”
> 
> Jamie swore under his breath at Sid, but sat back down on the bed.
> 
> “I fucking went through this the last time. You rushing to get back on the ice. Not telling me how bad the headaches were. I’m not doing it again.” Sid scolded him. “Hockey is done. There’s no need to push so hard. There’s no need to get so upset because it’s not going as fast as you want. You are doing okay, that’s what they said. They’re already happy with how much has come back in just a week. With therapy, they think you make a full recovery, or nearly full recovery. But you also need to rest.” He brought his fingertips to Jamie’s left temple and held them there. “This needs to heal. It heals better with rest, okay.”

By Monday afternoon, they had Jamie working with a speech therapist in addition to his physical therapist.  Sid watched as Jamie pushed himself.  Forcing words out.  Working his hand on a stress ball.  Stretching and bending his right leg as he laid in bed.  Sid finally made him stop when Jamie had worked himself to the point of exhaustion, as evident by his minor tantrum when he couldn’t think of the word for dinner.

“It’s not going to be magically better in one day, baby boy.  No matter how much you want it or how hard you work.”  Sid had said.

“They said b…b…better I c…c…could go house.”

“They said Wednesday or Thursday.  That’s not tomorrow.  You need to rest more than you need to push.”

“F…f… fuck.  Just w…w…want go house.” 

Sid tipped his head.  That was twice he’d used the wrong word, in addition to not being able to find some other words.  They said that would happen, it would be part of his theraoy, relearning words.

“Wha…what did I say?”  Jamie huffed.

“House.”

“What should word?”  He sounded annoyed with himself.

“Home? But house is okay.  Same thing.”  Sid smiled, kidding him about it in hopes that Jamie would relax some.  It didn’t work.

Jamie pulled his pillow out from under his head and covered his face.  He screamed into the pillow, which brought a chuckle from Sid, and one of the nurses to see what was wrong.

“We’re just over-tired,” Sid said, “and frustrated.  We think we can conquer the world in one day.”

Jamie swung the pillow and smacked Sid.  “St… stop make f…f…fun at me.”

“We’re fine.”  Sid said to the nurse, who nodded understandingly, turned and left them alone again.

“Then you need to stop.”  Sid said sternly, directing his attention to Jamie again.  “It hasn’t even been a full day and you’re trying for too much too soon.  Okay.”

“F…f…fine.”  Jamie rolled over on his side away from Sid and hugged the pillow tightly.  Sid reached across him to get the exercise ball out of Jamie’s hand, but Jamie pulled it away and buried it under the pillow.

“I’m going to go get some coffee.  Because if I don’t it’s not going to be pretty.”  Sid snapped.

When he came back an hour or so later, Jamie was sound asleep.  His hand was at his side, the ball still in it.

“Stubborn.”  Sid said, leaning over to kiss Jamie’s cheek as he took the ball.  He could see Jamie trying to rush his recovery, just like the last time. 

\----------------------------------------------------

Brian and some of the boys showed up on Tuesday, which helped. 

“Sh…sh…shouldn’t you Kay?”  Jamie asked Brian.

“Due date is next week.  Thought I’d come see you before I headed up to Maine.  She’s been at my parents for over a month.  Said the playoff stress was too much, remember.”

Jamie nodded.  “Yeah.  I re…re… remember.”

“How’s Cat doing?”

“Good.  Puppy doing good.”

“Puppy?”  Olli questioned.

“Is th…that what said?”

“Don’t worry about it.  Babies.  Puppies.  All the same thing.”  Olli laughed.

Jamie tried to smile and laugh at Olli’s joke, but Sid saw it.  From that point on, he didn’t talk.  He let the guys talk and joke, while he smiled politely and just sat there.  Brian noticed it and gave Sid a few concerned looks.

When they got ready to leave, Sid walked them out of the ward to the waiting room.

“He got quiet.”  Justin remarked.  “Did we do something wrong?”

“I shouldn’t have laughed at him.”  Olli said.  “Tell him I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.  He’s just going to be moody I think.  Part of the injury.  He’s more frustrated with himself than anything I think.”  Sid offered.

“It’ll be okay.”  He said to Brian specifically.  “Go home.  We can’t wait to get another niece, so let us know as soon as she arrives.”

The boys left and Sid went back to Jamie, who was sitting up on the edge of the bed.  His hand was feverishly working the exercise ball. 

“Fifty more, then walk.” 

“I don’t think so.”  Sid snatched the ball out of Jamie’s hand before he could protest and pull it away.  “I think you need to rest.”

“I…I… need to go house.”  Jamie said, standing up.

“Sit down.”  Sid said firmly.  Jamie stood his ground.  “Sit your ass down.”

Jamie swore under his breath at Sid, but sat back down on the bed.

“I fucking went through this the last time.  You rushing to get back on the ice.  Not telling me how bad the headaches were.  I’m not doing it again.”  Sid scolded him.  “Hockey is done.  There’s no need to push so hard.  There’s no need to get so upset because it’s not going as fast as you want.  You are doing okay, that’s what they said.  They’re already happy with how much has come back in just a week.  With therapy, they think you make a full recovery, or nearly full recovery.  But you also need to rest.”  He brought his fingertips to Jamie’s left temple and held them there.  “This needs to heal.  It heals better with rest, okay.”

Jamie had been looking down at the floor.  “What if?”  He said softly.

“No.  Un uh.  We did that the last time, too.  Nobody has said anything about you not playing again, so don’t worry about that until they do.”

Jamie slipped his arms around Sid’s waist and pulled him close, resting his head on Sid’s chest.  Sid wrapped his arms around Jamie’s shoulders, holding him tightly.

“I…I…I’m so…so…sorry.”  Jamie stuttered.

“I know.  You’re scared this time, aren’t you?”

Jamie nodded slightly against Sid’s chest.

“Me too.”  Sid whispered.  “Me too, baby boy.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Home.  One week and two days after the injury, Jamie was finally home.

He paused just long enough to say hello to Luc, Diane and the Crosbys before heading to Cat’s room.  She was sitting up, reading a book.  Jamie flopped down on the bed next to her.  Cat reached over and brushed her hands through his hair.

“So?”  She asked.

“I’m doing better now.”

She watched how hard he concentrated to not stutter and get all the words out.  Sid had been keeping her informed of his progress and she knew it was a struggle for him to not stutter.  And he was having trouble with finding the right words.  But, it was early in his recovery.  She told Sid that when he expressed his concern.  She’d need to keep reinforcing it with Jamie, she was sure.  Time.  It all took time, just as it would with the physical therapy.

“You’re doing well, yes.  But still a long way to go.  Lots of work to do.”

“You c…c…can help me.”  He smiled up at her.

“I can?  Nope, don’t think so.  I’m on complete rest.”  Cat laid her book down on the other side of the bed.  She rubbed her belly, “Huh, little Crosby.  Daddy’s home to wait on us again.  I think that would be good therapy for him.”

“I…I…don’t.  Not like that.”  Jamie rolled over to lay his head on Cat’s belly.  “Part of spe…speech therapy is with mmm…music.  So… so… I can sing to my girls.”

“That’s what you meant?”  She acted surprised.  “I’m not sure we can handle that, huh, baby.  Daddy singing to us.”

“Yes.”  Jamie chuckled.  “I’m s…s…supposed to rest, too.  So I g…g..get to hang out with you guys all day.  W…w…we’ll make Papa wait on us, right, Ky…Kylie.”

“Ugh.  He’ll love that.”  She rubbed her hand over his head.  “Glad you’re home, Jay.  We missed you.”

“Love you, t...t…too.”  Jamie pushed himself up so he could give her a quick kiss.  “Glad house, too.”

\----------------------------------------------------

It’s strange not getting up and going for a run.  Jamie feels like his whole world has been turned upside down.  One upside is that unlike the last time he isn’t plagued by intense headaches.

In the three years since his first bad injury, the team doctors have all speculated on his headaches and his seemingly quick recovery otherwise.  He’d been 18 at that time.  Young.  Top physical form.  Healthy.  Well-balanced, nutrient rich diet.  All things in his favor.  So, a speedy recovery given his obvious high level of brain plasticity was not that far out of the norm they were finding out in young athletes.  The headaches may not have been related to the head injury, but instead could have been due to his PTSD and depression.   They wish they had been able to study it more closely at the time.  If only Jamie had been more honest and forthcoming about it all.  But, hindsight is twenty-twenty and while there are studies regarding subsequent head injuries, nothing is a guaranteed certainty when it comes to the brain.  The more they study it, the more that fact is evident.

Jamie spends his mornings out at UPMC Lemieux.  Physical therapy involves strength training and working on his balance.  Speech therapy involves learning words and syntax and phrasing.  He spends an hour in PT, two hours in ST.  Then there is the work at home.

Jamie spends his afternoons with Cat, who supervises the physical exercises they gave him to do at home.  Everyone helps with his speech exercises.  He reads simple books and sings to the baby.  He plays a naming game with Diane or Trina, things like naming as many fruits as he can, or different things around the house. 

Brian calls with the announcement of the arrival of Olivia Grace Dumoulin, seven pounds five ounces, 20 inches long.  A beautiful, healthy baby girl.

"It's the most amazing feeling, Fluff.  She's a little me, according to my mom."

"P...p...poor kid."  Jamie chuckled.

They managed to talk for an hour about all the things their girls would do growing up together.  

\------------------------------------------------

Jamie is in PT at Cranberry when Sid bursts into the room, waving his phone.

“We gotta go!” 

“What?  Why?”  Jamie questions.  “Cat?”

“Baby Crosby is on her way.  Cat’s having contractions and on her way to Magee.”

“It…it’s early.  A month yet.”

“I know.  But remember what Doc said, Cat’s far enough along that any time now would be okay.  They aren’t going to try and stop it, so we need to get there.”

It’s been three full weeks since the injury and his latest medical tests show no residual swelling.  Physically, his head is healing, his body is healing.  Mentally, he is doing better than he had been.  Everything is going well. 

Everything is about to change.


	30. Hello... Good-bye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter says it all....
> 
> we say hello to baby Crosby and good-bye to an old friend...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just so you know... this was tough to write.... may be tough to read....
> 
> I added tags, because I understand people's need for them... if you can't do anything I tagged... skip this chapter... you can gather what happened and pick up again with the next chapter....

Jamie and Sid walk in to the LDR room at Magee Women’s Hospital in Oakland.  Trina and Diane are sitting in chairs beside the bed talking quietly while holding Cat’s hand.  Troy is on the couch, sitting next to Taylor who is texting on her phone.  Troy looks worried.  Luc is pacing back and forth nervously.

“Hey,” Sid says.  “Traffic was a bitch.  Sorry it took us so long to get here.  Are we too late?”

“Does it look like you’re too late?”  Cat snaps. 

“Okay.  Yeah.  Glad we got here in time.”  Sid snorts. He scowls at Jamie.  “You go sit by her.”

“Un uh.”  Jamie shakes his head.

Trina and Diane get up and give the boys stern looks.  “You both can sit here.”  Trina says.  “We’ll go over by the couch.”

Jamie sits in the closest chair, Sid sits in the other chair and even scoots it back a little.

“F…fucking chicken.”  Jamie says over his shoulder, then turns his attention back to Cat.  “Is it going okay?”

“So far.  But holy shit, some serious contractions this time.”

‘C…c…can I get you any… um… anything?”

“No.  Thanks.  Just glad you’re both here finally.  I was starting to think she would get here before you did, but no such luck.”  Cat laughed.

Another contraction hit a few minutes later.  They helped her do her breathing through it, just as they’d learned from their pre-natal and birthing coach videos.  Cat held Jamie’s hand, squeezing it tightly through the worst of the pain.  Jamie tried not to grimace, but failed miserably.  When Cat went to hold Sid’s hand instead, he reluctantly gave it to her.  By the time the contraction passed, both boys were rubbing their hands from her death grip, as Jamie called it.

One of the nurses came in to check on Cat.  There’d been no movement on her dilation and the nurse seemed concerned with the information on the monitor.  She said she’d be back with Dr. Wexler shortly.

Sid gave his mom a look of concern and she nodded for him to follow her across the room, away from Cat and Jamie.

“Her blood pressure’s been extremely high.  Right now, the baby isn’t in distress, but they’re watching her closely.”

“What happens if things change?”  Sid asked, cautiously.

“They mentioned a Cesarean.” 

“Shit.  Okay.  I’m not gonna say anything to Jamie unless I have to.  No point making him all worried, well, more than he is.”

Sid went back over and sat down next to Jamie, who was telling Cat all about his therapy from earlier.

“Ev…ev…everything okay?”  He asked.

“Yep.  No problems.”  Sid smiled at them.  Cat gave him a wink.  She knew.

\--------------------------------------------------

Five hours later, the contractions are coming just several minutes apart.  Cat’s not dilating very much, however.  Her blood pressure is going dangerously high during the contractions, as is the baby’s heart rate.  They come back down, but Dr. Wexler is growing more and more concerned by the way this labor is progressing.  Her inclination is to just do the Cesarean.

“I think I’ll have them prep an OR, just in case.”  She says after a particularly long contraction.  She’s becoming very uneasy with the situation.  Cat had wanted to push, but she was nowhere near being ready to deliver.

When the next contraction hit just a few minutes later, things started to go downhill in a hurry.  The baby’s heart rate sky-rocketed, and didn’t come down. 

“Something’s wrong.”  Cat said.  “I know it.”

“We’re going to do the C-section.  No more waiting.”  Wexler said to the nurses.  “You can all wait in here.”  She said to the boys and the others.

“Can I g…g…go with her?”  Jamie asked.  “You had s…s…said one time…”

“Right now, no.  I’m not sure what’s going on.  Let me get her to an OR and see, okay.”

Jamie nodded, but didn’t seem happy.  He kissed Cat’s forehead and told her he loved her as they rolled her bed out.

It was nearly an hour later when Dr. Wexler came back.  Jamie could tell just by the look on her face she didn’t have good news.  He and Sid stood up when she came in and walked over to them.  Luc stood with his arm around Diane.  Troy and Taylor stood on either side of Trina.

“Congratulations.  You have a very healthy daughter.”

“Thank god,” Trina whispered.

Sid wrapped his arm around Jamie’s waist and pulled him tight.  “Hear that, Dad.  We have a little girl.”

Jamie hugged Sid for a few seconds then pulled away, turning to Wexler.  “Cat?”

She shook her head.  “We had to do the C-section.  The baby was in extreme distress by the time we got her to the OR.  It was a combination of things, including the cord being around her neck.  During the procedure, we believe Cat threw a blood clot.  She became unresponsive.”

Jamie felt his legs shaking, his knees getting weaker as she talked.  It registered that Diane was saying ‘no’ over and over.

“She went into cardiac arrest.  We were able to revive her, but…”

“N…n…no.  Sid.”  Jamie couldn’t breathe.  This wasn’t happening.

Sid got him to the couch before his legs buckled and he sat down hard.  Jamie buried his face in his hands.  Sid sat next to him, an arm slung over Jamie’s shoulders.

“I’m very sorry.  We have her on a ventilator and are running some neurological tests, but it looks like there has been extensive brain damage from the clot and lack of oxygen to the brain.”  Wexler rested her hand on Jamie’s shoulder.  “As soon as the nurses have the baby cleaned up, they’ll be down to take you to the NICU to see her.”

“NICU?”  Sid asked.  “You said she was healthy.”

“Just a precaution.  She’s a few weeks early.  We just want to make sure there are no complications.”

“Can we see our daughter?”  Luc asked, Diane crying silently on his shoulder.

“Of course.  I’ll send a nurse to take you to her room.”  Wexler said.  “I’m so very sorry.”

Taylor went and sat on the other side of Jamie, putting her head on his shoulder. 

A minute later a nurse came in.  “Mr. and Mrs. St. Croix?  If you’ll follow me.”

Luc started to lead Diane out of the room.  Jamie stood up and started to leave as well.

“Jame?”  Sid said.  “Don’t you want to go see Kylie?”

“I…I… I’m going to see Cat.”

“But, the baby?”  Trina asked.

“I… I… c…c…can’t.”  Jamie didn’t turn around.  Didn’t look back.  He followed Luc and Diane out of the room.

“Sidney?”  His mom sounded worried.

“I know.”

Taylor wrapped her arms around her brother.  “I’m so sorry.”

When the nurse came and took them to see Kylie, Sid thought his heart would burst with the overwhelming feeling of love that washed over him when he saw her.  They held her, feed her, rocked her to sleep.  She was perfect.  Six pounds, two ounces.  Eighteen inches long.  Ten toes and ten fingers, he double checked.  She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

When they finally took her back in to the neo-natal unit, Sid, his parents and Taylor went to find Jamie and the St. Croixes.  Jamie was sitting next to Cat’s bed, his head down next to her hand.  Diane was in a chair next to him, rubbing his back lightly.  Crying.

Luc came over to them.  “How’s Kylie?”

“Beautiful.”  Sid beamed.  He couldn’t help it.  “Perfect.”

“That’s good.  They said we could see her soon, they’d take us up to the nursery.”

“How’s?”

“Not good.  They don’t think she’ll…”

“I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.”  Sid put his hand on the older man’s shoulder.

“He’s not taking it well.”  Luc nodded at Jamie.  “He needs you.”

“Yeah.  Okay.”  Sid walked over and stood behind Jamie.  “Jame?”

Jamie didn’t move.  Didn’t acknowledge Sid’s presence.  Just kept his head down on the bed.

Trina came over to console Diane.  “I’m so sorry.”

“I know.”

After a short time, they decided that the Crosbys would go back to the house.  Sid would stay with Jamie, Diane and Luc.  He knew Jamie wouldn’t leave Cat, and Sid wouldn’t leave Jamie.

Instead of taking them to the NICU, a nurse brought Kylie to Cat’s room. 

“She’s doing very well.  We thought,” She looked at Cat lying on the bed.  “We thought she should meet her mother.”

Sid took her and handed her to Diane.  She and Luc cooed and awed over their granddaughter.  Diane took her over to Cat’s bedside.

“Oh, honey, she’s beautiful.  She’s so perfect.”  She said, leaning down towards her motionless daughter.  “Jamie, you need to hold her.”

Jamie didn’t make a move, just sat holding Cat’s hand, looking at her.  He hadn’t looked up once.  He made no effort to even acknowledge Kylie.

“Jamie?”  Sid went to touch his shoulder, but Jamie jerked away.

“Don’t.”

Diane grimaced.  “Jamie, don’t you want to hold her?”

“No.”  He put his head down on Cat’s arm again. 

Sid shook his head sadly, and sighed heavily.  Diane walked back across the room and sat down, holding Kylie.  They didn’t push the issue again that night.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Dr. Wexler came in to Cat’s room with a neurosurgeon.  Jamie stayed in the room, but Luc, Diane and Sidney stepped out.  Dr. Wexler tried to get Jamie to go, but he wouldn’t.  The neurosurgeon checked various settings on a couple of the monitors, as well as Cat’s reflexes, Cat didn’t respond to anything.  He slowly shook his head at Dr. Wexler and left the room.

“I’m sorry, Jamie.  There’s nothing we can do.  There is no sign of brain activity.”  She said in an even, unemotional, professional tone.  “Cat left papers with me indicating that if anything should happen, you were to have medical power-of-attorney for her.”

Jamie was numb, what she was saying not registering.  He stood and looked blankly at the bed.

“Jamie?  I’m sorry.  But, you’ll need to let us know what to do next.”  She reached out and touched his arm, startling him.  “Jamie.  You need to make some very difficult decisions.  Do you understand?”

Jamie nodded.

“Do you know if Caitlyn ever indicated that she wanted to be an organ donor?”

“I… I don’t know.  I…”  He looked up at her.  “What sh…sh… should I do?  I can’t…”

“I’ll give you some time to talk to her parents and Sid.”

\------------------------------------------

Jamie signed the form on the clipboard and handed it back to Dr. Wexler.  It had taken him two days to make the decision to end the life support.  He hadn’t left the hospital that whole time.  Troy and Trina brought them all changes of clothes as they stayed with Cat.  Sid divided his time between being with Jamie and being with Kylie in the NICU. 

They had determined that Cat had never signed anything indicating that she wanted to be an organ donor.  He deferred to Luc and Diane on that issue, who agreed to it.

Diane and Luc were standing near the bed.  Diane bent down and kissed her daughter’s forehead, then Luc did the same.  Then Sid, kissed her forehead and whispered a soft good-bye.  His family was waiting just outside the room, having already said their good-byes.

Next, Jamie bent over and kissed her cheek.  “I love you.”  He whispered.

They wheeled her bed out to take her to the operating room. 

“Shall we go get our girl and take her home?”  Sid let his hand rest on Jamie’s lower back.  Jamie didn’t move.  “Hey.  I told you they said she was doing well enough to come home today.  Remember?”

“Yeah.”  Jamie said, numbly. 

Luc and Diane walked out of the room.  Jamie and Sid followed them.  Following the procedure, Cat’s body would be taken by the funeral home for cremation.  There was no need to stay, they wouldn’t see her again.  They would all go up to the NICU instead and get Kylie.

Jamie didn’t move when the elevator doors opened, however.  He stood and watched the others step inside.

“Jame?”  Sid questioned.

“No.”

“What?”  He held his hand up to stop the doors which had started to close.  “Jamie, we need to go get Kylie.”

“No.  I’m not going up.  I… just….”  Jamie turned and walked away, leaving them all standing there in stunned silence.


	31. If I Stay, You'll Just Leave Me Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What the fuck are you doing?”
> 
> “Leaving.”
> 
> “Why? What the hell? You don’t call. You don’t come home. You won’t talk to me.”
> 
> “It’s for the best. If I s…s…stay, something bad is going to happen to you,” Jamie sighs, “or Ky…Ky…Kylie.”
> 
> “The worst thing that could happen to us is you leaving?” Sid tried to reach out and touch Jamie, who jerks away. “What could be as bad as that?”

“Has he called you?  It’s a simple fucking question, Tanger.”

“What did his note say again?” Kris asked.

“Need time to think.”  Sid told him.  “Looks like he just scribbled it in a hurry.  Fuck, Tanger.  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  Where the hell would he go?”

“Don’t panic, yet.  He’s done this before, remember.  When he just needs to figure things out.  I’m sure he’ll be home soon.”

“You didn’t see him.  And I called Flower, Dumo, everyone I thought he’d call. Nothing.”

“You call me last, eh?  Don’t you think he’d call me first?  Huh?  But, no.  You call me last.”

“Has he called you?  Jesus, can’t you just answer that one question.”

“Don’t you think he’d have called me first?”  Tanger continued.  “I mean, we all know who his favorite is, eh?”

“Oh my god, this isn’t a who does Jamie like best contest.  I’m fucking worried about him.”

“He’s at Dumo’s.”

“What?  How do you know that?”

“You should have called me first.”  Tanger said smugly.  “He texted me over an hour ago.”

“You’re an asshole.  You could have just said that.”  Sid sounded relieved, and annoyed.  “You could have fucking called me.”

“He asked me not to.”

“What did he say?”

“He’ll call you.  You ask him, eh.”

“Did he tell you he hasn’t held Kylie?  Barely looked at her the one time he saw her?” 

Tanger whistled through his teeth.  “No.  He didn’t tell me that.”

“I know what’s going on.  Everyone he loves leaves him.”  Sid said.  “That and he’s feeling guilty that this is his fault.  He asked her to do this and now…”

“I’m sure that is what he is thinking.”

“Fuck.  I knew.  I should have told him this could happen.”

“You knew?  How could you know this would happen?”

“Cat lost a baby before.  Same kind of issues, but earlier in the pregnancy.  She nearly died then.  They told her having a baby would be high risk for her.  She told me about it, but we never told Jamie.  Well, we didn’t tell him all of it, that she'd nearly died then.”

“Yes.  You should have told him.”

“That’s all you have to say?  No, Sid you’re an idiot.  Sid you should have known?  Sid you’re an asshole?”

“No.  I think you are doing a good job beating yourself up.”

“Thanks.  So, he texted, did you talk to him, I mean actually talk to him?”

“No.  He just said if you called to tell you he was okay.  Not going to do anything stupid, you know.”

“Leaving was stupid.”

“Yes.  You know that.  I know that.  He is stupid.  Give him time to figure things out.  He’ll talk to who he needs to and he’ll be home tomorrow.  Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Now, tell me all about bringing my beautiful god-daughter home.”

\---------------------------------------------

The problem is, Jamie doesn’t come home the next day.  He sends Sid a text saying that he’ll be by at some point to get some things. Sid drove to Brian’s, but Jamie wasn’t there.  He even waited several hours, but Jamie didn’t come back.  Sid finally texted him and Jamie said he wasn’t staying there any longer.  He wouldn’t tell Sid where he was staying.

They held a memorial for Cat a week later.  Jamie arrived with Brian, who had flown down for the service.  The tension between Jamie and Sid was palatable.  The several Pens players and staff in attendance noticed the distance between the two. 

Mario and Nathalie hosted a luncheon after the service.  Sid leaves Kylie with her grandmothers and watches for Jamie to show up.  When Brian shows up alone, Sid corners him.

“Where is he?”  Sid demands.

“He went to the house, to get some more things.”  Brian stares at the ground, scuffing his foot nervously.

“Is he coming here then?”

“No. I’m gonna go get him when he texts.”

“Fuck that.”  Sid swears.

A few minutes later he slams the door to their house open.

“Jamie!  Where the fuck are you?”  When Jamie doesn’t answer, Sid storms up the stairs.

Jamie is tossing clothes into a duffle.  He doesn’t bother to look up or acknowledge Sid.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Leaving.”

“Why?  What the hell?  You don’t call.  You don’t come home.  You won’t talk to me.”

“It’s for the best.  If I s…s…stay, something bad is going to happen to you,” Jamie sighs, “or Ky…Ky…Kylie.”

“The worst thing that could happen to us is you leaving?”  Sid tried to reach out and touch Jamie, who jerks away.  “What could be as bad as that?”

“You don’t get…get… it.  Bad things ha…hap…happen to people I love.  C…Cat w…w…would have been fine if I’d have just s…s…stayed out of her life.”

“You can’t blame yourself.  She knew the risk, Jame.  She said yes anyway.”

Jamie hesitated for a minute, his hands resting on a pile of clothes in a dresser drawer.  His hands clench around the shirts and he yanks them out of the drawer, walking to the duffle on the bed and jamming them in it.  He looks up and glares at Sid.

“S…s…she knew the risk? Yeah.  B…b…but she wouldn’t have done t…t…this if I w…w…would not have asked.” 

“She could have said no.”  Sid told him.

Jamie ignored that comment, continuing to throw things in his duffle.  He walked into the bathroom and brought out his travel case. 

“You’ve always said you didn’t want to be like James.  You walk out that door and you’re being just like him.  Turning your back on your daughter.  Not loving her enough.”  Sid challenged. 

This was how Jamie dealt with things, Kris had been right in that observation.  Jamie would leave, then come back.  Sid attributed a lot of Jamie’s behavior to his mental health issues.  That he reacted the way he did because of the PTSD and the depression.  Sid had always tread lightly in those areas.  In any of their spats, he’d never used Jamie’s past, specifically things about his biological father, against Jamie.  Now, he thought it was his last shot at making Jamie see what he was doing was wrong.  He’d either get him to recognize the similarity or push Jamie further away with that accusation.        

“Fuck you.”  Jamie grabbed the strap of his duffle, not bothering to zip it up, and slung it over his shoulder.  “It…it’s b…b…because I love you both too much t…t…too let you get hurt b…b…because of me.”

He shouldered past Sid.  He got to the bottom of the stairs and froze.  Luc was standing in front of the door.

“We need to talk.”  Luc didn’t look mad.  His face looked worn, however, the last week taking its toll on him.  “You need to hear this before you make a mistake that you’ll regret.”

Sid had followed Jamie downstairs, intending to physically stop him from leaving if he had to.  Jamie thought about just shoving past Luc, but didn’t.  Instead, he turned and walked towards the doors to the back patio.

Luc took a couple of steps to follow him, stopping in front of Sid for a moment.

“Let me talk to him.  He needs to know the truth, all of it.  Things Cat never told you.”  Luc put his hand on Sid’s shoulder.  “The real reason she did this for you.”

“I don’t?”

“I’ll tell you after I talk to him.  Or, I’ll let him tell you.”  Luc continued out to the patio.

\-----------------------------------------------

Jamie had tossed his bag on one of the lounge chairs and was sitting on another chair.  He was leaning forward, elbows on his knees, his head in his hands, which covered his face.  Luc pulled a chair close to his and sat down.

“You m…must hate me.”  Jamie said into his hands.

“At one time, maybe I thought I did.”  Luc admitted.  “But I don’t.”

“Both of them.”  Jamie rocked back and forth in the chair.  “They’re b…b…both g…g…gone because of m…m…me.”

“You know that’s not true.”  Luc rested his hand on Jamie’s knee.  “Caitlyn knew the risk.  She did this because she loved you, and… because she wanted to make things right with you.  To give you the chance to have a child that she didn’t give you before.”

Jamie lifted his face slowly, his forehead scrunched in confusion at Luc’s words.

“She told you she lost a baby.  She didn’t tell you she almost died then, too, did she?”

“No.” 

“It was a choice between saving her or the baby.  We chose Caitlyn, but it didn’t matter.  By the time we did, the baby was already gone.  They didn’t have to do a C-section then, but it was very hard on her, losing the baby.”

“She said it was part of what ended her marriage.”

“She did?  Sounds about right.  That’s what she’d say to keep you from asking too many questions.”  He mused, more to himself than Jamie.

“What do you mean?”  Jamie sat back, his hands nervously clenching the arms of the chair.

“Caitlyn was pregnant and lost the baby before she ever met Chad McMasters.  She was only 18.  She found out after she went back to school that fall.  She didn’t tell us until things started to go wrong.  She was just going to have the baby and give him up for adoption at first, but then she’d decided to keep it.  Raise it alone.”

Jamie’s mind is spinning.  That would have been after the summer he and Cat first hooked up.  If she’d gotten pregnant to some other guy when she went back to school, that explained why she never called or texted him.

“She never told the father.”  Luc continued.  “She didn’t want to ruin his life, or his chances to have a hockey career.  He was only 16 and had a promising future ahead of him.”

“What?” 

“And, by the time things happened, you were already with Kyle.  She knew that he’d be devastated if he found out, so we never told him that she was even pregnant.  He thought she’d had appendicitis and that’s why her mother and I rushed to see her.”

Jamie’s face goes ashen as Luc’s words hit him.  His.  Cat had lost his baby.

“She did this, had Kylie, because she felt she owed it to you.  We, Diane and I, tried to talk her out of it.  Because of the risk, but she was bound and determined that it was okay.  She’d take the risk.  I think, she was more worried about losing the baby again than she was about her own life.”

“S…s…she did this?  For me?  God, how could y…y…you n…not hate me.”

“I hated you back then.  For getting her pregnant.  For Kyle.”  Luc confided.  “But now, no, I don’t hate you.  I told Caitlyn that she could learn a lesson from you, on forgiveness.  I did.  And I think maybe in the end, she did, too.”

Jamie shook his head back and forth slowly.  “I don’t under… understand.”

“You gave me back my daughter.  We’d gotten closer again these last few months.   And that’s because of you, I heard.  You got Caitlyn to let her mother and I come here.  We got to be a part of her life again, and we have a beautiful granddaughter because of you.”

Jamie tipped his head back, staring up at the sky.  He blinked several times as the tears formed in his eyes.

“Caitlyn said you and Sidney would be great fathers.  I told her I knew that.  But now, you haven’t even held that little girl.  She’s yours, son.  It’s not her fault what happened.  Caitlyn would want you to just love her.”

“I do love her.  Th..that’s why I… I… n…n…need to leave.”  Jamie wipes his eyes.  “S…s…so she doesn’t g…g…get hurt because of me.”

“I could hear you and Sidney arguing.  He’s right, you know.  The only bad thing, the worse thing for Kylie and Sidney would be for you to walk away from them.”

“It’s b…b…because of me.  Why…why things happen.  J…James w…w…was right.  It… it’s all m…my f…fault.”  Jamie stuttered out, trying to choke back the tears.

“It’s nobody’s fault.  People die and it’s nobody’s fault, Jamie.  You can’t control it any more than you can stop the world from spinning.  Life happens.  You know that.  You told me how you had been working on all that, everything you’d gone through.  You know that what you’re thinking isn’t right.  Running away from everyone you love isn’t the answer.”  Luc leaned in towards Jamie.  “I told you about Caitlyn to get you to see that.  She loved you.  She chose to have Kylie for you, and I think for herself, too. How do you think she’d feel if it was all for nothing?  If she died, and you walked away from your daughter because of it.  Sid said it.  You’d be doing what James Russell did to you.  Can’t you see that.  Can’t you see how wrong your thinking is?  Can’t you see how that is hurting Sidney, how it will hurt Kylie, more than anything that could ever happen to them?”

Jamie chewed on his lower lip.  He closed his eyes tightly.  And the release came.  He fell forward, and Luc caught him.  Jamie sobbed uncontrollably as Luc held him.

\--------------------------------------

Sid sat on the couch, his head tipped back against the cushions, his eyes shut.  He wondered what Luc could be telling Jamie.  What was the whole truth about Cat’s other pregnancy?  His mind ran through every possibility he could think of.  Then he remembered something that Cat had said to him when he had been injured in January and they’d had some extensive talks about Jamie and why Cat was doing this.  It had been an off-handed remark that Sid hadn’t picked up on at the time.

“I should have given him this before.”  She had said.

“Holy shit.  It was his baby.”  Sid said out loud.

“Yes it was.” 

Luc’s voice startles Sid, who sits up with a jerk.  He hears Jamie going upstairs.

“He’s not leaving.”  Luc stated. 

“Why didn’t she tell him?”

“She had her reasons.  It doesn’t really matter now.” 

“I should go talk to him.”  Sid started to get up.

“I’d just let him be for a bit.”  Luc held up his hand for Sid to stop.

“That’s what I hear all the time, give him some space.  I don’t know if that’s gonna work this time.”  Sid walked past Luc and took the stairs two at a time.

Luc sat down and put his head in his hands.  He’d kept his emotions bottled up all week, being strong for Diane.  He finally let himself cry for his daughter.

Sid cautiously opened the bedroom door.  Jamie was sitting on the edge of the bed typing on his phone.

“Just telling Dumes he does…doesn’t need to c…c…come get me.”  Jamie says without looking up.  “I’m staying house.”

Sid couldn’t help smiling.  Jamie’s language use had improved so much, but he still said house instead of home.  Every time. 

“Okay.”  Sid said softly.  He went and sat down next to Jamie.  “I’m sorry I yelled.”

“N…n…no you’re not.” 

“No.  I’m not.”  Sid said sarcastically, trying to lighten things up.  He bumped his shoulder against Jamie’s.  “We okay?”

“I… I… don’t know.”  Jamie kept his focus on his phone.

“Fair enough.”

“Did Luc tell you?”

“Yeah.”  Sid nodded.  “I’m sorry about that, too.”

“Yeah.  Me too.” 

Jamie stood up and walked around to the other side of the bed.  He laid his phone down on the nightstand and climbed on to the bed, stretching out with his back to Sid. 

Sid waited for just a minute, thinking about what his next move should be, before climbing on the bed and stretching out behind Jamie.  He draped his arm over Jamie’s waist.  They laid there, saying nothing, until they both fell asleep.


	32. Sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s after midnight when the front door opens and Jamie walks in to the dark house. Sid hears him toss his keys in the bowl by the door.   
> “Where have you been?”
> 
> “Out.” Jamie says into the darkness. His eyes straining in the darkness to find Sid.
> 
> “You just dropped her off with Mom. Not a word about why. Nothing about where you were going or if you’d be back.”
> 
> “I’m going to bed.” Jamie knows Sid’s on the couch now. He starts to walk towards the stairs. Sid is up in an instant and behind him. He grabs Jamie’s arm and spins him around, keeping his hand clasped around the arm.
> 
> “Fuck you are. We’re talking about this now. What the fuck, Jamie. I’ve tried. I thought if I made you spend some time with her that you’d see, that you’d come around. But you keep pulling farther and farther away from us.”
> 
> Jamie tries to pull his arm away, but Sid holds tight.

They have two weeks to adjust to life with a newborn before they absolutely have to be in Cole Harbour for hockey school which starts on July 8th.   And, even though he is back at the house, Jamie still has not embraced fatherhood.  Sid is thankful that Luc and Diane have stayed to help him with Kylie, his family has headed back to Nova Scotia to get ready for the school.

Jamie barely speaks to him.  He spends a lot of time in the bedroom, sleeping or just being away from everyone.  Sid recognizes the signs.  Depression.  Jamie gets up in the mornings and goes to his speech therapy.  He spends another hour with Diane in the afternoon working on words.  Sid knows he’s going to his physical therapy, but the PT called to let Sid know Jamie’s attitude and approach to his rehab had drastically changed, and not for the better.

Sid’s not sure what to do.  Give him time.  Give him space.  It’s easy for his friends to offer that advice.  They aren’t with him all the time. 

Sid was rocking Kylie one afternoon and looked up to find Jamie leaning against the door frame watching them.  When he saw that Sid had noticed him, he walked away.  Kylie was sleeping in a bassinette in their bedroom for now, even though the crib was set up.  Sid had read that it was safer for the baby for the first three to six months.  When she cries in the middle of the night, Jamie nudges Sid awake, then rolls back over and ignores her.  Sid’s becoming an expert at changing diapers and two o’clock feedings while being half asleep.

He has help in Pittsburgh.  He’ll have help in Cole Harbour.  He just wishes that help was Jamie.

But, at least he’s still there.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

They drive Luc and Diane to the airport the day before they need to be in Cole Harbour.  Diane cries when she says good-bye to Kylie.  Sid gives Luc a hug.  People change he thinks, including himself.  Sid is truly sorry to see them leave.  Jamie doesn’t say much, but he hugs them both and says good-bye.

The next day, they fly by charter to Nova Scotia.  Taylor and Trina pick them up at the airport.  Sid drives home, with Jamie riding shotgun, so that Trina and Taylor can fuss and coo over Kylie, whose car seat is between them in the backseat.  It’s only been a couple of weeks, but Trina swears she’s grown like a weed. 

When they get to the lake house, it’s nice that his family has already come and opened the place up, cleaning and airing it out after the winter.  Jamie carries their luggage in, then heads for the bedroom.  Sid sits in the living room with his mom and sister while they continue to fuss and coo over Kylie.

“Still nothing with him?”  Taylor questions.

“No.”  Sid sighs.  “But I have a plan.”

“A plan?”  Taylor hums.  “Is it, a good plan or an evil plan?”

“Evil.”  Sid smirks.  “Of course.  I’m gonna need some help.”

“Count us in.”  Trina kisses Kylie’s head as she’s holding her.  “I can’t imagine not wanting to just cuddle and love this precious bean.”

The morning of the first day of hockey school, Sid gets up early and does all of Kylie’s morning routine.  Bottle.  Bath.  Cuddles. And back to sleep.  Then he gets himself ready.  Jamie sits at the kitchen island watching Sid putt around.

“Mom’s coming to watch Kylie, right?  Shouldn’t she be here by now?”

“She said she’d be here.  I have to get going.”  Sid looks at him.  “You could come to school.  The kids will miss you not being there.”

Jamie has shown no interest in skating, even though his therapist told him it would be okay, and probably good for him, to get back on the ice. 

“Nah.  Kylie’s sleeping, so it should be good until Mom gets here.”  He gets up and goes to Sid, giving him a kiss on the cheek.  “Have fun.”

“Thanks.”  Sid watches Jamie walk out of the kitchen.  He sighs heavily. 

\----------------------------------------------------

Jamie:  _Mom’s not here yet.  What up?_

Sid:  _She just called me.  Something came up and she can’t come.  You’ll just have to take care of her._

Sid’s phone rings a couple of seconds later.  Sid steps to a quiet place where no one will hear him before he answers.  This isn’t going to be pretty.

“What do you mean she can’t come?”

“That’s what she said.  Jesus, it’s not like you’ve never taken care of a baby before.”

“That’s not the point.”

“Look.  It’s been over four weeks.  I’m tired of this bullshit.  You’re Kylie’s father and it’s fucking time you started acting like it.”

There is silence on the other end of the call, then the connection ends.  Well, he wasn’t expecting that reaction.  He should call him back.  Not that he wants to have this argument over the phone, but there are times when it’s just easier.  He’ll admit it.

He doesn’t call.

The house is quiet when he gets home.  He’s brought dinner, a peace offering of Jamie’s favorite foods.  When he doesn’t find them anywhere downstairs, he leaves the food in the kitchen and makes his way up to the bedroom.

Kylie is sleeping in her bassinette.  Jamie is sitting on the bed, back against the head board, legs stretched out.  He’s got his laptop open and is watching videos.

“Hey.  How was your day?”  Jamie asks, looking up as Sid comes in.

“Good first day.  The kids are really enthusiastic this year.”  He goes to check on Kylie.  “And how’d you make out.”

“Fine.  She’s been down for about an hour.”  Jamie shut down his laptop and closed it up.  He stood up with it and started to leave.

“Where’re you going?  I brought dinner.” 

“For a drive.  I’m not hungry.”

“Can we talk about this?”

Jamie stops.  “I can’t help what I think, the way I feel.  I’m trying.  I spent two hours on the phone with Janet today, okay.”

“Okay.  That’s good.  Want to talk about that?  What you talked to her about?”  Sid tried to get Jamie to open up.  They’d been doing so well with talking about things since Jamie’s stay at Parkerson.  Lately, not so good.  Not since Cat’s death.  Jamie had shut down.

“No.  I’m just gonna go for a drive.  I’ll be back later.” 

\-------------------------------------

Sid rolls over.  The red numbers on the digital clock read 2:48. The bed next to him is empty.  Kylie is crying. 

“You got her, Jame?”

There’s no answer.  Sid reaches over to touch the sheets. 

Cold.

Fuck.  He’d gone to sleep before Jamie came home.  Now, he wasn’t sure Jamie had come back.

He takes care of Kylie before he goes to see if Jamie is at least somewhere in the house.  Diaper.  Bottle.  Rocking.  Sid almost falls back asleep himself as he rocks her to sleep.  Once she’s out again, he goes in search of Jamie.

He finds him in the guest room, sound asleep.  He should wake him up.  They should have it out over this, over Jamie’s behavior.  Sid wants to yell.  Wants to just slap Jamie upside the head and tell him to get over it. 

He knows he can’t do that.  It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to.

What he does is go back to sleep. 

The next morning, Jamie is up and dressed by the time Sid gets up.  He’s taking care of Kylie, giving her a bottle as they sit in the rocking chair.  Well, that’s a step in the right direction Sid thinks.  Sid gets up and goes about getting ready for his day at hockey school. 

The only thing Jamie says to him is, “I guess Mom’s not coming again today?”

Sid nods.  Jamie huffs.  Sid leaves.

As soon as Sid gets home later that day, Jamie is out the door again.  It’s the same scenario as Monday.  Sid waking up to feed Kylie.  Jamie sleeping in the guest room.

Wednesday morning, Jamie doesn’t say anything to Sid.

Wednesday night is a repeat of the first two days.  Sid is getting frustrated.  The tension is building and something needs to give.  Soon.  Sid manages to make it through hockey school before he confronts Jamie.

But once camp is over on Friday, the dam breaks.

\--------------------------------------------------

Trina texts him around noon on Friday.  Jamie’s dropped Kylie off and then just left without saying where he was going.  Sid nearly comes unglued, but keeps himself together until after the kids and their families leave.  He blows up when Nate asks if he wants to go get a beer, which leaves Nate worried about his friends when Sidney just leaves without any explanation. 

Sid picks up Kylie.  Trina tries to talk to him about what’s going on, but Sidney won’t say anything.  He tells her it’s fine.  And leaves.

Jamie isn’t at the house when Sid gets there.  He eats something, even though he’s really not hungry.  He feeds Kylie, gives her a bath and puts her down for the night.  Then he sits and waits for Jamie to come home.

It’s after midnight when the front door opens and Jamie walks in to the dark house.  Sid hears him toss his keys in the bowl by the door.    
“Where have you been?”

“Out.”  Jamie says into the darkness.  His eyes straining in the darkness to find Sid.

“You just dropped her off with Mom.  Not a word about why.  Nothing about where you were going or if you’d be back.”

“I’m going to bed.”  Jamie knows Sid’s on the couch now.  He starts to walk towards the stairs.  Sid is up in an instant and behind him.  He grabs Jamie’s arm and spins him around, keeping his hand clasped around the arm.

“Fuck you are.  We’re talking about this now.  What the fuck, Jamie.  I’ve tried.  I thought if I made you spend some time with her that you’d see, that you’d come around.  But you keep pulling farther and farther away from us.”

Jamie tries to pull his arm away, but Sid holds tight. 

“I told you how I feel.  You’ve tried?  I’ve fucking tried, Sid.  But it’s in my head all day, every day.  And you, you’ve become just like everybody else.  You don’t get it.  You think I should just be okay.”  Jamie snaps.

Jamie doesn’t stutter once, doesn’t hesitate over any words, which should be a clue to Sid at just how mad he is, his words coming out without force.  Driven by raw emotion.

“She’s your daughter.  I don’t get it.  How can you not love her?  How can you not want to be with her?  Hold her?”  Sid fumed.  “Cat died, Jamie.  I’m sorry.  But it’s not her fault.  You can’t hold Cat dying against Kylie, like James held your mother’s death against you.”

“Fuck you!”  Jamie swore.  “I fucking told you that wasn’t what I think.  See, you don’t fucking get it.”

“Are you sure?  You say it’s because you think something will happen to us if you stay.  Right?  That’s what you think?  I don’t believe it.  I think you blame her for Cat dying.  You blame her and you blame yourself.”

Jamie brought his hand up and grabbed the wrist of Sid’s arm that was holding his other arm.  He yanked it off and pushed Sid away.  He turned to go up the stairs, but Sid’s arms came around him, pulling him back.  Jamie went with Sid, letting his weight work against Sid and to his advantage.  He heard Sid ‘oof’ when they hit the wall.

Jamie twists and turns, pushing back against Sid as he does. 

“Fuck!”  Sid cursed.  “Stop it!”

Jamie elbowed him in the ribs.  Sid wasn’t entirely sure it wasn’t on purpose.  His breath came out in a rush and he had to let go of Jamie, who bolted up the stairs.  Sid recovered quickly, as he would from a check to the boards, and followed Jamie.

He put his hand up and stopped the door to the guest room from slamming in his face.  Jamie turned to face him.

“Get out!”  Jamie yelled.  “Get the fuck out and leave me alone.”

“Fuck that!”  Sid countered.  “I’m right, aren’t I?  You blame her.  That’s what’s behind all this.  Just the way he blamed you.”

“N…n…no.”  It’s the first Jamie has stuttered since the argument started.  “I t…t…told you.”

“Bullshit!” 

“I…I’m not doing th…th…this.”  Jamie stammered.  He turned away, intending to walk away.

He was shutting down again.  Sid had gotten him to almost break, to almost talk about what was going on.  He needed to keep pushing.

“Don’t turn your back on me.”  He yelled, grabbing at Jamie’s arm again.  “We’re not done with this.”

Jamie pulled his arm back.  Sid, instead of letting up, threw his arms around Jamie’s waist and drove them towards the bed.  They landed with a thud, Sid on top of Jamie. 

Normally, Sid knew that Jamie could probably take him in a fight.  He had Sid by a good five inches and maybe a few pounds, and he was one strong son-of-a-bitch.  Normally.  But Jamie was still recovering from his injury.  He hadn’t been working out.  Sid had.  He used that, and his leverage from being on top, to pin Jamie’s hands to the bed.  He straddled Jamie’s hips and held him down.

“Get off me!”

“No!”

“Fuck you!”  Jamie tried to buck and kick under him.

“That’s it.  Get mad.  Get fucking mad at me.  Yell.  Kick.  Do fucking something.  Cause not talking about it isn’t gonna cut it anymore.”

“Get the fuck off me!”  Jamie swore.  “Get off!”

“Not until you talk to me.  Not until you admit what the problem is.”

“I fucking t…t…told you.”  Jamie stills under him.  “I…I… told you.”

“The truth?”

Jamie’s chest heaved under Sid as he fought to hold it inside.  It was a losing battle.

“Y…y…yes.  I told you.  If I, if I s…s…stay, you’ll b…b…both get hurt.   I d…d…don’t blame her for wh…what happened.  I don’t.  Oh Christ.  I l…l….love her so much, Sid.  She… she’s p…p…perfect.”

Sid’s head drops.

“Th…this week.  I h…h…held her.  I  s…s…sang to her.  She’s s…s…so b..b…beauty.  To…to…today.  I c…c…couldn’t s…s…stop f…f…feeling s…s…scared.   I kn…know it it w…w…wasn’t her.  It it was m…m…my fault.  It w…w…was all m…m…my fault.  J…j…just like James.  J…j…just like every th…thing.”  Jamie stuttered through the words, his voice shaking with emotion.  With hurt.  With fear.

Sid felt Jamie’s body shake with each breath, fighting back the sobs. 

“It’s not your fault.  Luc told you.  He said you understood why Cat did this, why she took the risk.”

Jamie shook his head side-to-side.  “No.  It’s my f…fault.  I b…b…believed them.  I tr…tried to.  Janet, Stone.  B…but y…y…you have to see now.  I was true.  B…b…bad things happen t…t…to everyone I love.  I c…c…can’t let that hap…happen to you.”

Sid brought his head down, letting his forehead rest against Jamie’s.

“Nothing bad could ever happen to me because of you being with me.  But if you left me, that would be the worst thing.  I told you that.”

“I…I’m s…s…sorry.”

“For what?”  Sid kisses Jamie’s cheek, wet with tears.  “Nothing to be sorry about.”

“I thought I’d g…g…gotten p…p…past feelings.  Thinking.”

“Just a little set-back.  We’ll get through this.”

“F…f…fucking h…h…head.” 

Sid wonders if Jamie is blaming this more on his injury than Cat’s death.  He thought Jamie was dealing with the injury okay, he was getting better, talking about playing this fall.  Then Cat died.  Sid had talked to Janet and they both agreed that her death was probably the trigger for the reoccurrence of the PTSD signs.

“We’ll get through this.  I promise.  You just can’t shut me out.  Please.”  Sid brings his lips to Jamie’s.  “Please don’t ever leave me.”

He presses the kiss to Jamie’s mouth, parting his lips.  Jamie doesn’t respond at first, then he brings his head up, leaning into the kiss.  Sid runs his hands down Jamie’s arms, which he’d had pinned above Jamie’s head.  Sid’s hands come down to cup Jamie’s face as he kisses him again and again.

It’s been since before Jamie’s injury since they were together like this.  Sid plies Jamie’s mouth with kisses, strokes his cheeks with his thumbs.  Jamie has stopped sobbing and sighs softly into Sid’s mouth.  

“I’m sorry.”  Jamie says again when Sid pulls back to look down at him in the moonlight that is filtering in through the windows.  Jamie’s cheeks are tear stained, his eyes still glistening from the tears.

“I love you, so much.  I thought I was going to lose you, baby boy.”

“I’m sorry.”  Jamie whispers again as Sid’s mouth comes back down to cut off the words. 

Jamie’s arms come down, his hands going to Sid’s shoulders to pull him closer.  His hips rock up against Sid’s and he moans softly.  Sid’s mouth slides along Jamie’s jaw and down his neck. 

Sid starts to say something to Jamie, to ask him if this is okay, but he’s distracted when he hears Kylie crying.  She could have been crying for some time without him realizing it he’d been so focused on Jamie.

“Ky…Kylie.”  Jamie says.

“Yeah.”  Sid lets him go and moves off Jamie.  Before he can get up though, Jamie scrambles off the bed and heads to the master bedroom.

“I’ll g…get her.  Stay here.”  Jamie tells him.

A few minutes later, Jamie comes back with Kylie in his arms, hushing her softly.

“Did she need changed?” 

“N…no.  I think we w…woke her.”  Jamie whispered.  “S…s…she quieted the second I picked her up.  I got her a b…b…bottle, though.”

Sid shifted and propped his back up against the headboard.  Jamie climbed on the bed with Kylie in his arms.  He settled so his butt was against Sid’s hip and his upper body was across Sid’s chest when he leaned back into his embrace.  Jamie rested his head on Sid’s shoulder while Sid wrapped his arms around him.  Kylie was half in Jamie’s arms, half on Sid’s chest.

Jamie held the bottle while Kylie drank it.  He started to sing softly.

“You are my s…sunshine.  My only sunshine…” 

He finished the song and gave Kylie a kiss on top of her head.  “Night, Sunshine.”

“Sunshine?”  Sid whispered.

“Y…yeah.”

“But…”

“Beau?”

“Yeah.”

“T…t…too bad.”

Jamie nuzzled his face into Sid’s neck.  “It’s h…h…her.”

“Okay, baby boy.  If that’s what you want.”  Sid kissed his forehead.  “I love you.  Don’t ever stop believing that.”

\-----------------------------------

Saturday morning Sid’s eyes fluttered open when he heard someone calling his name.  He looked around the room, finally focusing on Nate who was standing in the doorway.

“Um, good morning?”  Sid yawned.

“I got worried.  I’ve been texting and calling for over an hour.”  Nate replied.  “I thought you killed him.  Oh, and good morning.”

Sid heard Kylie cooing and looked down.  She was wide awake but not fussing.  He moved a little, and Jamie stirred in his arms.

“Hhhhmmmm…”  He mumbled as he woke up.  “What?”

“We have company.  Nate’s here.”  Sid nodded towards the door.  “He thought I killed you.”

“Mmmmm…. He tried.”  Jamie smirked.

They noticed Nate was looking at his phone instead of them.

“Nate?”

“Oh, sorry.  Was getting a text from Gabe.  He likes the picture I sent him.”

“What picture?”  Sid says cautiously.

“You guys looked so cute laying there together, so I snapped a pic before I woke you up.  I sent it to a bunch of guys.”

“Can I see?”  Sid asks.

Nate comes over to the bed and leans over to show them the picture.

“I like it.”  Jamie says, tipping his head up to give Sid a kiss.

“Send it to me.”  Sid tells Nate.

Later that day, the Pittsburgh Penguins social media accounts all post the picture.  Jamie in Sid’s arms, both of them asleep, baby Kylie wide-eyed laying with them.

 _Kylie Crosby and Dads._   The caption reads.


	33. Ups and Downs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at the hotel later, Jamie comes out of the bathroom and flops down on the bed next to Sid, who’s sitting with his back against the headboard reading. 
> 
> “Good day?” Sid asks, swiping to the next page on his reader. “It was a nice party. They seem happy.”
> 
> “Yeah. It was a good day.” Jamie rolls over so he can lay his head against Sid’s chest. “I got to dance with a good-looking man. And, with you too.”
> 
> “Ha ha. Cute.” Sid taps the top of Jamie’s head with his reader. “See if I save you next time.”
> 
> “Uh, huh. Whatever.” Jamie smiles to himself. He gently pokes Sid in the thigh. 
> 
> “What?” Sid tips his book down and glared at Jamie.
> 
> “L…l…less reading and more rubbing.” Jamie looks up at him.

The week after hockey school, they leave Kylie with Troy and Trina and fly to Vancouver for the Benn-Seguin wedding reception.  Everyone is disappointed that they didn’t bring the baby, but Sid says it would have been too much for her.  In reality, he thinks it’s too much for Jamie, too. 

Things are better. in that Jamie is helping take care of Kylie now.  He’s still not doing as well as Sid would like.  He hasn’t started running in the mornings.  He skips his physical therapy more than he goes.  He is still going to speech therapy, mostly because they are using music therapy now and he likes that.  He still sleeps a lot, or locks himself in his room alone often.  They talk, but not about anything significant.

Vancouver in July is warm, not sweltering, so an outside party is the plan.  The party is at Bennie’s parents’ place on the island.  A very informal barbeque.

There’s a band and a dance floor set up, but Jamie picks a table far away from it.  They end up sitting with Nate, Dutchy and their significant others.  People who won’t ask, or care, if Jamie doesn’t join in on much of the conversation.  As the evening progresses, they end up moving to a group of tables up near the head table with a bunch of the other hockey players in attendance, much as everyone had done at their reception.

Segs comes over and plops himself down on Jamie’s lap.  He’s been trying to get Jamie to dance, without much success.  Sid only got him on the dance floor twice, way outside the norm for Jamie.

“You not dance with me yet, baby Penguin.”  He says in his best Alexander Ovechkin voice.  “Come dance!”

Jamie shakes his head.  “Not up to it.”

Tyler grabs his hand and pulls Jamie up as he stands.  He leans close so he can whisper in Jamie’s ear. “Yeah.  You need to dance with me.  I got a bet to win.”

“Fuck, Segs.”  Jamie groans.  “No.”

Tyler doesn’t listen, but drags Jamie out to the dance floor.  He motions to the DJ and the song changes.  Tyler slides up behind Jamie and slips his arms around Jamie’s waist, pulling their hips together.  He starts grinding to the music.

“I bet Bennie boy that I could make Sid jealous.”  Tyler hooks his chin on Jamie’s shoulder and works his hands up and down Jamie’s chest.

“We’re an old wedding couple.”  Jamie said, not really getting into the song.  “He does… doesn’t g…get jealous.”

Tyler laughed.  He’d talked to Jamie on the phone enough times since his injury to know what he meant, even when the wrong word came out, as long as it was in the neighborhood.  Jamie was getting better with that, at least getting a word that meant the same most of the time now.

“Doesn’t mean he won’t get a little green.  Come on, it’s Crosby.”

“Wh…what about getting Chubs g…g…green?”  If he was stuck dancing, might as well make things interesting.

“I don’t know.  We’ve been together longer than you two.  We can try.”

Jamie let himself lean back against Tyler.  “Okay.  H…h…how much was the bet?”

“Five hundred.”

“Whew.”  Jamie whistled.  “Serious.”

He turned smoothly in Tyler’s arms and twirled Tyler around so that they had changed positions.  Jamie wrapped his arms around Tyler, who reached down and held Jamie’s hips.

“L… l… lean your head back on my shoulder.”  Jamie said.

This position was by far the more seductive.  Jamie towering over Tyler, enveloping him in his arms.  Jamie rolled his hips back and forth to the music.  He tipped his head down neck to Tyler’s neck.

“You smell good.”  He mouthed very slowly, then looked up through his lashes to make sure Sid was looking.  When he saw the reaction, he knew Sid had read his lips.

“First one to cut in?”  Tyler whispered.

“Bet.”

Tyler scanned the party and found his Jamie, standing near the cake table talking to some of the Stars who came.  Bennie wasn’t paying any attention to his husband dancing.  Well, crap.  Tyler stared at him, sending telepathic messages for him to look up.  He was supposed to be paying attention to see if Sid got jealous, not talking to Bish.

Jamie had the advantage.  First, he was behind Tyler, so Ty couldn’t see him getting Sid’s attention.  Second, Jamie wasn’t above cheating to win this bet.  Instead of making Sidney jealous, he intended to make Sid feel sorry for him.  Guilty even.  Then, Sid would come to his rescue.

He looked at him with his best, soft, pleading, puppy eyes.  Sid’s expression changed.  Jamie rested his head on Tyler’s shoulder, closed his eyes slowly and sighed heavily.

“What are you doing?”  Tyler said.  “What’s wrong?”

“N…n…nothing.”  Jamie opened his eyes again, silently pleading with Sid.  He turned to whisper in Tyler’s ear. “I’m winning.”

Tyler watched Sid get up and quickly stride across the dance floor.

“Fuck.”  He swore, looking to see that Bennie was still engrossed in conversation.

“Hey, Segs.  Cuttin’ in.”  Sidney said.  “Think I’d like one more dance with my boy before we call it a night.”

“Yeah, Sid.  No problem.”  Tyler slipped out of Jamie’s arms and winked at him as he walked away.

“You okay?”  Sid asked, taking Jamie’s hand in one of his and holding Jamie’s hip with the other, slowly guided him around the dance floor.

“Yep.  Thanks.  We w…w…won a bet.”  Jamie gave him a kiss.

“So, you weren’t in distress?”  Sid tipped his head.  “What did you win?”

“Not important.”  Jamie smiled.  “I’ll t…t…tell you later.”

When they got ready to leave, Sid found Tyler.

“Thank you.”  Sid said, watching as Jamie and Bennie walked towards them.  “He needed that.”

“The dancing?  No problem.  How’s he doing?”

“Struggling again.  Christ, I don’t know Segs.  I’m worried about him.”

“He’s okay, right?  I mean, his head.  Not bad enough to keep him from playing was it?”

“No.  That’s just it.  He could have been back on the ice, helped at hockey school, but he doesn’t want to.  He was doing so well, then this happened.”

“Guess I didn’t realize it was so bad.”

“Yeah.  It might be really bad.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

Back at the hotel later, Jamie comes out of the bathroom and flops down on the bed next to Sid, who’s sitting with his back against the headboard reading. 

“Good day?”  Sid asks, swiping to the next page on his reader.  “It was a nice party.  They seem happy.”

“Yeah.  It was a good day.”  Jamie rolls over so he can lay his head against Sid’s chest.  “I got to dance with a good-looking man. And, with you too.”

“Ha ha.  Cute.”  Sid taps the top of Jamie’s head with his reader.  “See if I save you next time.”

“Uh, huh.  Whatever.”  Jamie smiles to himself.  He gently pokes Sid in the thigh. 

“What?”  Sid tips his book down and glared at Jamie.

“L…l…less reading and more rubbing.”  Jamie looks up at him.

“No.  I’m not rubbing your feet.”  Sid huffs and goes back to reading his book.

Jamie pokes him in the thigh several times.

“Sid.”

“What?”  Sid let the book fall against his chest this time.

“Rub.”

This time when he looked down at Jamie, he caught the look in his eye.  Well…. Fuck.

“Oh.  You sure?”

“Uh huh.”  Jamie walked his fingers up Sid’s thigh and over the material of his shorts to his bare stomach.  He poked him in the stomach a couple of times.  “Rub.”

Sid restrained himself from jumping on Jamie right that second.  They hadn’t had sex since his injury, even though Jamie had been given the okay by the docs for extra-curricular activities before they left for Nova Scotia.  But, part of the fun is teasing Jamie.  So, Sid didn’t move.  Didn’t look up.  Just said, “I don’t think so.” 

“Please.” 

Sid knew it without looking.  Heard it in that one word.  Oh god, the puppy dog eyes.  He tried to avoid looking down.

“Sid.”  Jamie walked his fingers up Sid’s chest.  “Please.”

Don’t look down.  Don’t look down.

Sid looks down. 

Fuck.  Screwed.

“Aren’t you tired?”  Sid reached down and cupped Jamie’s chin.  If he could hold out just a little longer...

“Nope.” 

Jamie moved his head so he could get Sid’s thumb in his mouth.  He sucked gently.

Fuck.  Fuck. Fuck.

“Okay?”  Jamie hummed around Sid’s thumb.

“Move.”  Sid pulled his hand back and patted the other side of the bed.

Jamie nodded eagerly and jumped up.  He quickly stripped out of his clothes and flopped down on his back on the bed.  Sid climbed over and straddled Jamie’s thighs. 

Sid let just the tip of one finger rub over the head of Jamie’s semi-hard erection.

“Okay.  Rubbed.  Done now.”  He smirked and started to climb off.  One last tease.

“Q…q…quit it.”  Jamie glared.

Sid settled back down on Jamie’s legs.  He trailed the tip of his finger up and down the shaft of Jamie’s cock. 

“What should we do?  Hhhhhmmmm…  such a pretty cock.  You want rubbed, eh, baby boy.”

“Y…y…yes.”  Jamie dropped his head down into the pillow and closed his eyes.  His whole body was quivering, as his hands grabbed at the bed spread.  His words and body betraying his nervousness.

“Such a demanding little prince you are.”  Sid laughed, falling easily into their play talk.  “Or is it, Princess Jamie.  I keep forgetting.”

Jamie was silent, his body stilled.  Just from the reaction Sid could tell something had changed.  Just that fast.  Sid rubbed his hands up and down Jamie’s thighs.

“Hey.  You okay?  Sure about this?”

“Uh, yeah.  Yeah.”  Jamie said, coming back to the moment.

Sid ran his hands over Jamie’s thighs some more, then up over his abs and chest.  Just touching Jamie.  Waiting.

“Sid, please.”  Jamie begged.  “Please.”

Sid ran the fingertips of a hand down Jamie’s abs and let them brush over the tip of his cock.  He bent down and took it in his mouth, licking and sucking as his head bobbed up and down slowly.  Once he thought he had it wet enough, he the cock slip out of his mouth and wrapped his fingers around the hard shaft right under the head.  His thumb rubbed against the bottom of the head and over the tip, pushing into the slit slightly.

Sid’s other hand cupped Jamie’s balls and pushed them up, then pulled away so they dropped back down.  He did that again as he started to stroke his hand up and down the shaft of Jamie’s cock, twisting his wrist on the way up for a little extra friction.  Normally, just that would have Jamie’s hips squirming.

Jamie laid there, unmoving.  He made a few noises, low sounds of pleasure escaping his lips.  By the time Sid let him come, he had been wound up, writhing under Sidney’s manipulations.  Sid jerked off on Jamie’s stomach.

“Shower?”  He asked, getting up.

“You go before.”  Jamie answered, covering his eyes with his arm.  “I’m just gonna lay here for a bit.”

“Come on.”  Sid reached down and took his hand, tugging until Jame got up and followed him in to the bathroom.

Jamie stood closest to the shower head, letting the hot water cascade down over him while Sid washed him.  They changed spots after Jamie washed his hair and Sid got cleaned up.  They stepped out and Sid dried them both off, Jamie becoming more lethargic as time went by. 

When they climbed back in bed, Jamie rolled over on his side with his back to Sid.

“Night.”

“I’m gonna read for a bit longer.” Sid laid a hand on Jamie’s side.  “That okay with you?”

“Fine.”

Jamie closed his eyes.  He’d tried to push the memories out while he and Sid fooled around, but it had been hard and he’d ended up thinking more about keeping out what had been, than what was happening.  One word.  One phrase.  That’s all it took.

Now, as he laid in bed, he let the memories break through completely.

_May…_

_“Hey, quit s…s…slacking off.  Less t…t…talk… more r…r…rubbing.”  Jamie stuttered at Sid, wagging his finger at Sid.’_

_“Yes, your lordship.”  Sid half bowed mockingly._

_Sid was sitting at the end of the guest bed, rubbing Jamie’s feet.  Jamie was stretched out next to Cat._

_“You… you’re right.  He’s very g…g…good at this.”_

_“I told you.  Talented hands.”_

_Sid groaned and rolled his eyes at the two of them.  “You’re both so spoiled.”_

_“Of course.”  Cat said.  “Couple of princesses.”_

_Jamie smacked her leg._

_“Sorry, Jay.  Just call it the way I see it.”_

_Sid giggled at Cat’s tease._

Sid heard it.  Soft.  Muffled.  He tipped the book down.  There it was again. 

He closed the book and put it on the nightstand, then scooted down in the bed and pressed himself up to Jamie’s back.  He slipped his arm around Jamie’s waist and found his hand, lacing their fingers together.  He pushed his other arm under Jamie’s head and crooked his elbow so Jamie could use the arm as a pillow. 

“’Kay?”  He plied little kisses to the back of Jamie’s neck.

Sid felt Jamie nod slightly against his arm.  He sniffled a couple of times.

“When does it stop hurting?”  Jamie whispers.

“I don’t know.”  Sid answers.


	34. Hello Darkness My Old Friend...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You don’t want to play?” Sid asks. “Or you don’t think you’ll be ready to play?”
> 
> “I don’t know.”
> 
> “Okay.” Sid answers. Pause. Stall. Think. What’s going on? Where’s Jamie’s head today?
> 
> He’s been sliding down, slowly descending into the depth of his depression again. Little by little, day by day. Sid can see it. He doesn’t know how to stop it. He’s talked to Janet about it. Her answers hadn’t helped him. She described Jamie’s mental illness as more of a chronic disease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it seems my mind is set on a certain story line and both my WIP find themselves on similar paths... but, they are still different enough for me... and will have different outcomes....
> 
> Anyway... thanks as always for reading my works and comments/kudos always appreciated....
> 
> Come find me on Tumblr if you want to chat...

“Jim called today.”  Sid stood rinsing off their dinner dishes and putting them in the dishwasher.

They were back in Pittsburgh.  Sid, just for a bit.  He’d be gone for several days doing endorsement obligations.  Jamie had gotten out of them, again, because of his injury.  Sid wasn’t sure why they kept him, except to be able to say they had both of them for endorsements.

Jamie would be staying in Pittsburgh to work on his rehab.  Kylie would be staying with him.  It would just be the two of them, but Sid wasn’t worried about that anymore.  Jamie would be fine with her.  She’d even go with him out to the training center if he went for his therapy sessions.  What he worried about was that Jamie simply wouldn’t go to those sessions.

“Uh huh.”  Jamie grunted in response to Sid’s comment.

“And Pat called, too.”  Sid placed a plate on the bottom rack.  “Can you guess why they’d both be calling me?”

“Jim offered you a contract extension?”

“Nope.”

“Jim traded you?”  Jamie gasped in mock horror.

“Yes, that’s it, smartass.” 

“Um, then I have no clue.  Why did they call you?”  Jamie said sarcastically.

“Why haven’t you signed your contract?”

Jamie shrugged.

“Thought we were all in agreement on it?” 

“Uh huh.”

“Then… what’s the hold up?”  Sid huffed.  The question was, was he being irritating just to fuck with Sid, or was there more to this.

“I don’t n…n…know.”

A tell.  Stuttering.  Something’s up.  This is more than just wanting to rile Sid.

Sid glanced over at him to see if he could read the mood easily.  Jamie stood, leaning against the island counter, arms folded over his chest.  Sid put the last plate in the dishwasher before he turned around.  He mimicked Jamie’s stance, leaning against the counter by the sink.  His mood and temper since the injury, since he lost Cat, too, had been an up and down, rollercoaster of a ride.  Sometime, Sid could push him out of a low.  But, he had to be careful.

“Talk.”

“Wh…wha… what’s the point?” 

“Of talking?”

“Of signing?”  Jamie stared down at the floor in front of him.

“Excuse me?  What was that?”  Sid snapped.  “What’s the point of signing?”

“I’m not playing this season. Or maybe ever.”  Jamie said, barely loud enough for Sid to hear. 

Another tell that something’s wrong.

“Why not?”

“Cause.  I, uh, I don’t n… n… know if I w… w… will be.”

This is not exactly what Sid expected to hear.  All his instincts said to tread lightly here.

“You don’t want to play?”  Sid asks.  “Or you don’t think you’ll be ready to play?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay.”  Sid answers.  Pause.  Stall.  Think.  What’s going on?  Where’s Jamie’s head today?

He’s been sliding down, slowly descending into the depth of his depression again.  Little by little, day by day.  Sid can see it.  He doesn’t know how to stop it.  He’s talked to Janet about it.  Her answers hadn’t helped him.  She described Jamie’s mental illness as more of a chronic disease. 

“It’s something he’ll always live with.  Sometimes it will be there, just under the surface, but controlled.  Other times it will show-up for days, weeks.  He’ll treat it always, with meds, behavior therapy, coping mechanisms.  What will be hard for you is the occasional acute incidents, his PTSD may do that.  Something will trigger it and it could be as bad as anything he’d gone through, or worse.  He’ll live with this his whole life, I’m afraid.”  Janet had told him a week ago.

“You mean people never recover?  Never get better?”  Sid questioned.

“People can, and do.  But not everyone.  And from his history, I think that for Jamie, being better is learning to live with his illnesses.  It’s much easier if he’s physically healthy, so this injury, it’s making it hard for him to manage.  I see him, slipping back, yes.  I’ve talked to him, but this time there’s a difference in him.  He doesn't want to fight.  He needs to want to fight.  All we can do it try to make him figure that out for himself.”  Janet had said, before giving him some things to try.

Based on her suggestions, Sid decided to see if he could steer Jamie towards the light.

“Ya know what?  Why don’t you try skating when you’re out at the center next week?  Nobody around to bother you.  No pressure.  Just throw your skates on and take a lap.”  Sid suggested.

“I’ll have Kylie with me.”  Jamie’s first excuse.

“Nathalie would probably go along.  Or watch her at the house while you go.”  Sid said, quickly heading off the protest to the first idea.

“Sh…sh…she’s busy.  I d…don’t want to bother her.”  Jamie’s second excuse.

Think Sidney.  Think.

“Maybe I could ask Mom to come down.”  Sid tried.  “She’s been hinting about wanting to come down.”

“I don’t w…w…want to, Sid.  Okay.”  There it is.  The truth.

“You don’t want to skate?”

“No.”  Jamie wouldn’t, or couldn’t, look at him.  “I don’t want to skate.  I d… don’t w…w…want to p…p…play.”

“Why?”

“I d… d… don’t.  O…o….okay.”  Jamie muttered.

To push or not to push? 

Jamie had unfolded his arms and was standing with his hands shoved in the pockets of his shorts, shoulders hunched over, head down, staring at the floor.

Don’t push.

“Okay.”  Sid answered.  He walked over to Jamie and slipped his arms between Jamie’s arms and his sides, hugging Jamie’s waist.  “Okay, baby boy.”

“Okay?”

“Look at me.”

Jamie raised his head slightly, just enough to look at Sid through his lashes.

“Okay.”  Sid said firmly.  He rolled up on his toes so he could brush a kiss to Jamie’s forehead.

When he rolled back down, Jamie let himself lean forward so his head rested on Sid’s shoulder.  Sid held him like that until they heard Kylie fussing.

“I’ll go.”  Jamie offered.

“We’ll go.”  Sid countered, taking Jamie’s hand and walking with him to the bedroom.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

Trina, Troy and Taylor came down the first of August, for birthdays and the wedding anniversary.  Because they were going to have Kylie, Sid and Jamie had decided to stay home as much as possible this summer, even before Jamie’s injury.  That meant no trip to Edmonton and the lake cabin, and no trip to the island.  With Jamie’s depressed mood, Sid thought they should change that plan and go anyway.  He offered to rearrange his schedule so they could go to the cabin for a week.

Jamie declined, so Sid kept his scheduled obligations, leaving the day after his birthday to go shoot promos for Gatorade.  His parents and Taylor left the next day.

Sid spent a lot of time calling and texting people while he was away from Jamie.  He needed help.  Of that, he was sure.  Jamie had always said hockey as a safe place, he could usually, mostly, shut out his demons when he was on the ice.  Now, he wasn’t even trying to get back on the ice.  He was avoiding hockey, just as he was starting to avoid everything else.

Sid had gotten him to stay.  But this.  This felt like he was losing him anyway.

Kris offered to be Jamie’s guardian asshole, again, and head to the Burgh early to have a chat with Jamie.  Flower suggested Jamie and Kylie come to Sorel-Tracy for a visit, thinking a change in scenery would help.  Brian, like Kris, offered to head back to Pittsburgh early.  The common consensus was that he needed a kick in the ass.  From someone other than Sid.  Sid wasn’t sure that would work.  Yet.

He hadn’t thought to tell them not to let Jamie know he was talking to them.  So, Jamie’s text caught him off-guard.

Jamie:  _Tell them to fucking leave me alone.  I’m not playing!_

Sid:  _Who?  What?_

Jamie:  _Everybody.  And why the fuck are you talking about me to them to begin with?  WFT????_

Sid:  _They’re our friends.  They’re worried about you._

Jamie:  _Don’t need to._

Sid:  _I’m worried about you._

Jamie:  _I don’t want to hurt myself.  I just don’t want to skate.  It’s not the end of the fucking world._

Sid:  _Okay.  I’ll tell them to stop._

Jamie:  _Fuck right you will!_

Sid:  _Stop yelling.  Okay.  It’s not that big a deal._

Jamie didn’t answer.  He didn’t text Sid any more either, or answer his calls.  Sid did get a text from Nathalie later during the day, and the next day, too.  All she said was _he says to say he’s fine._   When Jamie and Kylie picked Sid up at the airport two days later, it was as if the fight hadn’t happened.

Mood swings.  That was one of the worst parts of Jamie’s depression this go around.  Sid never knew what to expect some days.  That’s part of why he wasn’t ready to have one of the guys step in at this point.  Sid would bide his time for now.  See how Jamie was as training camp approached.  If he needed to have some sort of intervention, he guessed, it would be better if he was there when the guys talked to Jamie.  There was no telling how Jamie would react.

One way or another in this, he could very well lose Jamie anyway.


	35. Slap Some Sense Into Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m not going anywhere.” Jamie sulked to the couch and flopped himself down. “You wanna talk? We talk here.”
> 
> “Nope. We’ve got an appointment. Get your ass up.” Brian stepped in front of Jamie. He towered over Jamie, his hands on his hips in a defiant stance. “I mean it, Fluff. I will physically haul your ass out of here.”
> 
> Jamie looked up at Brian. He felt like shit. He had no doubt that in his current condition Brian could, and would, kick his ass. But he can bluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW - physical abuse, inappropriate treatment of someone with depression, violence....
> 
> for this chapter....

****

Jamie wandered down to the kitchen.  Sid sat at the table and took in the sight.  Hair disheveled.  T-shirt wrinkled.  Rumbled sweats.  Sid was pretty sure that Jamie’s been wearing the same clothes for three days now. 

Jamie opened the fridge and took out the bottle of orange juice.  He opened the cap.

“If you drink out of that bottle, I’m disowning you.”  Sid said calmly as he took a bite of his eggs.

“Fine.”  Jamie reluctantly went to get a glass and pour himself some juice.  Then he fixed a bowl of cereal.

“Was she still sleeping?”

“Yeah.  She fussed.  Changed her and she went right back to sleep.”  Jamie stood leaning against the counter as he ate his breakfast.

Normally, he’d have been up long before this.  Normally, he’d have been for a run already.  Normally, he’d have showered and most likely fixed a big breakfast.  Normally.

He finished his cereal in a rush, chugged down his OJ, and strode over to Sid.  He leaned down and gave him a quick kiss.  “You going out today?”

Sid scrunched his nose up.  “When’s the last time you brushed your teeth?”

“Dunno.”

“Or took a shower?  Or, um, changed clothes?”  Sid looked him up and down as Jamie stood there with a blank expression on his face.

“When’d you get home?”  Jamie asked. 

“Four days ago.”

“Well, then I guess the answer is four days.”

“Sit.”

“Why?”  Jamie shrugged.  “I’m going back to bed.  In the guest room.  You got her today?”

Sid had taken care of Kylie every day since he got back.

“Some of the boys are back.  Want to go play some shinny?”

“Nope.  Going back to bed.”  Jamie said as he walked out.

Jamie hadn’t been out of the house in four days, at least.  Sid wasn’t sure about the week he’d been gone.  Jamie’s stopped going to any of his therapy sessions, although he still did his speech exercises at home.  Most of his time was spent sleeping or holed up in the guest room during the day.  He’d come out for food every so often, and at night he’d sleep with Sid in their bedroom.  But other than that, he did nothing.  Sid had come home to a pile of dirty laundry, and a nearly equal pile of dirty dishes in the sink.

He’d never been like this.  Never this bad.  Sullen.  Withdrawn.  Just completely shutting down.  He’d noticed the weight loss, too.  Jamie was down probably close to 30 pounds.  It made him look gaunt, older.  Worn.  No, it had never been this bad.

Sid would be home, now, so maybe it was time to push Jamie.  And push him hard if he was going to get him through this.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

August rolled in to September and more of the team arrived back in town after their summer break.  Jamie had at least ventured out of the guest room more, instead often sleeping out by the pool in the sun at least.  He made an effort to help with Kylie, but only when Sid wasn’t around.  He made excuses not to go meet any of the guys for lunch or to skate when they invited him.  He locked himself away the few times any of them came to the house to see the baby.

Jamie’s never been like this, this bad.  He’s fought so hard in the past.  It’s killing Sid to watch Jamie give up completely.  Jamie’s said it in the past.  Janet’s said it.  Sometimes Jamie needs to be pushed to do things, pushed to work his way through the darkness.  In the past, he’s accepted the shoves.  Lately, he’s revolted against any attempts.  Sid’s tried.  He’s been patient.  But it’s time for reinforcements.

Sid had pressed, well literally shoved the issue with Kylie in Jamie’s face, and Jamie broken over.  Nothing he did now was working, though.  Short of coming to blows, Sid was at a loss on what to do.

He called Brian.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The room was dark.  Blinds drawn.  No light.  Brian had knocked and not gotten an answer, so he just opened the door.  He let the light from the hallway show him the path to the bed.  Jamie was under the covers, his back to the door.

“Hey?”  Brian said in a low whisper.  “Fluff?”

Jamie pulled the comforter up over his head.

“Okay.  I know you’re not sleeping now.”  He said louder.  He sat on the edge of the bed.  “Talk to me.  What’s going on?”

Nothing.

“I will physically drag you out of this bed if you don’t at least answer me.”

“Go away.”

“Hey!  It lives.”  Brian tried joking with him.

“Fuck you!”

“You need to get up and get dressed.  You’ve got five minutes to be downstairs, or I mean it.  I will physically drag your ass out of this bed.”  Brian smacked at the lump under the covers.  If this was the way Jamie wanted it, okay then.  “Clear?”

“Fuck you will.”

Brian didn’t say another word, he simply got up and left, going downstairs to wait for Jamie.

It took a little more than five minutes, but since Brian heard signs of life from the bedroom he didn’t rush Jamie.  When he finally saw him come down the stairs, Brian’s eyes widened in shock.

Jamie was thin.  Alarmingly thin.  He had dark circles around his eyes, which were red.  Bloodshot from crying?  His skin was pale and taught, his cheeks sunken.

“That bad?”  Jamie tries to joke when he sees Brian’s expression.

“You look like fucking death warmed over.  Jesus, Fluff.”

“Whatever.  I’m fucking up, so what do you want.”

“Come on.  We’re going for a ride.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”  Jamie sulked to the couch and flopped himself down.  “You wanna talk?  We talk here.”

“Nope.  We’ve got an appointment.  Get your ass up.”  Brian stepped in front of Jamie.  He towered over Jamie, his hands on his hips in a defiant stance. “I mean it, Fluff.  I will physically haul your ass out of here.”

Jamie looked up at Brian.  He felt like shit.  He had no doubt that in his current condition Brian could, and would, kick his ass.  But he can bluff.

“You can fucking try, Dumes.  But you know you can’t take me.”

The sound of skin hitting skin echoed through the quietness of the room.  Jamie hadn’t seen that coming at all.  His hand came up to his cheek, as his mouth gaped open.

“What the fuck?”  He yelled.

“I mean it, Fluff.  We’re done fucking around.  I will kick your ass so get up off this couch and let’s go.”

Jamie held his hand to his face, not sure there would be a red mark where Brian’s hand had landed.  The open-handed slap hadn’t even been full force, but enough to sting like hell.  Slowly, he stood up and followed Brian out to his pick-up.

Brian’s insides were dancing as they rode in silence until they got out of Sewickley.  This whole situation bothered him, especially how bad Jamie looked.  He had hoped Jamie would talk to him willingly, would just agree to go with him.  He hated this feeling, but Sid had asked.  He'd said knock some sense into Jamie, to be exact. Brian didn't think it would come to that, but he'd slapped Jamie. Well, fuck. But then again, Jamie needed the wake-up call before something happened to him.

As they drove, Jamie quickly put things together, figuring out where they were headed.

“No.  We’re not doing this today.”  Jamie fumed.

“Doing what?” 

“You fucking know.  Where’s Sid?”

“Waiting for us.”

“He called you, didn’t he?  Fuck this.  Turn around and take me home.”  Jamie was mad.  No stuttering, his emotions coming out in a rush of words.

“Yep.  He called.  Here’s the deal.”  Brian never took his eyes off the road.  He tried his hardest to keep his voice even and monotone as he talked to Jamie.  “I don’t know what’s going on in your head.  I’ve watched you struggle through things in the past.  I’ve fucking held you while you broke down a few times.  I’m about the only person as close to you as Sid, in a lot of ways.”

Jamie snorted.  “Right.  You fuck a guy a few times so you think you’re bonded for life?  That it?  You get to be my other husband now?  Tell me what the fuck I need to do?  And you fucking hit me.  Asshole.”

Brian ignored him.  This, whatever this was that was going on was talking, not Jamie.  No, this was the depression talking, not his best friend.  He just needed to reach him, to find a way to pull Jamie back.  Shock and awe seemed like the way to approach this.  Much as he hated doing it, the slap to the face had gotten Jamie’s attention, the shock, and now it was time to hit Jamie with some cold hard truth, the awe.

“I’ve seen you at your best, and at your worst.  And this is pretty clearly the fucking worst.  So, what are we going to do to help you get through this?”

“We?”

“We.  All of us.  Sid.  Me.  Tanger.  Flower.  The team.”  Brian continued.  “We.  We’re all pretty fucking worried about you.  We don’t want to lose you, Jame.  I don't want to lose you.  You're my god damn best friend and seeing you like this.  Jesus.  Sid said it was bad, but just, jesus.  I'm scared, Jame.  This.  You have me scared."

“I told Sid.  I’m not going to fucking hurt myself.”

“What do you call this?”  Brian waved his hand at Jamie.  “You’re killing yourself by not doing anything to take care of yourself.  Sid told me he looked up some stuff.  He called it like, passive suicide, or something.  You don’t think of it like hurting yourself, like you did, because you aren’t doing that.  But you are, Jame.  Not eating.  Not doing anything.  Sleeping all the time.  Your body is going to give out.  You’re gonna fucking die at some point.  You get that?”

“Whatever.”

“You want to die?  Is that it?  You say you’re not going to hurt yourself, okay.  But that doesn’t mean you don’t want to.  Am I right?”

Silence.

“I am.  Fuck, Fluff.  Do you need to go back to that place?  Would that help?”

“I’m not going back there.”

“Then what?  Tell me what we need to do.”

“I don’t know.”

"I'm sorry I slapped you."

"No you're not, fucker."  Jamie unconsciously reached up and rubbed his check.  "But it's okay."

They turned onto Cranberry Springs Drive and followed it as it wound its way to the training center.  The security guard opened the gate to the back parking lot and waved at them as they drove in.  Sid’s Rover was parked in its usual spot.  Brian pulled up next to it.  He turned off the engine. 

“Okay.  We’re here.  You can decide right here and now what you want.  Do you want to just let yourself go?  Give up?  Or do you want to do what you’ve always done?  Fight this thing.  It’s up to you.”  He opened his door and got out, leaving Jamie sitting alone in the truck.  He walked over and stood by the doors.

Jamie hesitated a few minutes.  Sitting by himself in the truck.  There weren’t any other cars around.  He hadn’t asked Brian what time it was, but he guessed it was early.  The place wouldn’t be open yet, so now one would be there except for them.  And Sid.  He opened his door and got out.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

Brian came out to the bench area carrying two pairs of skates.  He waved at Sid.

“I really don’t  w…w…want to do this.” 

“I really don't care.”

Brian looked across the rink to where Sid sat in the bleachers, Kylie in his arms.  Sid was counting on him.

“It’s been four months, Fluff.  It’s time to get off your ass and back on the ice.”  Brian shoved a pair of skates at Jamie.

“N…n…no…”  Jamie stuttered, pushing the skates away.  “T…t…t…take m…mmmeeee…. home…”

“Not happening.  We’re skating.  The docs said you could get back on the weeks ago. Fuck, Zuccs was back on the ice in a month and started the next season.  You saying he’s better than you?  Camp starts in a week.”

“Fuck you.  I said no, not today, Dumes.”  Jamie said, more forcefully this time.  Words actually coming easier when he was mad, probably because he didn’t have time to think about what he was trying to say.

Brian didn’t say anything, just squatting down and grabbing one of Jamie’s feet, pulling his shoe off in a quick movement.

“Put the damn skates on,” he said as he set them down in Jamie’s lap.

Jamie glared up at him.

“Don’t make me go after the other shoe, Jame.”

Ten minutes later, Jamie stood at the doorway to the ice, looking apprehensively at the smooth surface.  Brian stood on the ice, his hand extended.  “Come on, I got ya.”

Jamie took the hand and stepped out onto the ice, standing still for a few minutes.

“Okay?”  Brian asked.

“Ooo…kay…”

Brian slid his other arm around Jamie’s waist and pushed off with his right leg, propelling them towards center ice.  Jamie let Brian move him around the ice, focusing on just staying upright. Slowly but surely, muscle memory took over, even after the extended absence from the ice, even after the injury, his legs, his body, still knew what to do.  He tentatively pushed off with his right leg.  Brian let Jamie skate out of his supporting arm, watching him take a few shaky strides, as Jamie pulled his hand away as well.

Jamie skated about 30 feet before his skate caught and he fell on his ass.  Brian skated up, worried that Jamie may have hurt himself.

“Www…www…wwweelll, that wasn’t so good.”  Jamie pushed Brian away and got up by himself.

Brian just stood still, waiting.  He expected Jamie to skate towards the bench, but instead Jamie turned and started to skate towards the far goal line.

“You c..c..coming Dume-ass?”

Brian skated over and fell in beside Jamie.  He watched his closely, ready to catch him if he stumbled.  And sure enough, he stumbled.  Several times.  His body weakened from lack of activity and his balance still not completely back from the injury, Jamie ended up on his ass a lot.

They skated for half an hour, Brian not wanting to let Jamie overdo it on the first day.  When they stepped off the ice, Jamie sat on the bench out of breath.

“Okay, Fluff?”

Jamie nodded.

“So.  We have the rink every day at this time until camp starts next week.  We can be in and out before anybody shows up.”  Brian told him.  “That okay?”

Jamie nodded slowly.

“I can’t promise.”  He said softly.  Then he lifted his head, eyes focusing on Sid who was making his way down the stairs to come around the rink to them.  “But.  I’ll try.”

“That’s a start, Fluff.  And that’s all I’m asking.  Try.”

“Dume-ass.”

“Uh huh.”

“I hate you.  You know that.”

Brian bent and kissed the top of Jamie’s head.  “Yeah, Fluff.  I know.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

Sid had also called Kris, who was waiting for them when they got home the second day.  Jamie didn’t look quite as bad, the physical exercise putting a little color back in his cheeks.  The thing they all noticed was the dullness of his eyes still.  There wasn’t any spark there.

Kris had brought a supply of protein shakes and other foods.

“Here is your menu for the next week.”  He said as Jamie sat down at the kitchen table between him and Sid.  “You eat what it says.  When it says.”

“Nice to see you, too, Tanger.”  Jamie quipped.  This wasn’t going to be fun.  Lectures from Tanger never were.

“Yeah.  Yeah.  Yeah.  No time for nice.  We’ve got a week before camp starts and we need to get your ass in some sort of condition.  The shakes are marked in the fridge.  Frozen meals in the big freezer downstairs.  Sid has a copy of this.”

“Did you see your god-daughter?”

“What?  Yes.  She’s beautiful.  Too bad she looks like you, eh.”

“You think she looks like me?”  Maybe if he can change the subject.

Brian sets a glass of juice down in front of Jamie.  “He’s been trying to talk his way out of this all morning.  Don’t let up.”

“Fuck.”  Jamie swears under his breath. 

“Okay.  Where was I.”  Kris continues, going over each meal with Jamie.  “And in addition to skating with Brian, I am coming to workout with you every afternoon.”

“Of course you are.”  Jamie groaned. 

After Kris and Brian left, Jamie went upstairs and took a shower.  He came down a little bit later to find Sid and Kylie on the couch.  Sid was reading, and Kylie was playing with a rattle on the blanket he’d spread out on the center cushions.  She was cooing and giggling as she stuck the big plastic keys in her mouth.  Jamie stood at the bottom of the stairs, watching them.

He was tired.  His mind was still filled with darkness.  He didn’t know if he could do this.  For them, though, he’d said he would try.

She was three months old today.  In that short time, she’d grown so much.  He didn’t realize just how much until he was watching her now.  Active and full of energy.  She dropped her keys and Sid patiently picked them up, probably for the umpteenth time already. 

Sid glanced up before turning back to his book.  “Hey.  You look better.”

“I really looked that bad?”  Jamie half-smiles walking over to the couch.

“Yeah.  Really.”  Sid smiles.   He looks at his watch.  “Time to eat.”

“Okay.  She need a bottle?”

“She’d probably take one.  Then maybe we’ll all grab a nap?”

“Sounds good.”  Jamie scooped his daughter up into his arms and snuggled against her.  “What say, Sunshine.  Wanna eat?”

Kylie giggled and shoved at him with her little hands. 

Yeah.  Brian was right.  He needed to get his ass up and fight. 

For her.  For them.


	36. Contract

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim stood up and shook Jamie’s hand over the desk. “We have a contract. I’ll have it drawn up today.”
> 
> “Thank you, Mr. Rutherford. I can’t tell you how lucky I feel to have ended up here. The Pens have been very good to me.”
> 
> “You’ve been very good for the Pens, son. I’m glad you’ll be back with us.”
> 
> After Jamie left, Jim sat down and made a phone call.
> 
> “Mario, you aren’t going to believe the conversation I just had with Jamie Crosby.”

Four days.

It lasted four days before they hit the first roadblock.

Brian sat in his truck in the driveway waiting.  It was early, the sun just starting to peek over the horizon.  The things you do for the people you love, he thought.  He could have been getting a few extra hours of sleep.  Thank god Kayla understands and has been getting up with Olivia in the middle of the night for him.

He looks at the clock.  Jamie should have been out 10 minutes ago.  Brian debates giving him a few more minutes, but decides to not wait any longer.  He shuts off his truck and walks to the house, using his key to let himself in.  The house is dark, no signs of life anywhere.  To be expected, Sid isn’t normally up when he and Jamie leave in the mornings.  Then he hears a noise from the living room.

“Jamie?”

Sid is rocking Kylie, who’s taking a bottle.  “He’s not up?”

“Um, evidently not.”  Brian strolls over to the couch and sits down.  “Is something wrong?”

“I don’t know.  He’s seemed better.  Last night he was a little quiet, but he slept in our room.  He was gone, so I thought you guys had already left.”  Sid says dryly, emotionless.

“We’ve been pushing him pretty hard.”

“He needs it.”

“I don’t feel like it’s right, though.  I mean, should we be forcing this on him?”

“He needs it.”  Sid repeated, clearly pausing after each word for emphasis. 

Brian sighs heavily.  “I guess so.  I’ll go find him.”

Brian gets up and heads upstairs.  The door to the guestroom is closed, but not locked.  He doesn’t even knock, just opens the door and walks in.

“Time to get up, cupcake.  Let’s go.”  He strides over and pulls the covers down unceremoniously.

“Fuck off.”  Jamie snaps, rolling over on his stomach and burying his face in a pillow.  “I’m not going.”

“That’s not the right answer, Fluff.  Get your ass moving.”  Brian swats him on the ass.

“Please.”  Jamie says softly.  “Just leave me alone, okay.”

“Not happening.  Come on.  Get up.”

“Dumes, please.” 

Brian hears the quiet snuffle. 

“Jame?  Hey, talk to me.  What’s going on today.”

“Can’t do this.” 

Brian stretches out next to Jamie, tugging at his shoulder until Jamie rolls over on his side and spoons up against Brian.  Brian slips his arms around Jamie and pulls him in tight. 

“Talk to me.”

“I’m done.” Jamie sniffles.

“With what?”

“Everything.”  Jamie whispers, making Brian strain to hear him even in the quiet of the room.

“Fluff.”

“I j…j…just can’t.  I try…try…tried Dumes.”  Jamie got out between sobs.  “P…p…please.”

“Do you just need to take a day off?  Start fresh tomorrow?”

Jamie shook his head slightly.

“I’m not letting you give up.  You know that.  So, what do you need me to do?”

“I don’t know.”

“What’s different this time?  Can you tell me?  Why can’t you fight this?”

“Dunno.  I j…j…just feel done.  T…t…tired.”

Brian felt Jamie’s body shake with each breath, forced in between sniffles. 

“Okay.  We’ll take this morning off.  No problem, Fluff.”  Brian told him.  “But we talk, when we get up and you’ve calmed down some.  Okay?”

“Yeah.”

When Sid checked on them a half hour later, he found them both asleep curled up together.  He shook his head, annoyed, and started to wake them.  Then he stopped.  He reached down and pulled the sheets and comforter up over them. 

Sid had felt like he was watching Jamie drown, standing on the shore unable to help him.  He’d tried to reach for Jamie, but he’d fought Sid.  So, Sid threw Jamie a life preserver in Brian hoping he’d grab hold.  He had to trust Brian with this, trust that he knew what would help Jamie the most.

Brian stirred when Sid tucked the covers around them.

“Hey, sorry.  I should have…”

“No.  Don’t worry.”  Sid stopped him.  “I need to let you do this.  Whatever.  However.  Just take care of him, okay?”

“Yeah.  I know.”  Brian said.  “I will.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So.  Talk.”

“I can’t shake this.”  Jamie tips the menu down, so he can see Brian over the top.

“Have you called Dr. Stone?  Do your meds need adjusted?”

“Maybe.  No.  I haven’t called him.  I talked to Janet.”  Jamie brought the menu back up, hiding behind it again.

Brian reached over and tipped it back down.  “Quit hiding behind that thing.  Like you don’t already know what you’re getting.”

“Fine.”  Jamie puts the menu down.  “I guess I should call him.”

“That would be a good thing.”  Brian set his menu down as well.  “Camp starts in two days.  Ready?’

“Hell no.  I don’t think so.”

“Then you need to go meet with the bosses, too.  I’ll call Sully and set it up for tomorrow.  You can meet with them while we do our health screening.  And, will you sign your fucking contract already.”

“I feel guilty about it.”

“It’s not too much money, Fluff.  Jesus.  It’s not nearly enough.  Look what McDavid and Eichel got.  Come on.”

“For a player who may not be able to play?”

“You’re gonna play.  Stop that.”

“For a player who’s injury prone?”

“Stop.  Okay.  You’re not Beau.  God.”

“Right.”  Jamie shrugs.  “Whatever you say.”

The waitress came over then to get their order.  Jamie, as usual, ordered the zucchini strips and a Pittsburgher, extra egg today.  Brian got a bowl of soup and a Pittsburgher, without the egg. 

“Okay.”  Brian said as she walked away.  “So, what’s going on this time.  What’s different?”

“I don’t know.  I feel different.”  Jamie said.  “L…l…like I’m l..l…lost.  I guess.”

“Lost?”

“Alone.”

“You’re not, you know that.”

“Knowing and believing are two,” Jamie hesitated, and Brian waited while he found the word.  “Two, um, not the same.  Um, what do I want?”

“Different?”  Brian offered.  Even though Jamie had just used that word, it escaped him the second time.

“Different things.”  Jamie repeated the word and looked away.   “Right.  I just said that, didn’t I.  Fuck.”

Jamie didn’t feel comfortable asking for help with words, Brian knew.  This was hard for him to talk about, too, which didn’t help.  Brian just needed to be patient and guide him through it.

“It’s okay.  You’re doing a lot better with the words.”

“If I make myself slow down.”  Jamie said carefully.  “Or, I’m pissed.”

“It’ll come.  Is that the problem?  Don’t think people get that?”

Jamie shook his head, staring out the window.  “No.  I don’t care.  It’s…”

“What?”

“The thoughts, Dumes.  I can’t… can’t make them…” Jamie reached up and wiped at his eyes.  “I can’t stop.”

“What thoughts?”

“It’s my fault.”  Jamie closed his eyes and took a deep breath, fighting his emotions down.  That was the purpose of doing this in public, so that Jamie had to stay in control.  No breaking down or throwing a tantrum in public.  Jamie’s suggestion, not Brian’s.

The waitress brought Jamie’s appetizer and Brian’s soup.  They paused their conversation until she left again.

“Cat?”  Brian said once she was gone.

“Everything.”  Jamie said under his breath.  “Everything.  And before you say it.  I know.  It wasn’t.  Okay.  But, I can’t get that in my brain.  It’s me.  It should have been me.”

“How should it?”  Brian looked at him and tipped his head.  “That doesn’t make sense.  What do you mean?  What are you trying to say?”

“It should have been me.”  Jamie repeated.  “I thought I had this in back of me. Wait.  No.  What do I want.  Back.  Behind me.  Yeah.  Past.  Right?  I put this behind me.  But Cat dying.  It all came back.  I don’t get it.  Janet says it happens.  But, this time.  I don’t know.  I can’t get it out of my brain.  Does that make sense?”

“So.  Okay.  We need to find out what we need to do about that.  If what worked last time isn’t working, is there something else we can do?”

“I don’t want to go back to Parkerson.”

“You don’t have to.  But what else has worked in the past?”

“Running.”

“Well.  We can do that.”  Brian smiled.  “We’ll start tomorrow?”

“I don’t know.  Maybe.” 

“You’ve been skating.  Any problems?  Physically?  Anything Doc V or the trainers should know about?  Headaches?  Anything?”  Brian asked.  Jamie shook his head no to each question.  “Okay.  Then we should start running again.  Here, not just on the road.”

“Okay.  We can try that.”  Jamie said as their food arrived.  He thanked her as she sat his plates down, waiting for her to leave before he continued.  “One thing.”

“What’s that?”

“You can’t hit me again.”  Jamie said with a serious tone.  “No matter what Sid says.”

“Deal.”  Brian said, taking a bite of his sandwich.

“Unless you want to spank my ass.”  Jamie winked at Brian over his sandwich.

Brian nearly choked.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

Jamie knocks on the door, even though Jim’s assistant had said to just go in.  “Mr. Rutherford.”

“Come in, Jamie.  I was hoping to catch up to you today.  How did things go this morning?”  The GM stood and walked around his desk to shake Jamie’s hand, laying a hand on his shoulder and guiding Jamie to a chair.

“Fine.  My weight’s down, but I’m working on that.” Jamie half-smiled, speaking slow and deliberate so he didn’t stutter.  “My stats in the media guide are going to be wacky, but hey, what can you do.”

“So, what can I do for you?  Here to sign on the dotted line, are you?” 

“Well, yes.  And, um, no.”  Jamie sat down as Jim walked around and sat down in his chair.  “I want to talk about my contact.”

“Contact?”

“No.  Um.  Sounds like that, um.  Contract.  Sorry.”  Jamie said, flustered a little at his mistake.  “I need to talk to you about my, um, contract.”

“Is there a problem?  Pat said you were okay with our offer.”  Jim sounded puzzled.

“Um.  Yeah.  It’s a very, um, gen…generous offer.  But, I was going to make a, um, count, um, counter offer.”

Jim didn’t do well hiding his surprise, and concern.  He sat back in his chair.  “Okay.  But I need to tell you.  We can’t offer more money.  I could maybe go more time.”

“I know that, that kind of salary, on top of Sid, G, Tanger, everyone.  Well.  It puts you in a bind.  Right?  Pushing at the cap again.”

“It does.  But that’s part of the cost of doing business.  Paying fair salary for quality players.”

“Okay.  So.  You know me.  Have known me for a few years now.  I’m not normal.”

Jim laughed.  “No.  No, you’re not.  But you’re a hell of a player when you’re on your game.”

“Even if, um, even if I wasn’t with Sid, I’m not about the, um, about the money.  Ya know?  So, I want to make you an offer.  Six years.  Six million.”

“Jamie.  That’s.  That’s not even right of you.  A million a year?”

“Truth.  My ELC would be more than enough.  Yeah, I mean Sid says I like to spend money.”  Jamie chuckled.  “But I could still live comfortably on that even if Sid and I weren’t together.”

“Is there a problem?  Something I need to know?  Are you and Sid having troubles?”  Jim’s instantly concerned.  Can’t have discord between his star players.

“No.  No.  Noth… nothing like that.  I just.  I don’t need to have a huge salary.  And if I don’t, if I don’t tie up a big part of the cap, then we have money to keep or even pick up other good players, right?”

“Yes.  We would have space.  But, Jamie.”  Jim was dumb-founded.  “You’re right, you aren’t a normal player.  Does Pat know about this?”

“No.  But it’ll be fine.”  Jamie admitted.  “We’ll call this a hometown discount deal.  Pittsburgh has become my home.  Sid, Kylie are my only family.  So I want to be able to play here for a long time.  I want to play with other great players.  I want to win a lot more Cups.”

“This is usually something veteran players do, to finish out their career some place.  I just want you to be sure you know what you’re doing.  Seven million a year is a lot to give up.  You should think of your future.”

“I have.  What would I do with that much money?” Jamie smiled.  “I’d end up giving it away.”

“Yes.  You could start a foundation.  Sid does a lot now, but the two of you could do so much more.”

“We could.  Or, you can keep quality players.  I like doing good things, but I also like winning.”  Jamie laughed.  “Besides, I’d have incentives and endorsement money.  I’m telling you.  I’ve thought about this a lot this summer.”

“Okay.  But, still.  How about two million a year?  I’d feel better about that, even.  I want to pay you enough to keep you here.”

“Weren’t you listening?  I’m not going anywhere, knock on wood.”  Jamie tapped the desk three times.  “I know that I have some control over trades, but I don’t want my salary to be the reason somebody gets traded.  To, you know, make cap space for Sid’s boy.”

“You aren’t that.  You know that, Jamie.  You’re a valuable member of this team.”

“Yeah.  I know.  Anyway.  So, we have an agreement?”

“Six years.  Twelve million.  With all the same bonus incentives and details.”

“Okay.  Twelve.”  Jamie nodded.

Jim stood up and shook Jamie’s hand over the desk.  “We have a contract.  I’ll have it drawn up today.”

“Thank you, Mr. Rutherford.  I can’t tell you how lucky I feel to have ended up here.  The Pens have been very good to me.”

“You’ve been very good for the Pens, son.  I’m glad you’ll be back with us.”

After Jamie left, Jim sat down and made a phone call.

“Mario, you aren’t going to believe the conversation I just had with Jamie Crosby.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

“You what?”

“Told Jim I’d take six years, twelve mil.”

“Yeah.  I heard.  Mario called.  Then Pat called.  What the fuck, Jame?”

“I don’t need eight m…mill…million a year, Sid.  I mean, christ, l…l…look what you make a year.  My old con…contract was m…more than enough.  We invest most of it anyway because no mat…matter what I say or you say, you won’t use my money.”

“What if you got really hurt?  What if you couldn’t play?”  Sid challenged.

“We have… we have… what’s it called.  Ensure?”

“Insurance?”

“Insurance.  Yeah.  To cover medical stuff.”  Jamie said.  “I’m not worth…”

“Don’t go there.  Yeah, you are.  You’re worth every cent of what they offered and then some.”

“Whatever.  I m…m…may be worth it, but I don’t need it.  Okay.”

“You don’t need it?”  Sid scoffed.  “You do know how much money you spend, right?”

“I offer to use my money.  You won’t let me.  Besides, Sid, if I only had my money, I’d still have a nice house, and a nice car, and enough money to live pretty comfortably.  I mean, it’s not just been salary.  I have my playoff money, and my incentives, and the endorsements that I get paid to do abso-fucking nothing.  I wouldn’t spend as much.”

“Right.  You like having nice things.”

“You like buying me nice things.  So, we’re even there.”  Jamie looked over his shoulder at Sid, who just rolled his eyes.  “Again.  I’ve offered, hell, I’ve argued til I’m hoarse to get you to let me use my money more.  Besides, if you talked to Mario, you know why I asked for less.”

“That’s just it.  Players don’t ask for less, Jamie.  I think you may be the first.  Mario said Jim was in shock.”

“I’m not like other players, evidently.”  Jamie sighed.  “I don’t know.  I grew up wanting to play in the NHL, but like, I never thought about the money.  That doesn’t make sense, does it?  It’s not about the money, Sid.  It’s about staying here in Pittsburgh.  It’s about them being able to keep Dumes, or Shears, or Guentz.  Or even you and Tanger at some point.”

“You worry about that?  You should worry about you.”

“I’m fine, Sid.  I told you.  I really could’ve lived pretty well on my ELC if I’d never hooked-up with you.”

“I’m not going to change your mind on this, am I?”  Sid got up from the kitchen table and walked over to the sink where Jamie was standing, doing dishes.  “You are something, baby boy.”

He slipped his arms around Jamie’s mid-section, pulling him close and planting a kiss between Jamie’s shoulder blades. 

“You’re not mad?”  Jamie asked.  “You make this okay with Pat?”

“Yeah.  He’s okay.  Upset.  But, he’ll get over it.  I make him enough to keep him happy.”

“Thank you.”  Jamie turned in Sid’s arms to face him.  “It’s not me, ya know.”

“I know.  You are one of a kind, baby boy.”  Sid rolled up on his toes to kiss Jamie.  “And you never cease to amaze me.”


	37. 5 AM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 5 AM – Day 1
> 
> When Brian pulls in to the driveway, Jamie is waiting, casually stretching. Brian gets out, stretches a bit himself and they head out. They run a mile, then two, in silence. He wonders if he should be talking. He wonders what he should say. He glances at Jamie often, watching for signs that he’s not doing okay running.

5 AM – Day 1

When Brian pulls in to the driveway, Jamie is waiting, casually stretching.  Brian gets out, stretches a bit himself and they head out.  They run a mile, then two, in silence.  He wonders if he should be talking.  He wonders what he should say.  He glances at Jamie often, watching for signs that he’s not doing okay running.

“How far you wanna go?” 

“Dunno.”  Jamie barely says, sounding a little winded.

“Should we turn back?”

“Maybe.”  Jamie slows to a walk.  “I feel off.”

“Mentally?  Or, physically?”  Brian asks.  There’s a difference in how he’ll deal with this.

“Both.  I don’t know.  How far have we gone?”

“Tracker says just over four miles.  Let’s start back, okay.”

“Can we just walk for a bit?”  Jamie asks.

“Sure, Fluff.”  It’s not a day to push.

Training camp starts later that day, and again, Jamie’s not on the ice with his teammates on the first day.  He skates by himself before the others, working on his balance and doing some edge work.  Easy skating, nothing hard.  When he gets off the ice, he feels pretty good.  Better than he had that morning running with Brian.  He’ll do some off-ice conditioning while Sid skates, then they’re picking Kylie up from Nathalie and going shopping.  Overall, it’s not a bad day.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

5 AM – Day 2

Jamie’s waiting again.  A good sign.

They’re about three miles in this time when Jamie slows to a walk again. 

“Something wrong?”

“No.” 

“Then why are we stopping?”

“Do you ever wonder why you do something?  Like, what’s the point?”

“Not following ya, Fluff.”

“What’s the point?”

“Of running?  Of what?”

“Life.”

“Jesus, that’s a deep thought.”  Brian offered. 

“I mean, what does it matter?  What we do?  What we have?  That we’re even here?”

“Do we need to do it’s a wonderful life staring Jamie Crosby?”  Brian kidded, Jamie’s mood was much too dark for his liking this morning.

“I don’t know that I buy in to all that.  I mean.  Sid would still be a hockey player, and still be great.  You’d be a hockey player.  I mean.  The only things that bad happen would be changed if I hadn’t been there.  Right?”

“Like your parents?  Or your friend?  I don’t believe that, Jame.  I think it all still happens.”

“Really?”  Jamie stops. 

“Yeah.” 

“Then like I said, the good stuff happens even if I’m not here, too.”

“Nope.  That’s where you’re wrong.  See, cause good things can be related directly back to you.”

Jamie tipped his head, puzzled.

“Kylie.  Sid might be a hockey star and all, but without you he doesn’t have Kylie.  And we have two Stanley Cups.  I don’t think that happens without you on the team.  And, well, what else.  That kid, from Edmonton.  He’s playing hockey and getting a college education, because he met you.  And what else?  There’s a bunch of stuff.  All because you were here.  But the bad things, they’d happen anyway.  Your birth mom would still get cancer.  Your parents would still be killed by a drunk driver.  All of that happens whether you are there or not.  Does that make sense?”

“No.”  Jamie shakes his head.  “I can’t.  No.  They would all be fine.  See, that’s what my brain tells me.”

“Then your brain is wrong.”  Brian states bluntly.  “It’s just wrong.”

“Whatever.”  Jamie mumbled and took off, Brian sprinting to keep up. 

They ran in silence back to the house.

Day two of camp was uneventful.  Jamie skated early again.  Sid practiced later, so they drove separately.  Jamie let Sid pick up Kylie.  When Sid got home, Jamie was asleep in the guest room.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5 AM – Day 6

Brian had to drag him out of bed.  They ran six miles.  Jamie didn’t talk at all.

Jamie skated.  Worked out.  Drove home.  Sid didn’t see him the rest of the day.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5 AM - Day 7

“Two fucking days in a row?”  Brian swore as he let himself in the house.  “I’m gonna kick his ass this morning.”

Sid wasn’t up as far as Brian could tell.  He made his way to the guest room.  He stopped outside the door when he heard noises inside.  He slowly turned the handle and cracked the door open.

“Sunshine almost always makes me high.”

Jamie was singing.

“If I had a day that I could give you, I'd give to you the day just like today.”

Brian pushed the door open more.  In the shadows on the far side of the room, Jamie sat in a rocking chair, Kylie in his arms.

“If I had a song that I could sing for you, I'd sing a song to make you feel this way.  Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy.”  Jamie sang.  He looked up when he heard the door.

“Ssssshhhh…. Just got her back to sleep.”  Jamie whispered.  “Didn’t want to wake Sid, so we came down here.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah.  Let me go put her down.  I’ll meet you outside.”  Jamie carefully stood up.

“Okay.”  Brian whispered.  He waited for Jamie to walk over to him, then peeked down at his god-daughter.  “Hey beautiful.”

Jamie hardly stops talking as they run.  It’s a continuation of the previous conversation, the meaning of life.  Brian just listens for the most part, letting Jamie work things out on his own.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

5 AM – Day 10

Jamie ran by himself.  Brian was traveling to Detroit that afternoon for a pre-season game against the Wings and opted out of their run.  It was a struggle, but Jamie got himself up and moving.

It was a beautiful fall day in Pittsburgh, the sun just coming up as he ran.  The leaves starting to turn bright colors.  He focused on his breathing.  In.  Out.  In.  Out.  If he thought about that, it would keep the other thoughts away.  Right?

In.  Out.

Cat.

In. Out.

_“You know, Jay.  He’d have done this a long time ago if not for you.”  She jogged easily beside him.  “He wasn’t happy.  Hadn’t been, for years.”_

In. Out.

_“He wouldn’t have.”  Jamie shook his head.  “No.  He did this because of me.”_

In. Out.

_“She did this because of you.  She wanted to give you a family.”  Luc had told him that day._

In.  Out.

_“The good things happened because you were here.  All that bad stuff would have happened anyway.”_

In.  Out.

_“No.  No.  You’re the reason.”_

He wiped his hand over his eyes.  Fuck.  He turned down a trail he often used to cut through a patch of woods, his vision blurring with each stride and each tear.  The next thing he knew, he was on his back on the ground.  Knees scuffed.  Palms burning.

He laid there, breathing heavy.

“Hey, you okay?  That was a nasty spill.”

He nodded, opening his eyes slowly.  He made out the outline of a tall woman, blonde hair hanging past her shoulders.  Jamie dropped his eyes down, not meeting her stare.

“Here.  Let me help you up.”  She reached out her hand.  Jamie took it and let her pull him up.

“I, uh.  I just tripped I guess.”  Jamie looked away from her.  He rubbed his hands on his shorts.

“Yeah.  You sure you’re okay?”  She asked, reaching for his hand.  “Need some medical attention, Jamie?  I’ve seen you running before.  You’re Jamie Crosby, aren’t you.” 

He raised his head, actually looking at her this time.  He thought for a minute he was seeing a ghost, or maybe he’d hit his head again.  “Yeah.” 

“We all need a helping hand sometimes.”  She smiled at him.

“I, uh, yeah.  Thanks.”  Jamie stammered.  “I, uh, I need to get going.”

He bolted down the path, glancing back a couple of times to make sure she wasn’t following him.  After some ways, he slowed again, taking stock of his scraps.  He wondered what kind of message the universe was sending him.  She’d been the spitting image of Cat.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5 AM – Day 20

For the past ten days, Jamie had scanned every person or group of people he saw as they ran.  He kept searching for the mysterious blonde who had given him a hand up when he fell.  So far, he hadn’t seen anyone who even remotely looked like her.

He also hadn’t told anyone about her.

“Do you believe in omens?”  Jamie asked this morning, however.  “Or, um, maybe, ghosts?”

“Huh?  Those are two really different things, Jame.”  Brian replied.  “Why?”

“This really weird thing happened.  One of the days you didn’t run with me.”  Jamie starts and goes on to tell Brian about falling and about the mystery woman.

“A lot of people recognize you, Jame.  I mean, it’s not like you aren’t famous.”

“I know.  But, why haven’t I seen her since then?  And why can’t I remember seeing her before?”

“I have no idea.”  Brian shrugged.  “Maybe she was a ghost.  She really looked that much like Cat?”

“Yes.”  Jamie said.  “She did.”

“And you think it was some sort of sign, from some higher power?”

“I don’t know.”  Jamie felt a little foolish for thinking that.  “Whatever.  Just forget about it.”

The Pens opened the 2019 – 20 season at PPG Arena that night.  Jamie still hadn’t been cleared for contact, wasn’t skating with the team, and wouldn’t be in the starting line-up for the night.  He did join his teammates for introductions, however, standing in the bench area.

After that, he made his way up to the owners’ box instead of the press box.  Kylie was waiting for him there, being watched over by Nathalie.  She was sleeping in her carrier, the noise canceling headphones dwarfing her little head.  She off course, was sporting a number 87 Crosby sweater for her Papa.

Jamie sat in one of the seats and put Kylie’s carrier in the seat next to him.  Throughout the game, just about everyone in the box came down to coo over her or hold her.  Jamie took it all in stride, even when they showed their picture on the jumbo-tron and the crowd went nuts.  The Pens won, which put both Sid and Jamie in a good mood. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

5 AM - Day 21

Jamie told Brian he didn’t have to get up and run with him anymore.  Brian was waiting for him a little after five o’clock anyway. 

“So, what do you think’s the meaning behind this strange sighting?”  Brian asked as they ran.                  

“I don’t know.  She said sometimes we all need a helping hand.  Maybe, just that I need to let you help me?”

“You think?”  Brian scoffed. 

“Look, I told you you didn’t need to come today.”

“You knew I’d come, though.”  Brian said.

Jamie rolled his eyes and huffed at him.

“Truth, Jame.  Would you have run today if you really and truly thought I wouldn’t be waiting for you to come out\?”

There was a long silence.

“Dume-ass.”  Jamie finally said.

“See.”  Brian smirked.  “You need to be pushed, even when you don’t think you do.”

“You leave on a road trip in a few days.  So, I’ll be on my own then.”  Jamie said.  “Can’t kick my ass if you’re not here.”

“Aren’t you coming with us?  You gotta be close to getting back.”

“Nope.  Staying here.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5 AM – Day 26

Jamie’s phone chimes.  He ignores it.  It chimes again.  And again.  And again.

Sid just left the day before for a three-game trip.  Something’s got to be wrong.  Somebody’s hurt.  Somebody’s dead.  The Pens plane crashed.  The hotel is on fire.  He looks for the red lights of the digital clock.  5:07. 

Fuck.

He fumbles around and finds his phone on the nightstand.

Brian:  _Get your ass up!_

Brian:  _Get your ass up!_

Brian:  _Get your ass up!_

Brian:  _Get your ass up!_

Brian:  _Get your ass up!_

Brian:  _Get your ass up!_

Brian:  _Get your ass up!_

Jamie: _I’m fucking up!  Stop!_

Brian:  _Time to run!!!_

Jamie:  _I can’t.  Nobody to watch Kylie._

Brian:  _Go answer your door_

Jamie can hear the knocking now, well, more like pounding at the front door.  He gets up, does a quick check on Kylie and skips down the stairs.  He opens the door to see Kayla standing in front of him holding Olivia.

“You better appreciate just how much he loves you.”  She huffs and walks past him.  “Go get your shit on and go for a run.”

Jamie:  _Are you fucking serious?_

Brian:  _She’s gonna be there at 5 every day I’m gone.  Yes.  I’m fucking serious about this._

Jamie changes, makes sure Kayla knows where Kylie’s stuff is, and goes for his morning run.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5 AM – Day 32

“What?”  Jamie asked.

“So, were you going to tell me that Doc cleared you for contact?”  Brian was leaning against the driver’s door of his truck, arms crossed over his chest.  Seriously pissed look on his face.

“So.  They cleared me.  I’m not ready.”     

“Bullshit.”

“I’m not ready, Dumes.”  Jamie quipped.

“It’s been a month.  A month, Jame.  You’re ready.”

“I’m not.  Drop it.”  Jamie walked past Brian and down the driveway.  “We running or not?”

“You go.  I’m done.”  Brian opened the door to his truck and got in.  He started the truck and backed down the driveway, pulling into the street and driving away.  Jamie stood watching, unbelieving.

Jamie thought about not going for his run, but he turned and headed off in the opposite direction from where Brian headed. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

11 AM – Day 33

Jamie stepped on the ice with his teammates for the first time since his injury the previous May.  He’s wearing a regular practice sweater. 

Brian’s the first one to check him into the boards.


	38. The Babysitters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie’s rocking Kylie, singing softly to her, when the doorbell rings. 
> 
> “That’ll be our guests.” Sid tosses the magazine he was thumbing through down on the coffee table. “I’ll get it.”
> 
> “Oh joy.” Jamie whispers to Kylie. “Now you remember what Papa said, we need to play nice with others.”
> 
> Kylie giggles as he leans down and blows kisses on her belly.
> 
> “Jame. Say hello to our new babysitters.” Sid says as he walks back into the living room.

“Did you see how many times that asshole boarded me?”  Jamie complained to Sid as they drove home from practice. 

Sid giggled.  “All done out of love, baby boy.”

“Does he have to love me so much?”  Jamie rubbed his chest.  “I’d like to actually play a game before I end up on IR again.”

“Come on, he didn’t hit you that hard.”

“Hard ‘nough.  Fucker.”

“Poor baby.  You’ll live.”  Sid said.  “Anyway.  Back to our discussion from this morning.”

“A nanny?”

“Nathalie likes to travel with us.  We really shouldn’t always expect her or our friends to watch Kylie for us.  So, we need to find a live-in.”

“I guess so.”  Jamie says reluctantly.  “You’d be okay with a live-in?”

“Necessary evils.  It’ll have to be okay.”

Jamie sighed heavily.  “I wish…”

“I know.”  Sid reaches over the consul and lays his hand on Jamie’s leg, giving a light squeeze.  “I wish things were different, too.  That it’d all worked out the way you wanted.  But this’ll be fine, okay?”

“Yeah.  I know.  So how do we go about finding a nanny?”

“Well, actually, I think I already have.”

Jamie gives Sid a puzzled look.  “You interviewed people without me?”

“You haven’t exactly been interested in much of anything.  Thought I’d just take care of it myself.”  Sid smiles at him.  “I got a phone call yesterday that finalized the plan.”

That puzzled Jamie even more.

“Relax.  You’re gonna like them.”

“Them?  More than one? When do I get to meet this mystery pair?”

“They’ll be at the house tonight.  We’re having them for dinner, I think.  A late dinner.”

Jamie took Sid’s hand, lacing their fingers.  He turned and stared out the window.  This wasn’t what he’d hoped for at all when he’d asked Cat, but he just had to trust Sid that it would be okay.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Jamie’s rocking Kylie, singing softly to her, when the doorbell rings. 

“That’ll be our guests.”  Sid tosses the magazine he was thumbing through down on the coffee table.  “I’ll get it.”

“Oh joy.”  Jamie whispers to Kylie.  “Now you remember what Papa said, we need to play nice with others.”

Kylie giggles as he leans down and blows kisses on her belly.

“Jame.  Say hello to our new babysitters.”  Sid says as he walks back into the living room.

Jamie looks up.  “He…llo?  What’s this?”

Luc and Diane stand next to Sid.  Diane rushes over to Jamie and Kylie, taking her from his arms.

“Oh, I missed you.”  She kisses Kylie’s cheek.  “Look how much you’ve grown.  Oh, Luc, look how big she is.”

“She certainly has grown.”  Luc agrees when Diane brings Kylie over for inspection.  “Hey there, pretty girl.”

“I don’t… Sid?”  Jamie questions.  “Why didn’t you say something earlier.”

Sid ushered Luc and Diane over to the couch, then took a seat in one of the chairs.

“They called me last week.”  Sid starts.  “With an offer. I wanted to surprise you.”

“I’ve missed her so much.”  Diane interjects.  “We talked it over and then called.  It’s the perfect solution.”

Jamie looks back and forth between the couple and his husband.  His brow furrowed.  Confusion gives way to worry, and aggitation. 

“You can’t take her to Edmonton, I told Cat you’d never try to take her from us.”  Jamie snaps.

“Oh, honey, no.  We don’t want to take her away.” Diane assures him.

“Jame, they aren’t going to try and take her.  Calm down.”

“Then what?”

“Well, I’ve been semi-retired for a couple of years and I think it’s time to fully retire.  And you know we’d like to be a part of our grand-daughter’s life, so Diane and I talked.  We’d like to move here.  To help take care of Kylie.”  Luc tells him.

“You want to move to Pittsburgh?”   Jamie questions.

“Yes.  We’ve started looking at houses.  Online.  Sidney was nice enough to offer to let us stay here until we find a place.  We’ve put the house in Edmonton on the market.”

“You’re going to sell it?  You can’t.  The house.  The barn.  The pond.  You can’t sell it.”  Jamie protested.  His leg was bouncing nervously now.  Sid walked over to stand next to him, putting a hand on Jamie’s shoulder.

“There comes a point, Jamie, when you need to let go of the past.”  Luc stated, a bit emotional.  “We’ll always love it there.  There are so many good memories.  But, there is also a lot of pain there.  And, our future is right here.”  He lightly stroked the soft, downy blonde hair on Kylie’s head.

Jamie still looked shocked, like he didn’t quite believe this was happening.

“And you knew about this plan?”  He says, looking up accusingly at Sid.  “And you didn’t tell me?”

“I told you, you’ve been in no shape to deal with anything but getting yourself better.”  Sid says, then adds quietly.  “This isn’t quite the reaction I expected.”

“Right.”

“You’re okay with this, aren’t you?”  Diane glances up.  “We’d be taking care of Kylie, family, not some stranger.  Cat said that was important to you.”

“Um, yeah.  I just… are you sure?”  Jamie asks of Sid again, who nods.  “And you guys, you’d really want to move here?”

“Absolutely.  Why wouldn’t I want to get to spend time with this precious little beauty.”  Diane smiled down at Kylie.

“Okay.  I guess we give it a try.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

“I don’t get you.”  Sid pulls down the comforter and sheets on their bed.  “You’re the one that kept telling Cat and me that he’d changed, that you trusted them.”

Jamie shrugged as he helped Sid, tugging the covers on his side down.  That hadn’t talked about Diane and Luc moving here since before dinner.  Jamie had been quiet through the whole meal.

“So, you don’t think they are doing this out of the goodness of their hearts?”

“I do.  I just, I don’t know why I reacted that way earlier.”  Jamie said.  “I’m sure this is going to be fine.  The perfect solution, right?”

“I thought so.”  Sid straightened, standing there looking at Jamie.

Jamie was wearing just a pair of sweats, hung low on his hips.  In the month he’d been running with Brian, since the start of training camp, he hadn’t put a lot of weight back on.  He had built up some muscle again, though.  His arms showed it, long and lean, but biceps clearly defined as they flexed with every movement.    His abs had some definition again, too.  Not quite the eight-pack he’d had, but a solid six.  Sid’s eyes fixed on the way Jamie’s ab muscles rippled and rolled as he bent over.

“What?”  Jamie snipped when he saw Sid staring.

“Huh?”

“You’re staring.  What did I do?”

“Uh, nothing.  You, uh, you look good.”

“Yeah?  Thanks.”  Jamie walked across the room to stand in front of the full-length mirror that hung on the bathroom door.  “I need another twenty pounds.”

Sid walked over and slipped his arms around Jamie’s waist, rolling up on his toes to hook his chin on Jamie’s shoulder.

“You look better than you did a month ago.  I don’t know that you need another 20.”

Jamie turned around in Sid’s arms and slid his arms up under Sid’s.  Jamie leaned down to kiss Sid, letting his lips part as Sid deepened the kiss.  Sid’s hands slipped inside the waistband of Jamie’s sweats, causing Jamie to mewl softly. 

“This isn’t gonna get you out of talking.”  Sid said, kissing along Jamie’s jaw.

“You started this.”  Jamie murmured.

“Uh huh.”  Sid leaned away from Jamie.  “Right.”

Sid stepped out of Jamie’s arms, smacking Jamie’s ass lightly as he withdrew his hands from Jamie’s sweats.  He turned and walked back to the bed, climbing in to sit with his back up against the headboard on his side of the bed, legs stretched out.  He patted the bed beside him.

“Nah.  I’m gonna go get a snack.”  Jamie stuck his tongue out at Sid, a grin spreading across his lips.  He stopped at the bassinet to check on Kylie, who was sleeping soundly.

“Fine.  Your loss.”  Sid taunted.  “But we’re talking when you get back.”

Jamie rolled his eyes.  “Whatever.”

Down in the kitchen, he rooted around in the fridge, looking for something to eat.  He pulled out a couple of containers, opened them, sniffed the food, and promptly put them back.  He made a mental note that they really needed to clean out the fridge.  He straightened and closed the door, then opened the freezer.  He pulled out a half-gallon container of chocolate-peanut butter ice cream.  He retrieved a spoon and sat down at the kitchen table.

“Kyle used to do the same thing.”  A voice behind him said.  “Actually, I can remember catching the two of you in the middle of the night one time.  You must have been nine or ten.”

“And you grabbed a spoon and joined us.”  Jamie said without looking.  “Top drawer on the left side of the sink.”

He heard the drawer open and close, then Luc sat down in the chair next to him.  Jamie pushed the carton, so it was between them.  Luc dug out a big spoonful of ice cream.

“Guess great minds think alike.”  Luc smiled.  “Needed a little something before bed.”

Jamie nodded, getting another spoonful of ice cream.

“So.”  Jamie said, “what exactly made you decide that you wanted to move here.”

“Diane wanted to be closer to Kylie.  All she talked about all summer was how much she missed her.” Luc told him.  “And…”

“And what?”  Jamie sat back, suspicious of Luc’s motives again, even though he knew he shouldn’t be.

“And Caitlyn.”

Jamie scrunched his brow in confusion.

“This is going to sound silly, but I think I see her.  I catch a glimpse of a woman built like her, or with long blonde hair, or her features.  It’s silly, I know.  She’s gone.  But, sometimes.  Anyway.  She’s not here to take care of Kylie, to help you and Sid out, so I thought that Diane and I could fill in for her.”

“It’s not silly. I think I see her sometimes, too.  Just wishful thinking, I guess.”  Jamie takes a bite of his ice cream.

“I had a dream.  About her.  She was down at the pond, skating.  She had her equipment on, so I offered to hit pucks for her.”  Luc scooped another spoonful.  “She was talking to me.  Said, we all need a helping hand sometimes.”

Jamie froze, the spoon half-way to his mouth.  The image of the blonde woman on the running trail flashed in his mind.  “She said that?  To you?”

“Yes.  The next day, I told Diane we should call you boys.”  Luc saw the anxious look in Jamie’s eyes.  “Why?”

“Nothing, except.”  Jamie closed his eyes, opening them slowly.  “She told me the same thing.”

He told Luc the story about the woman he had seen who looked like Cat to him. 

“I guess she’s still looking out for you.”  Luc smiled.  He stood and put his hand on Jamie’s shoulder.  “That would be just like her.”

Luc walked over to the sink, rinsed his spoon and laid it in the basin.

“Thanks for the ice cream.  Hit the spot.”  He said.  “See you in the morning.”

“Yeah.  And Luc, thank you.  For coming.”

“Night, Jamie.”  Luc smiled warmly.

Jamie ate a bit more of the ice cream, then put it back in the freezer.  He grabbed a couple of bottles of water out of the fridge and went back upstairs.  Sid was reading when he walked into the bedroom.  He sat the water down on the nightstand, checked on Kylie again, and climbed into the bed next to Sid.  He wiggled his way under Sid’s arms, so he could lay with his head on Sid’s lap.  Sid shifted his book to his right hand, so he could brush the fingers of his left hand through Jamie’s hair.

“Eye?”  Jamie asked, closing his eyes with a sigh.

Sid rested his hand on Jamie’s cheek, letting his thumb trace just under Jamie’s eyebrow, slowly rubbing with the lightest of pressure from the bridge of his nose out.  Soothing.  Calming.  A relaxation method passed from Mama Malkin to Geno to Sid. 

“Sid?”

“Hhhmmm, baby boy.”

“It’s good that they came to help.  Kylie will be better off with them than some stranger.”

“She will.”  Sid agreed.  “So, you’re okay with this?”

“Yeah.”  Jamie snuggled in tighter.  “I’m good.  I shouldn’t have been worried about it.”

“You okay with them selling their place, or do I have to buy another house in Edmonton?”

“No.  Luc’s right.  I need to be able to let the past go.  Maybe it’s time to sell my house, too.”

Sid laid the book down next to him, looking down at Jamie.

“Are you sure?”  Sid asked.  “What’s brought this on?”

“Nothing.  I just think he has a point.  Maybe if I could let go, well, maybe it would help me.”

“Hey, look at me.”  Sid stopped rubbing Jamie’s eyelid.  He cupped Jamie’s chin and tipped Jamie’s face towards him.  Jamie slowly opened his eyes, looking up at Sid.  A sadness clouded Jamie’s eyes.  “I think we should keep the house.  For now.  Okay?”

Jamie’s eyes brightened.  He nodded against Sid.

“When Brian and I run, we pass this nice ranch style house that’s for sale, about ten minutes from us.  Maybe we can call the realtor and go look at it.”

“You think they’d like that?”

“It’s nice.  Looks like a big yard.  We could do some upgrades for them, security gate and system, and stuff, if they’re going to have Kylie there.”

“We can do that.”  Sid smiled. 

“I have the money.  If that’s a problem.”

“You know it’s not.  Anything for you, you know that.”  Sid released Jamie’s chin and went back to rubbing under his eyebrow. 

“Sid?”

“Yes."

“Maybe we could, um, maybe we could buy their place, too?”

“The house here?”  Sid asked, but he knew what Jamie was really referring to.

“No.  The property in Edmonton.”

“We can.  Whatever you want, baby boy.”  Yep.  He thought this would come back up.

“I guess, maybe I’m not ready to let go yet.”

“You don’t have to.  We’ll work it out, okay.  We’ll keep both places, for as long as you want.”

“Thank you.”

“Yep.  You gonna turn in?”

“Mmmmhhhmmmm.” Jamie hummed.  “Tired.”

“Okay.  Love you.”

“You too.  All of you.”


	39. I Need You Both

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Can’t worry about what ifs, Fluff. If we did, we’d never leave our houses. There are a lot of what ifs that could happen to you every day, and most of them have nothing to do with playing hockey.”
> 
> “I know, I could get hit by a bus, blah blah blah.”
> 
> “I rest my case.”
> 
> “Two, Dumes. I’ve had two.”
> 
> “Three years apart. It’s not like you’re taking hit after hit after hit to the head.” Brian said. “You see that guy in Edmonton this time?”
> 
> “No. I just treated with Maroon and Doc V. They said I don’t need to worry.”
> 
> “Then don’t.”

“Did you show Kylie the, um, the video I sent?”

“She’s not even six months old, Jamie.  She can’t really see a video.”  Luc says from behind his wife.

“Luc, shush.”  Diane scolds her husband before answering Jamie. “Yes, honey.  We showed her.  She laughed.”

“That was gas.”  Luc snorts.

“Luc, stop.” 

“It’s okay.”  Jamie chuckled.  “We know the, um, the um, truth, right Grammie D.”

“That’s right, honey.”  Diane laughed. 

“I miss her.”  Jamie said.

“We miss her.”  Sid said, appearing behind Jamie.

They were Skyping with Diane and Luc from their hotel room in Ottawa.  It was the first road trip that Jamie had been on since returning to the team from his injury.  He’d only started practicing with them a couple of days ago, and wasn’t sure he’d play a game this trip, but he was traveling with them. 

It was also the first time he’d been away from Kylie for an extended time.

“You’ve been through this before.”  He turned and poked at Sid.  “This is my first time.”

Sid just laughed and walked back across the room to move their luggage off the other bed.  Once he had, he climbed on the bed and laid down. 

“Anyway,” Jamie continued.  “Is she being a, um, uh, a good girl?  Took her bottle okay?”

“She’s being very good.  Fell asleep with Luc rocking her.  I think she missed having you singing to her.”

Jamie sighed.  “I’m sure.  Maybe I can call back tonight when it’s time to put her to bed later.”

“That would be great, honey.  We’ll text after we get done with dinner and her bath, okay?”  Diane offered.  “You go rest, I know it wasn’t a long flight, but you had practice this morning and you’re still getting back into your routine.  So you need lots of rest.”

“Yes, ma’am.”  Jamie grinned.  “Tell our girl her daddy and Papa miss her bunches.  Give her lots of hugs and kisses.”

“We’ll do.  Bye, honey.  Bye, Sidney.”  Diane waved at the computer screen.  Jamie waved back and leaned aside so she could see Sidney waving. 

“Talk to you later.”  Jamie said then hit the computer key to exit out of the program.

He closed his lap top and set it on the nightstand by the bed.  Then he got up and went over to the other bed, climbing on and straddling Sidney’s hips.  He sat back against Sid’s legs and let his hands rest on Sid’s chest.  Sid ran his hands up and down Jamie’s thighs.

“It didn’t expect to leave her with them so soon.”

“They raised two kids, I think they can handle it.”  Sid smiled.  “This is why they came.”

“Yeah.”  Jamie sighed.

“I know, you miss her.”  Sid said.  “But I’m glad to have you back.  I missed you.”

Jamie leaned over so Sid could kiss him. 

“How have you been doing this?  God, it’s awful.”  Jamie groaned as he sat back up.

“Worse when you weren’t here.”  Sid slid his hands around to grab a handful of ass.  “I’m glad you’re here to suffer with me.”

Jamie tipped his head and grinned.  “You didn’t miss me that much.”

“Au contraire.”  Sid squeezed Jamie’s ass, then gave it a light smack.  “I’ve missed you more than you can imagine, baby boy.”

Sid brought his hands around and started working the buttons of Jamie’s dress shirt, tugging the shirttails out when he got that far.  He slid his hands up under Jamie’s undershirt and ran them over his chest, stopping to give each nipple a gentle tweak in the process.  Jamie sat still, his hands resting on his thighs, his chin dipped to his chest, eyes closed.  This was part of their fun, Sid being in control.

“What do you want to do?”  Sid questioned Jamie as he started to undo Jamie’s belt.  Just as Jamie starts to speak, Sid brings his hand up to Jamie’s mouth.  “And don’t say whatever you want to do Sid.  This is about you today.”

“Oh, um, I don’t know.”  Jamie mumbled as Sid brushed his fingers over Jamie’s cock through the material of his dress pants.  “Um, we could, um, I don’t know.”

“You want me to just decide, don’t you?”

Jamie nodded his head. 

“Okay.  Then I say, first thing is that you need to get out of your clothes.  I say that you should do a nice little striptease for me.”

“Really?  That’s what you want?”

“Look, you can’t tell me that it’s up to me then always balk at what I suggest.  You do this every time.”

“What if, what if I wanted to see you do a striptease?”

“I’d thing you were nuts.  You’ve seen me dance.”  Sid countered.

Jamie scooted off Sid and sat cross-legged on the bed next to him.  He smacked Sid on the leg and waggled his eyebrows at him.  “Strip Crosby.  Make it good and I’ll give you a big tip.”

“I need music.”  Sid laughs.

“No you don’t, but okay.”  Jamie starts singing the classic stripper song.   “Da na na na na… da na na na na….”

“Okay… okay… I don’t need music.”

Sid slowly undid the buttons of his cuffs, then moved to the top button of his shirt.  He worked his way down until he had to untuck his shirt to get the last buttons.  He slid the top of the shirt down over his shoulders and shimmied them at Jamie, who promptly laughed.

“You are so bad at this.”

“You know what, fuck you.”  Sid flipped him off.  He pulled his shirt off and twirled it in the air before letting it fly at Jamie.

“You’re not gonna earn a tip this way.”  Jamie jokes.  “You need to take some lessons.”

Jamie scrambled off the bed and stepped behind Sid.  He put his hands on Sid’s hips and pulled him against his body.  Jamie swayed his hips back and forth.

“This would be better if you were a few inches taller.”  Jamie dropped his head down on Sid’s shoulder.

“Fuck you!”  Sid tried to pull out of Jamie’s grasp.

“Come on.  Just relax and get into it.”  Jamie held Sid’s hips firm, grinding his own hips against Sid.

Jamie started singing in Sid’s ear, _You Can Leave Your Hat On_ by Joe Cocker.  The whole time, he moves their bodies in rhythm.  He brings his hands around and undoes Sid’s belt, then the fastener and zipper of his dress pants. 

Jamie ran his hands up and down Sid’s chest and over his abs.  Sid reached back and put his hands on Jamie’s hips.  When Jamie slid one hand in the front of Sid’s pants and wrapped his fingers around Sid’s cock, Sid lolled his head back onto Jamie’s shoulder and moaned.

“Uh huh, just like that.”  Jamie mouthed against Sid’s jaw.  “Just let yourself move with the music and me.”

Jamie used just his fingertips on Sid’s semi-hard cock, pulling the foreskin back and forth over the head.  It had the desired effect.

“Gonna ask again, while I can still think.  What do you want, baby boy?”  Sid tipped his head to the side slightly, giving Jamie better access to the line of his neck.  Jamie responded by licking down from Sid’s jaw to his neck, where he sucked and nipped at it.

“Mmmmmmmm….”

“Say it.”

“Want you to fuck my mouth.”

The same breathless ‘oh’ that escaped Sid’s lips caused Jamie’s hips to stutter. 

“You want to do that?”  Jamie whispered in Sid’s ear.  “Want me to just lie back and let you fuck me?”

“God.”  Sid moaned as Jamie slowly kept stroking his cock.  “Yeah.  Yeah, baby boy.”

Jamie let go of Sid and stepped back, he quickly stripped out of his clothes while Sid finished stripping out of his.  Jamie laid down on his back on the bed.  He shifts himself around until his head can hang over the edge of the bed somewhat comfortably.  

“Like that?”  Sid questions.  “That’s not the easiest…”

“I wanna try like this.”

“Okay.  Whatever you want.”  Sid is standing next to the bed, stroking his cock to keep it hard.  He moves so he is standing over Jamie’s face.  “The bed’s kind of low.”

“Figure it out.” 

“Gonna make me work for it, eh?” Sid snorted.  “Fine.”

Sid put his hands on either side of Jamie’s head to brace his upper body and he kicked his legs back so he was stretched out like he’d be doing a push-up, but with his body angled up to the bed. 

“Good thing you work that core, Crosby.”  Jamie chuckled.

“Fuck you.”

“That’s the idea.”  Jamie said before he opened his mouth wide and waited for Sid.

Sid held himself up over Jamie’s face, scooting a little so his cock was lined up with Jamie’s mouth.  He teased him at first, just slipping the head in and out of his mouth.  Jamie pressed his lips loosely around Sid’s cock when he finally rocked his hips down and let the entire length slide in to Jamie’s mouth.  When Sid felt Jamie’s nose touch his balls, he pulled back.

“Okay?”

“Mmmm….” Jamie hummed. 

Jamie reached up with one hand to hold on to the base of Sid’s cock.  With his other hand, he started rubbing over the wet head of his own hard cock.  Sid had been watching his cock work in and out of Jamie’s mouth, he glanced up and saw Jamie stroking himself.

“Jesus.”  Sid groaned.  “This is…”

“Mmmhhmmm…” Jamie smiled around Sid’s cock, then mumbled.  “Mmmiiii…nnnooo….”

Sid arched his hips up and down, slowly fucking into Jamie’s mouth.  Jamie pushed his tongue against Sid’s cock as it slid in.  When Sid would pause and hold himself in Jamie’s mouth, Jamie would tighten his lips around the shaft and suck.  Each action brought small noises of pleasure from Sid.

Sid kept raising his head, so he could watch Jamie play with his own cock.  It was a toss-up as to which view Sid liked watching more, his cock fucking Jamie’s mouth or Jamie’s hand stroking up and down his cock.  Two equally exquisite sights to him. 

Sid dropped his hips again and let his cock slide all the way in until Jamie’s lips met the base.  Jamie’s hand came around to Sid’s ass this time, encouraging Sid to stay there.  Jamie sealed his lips tightly around Sid and sucked harder, his tongue pushing down on the shaft.  Sid felt Jamie pause a few times, making himself relax and breath through his nose, then he’d swallow and the sensations would nearly send Sid over the edge. 

Sid tipped his head up and saw that Jamie’s hand was squeezing the base of his own cock.  The tip was red and swollen and glistening from the wetness of the precome dripping from the slit.  Jamie was fighting back an orgasm.  He was waiting for Sid to tell him it was okay.  

Sid ducked his head, torn between his desire to try and draw this out into a long edging session for Jamie and just giving release now to the building pressure.  The thought of making Jamie wait, of getting his own hand on Jamie’s cock, teasing it, bringing him close over and over, but not letting him come made Sid keen. 

Jamie swallowed around him again and that was it, his cock made the decision for him.  He rocked his hips back up, sliding out slightly, which brought a moan of protest from Jamie.  But that was quickly followed by a happy sigh as Sid started snapping his hips up and down, fucking into Jamie’s mouth again.

“Come for me, baby boy.” 

Sid raised his head.  The words had barely left his lips before Jamie came.  Sid’s hips stuttered as he watched the spurts of come splash over Jamie’s stomach.  He thrust in and held himself there. Every muscle of his body quivered as he came.  Jamie sucked and pressed against him, milking out every drop he could get.

Sid’s legs felt weak and shaky as he pulled out.  He managed to stand up and step sideways so he could collapse on the bed next to Jamie. 

“Fuck.”  Sid swore into the bed cover.

“Wow.”  Jamie said.

Jamie rolled over and laid his head on Sid’s ass as he flopped an arm over Sid’s waist.

“Did you set an alarm?”  Jamie asked, as he snuggled up against Sid.

“Uh huh.”

“Good.  Cause I’m not sure I could move to do it.”

“I’m so glad you’re back.”  Sid turned his head towards Jamie and kissed his leg. 

“Me too, Sid.”  Jamie sighed.  “Me too.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jamie continued to practice with the team on their two-game road trip to Ottawa and Toronto, but he didn’t play either game.  All told, it took 11 days after he first rejoined the team on the ice before Jamie, the trainers, and the doc felt he was ready to play.  His timing was still a bit off, but it didn’t make sense to keep him out any longer.

The Pens were playing back-to-backs at home on the 31st of October and 1st of November.  Jamie would be in the line-up on the 1st.  That morning, Brian showed up at five to run, despite the game the night before running late.

“You’re ready.”  Brian said as they ran.  “It’s time, Fluff.”

“Nervous.”  Jamie replied.

“I’m sure.  You’re good, though.  I think you’re actually in better shape coming back this time than you were before.  You’ve let yourself heal.”

“What if?”

“Can’t worry about what ifs, Fluff.  If we did, we’d never leave our houses.  There are a lot of what ifs that could happen to you every day, and most of them have nothing to do with playing hockey.”

“I know, I could get hit by a bus, blah blah blah.”

“I rest my case.”

“Two, Dumes.  I’ve had two.”

“Three years apart.  It’s not like you’re taking hit after hit after hit to the head.”  Brian said.  “You see that guy in Edmonton this time?”

“No.  I just treated with Maroon and Doc V.  They said I don’t need to worry.”

“Then don’t.”

“Come on, don’t tell me you don’t think about things differently now that you have Olivia.”

Oh.  That’s what’s wrong.  Brian should have known.  Jamie’s been over-thinking a lot of things lately.  He thinks it’s just Jamie redirecting his anxiety as a way to cope with his depression.  Chase out one set of thoughts with another.  Not the best of coping mechanisms.

“I do.  But again, I play hockey for a living.  There’s a risk of injury.  But, like I said, there’s a risk in everything, every day.”

“But…”

“You’re obsessing again, Fluff.  Stop.” 

“Okay.  I am, aren’t I?” 

“Yes.”

They ran in silence for the next couple of miles.  Brian watching Jamie.  Jamie thinking.

“Dumes?”

“Fluff?”

“Why do you put up with me?”

“You’ve asked me that before.  You’ve asked Sidney that.”  Brian laughs.  “You’ve asked the whole damn team that before.”

“Sorry.”

“Because, Jame.  What have I told you.  Because.”

“Do you ever wonder about us?”

“What about us?”  Brian asks.

“What if Sid and I didn’t get together.”  Jamie questions.

“You mean if you and I would have?  I doubt it.”

“Not your type?”  Jamie smiles.

“Well, you’re a great fuck and all, Fluff, but I think if I’d try living with you, I’d have to kill you in your sleep at some point.”  Brian chuckled.

Jamie slowed down, staring indignantly at Brian.  “Really?”

Brian stepped close with his next stride and kicked his heel up, kicking Jamie in the ass.

“Oh yeah.  I’d have to kill you.”  He joked and took off at a sprint.

“Fucker.”  Jamie gave chase.  “More like I’d kill you!”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jamie stood over a toilet in the locker room at PPG throwing up.  Nerves.  It had been a long time since this unfortunate habit had reared its ugly head.  He hadn’t missed it.

He exited the stall and went to one of the sinks where a towel and some mouthwash were waiting for him.  Thank you, Stewie.  Jamie rinsed his mouth and splashed some water on his face.

When he walked back in to the locker room, expecting to find Sid waiting for him as usual.  Instead it was Brian.

“Sid said he got tired of waiting.” Brian winked at Jamie. “Not really, he just said that I should be the one to walk you out.”

“I was serious this morning.  I’m actually fucking scared about this, Dumes.”  Jamie went to walk past Brian, who reached out and stopped him.

“I’m gonna be right beside you.  Nothing to worry about.”

“You know, I couldn’t have… no… I wouldn’t have done this if you hadn’t pushed.  Thanks.”

“What friends are for, right.” Brian went to high-five Jamie, but Jamie pulled him into a tight hug.

At that moment he was reminded of another time and place, when he’d stood next to the person who he’d thought would always be there for him.  Jamie could hear his voice in his head,  _best friends forever and always, Marshie._

Jamie never thought he’d ever find that again.  Yeah, he had Sid, but that was different.  Brian was his best friend.  He needed them both, because each in their own way made his life better.

Jamie pulled away from the hug.

“Best friends, Dume-ass.”  He smiled and added, “forever and always.”

“Best friends, Fluff.”  Brian smiled back, knowing what the last part meant to Jamie.  “Forever and always.” he added.

Brian led Jamie out of the locker room to the cheers and back slapping of his teammates.  The two fell in line behind Muzz as they made their way to the ice.  Jamie hesitated, just for a second, before he stepped out.


	40. Out Of The Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The photographer snapped several pictures for them. Jamie already knew this would be his favorite from this Cup win. He had everything he could want from life right here.
> 
> He never imagined things would ever work out like this. That he’d be married to Sidney. That they’d have Kylie. That he’d think of Luc and Diane as surrogate parents. Not after everything. 
> 
> But, people change. Life goes on. And, once in a while, it throws you curve balls. He’s started to accept that, believe that whatever happens will happen. That it’s not his fault. Yeah, Luc’s changed. Jamie’s changed. There are days, there will always be days. But he has Sid, and Kylie, and Brian, and their families. He’s not alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading this part of Jamie and Sid's story. This chapter has come to an end, though, as all good things must. There will be more, I'm not done with this universe, I'm just not sure where to go next. I love all the comments and kudos, keep them coming... they keep me going.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this ending...

“Who’s sweater is she wearing?”  Trina yells from the living room.

Jamie comes skipping down the stairs and hands her a toddler sized Pens sweater.  He’s grinning from ear to ear.  “I won the coin toss.”

Sid followed not far behind him.  “Come on, Daddy.  We need to get going or we’re gonna be late.”

“Lot’s of time, Sid.”  Jamie kids him.  He picks up Kylie who laughs and wraps her arms around his neck as he hugs her.  “Okay, Sunshine.  We’ll see you guys later.”

Sid comes over for his hug and kiss.  “Bye bye, sweetie.  Bye, Mom.”

“Hopefully we have more than just a birthday to celebrate tonight.”  Trina says.

“Mom!”  Sid groans, knocking on the wall three times as he walks out.

“Thanks, now I’m gonna have to listen to how you jinxed us the whole way in to the arena.”  Jamie complained to Trina.

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t think.”  She laughed.  “We’ll see you in a little bit.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jamie was bent over, trying to catch his breath.  The whistle stopping play made him look up, 2:54 left on the clock. 

He sat up and took a few really deep breaths.

“Sid.  Jamie.  Geno.”  Sully said.  “Tanger.  Dumo.  45.  Then Shears, Rusty and Phil.”

Jamie got up and hopped over the boards.

“Can we score please.  I really don’t want to go to OT again.”  He said to Brian as they skated to the face-off circle to the right of the Wild's goalie.

“I suppose letting them score and going to a game seven isn’t an option.”  Brian joked.

“Fuck that.  I want to go back to Minnesota even less than I want to go to a triple OT again.”  Jamie laughed.  Game five had gone twelve minutes into a third overtime before Jamie had scored giving the Pens a 3-2 lead in the series and the chance to win the Cup at home.

Game six of the Stanley Cup Final between the Minnesota WIld and the Pens was tied at one at the end of the first period.  And the end of the second period.  And at seventeen minutes and six seconds into the third period.  It had been a hard-fought game so far.  Lots of shots on goal.  Lots of incredible saves.  It would be a matter of which team could dig deeper to find the energy to pull off the win, who was more desperate.

The Pens wanted it.  A win meant their third Cup in five years, equaling Chicago’s accomplishment between 2010 and 2015.

The Wild wanted it.  They were in the final for the first time in the history of the current franchise.  They were hungry.  They needed to win to force a game seven. 

Jamie lined up near the boards at the edge of the circle, a Wild forward next to him.  Sid glanced his way, sheer determination on his face.  Sid nodded his head slightly to the left.  Jamie smiled.

Geno was on the opposite side of the circle from Jamie, Kris behind Sid but out by the blue line.  Brian was just off Geno’s left shoulder, towards the front of the net.

Jamie’d have to be fast, break with the puck drop.  And, hope Sid won it.

Jamie slipped behind the Wild forward as the puck dropped, bolting for the corner.  Sid won the face-off, sending the puck forward instead of back or to Geno as the Wild had anticipated.  Jamie raced after it and guided it around the back of the net.  Just as their defenseman was about to check him, Jamie passed the puck towards the front of the net.  Geno was waiting.

The goal horn sounded.  Party Hard played.

“Okay, boys.  Let’s hold onto this.”  Sully yelled as they skated past the bench to celebrate.

The Pens managed to keep the puck either in the Wild zone or near their blue line until there was just over a minute left.  The Wild got the puck deep behind the Pens goal at that point, giving them the chance to pull their goalie for the extra attacker.  What followed was sixty seconds of an intense assault against Muzz.

Jamie could hear the crowd getting louder as the clock ticked down.  He was out of gas.  All of them on the ice were about done.  The Wild got off one last shot.  And… the buzzer sounded.

Jamie threw his stick and his gloves.  His helmet went next as he turned to swarm Muzz with his teammates.  After that he found Sid first, then Brian.

“Three, baby!  Fuck yeah!”  Jamie yelled as he threw his arms around Brian.  “Can you fucking believe it!”

“Never dreamed this could happen!”  Brian yelled back. 

They pulled back and looked straight at each other.

“Babies in the Cup!” They said at the same time.

The celebration paused long enough for the handshake line.  Then Jamie stood with the rest of the team awaiting the announcement of the Conn Smythe.  Jamie had a great playoff run, leading the team in goals and assists.  He’d had three game winning goals, too.  But, even with all that, Jamie didn’t feel he should win again.  He was sure it should go to Phil, or Geno, or even Muzz, who’d had a pretty spectacular run, too.

That’s why he wasn’t paying attention when they called his name.  He was busy being interviewed.

“Hey, Jim-Bob, you fucking won.”  Tommy yelled at him.  “Go get your award so we can get to the Cup.”

“What?”

“Hurry up!”  Conor yelled.

He looked across the ice and found Sid, who was looking more than a little impatient.

Jamie skated over and got the trophy, skating it over to the bench then.

Sid got the Cup next, hoisting it high over head as he took a quick circle.  He came back and handed it to Geno.  From there it went to Kris, and then Jamie.  Jamie made a short loop with the Cup then handed it off to Muzz.  He ignored everybody who was trying to grab him for a selfie and skated strait to the Zamboni doors where the families and friends were starting to pour onto the ice.

He hugged everybody and took Kylie in his arms.  This.  This would be the best thing about the celebration this time.  He took her and skated to find Sid.

“So, who’s celebrating her first birthday with the Cup.”  Sid cooed at Kylie, taking her from Jamie’s arms. 

“Smash cake in the Cup.”  Jamie laughed.  “That’ll be fun.”

They skated from reporter to reporter, doing their interviews together with Kylie.  They took time to get pictures with whoever wanted one.  There were lots of hugs from teammates and families.  Eventually they ended up back with their family to get a picture with the Cup.

Kylie sat in the Cup, giggling and laughing.  Sid kneeled on the right side, Jamie on the left.  Behind Sid stood his family – Troy, Trina and Taylor.  Behind Jamie stood his family – Luc and Diane.  He looked up at them smiling fondly.  They hadn’t been going to get in the picture until Sid and Jamie insisted.

Jamie kept one hand on Kylie to keep her steady in the Cup, his other hand rested over his heart. 

What none of them knew was that everyone he loved was there with him for this celebration.  Maybe not in real life, but in spirit. 

Taped to his chest pads, over his heart, were two pictures.  The first was his mom and dad, Bill and Jean.  The second was a picture of him with Kyle and Cat on the St. Croix’ pond.

His life felt… settled.  For the first time in a long time.  For the first time he could really remember, there was light instead of darkness.

The photographer snapped several pictures for them.  Jamie already knew this would be his favorite from this Cup win.  He had everything he could want from life right here.

He never imagined things would ever work out like this.  That he’d be married to Sidney.  That they’d have Kylie.  That he’d think of Luc and Diane as surrogate parents.  Not after everything. 

But, people change.  Life goes on. And, once in a while, it throws you curve balls.  He’s started to accept that, believe that whatever happens will happen.  That it’s not his fault.  Yeah, Luc’s changed.  Jamie’s changed.  There are days, there will always be days.  But he has Sid, and Kylie, and Brian, and their families.  He’s not alone.

This is where he’s meant to be.


End file.
